Is there any women that has returnied the wonderful gift of the pain of an affair? I am so sick of the attitude of "You just need to get over it!" or "You know I wouldn't stay if you cheated on me, why are you here?". I know it sounds rash but, when it boils down to needs, she is the one whom "got lucky" and here I sit looking at someone who cheated on me but when it comes to marital relations why can't we be together...who said the human mind was easy to understand.<p>[This message has been edited by Robert (edited October 05, 1999).]

Sounds to me like she has a wonderful case of the guilts and she doesn't know how to react to your sweetness in staying. Also sounds like she doesn't think much of herself, she states she wouldn't stay so why should you? Maybe she doesn't believe in the fact that you love her that much? I am confused as to who is the actual betrayer here, sounds like she is and she's trying very hard not to feel so bad about what she did to you. Either way, sweetness or honey always gets you what you want more so than vinegar. God Bless<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!<P>

Robert,<BR>Shame on you :-) Soliciting an affair on an infedelity forum? I know you're probably joking and I know you are hurting, but haven't you read some of the stuff here. The betrayers say that it feels worse to be the betrayer. My H told me the say thing. (that he wouldn't be with me if I did this to him) I'm not sure what that make him feel, but I've thought about it and I think he says it because of his guilt. My H wants me to stay, but doesn't think he deserves it. I think that is all he is saying. If you love your W, be careful what you choose. You can't take it back, and pride will never be a good enough reason to cause someone that much pain. I don't think "pay back" will work here.

Hi Robert,<P>Trust me: you'll NEVER really get over it. You will, however, eventually accept it happened, and believe it or not, you might even forget about it for longer and longer periods of time. <P>Vengeance is a cold hard road to travel down. Do you really want to do this sort of thing? Do you really want to put yourself in the position of betrayer? If some jerk had killed your dog, would the only way for you to get comfort have to be if you killed their dog? Of course not! You would be degrading yourself and by doing this you would not only lower yourself to their level, but you would take it down to a whole new (and lower!) level.<P>Your wife may not understand your forgiving attitude. Just tell her, "this is what love is about," and try to make her understand that we don't love each other for how perfect we are and how perfectly we live life - we love each other for all the mistakes that make us who we are. <P>Elixir

Thanks for the posts. After a period of time I guess I could see the reasoning behind "not" returning the favor...I can say that I still have my dignity left, I just would like to find someone whom complements me as a human instead of someone who seems to wish me more harm than good. I know that the affair was not intended to hurt me, but it has been one of the most cruel things anyone has ever done to me (I know cause I was abused as a child and I think that was easier to get over). The other thing is that I do know this will always be in the back of my mind and not really that fair to a probable future of "us". One last thing, sex has always been difficult (feeling comfortable unless she is drunk - majorly drunk) but when she was with the other man (before I found out) sex was the best ever that I can remember in the 10 yrs. her & I have been together without being drunk. That really upsets me and to be perfectly honest, sexually she has never really fulfilled many of my desires, but was able to when she was seeing him. AND I HATE HIM FOR THAT.