Here is our history. We met at work. At the time I was still trying to make things work with an ex of mine although we live in different states and have had a rocky relationship at best. There was an instant attraction but I tried to ignore it. After only two weeks at work, we went out. From that date on we were inseperable. We bonded instantly and feel in love within the first month. He knew of my situation with the ex. For some reason I couldn't let it go. I ended up lying and went to visit the ex. My intentions were to end the relationships completely. We fought the whole time I was there. But we ended up sleeping together. I didn't come clean for about two months afterward. He was mad, but we were working on things. The ex kept popping in periodically. He recently sent me a ticket to visit him. I promised completely honestly after revealing I cheated, so I told him about it. I thought it was the right thing to do. It only brought back old feelings. Since then we haven't been able to get along. I have no clue what to do anymore. He gets mad at me all the time and keeps saying he needs to get over everything. He was fine until the ticket issue popped up. Even though it took too long, I finally told the ex to take a hike and he's completely out of the picture. I completely understand my fault in allowing him to be around for too long. I just need advice in how to deal with the situation. We planned on getting married. Now he always wants time alone and gets mad at everything I do. He keeps saying how he needs to focus on him because he did so much for me before and I cheated on him, so now he's done with doing that. Is there anything I can do? He thinks that I never hurt in this situation and takes everything very very personally. He's been cheated on before by other women that he loved. I'm almost to the point of tears daily because he can be cruel. I feel like it's unfair that he only wants to focus on himself now. I told him that it's not good for the relationship because if he only focused on himself and not us, then he'll be fine, but our relationship will be gone. He thinks if he focuses on the relationship, he won't be fine. He won't listen to my advice because he says he likes to figure things out on his own and doesn't like other peoples advice. Am I being insensitive because I was the one who cheated and created all of this? Please help!!!

OK, lets see if I can understand this. You were trying to work things out with your ex and sleeping with the ex and having a relationship with him but he lives a bus ticket away.

So, in the meantime, you cheated on the ex with this new guy from work. He was local and after all, the ex was far away.

Ok, then you lied to the new guy and went back for a romp in the hay with the ex. So you ended up cheating on the new guy you met at work...

But which guy were you planning on marrying? The new man you only just met, or the ex?

Basically you cheated on both guys! If I was the new guy I would never trust you again. And I would not marry you whichever guy you were going to marry....

Look, if you cheat on a guy it tells you that you are not ready for marriage. It tells you that you dont love the guy you cheated on. So in this case, you love neither man enough to even consider marriage since you cheated on both of them.....

I would suggest wishing him your best and moving on. I don't think you are ready for dating, much less marriage.

Dating is a TEST DRIVE for marriage and it sounds like this test has been a dismal failure. I don't see you as marriage material and it appears he doesn't either. Dishonesty and cheating should be immediate knock out factors for any marriage candidates.

I would suggest that you wait several years before even considering marriage until you mature a little more.

Did the first M end due to infidelity?

Are you serious about your new boyfriend questioning your "advice" about life and relationships with your self ackowledged history?

I also think you should break up...

his punishment and being cruel are not OK...will not solve/resolve anything
establish patterns of acceptability in conflict resolution that are bad

what are the type of cruel things he says daily

ARK

Your boyfriend should dump you immediately. If he doesn't... do the only good thing for him and leave. You are immature and selfish and are getting what you asked for with your behavior. Get help and start anew with someone else after you have learned how to be an adult.

come on guys easy up a little bit!!!!

huh?

I guess I need to clarify the situation a little bit better. The original ex and I, we'll call him A, live with one another. I moved out of the state. It was not a bus ticket away, but instead 1500 miles. We had trouble with our relationship. After moving, I tried for months to make things works. He continually told me I needed to move on and date other people. I refused. I started a new job and it was only then that he decided he still had interest in me. At the new job I met, D, and there was an attraction there. A had told me for so long to just move on, that I decided to go out with D. Our relationship started moving very quickly. A was out of the picture and knew that things didn't workout with us. At this point he was trying his best to keep me. He knew I was with someone else.

The trip to see him had been planned for a long time. I was going to cancel it but a month before the trip BOTH of my parents were diagnosed with cancer. Everyone told me to use the trip as a chance to get the seriousness of what was happening at home off my mind. I lied to D about who I was going to visit. I am not making an excuse for doing this. I know it was wrong and I never should have done. While I was visiting A we slept together.

I kept the secret from D for two months. During this time D got me pregnant. I decided to terminate the pregnancy. Finally I told D what happened on the trip. He had suspected all along and I confirmed what he thought was true. He was extremely upset. But we talked about it extensively and we were moving forward. We both had a lot of emotions from both issues that we had to deal with, but thing were moving along time.

