Startinovers story.....(in cliffs)



I was, Im now divorced from her........and happily remarried.

EX...1st A I believe (worked at gym that closed at 10pm, would show up at home at midnight)

Couldnt get in touch with her via cellphone at all. She would just show up at midnight with some lame excuses.

She called OP from a flight she had out of town to work.....it showed up on bill. She didnt even call me.

Could not reach her at the hotel she was in.

Found lingerie in her bag after she returned.....says she accidentally packed it......... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />


2nd A I believe....about 3yrs later. EX started acting different, says she is unhappy. Doesnt know why she is unhappy but wants D and moves out into her own apt. No contact for 3mo. EX came running back right after the 3rd mo. Says she loves me, misses me and made a horrible mistake. I forgive her and we reconcile......have 2 kids over the next 4yrs.


3rd A and final death blow!!!! EX started acting distant again.....always working late, not answering cellphone, leaves kids with me several times a week to attend church functions. I didnt attend, because she was working at the church after work when she could. EX says she isnt happy, should have D me the last time, but she was scared. I later find out she was calling one phone number at least 100 times in one mo. Says its her g/f...... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

EX files for D and I sign the papers......find out a few mo. later from my kids that a married male member of the church was coming over all the time. He also had a key to the EXs house, garage door opener and neighborhood gate opener.

I knew I wasnt crazy on the last A......I saw a TON of red flags. Im pretty sure the other set of red flags years before were A also.

I was devasted knowing that my EX could have a single A on me, you can imagine knowing about 3. There was probably more for all I know.


PS.......EX is single, trying to date.....unhappy. The last (married) guy she was seeing, decides to stay with his wife after 4yrs of having an affair with my EX.


Have you been thru a multiple affair sitch like this??

yes i have startin over... my ex had many affairs. and yes, i thot one was hard to deal with, but more than one? starts to make you think there is something wrong with YOU. i realized finally that there is something wrong with HIM.

we had an unhappy marriage for many years. sometimes he was unhappy, sometimes i was. we had separated back in 2001/2002. during that sep. he had at least one ons that i know of. we got back together and by 2003 he was in an actual A with a woman at least 10 years older than him and a real skank. 5 kids and she spends every weekend in the bar trying to pick up men. that one went off and on for at least a year.

fast forward a bit and ex starts going away to boston a lot with his best friend. find best friends cousins fone numbers on exes cell. her home number, her cell, etc... guess that was the next affair.

ex goes to military training for 4 months in texas for his air national guard (part time military). i get bank statements with hotel bills on them. hello... he was in base housing. these bills were from the weekends. he was living it up on the weekends picking up women in bars with the other guys he was with.

by this time, i am starting to feel pretty low about myself. like, what is so wrong with me that he cannot be faithful?

next one, and the ow he is living with now, is 7 years younger than him and MARRIED. she had only been married a few months when she gets the itch to start screwing my husband. knowing perfectly well his reputation but believing his sob stories, she starts sneaking around with him every where and any where. she left her h and then went back with her h then left him again. when my h left in july of 05, it was only a matter of days before he was back with her and a few months before he moved in with her.


so there you go. that is about as multiple as it gets. but i no longer think it is my fault he did this. he has some serious flaws to do these things. some big issues. this is someone with no conscience who is out of control. and a nightmare i NEVER want to relive.

mlhb

MHLB:

Then divorce him. You have never done anything wrong and it is all his fault.

Should be a snap.

I notice you have been here as a member since June 2005. Have you learned nothing from this site?

Sorry about the 2x4, but you seem to be in as much fog as your H.

D-day #1, found out X had gone to a prostitute.
I thought wow, our R needs some major fixing and I got right onto it.
With safe sex, of course, until I got checked and cleared for STD's.

1 month later
D-day #2, found out that X had also been having an A for 1 year+ with my best friend (well, I thought she was anyways)
AND had been going to P's - the expensive kind - for 2 years+, while the A with BF was going on.
OW/BF didn't know about this and was very shocked when I told her!
OW/BF: "So it was all about sex??"
Yeah honey, meeting at rendez-vous places paying by the hour for your room and going to sex clubs..
Did you think he was in it for luuuuuv ?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />
The A stopped immediately but still social contact with OW/BF.
(I know.. I know.. it killed me inside, but I thought I had to "get over it" because X and OW/BF were really sorry and wouldn't do it again...)

6 months later
Found out he was registered on dating sites, chatted with women, and had arranged to meet one of them without my knowledge.
Meeting was "innocent" at that point (at public place) but it was obvious where it could lead to.

Found MB.
Made him go NC with OW/BF and stop with dating sites.
We worked on our recovery, or so I thought.

1 year later
D-day #3, false recovery, found out X had gone to P again.
Not because of lack of SF.. (his reason for A's).
But because he thought "I only did it to please him" (How do you do that with good SF? I'm not that good an actress!)
Found out he still visited dating sites.
Had registered as "widower" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />.

