My wife gave me the "I do not love you" speech about 2 months ago. I did the complete wrong thing and started begging etc. I am in counseling. We have also started couple therapy. The counselor is not that convinced that she is committed to therapy and has asked her back for another visit. She tells me she is committed and wants to give therapy a chance although she thinks it will take a miracle. We have 3 kids. I am the sole provider. There is no way she can have the same lifestyle if we split. I have tried to leave, out of attention but frankly I am tired of sleeping in bed with a distant person. She has asked me to come home and try to work things out. She still calls me pet names - honey, love, sweatheart. No sex, she gets pissed when I continue to ask. I just cannot stand it much more. Her appointment is in a week and half. If the counselor says she is not ready to commit to counseling and it looks like she has emotionally seperated. I am strongly considering moving out.

Is my wife being inconsitant, having doubts etc. with the pet names, asking me not to leave, saying lets try to give therapy a chance, stay and work it out? But the counselor says she is emotionally seperated and wants to confirm this at the next appointment with her.

Is she having an affair?

Alph.

An emotional one. She knows I know.

The thing I am having trouble with, is I want to give her space, but I have trouble being physically around her. She went to the parents for the weekend with two of the three kids. She has called me a few times. I called once kid of emotional, she was reassuring about giving counseling a try. I just think she is in a fantasy world about what life will be like should we take the next step. We will have to sell the house, she will have to go to work, single mom 3 kids etc.

How much have you read on this site. Have you read about the emotional needs? About Love Busters? Does the counselor know about the EA?

Oh, if you leave, the chances of rebuilding your marriage will greatly decrease. You will be giving her the opportunity to go from an emotional affair to a physical affair.

He knows. It has been a subject of discussion with my wife and I. She tells me he is just a friend and is seeking her advise on his very very bad marriage. Frankly he calls her more than she calls him. His kid and one of my kids are best friends. I think the EA is more one sided him rather than her. However is does bother me!

My concern is that the wife just is not all that committed to counseling. I am tired of slepping around the house like a sad puppy. I am tired of tossing and turning. I am pissed I am the one that had to go seek counseling and am on medication. I have been the bread winner for years. I do not see how she can reasonable make it without me. If I were here with her feelings, I would try to work it out.

The marriage counselor told me in my individual session that when one partner has been warning the other for years it gets to a point that emotionally they have left the marriage. He is trying to determine whether she is really there or not. He said the fact that she does not want me to leave (I have been very close, she has begged me to stay), does not want to tell anyone (other than she told her parents that she is not happy; heck she doesn't want me to tell my folks!), still uses the pet names may mean that she wants to try to work things out.

Before she left for the weekend to her parents, I got tearry (damn puppy dog crap) she gave me a hug good bye and told me that she loved me. She was about to kiss me on the lips but I kissed her on the cheek. I think that was to just calm me down. Since she has left she has called at least twice a day. Just to check on me and my son, but she is cheery and calls me love, dear, honey, sweatheart. To my surprise she has not been able to sleep while at her parents. (I really only called once - sort of seeking attention. The other time was business.)

Sometimes I feel she is just damn confused. The one friend of mine that I have talked to said he is certain that she will not leave and just needs time to think about things. He does not know her that well but he has been through it years ago.

My confusion is that I know I should give her space, but should I give her physical space as well. For my own well being I cannot stand being around her as I get all damn puppy dog like!

you need to give her all the space she needs right now she is very confussed and if you smother her she will not have time to deal with her own thoughts.. i'm not saying to leave but give her some space if that means you need to find something to keep you busy ! YOU are part of the couple and you need to do some things for youeself try a new hobby or one that you did in the past, go out to the movies or take the kids somewhere for the day and give her a little time for herself...but also offer that if she would like to go she is more than welcome to join you. stop constantly talking about the marriage it will only keep confussing her and sooner or later you will say the wrong thing and solidify her feelings just enjoy spending time with her the physical stuff can wait a little while don't pressue it

so what i'm trying to say is improve yourself and she will see it and apprciate it but do it for you not to better the marriage ( that will just be a wonderful side effect ) enjoy your time with the kids be upbeat and friendly remember her EN and remember yours. just stay positive about life if you improve yourself for you then wounderful things can happen

We have decided that I will move out Nov. 1. I wish I could do so now and give her space but it is damn hard. I try not to call her, I go home for about 5 minutes and stay at the office till after the kids are asleep. Last night I slept through the night for the first time in months. I told her this morning that I really do not want to move, but she said often time a seperation is a sure way of getting back together by giving us breathing room. She meets with the counselor next week. I hope I can make it.

We work together, so we will see each other a lot more than the usual seperated couple. I do hope counseling works. As she says there are deap wounds.

Have you thought about a couples retreat, reading self help books, going to church. Each list 1 issue and work on that 1 specific issue.