It was suggested I post here rather than on the EN thread
A bit of background:

I first posted here after returning to my H after a six month separation. We've been married for 35 ( no kids). The reasons I left were:

Ongoing verbal and occasional physical abuse from my H ( pushing, road raging, name calling, controlling behaviour).

His lack of desire for me (no kind of initimacy for 20 years).

After I left H did make a change by going to anger management and in many ways has become a good guy again. BUT he still has no desire to make love to me despite my telling him how important this is to me. ABout a year ago, I also found an e-mail he had sent to another woman that told her he "was thinking of her intensely and missed her", as well as a picture of her in her pj's in his private file.

I called Dr. Harley's radio show a couple of weeks ago because for whatever reason I've been reluctant to confront H about the note to the other woman - I suppose in some ways I realize that his answer could give all the reasons I need to leave again and that scares me. My H also has MS and I don't want to exacerbate his symptoms with a stressful situation ( as dumb as that may sound).

I guess I need some encouragement re confronting H about the e-mail and wonder how to go about it? Dr. harley told me I should definitely confront him on it, but didn't tell me how...

thanks

Mugs,
Printing off the email and the pictures worked for me. I confronted him with what I had found and was he surprised. That was how our DDay started. I had suspected that he had been having an affair. Found the proof and put it in a manilla envelope. My H had sent graphic pictures of himself masturbating to OW. Very difficult for him to deny that. I told him I was sure his mom would be so proud. Anyway, back to your situation. I would be honest and say that you came across these and want to know what they are and what they mean because you certainly have right to have doubts because your emotional needs aren't being met. To be honest with you, I am not sure how you have done without for this long! Then I would tell him that you want to salvage your marriage, but do not want to live like this any longer. I would print off copies of the Emotional Needs (EN) questionnaires from the marriagebuilders.com website and both of you complete them. You might consider completing these first...find out what his top ENs are and that might be a segway right into the email and picture.

Hope this helps. You definitely have a different situation than I went through. Keep praying and keep focused on building/strengthening your marriage. Keep making those love bank deposits!!!! Take care.

SS

SS:

thanks so much for responding. I do have a copy of the e-mail and also the pic -- good thing as H has since deleted everything. Part of me has not wanted to believe anything bad was going on as this OW is considered a good friend by both of us and she and her husband have been in our home many times over the years. That said, I can't think of any reason, other than bad one, why he would write her such an e-mail. I know I would never even think of writing something like that to her H - unless we were emotionally involved.

I'm not so sure about presenting H with the En questionnaire. I think things are too far gone for me -- if I find out there was an affair - even an EM, it's over as far as I'm concerned. I'm just too tired of trying to be happy in this relationship.

Mugs,
Completely understandable how you feel right now. But the fact that you posted here and have been reading says to me that you really want this to work. Print off the ENs questioinnaires and sit down with him. Slide a copy in front of him and say, you know, I love you, but there is something seriously missing from our relationship. I really want this to work, but something has to give here. I have been reading up on ways to strengthen our marriage and I think this questionnaire is a good starting point.

You know, if your results come out as SF (sexual fulfillment) or Passion or some other need that he is not meeting, it would be a great springboard to further, deeper conversation about the barrier between the two of you. It appears to me (I am by no means an expert) that the email and picture may be a result of the barrier between the two of you, not necessarily the cause of it. But either way, you have to start talking and you have to believe that your marriage IS WORTH IT.

Mugs, you have been in this for so long. Pray for the strength to make it through these rough times and pray that God moves you back into falling in love with each other again (and all of the wonderful things that go along with it). Take care of yourself!

SS