Thanks for any advice or help. This, I think will be the toughest day of my marriage, I really need some guideance.

OM #1 tried to contact my wife through messenger a few months ago. Just happened to find it a few weeks ago, she never saw it. Yep, there has been more than 1 OM. Anyway, I called her on the carpet and sent him a very nasty letter. Of course I was accused of being deceiful and blah blah blah.
Here is the deal guys or gals. I asked her to close her secret account about a year ago. Was accused of punishing her and blah, blah, blah. She never closed it. It was actually her other account that I have her password to that he tried to contact her through. I saw the other day that he updated his profile on the secret account he used with my wife in the beginning. He’s got another one also.

Anyway I want both of them closed. She can start a new one that he will not know about. That simple!

I want you all to know something, I love my wife with all my heart, but I am willing to end my marriage for this boundry.

We are about to purchase a new house and I need this commitment from her to start our lives anew. She puts her affairs on me as my fault or my mistrust again I am prepared to go plan B while I search out a lawyer to start plan D. I feel that strongly about this.

Please help me walk this line correctly. Any of you ever have to walk this line?

What? She puts her affairs on you because you do not trust her? This is crazy. She screws other men behind your back, puts your health at risk for STD's and claims she engges in these sexual affairs because you don't trust her?...Oh Please.

You judge a person by their actions and not by their words and her actions speak volumes. the fact that she lied to you once again by tellling you she closed her secret account a year ago while in fact she did not sends a very clear message to you. She has no problem lying to you and refuses to take responsibility for her actions. I think you would be quite foolish at this point to purchase a home with her.

You gave her an opportunity to prove her honesty and trust to you and she failed miserably. Why would she refuse to close this secret account unless she planned to use it again without your knowledge? I suggest you contact an attorney to understand your options.

If the roles were reversed do you honestly think your wife would accept you saying that all of your sexual cheating and affairs with other women were because your wife did not trust you; and you have kept a secret email account open which were used for the affair after promising your would close it?...How ridiculous. Do you really need to have a piano fall on your head to understand what is really goin on here?

Bryan,
She never told me she closed it. We don't even live in the same state as these sh**bags any more.
Obviously I must not have conveyed it well enough.
This As*hole after well over a year tried to contact her. It was not even through her secret account.
Anyway.
I know what I need to do tonight. I just need all doors closed!

BKarl....

I'm not sure what your boundaries are sir? It doesn't appear as though there is POJA....I am not sure that I understand the problem...

It seems like one of my boundaries would be that she doesn't have a profile for her to be contacted. The one thing you should understand about OM...they never go away....whenever they need an ego boost they'll try and contact her....it's just the caliber person they are....

It seems like there's deeper issues here....the fact that she still "blames you"??? Is huge...

She blamed me for punishing her when I first asked her to close it a year ago. I have not brought up anything affair related in quite some time. As far as I know she has not used that account in quite a while.
I want these a**holes out of our life forever. I need to have these doors closed. OM knows her email accounts. The little turd tried to sneak back in.

BKarl, I don't think the problem is necessarily this isolated incident, but an attitude of indifference and disrespect when it comes to affair proofing your marriage. She is not interested in doing to hard work it takes to restore trust to your marriage.

I would ask her what her plan is to restore trust and affair proof your marriage, BKarl, because this incident has surely shaken your trust. This should be the focus of the discussion, rather the single incident of the messenger account. If she is willing to work on restoring trust in your marriage, then y'all should set out a plan. If she is not, then you have to decide if you are willing to live with a spouse who is not interested in protecting your marriage from adultery.

The important thing to understand here is that you cannot change her. You might be able to BADGER her into deleting her Messenger, but you can't badger her into deleting the real problem, ie: HER ATTITUDE. You must accept her how she is and then decide if you can live with it or not.

I think what people are trying to say to you is the following: if the doors weren't left open in the first place, there would be no way to contact your wife. The doors of contact were obviously left opened. It is your wife's responsibility to ensure that there is nothing left to chance. If she has to change every single account she has, so be it. Right? Your anger and frustration is totally understood, but the blame doesn't stand with OM. You have no relationship with him.

If you have a boundary of ABSOLUTELY no contact, it seems clear to me what needs to occur. Just my humble opinion.

You're right Mel. I can't tell you how long I have felt like this. And no, I will not feel like this for the rest of my life.
There will either be a start to true healing tonight or we will be on our way to done.
I have always felt her attitude has been, " I stopped the affair, now get over it and let's continue our marriage"

Clarify your boundary further. Widen out the area.

For me the deal breaker was that I refused to have any OW in MY LIFE. Even if that maant losing the Ws. Not much of a loss if that is what he was..... I realized that so my love for the Ws wasn't worth fighting for. Now my H was worth it but not the WS. If the WS was the only thing in front of me, then I had to decide and I did. That boundary stuck for me then and now.

L.