I am new to the site and am hoping for some guidance on exactly what is going on with my life. I will try not to make it long, but I feel I need to share enough so my peers can offer advice/views that may be applicable. Here we go...

After 20 yrs of marriage and 3 small children my wife is divorcing me. Our 20 year marriage was not wonderful but certainly not bad neither. We have gone thru the expected trials and tribulations you'd expect from a life of 20 yrs. Nothing serious. We share the same values, just petty fights from time to time. Only thing remotely serious was her lack of desire for S. Again, I think pretty common and ordinary types of issues.
She was a stay at home mom for almost 9 yrs and just went back to work last yr. About 6 months ago she decides to have a telephone affair with a 63 yr old man(we are 38!!)and then that led to 4 overnight encounters. I found out about it 3 months ago. That night she revealed every thing along with I have never ever loved you, the new man is who she is in love with, it has been the best 3 months of her life, and that she wants a divorce!!
I was devastated. I have loved and cared for this woman since we were 18 yrs of age. Not once have we had any serious difficulty in our marriage and now out of the blue she is done and has no remorse over her infidelity or her decisions. She has always been a staple of integrity, responsibility, and commitment. She has been a true inspiration to me. Obviously the love I thought we shared was one sided. I tend to be the female of the realtionship always communicating. She has been accumulating what I understand as "silent resentment" that ultimately blew up. She says she got an emotional divorce from me yrs ago. Then why am I so shocked and absolutly oblivious to it? If she refuses to communicate, then how do I know?
She claims her affair is over, but still talks to him!

Now, my question..."what do I do?"
*move on-she is not the same person anymore-I deserve better.
*go thru the divorce and see what happens(I do not know if I can hold on to the pain for that long).
*she is going thru mid life crisis and the affair has made her lose her mind.

I care so much about her. If she is truly unhappy, then I want her to leave and find someone else. I just wish she had worked on the marriage first with honesty and humility. I think we owed it to ourselves, our 3 children, and 20 yrs of life.

This is tragic...

Hi, salam...

The good news:

It sounds as if you are in a good position for getting your wife back and having a relationship that's even stronger than it ever was.

The bad news: it will take work from you. And you'll have to give up the idea that she's having a midlife crisis...I seriously doubt that.

Have you read through the articles on the site? Especially the ones about meeting emotional needs and on the love busters?

Because from what i'm reading, it sounds as if you've been dealing her a string of love busters, that is, doing things that withdraw from the love bank. She's likely been unhappy for a long time, and it finally became too much...you said as much with "She has been accumulating what I understand as "silent resentment" that ultimately blew up. She says she got an emotional divorce from me yrs ago."

The reason you were oblivious is that when she gave up complaining about it, you thought the problems were over.

I really can't express it as well as Dr. Harley does...read the articles and take them to heart. Start with the basic concepts, the love busters, the emotional needs. Then read up on what Dr. Harley has to say on affairs and how to end them.

But you will have to take ownership of your own behavior, and not try to put all the blame on her.

Oh, and she will have to stop all contact with this man, by the way. But you will read about that in the articles and the infidelity forums.

I know if's hard for you right now, but think of it this way: you have a chance to make things much much better. Better than they ever were.

- TW