I didn't think what's wrong with me...
I thought what's wrong with HIM.
He stated he loved me and wanted to stay with me all his life..
Yet he choose to do these hurtful things again, full well knowing how much pain he caused me a year before..
He didn't think he needed therapy (was beginning to look more like a sexual addiction) because he'd "never do it again and was sorry".

I got out and never regretted it.
I still don't think X really "gets it".

um, we are legally separated and divorcing... not sure what made you think we were still together? i usually post over on the after divorce dating site. we are both in other relationships now, and he left in july of 05 and we have not been together since.

yea, if i was still with him, i sure would deserve a HUGE 2x4!

mlhb

Help me get your point, SO...

You were married to and divorced from a serial cheater.

All over these boards are stories by people in your circumstance. With various outcomes.

I'm asking because the "victim" in the title really hit me in my chest...

So I wondered what you really wanted helped with? You knew you were not alone. You asked, anyway. Did you want support or confirmation that you were a victim? Or now that you're happily married, are you fearing the same results, doing a review...for the flags or your previous choices?

As you can see from my sigline, I was a serial cheater.

LA

LA,

Do you know why you were a serial cheater?

Bad H?

Bad FOO?

Bad ethics?

Missing morals?

Unfillable holes?

Just liked it?

Nothing personal, just wondering what makes a serial cheat tick is all. Other than a diagnosis of SA I am beginning to think it is unknowable.

i truly believe my ex is a narcissistic sociopath. sounds harsh, but the man has some deep deep demons. no conscience, no remorse


i am glad to be away from that.

does not mean this fits the description of all serial cheaters. this is just my exes stuff.

mlhb

Yes, Aph...I know why...

Because I chose to be.

I was a narcissist, as defined in Slick50's thread from Slimjim's post.

"Bad H?"

No, human husband. No one made me cheat. I did that. I chose fantasy over reality as a way to manage my feelings.

"Bad FOO?" My father was a serial cheater, also. He didn't make me be one...just didn't know there were those who chose not to. Didn't know it was a choice at all.

"Bad ethics?" Ethics...you know I took Biomedical Ethics in college and what I learned was that we develop our own...and somehow, didn't learn about boundaries, standards or developing our own code to live by. Instead, it was focused on group rights versus individual rights. I don't know how I passed that class.


"Missing morals?" My morals were to hurt someone was unforgiveable; someone hurting me was unforgiveable. When there is no forgiveness, I had a license to do anything.

"Unfillable holes?" BINGO!!! I thought I was defective, bad and wrong...strived constantly to fill my holes from the outside, when the only sufficient nutrients were already on the inside, but I didn't look. And I had to see where I created those holes and where others had...half and half...and take away my shovels.

"Just liked it?" Loved the filled up feeling, which was fleeting...hated the consequences...but then, my way was to self-punish, harder, deeper, to protect me from myself...which led me to feeling like dirt, and seeking another to fill the hole...again and again. It is a horrible way to live.

"Nothing personal, just wondering what makes a serial cheat tick is all. Other than a diagnosis of SA I am beginning to think it is unknowable."

You think that cheating isn't human? That we don't use fantasy (Oh, he picked up my glass, he must love me) isn't in use 24/7? Humans are so complicated, webbed, layered...takes a lifetime to understand self, I think, alone. Takes longer when you only look at others instead of self for most of your life.

Cheating stops when you know it's your choice and yours alone. Period. That's when I found my power, my limit and freedom from all the spirals, cycles and dances...with my DH.

And he's an SA.

LA

Uhhh....nothing loaded to the question at all. Just curious to see who else went thru all the drama I did. Actually my wife now was married to a serial cheater.....he was caught 4 times by her.....so there was probably many more times. Oh, Im not worried about my wife at all......she actually cant understand why my EX was never happy.....I treat my wife the same as I did my EX....I cater to my spouse. Anyhow, it seems every single person I know that cheated on their spouse has done it more than once. Its like they couldnt stop at one.

I feel for you mlhb.....I was there. I dont even understand why my EX was so unhappy. We had the picture perfect family and marriage (from my point of view).....she just wasnt happy. The only thing I can figure is that she was too young when we met (17) and she never got a chance to experience dating and being on her own. We were together 6yrs and thru college before we even had children. Anyhow, I was just curious as to whom else was married to a serial cheater.

Im happily remarried mlhb and I can tell you straight up, that there are still some genuine people available out there still. That is, if someone wants to have a new relationship and/or remarry one day.

Keep your head up!

thank you startin over, and as you may or may not know, from the after divorce/dating board, i am actually working on a very nice relationship now. so i agree, there are good men still out there. and yes, i am still young and would love to remarry and even have another child. (as per the thread you and i were posting on on the other board entitled "why were anyone with children remarry?" remember?)

it is my past. i know what to look for, my radar is super good now i will tell ya! in fact, i told the gentleman i have been dating several months now, who knows my whole history as he is an mber also for different reasons, don't even think of every cheating because i will know you did it before you even do it! and i would. (btw, he has never been an infidel so..). i used to say the same as you about my ex... he was 21 when we met, we married young, he never got to sew his wild oats.. blah blah blah... but it is still no excuse. what he does is beyond sewing wild oats.

mlhb

Yes Startinover....my story and yours are very much the same.