A kept popping up every once in a while with phone calls or emails. He sent me a plane ticket to come see him. I did NOT take the ticket. I told D that A had sent it. Because like I said, I had promised him complete honesty from now on. I told him my feelings about the ticket being sent. I guess A doing this just brought back all D's old feelings because since then he has just been angry with me.

Now he always wants to be alone and gets mad at me constantly. I don't really understand because we were moving forward and then after being honest about the ticket which I didn't use, he's now mad at me. Everything we used to talk about was WE, now he only wants to do what HE wants. Every little argument we had turns back into a fight about the cheating and if he gets mad at me for something tiny he's mad for days.

I don't know if I missed something because everything was getting better and now it's going downhill fast. I thought being honest about being sent the ticket was the right thing to do but it just made things worse. A is completely out of the picture. I cut off all forms of contact with him. So at this point he's not an issue anymore.

Does this make more sense to everyone now? Any advice?

How does this change anything we said? There is nothing here that changes my advice. This test has failed because anyone who cheats and lies while dating is not marriage material. It is in his best interest to move on.

Brighteyes:

Cool the realtionship with D for a while. And ignore A. He deserves it, and you longer live with him, you once did but 1,500 miles isn't the spare bedroom. This site is pro-marriage and anti-affair, and the posts above support that. Your circumstances are between two differnt BF's, not a H and OM. But you just need to make a choice.

You were never married to EX were you? So, he is 1,500 miles away, so what if he pines for you, make your choice and stick with it. Your New BF is not disappointed in the ticket, he is disappointed in YOU, and your waffling. So Woman up and make the choices needed.

you need a clean break from both and never see either again- then you can start over in a couple of years after you have had to time to get healthy yourself

I’m with moveforward here.

You should cut it off clean with both men and work on yourself for a while.

The issues that I see in your story are about you.

As previously mentioned by Melodylane I believe, this is a trial run for M.

The amount of negative energy that will bear down on your relationship with either man, should you choose to build a future with one of them, will be a tremendous obstacle to overcome.

This is why we only sleep and have intimate relationships with one person at a time whether we are married or not.

I wish you well BEB25, but I think that you need to read Harley’s materials, get some IC to resolve your own issues of self esteem, and work on yourself for a while until you are happy being alone.

This will mean that you won’t “need a man” to be happy and you will be in a much healthier position to be a good mate for a good man in the future. It will also help you to have healthier boundaries for yourself AND a future partner that will allow you to have a much more fulfilling relationship.

For right now my vote is that you burden yourself with issues about yourself before you allow these to become part of another human beings big picture.

Choose your path wisely.

Melody you're obvious just a ******.

I thank everyone else's advice. I understand this is a pro marriage website. If I was all about cheating, I wouldn't be here. I was simply looking for advice to get my relationship on the right track if it was at all possible. Like I said, I have cut off all contact with A.

D is interested in fixing the relationship with me. That's why I'm here. He said he hasn't forgiven me yet, but he wants to. He hasn't walked away from the relationship yet, so I am doing my best to change what I need to change to make things work. He is being distant lately, and I didn't know if that was part of the healing process. I just wasn't sure what was going on with him.

If he wants to make things work, why would I walk away from that? The point of me coming here is because we had many talks of marriage. If we can fix our problems now I believe we can have a strong marriage. I know it takes work and I'm willing to do the work. I know I have a lot to prove to D, it just would be nice for people not to rip on me and help give me advice to move forward.

Honey, how long have you been dating Mr D?

Have you told A and D about your pregnancy and abortion yet? Do you know for sure who's baby it was?

If Mr. D is so amazing, why are you screwing around on him with Mr. A?

You are not married.

This is not an affair, but it really ought to be a wake-up call for both of you.

When you are dating you are supposed to be all caught up with the glow and excitement of young love.

If that glow and excitement is not enought to keep you from straying now, it certainly seems like it is not going to give you very much to go back to when the glow starts to fade.

Just some advice you probably already know...dont be offended but if you are going to have sex with anyone please use three forms of protective birth control each time. You dont want another baby or another abortion. And you dont want to bring diseases from one man to another by not using "male or female" condoms. Protect you and your men, and use some powerful and protective birth control each and every time you have sex.

No longer are the days that a man will marry you for getting pregnant. Most likely you will end up a single mom and the man will be gone even if he does pay child support for 21 years......

Brighteyes:

There are no easy answers to your situation. You need to spend time working on yourself, using the techniques listed on this web-site, along with Mr. D. You may have flip-flopped between BF's, and you need to deal with the repercussions of that, and it may destroy the R with Mr. D.

Read HNHN (His needs, Her Needs) avilable on this website, and you can start to understand what was in you to waffle like you did, and build a future with Mr D.