I feel that I saw the red flags and because of my extra strong love....did'nt want to beleive she would or could do something like that to me.

Her Dad was a cheater....and her Mother really hammers men in general.

I'm alone now...divorced and just dating a little, actually I now enjoy working around the house and I'm OK with being alone.

Was it hard for you to fall in love again? And how long before you dated seriously after the D ?

Welder......I didnt like women at all when my EX and I ended. I would date some, but found flaws with every single woman. I was comparing them to the GOOD side of my EX, and DIDNT judge them on how they really were as people, some were very nice. Anyhow, I started going out and dating right after my divorce......maybe I shouldnt have, but I was trying to make myself (self esteem) feel better. I actually met my now wife thru a friend of mine.....we all used to take our kids to Chuck-E-Cheese together. My wife now, even met a couple of the women I dated when we would go to these places. She and I had alot in common (she divorced her EX.....serial cheater) and my EX was pretty much the same. We started dating seriously about 3mo. after we met and we were married a year later. We have been together 4yrs now and married for 5. We also just welcomed a new child to the family. Its like we have been blessed ever since we met.


You will get multiple suggestions on when to date after your divorce....some will say wait till your kids are grown <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> (if you have any). Some will say a yr. or two yrs. Some will say it doesnt matter. I spoke with a marriage counselor about this.....and this particular counselor said "it doesnt matter". She said a person should start dating when they feel they are ready. She said there is no perfect time to move on period. As I have said, this is her opinion. You will get tons of others.

All I know is that Im very happy I met my wonderful wife.....she is everything to me (kids also). I really dont know what I would have done without her. She is my best friend. She is also beautiful in every way to me. Im even attracted to her toes. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

that is so cool startin over!
i am very happy for you.

i believe that kind of story can happen for many here if they would just open themselves up to the possibilities and realize yes, there can be life and happiness and love after divorce.

there is a song by Cake that I love.. it is called Love You Madly...
that is how i want to feel in my relationship and or marriage. i think you are there!

mlhb

Thanks for the kind words mlhb.....to be honest, I wasnt looking to settle down anytime soon afte my divorce, BUT....it just happened. You cant help when you fall in love. It just knocks you over.

One more thing......stuff you find out after your divorce. My family (mother/father) and friends all DIDNT like my EX at all.....they said they tolerated her, because she was my wife. My now wife said her parents and friend hated her EX also.....she said that her family SAW what kinda guy he was. Its funny how people can see how a person is, except the one who is Coo-Coo over them.

Our families LOVE my wife and I together.....they always say that they can SEE our love for one another.

my family liked my ex for the first year or so.. then when he went into corrections (became a prison guard) he changed a LOT and at that point they saw what he was capable of. from that point on they pretty much just tolerated him. even when i stayed during his affairs they would just tolerate him.

once we split for good, there was no more tolerating him. my family has been so hurt and so impacted by his actions. in fact, at our first custody hearing he brought other woman with him. my mother was there and saw the 2 of them together and was seething. when we left the hearing, my mother turned to me and said "don't worry, i am hiring you the best attorney money can buy, there is NO WAY he is going to get custody of those children!" (not like he would anyway, he has no grounds for it but still)...

i don't think they realize that when they hurt us they hurt our entire families.

and i agree, you don't go looking to fall in love. when it hits you you just better be ready!

mlhb

Ughhh !

Yes - add me to the similar experiences.
You can say my husband waited til he was married to start dating.

My husband of 5yrs. (together 10) had his first affair after 3 mos. of marriage. His second 6 mos. after that.
We had a seemingly good marriage for 2.5 yrs. Add on 2 precious children.

Then he fessed up on the first 2 Jan 06. Since his confession he's started a third A
(although i think it started prior to the confession and he hoped i'd leave w/my new knowledge cuz in attitude he'd already withdrawn from our family)

Plan B started July. I filed for D for financial protection and I'm not sorry.

He's living w/22 y.o. now.
On most days I see myself in Plan D playing Plan B.

He's of very low self esteem.
His dad continues to cheat to this day. Every time I think of his dad's relationship w/current W, I breathe a sigh of relief that I won't be her in 20 years.
I have self diagnosed him as depressed and passive agressive.

I can't even think about the time I think about starting to date again. I'm of the it hits you when I'm ready and I'm so not ready for a few years.

Empathy to all yal.
Michelle

I also was the victim of multiple affairs. And I played a mighty fine victim too. Too bad I didn't find this place sooner.



Gee, that sounds like something my WW would say. LOL

Thanks for your great sucess story...I also know in my heart that I'll be the most content and happy husband again someday....but I'm not in a hurry.

I'm still healing....I at least hope so!!