STBXW,
It will be a year tommorow that we have been apart. So much has changed in that time I don't know where to start.
Two days from today, you will file to end the "legal" part of our marriage. And I can't figure out why it is bothering me so much.

Still today, I don't want us to divorce.

We shared so many good times over the years. even though we differ on how much of this marriage was good, I still believe its was great for a long time. We laughed alot, cried alot, worried alot, and fought alot. But, somehow, we always made it though. No matter what came our way, we managed to land on solid ground. We were always able to reach down and find the love we held for each other.

Except the last time.

So many times I tried to block you from my heart. So many times I told myself that I was better without you. So many times, I fooled myself about how I really felt.

I still haven't changed the codes for the house. The locks to the doors are still the same. Your voice still on the answering machine. The dresser drawers where you kept your clothes are empty in hopes you will one day return. I never could find the courage to prevent you from coming back home.

Over the last year, alone, I have come to discover what is really important in this world. What really counts. What life is really is about.

I have looked deep and hard at myself. I have examined the good, the bad, and the ugly. I have examined what is important not only to me, but, what is important to others in my life and how I affect them.

Thank you for leaving. You have taught me many lessions that I would not have learned without you out of my life. I learned how to be my own person, how to take care of things I never had to take care of before. How to stand on my own two feet.

When you first left, my world came crashing down. I never treally thought you would go. Months went by and I couldn't stop thinking about you. I thought I would end up alone, with nothing. But, I have discovered that I have actually gained alot.

I finally really, really know me.

When we talked yesterday, I really hoped that you had a change of heart. Much to my disappointment, you still feel the same.

So, in two days, I will give you what you want. I will divorce you. I love you enough to let you be free. I love you enough to see you be happy. Even if that is not with me. I don't believe that anyone out there is better for you than me, but, its no longer my choice.

You said yesterday, that you never once regretted leaving. That you have never missed me. That you have never missed us. I guess I have enough regret and missing for both of us. I don't believe that because every once in a while I see a little bit of the love shine though. Maybe I don't want to believe you really feel that way.

Over the past year, you have lost so much. Your first BF went back to his wife. Crushing your heart. Your second, recently killed. You have lost a beautiful house, 1/2 your time with a child, and most of all, you have lost someone who loves you unconditionlly, your husband.

I told you yesterday, that no one knows you like I do. I know what you fear the most, what you love the most. I know what makes you smile and what makes you mad. I know your good points and your flaws. And I am still here. Still loving you.

Incredably, you still have the ability to stop me in my tracks with a look on your face. You still have the ability to make me turn and look at you in amasement, and you still have the ability to just look at me a certain way, and melt my heart. Your deep blue eyes are forever inscribed in my heart.

In the end, I hope that you find whatever it is you are looking for. I hope that you find that one person who makes you feel the way you deserve to feel. And I'm sorry that I wasn't the one who could make it happen.

Know that no matter what, I will still hold a place for you inside me. I no longer fight to rid myself of you, instead, I have grown to accept that you are there and I might as well make it confortable for you. I will miss you for a long, long time.

I am sorry for all the things I did to you. I am sorry that I "killed" every feeling you had for me. I am sorry that I wasn't everything thing you deserved. And last, I am sorry for ever, ever hurting you. Believe it or not, I never wanted us to be like this.

Thank you for some of the greatest years of my life. Thank you for giving me two wonderful children. Thank you for taking a chance with me so many years ago and falling in love with me. Thank you for standing up for me when I couldn't and for forcing me to be better than I ever thought I could be. Thank you for the love you showed me, even when I didn't deserve it. Thank you for the support you gave me, when I was unwilling to give it back to you.

Thank you for allowing me to be a part of your life.

Above all, thank you for all the times I should have said it, but didn't. I owe alot to you and I won't forget.

I only have one last request. I hope that one day you are able to see all the love that surrounds you. Not just my love, but everyone around you too. I hope that one day, you can see just how much you are loved and what a truely special person you are. Inside and out.

I hope that you are able to finally look in the mirror and really see the beauty that is shiniing back.

I wish you the best my love, and will always think of you with a pounding in my heart and a smile on my face.

May all your dreams come true, and all your sorrows be short.

May you find true happiniess, wherever you go.

May you find that true love you so mush deserve.

(Me)

I read your letter twice.......I hope you know this letter is more for you than it will be for her. She has said that she doesnt regrett one bit the decision she made. I really, really doubt this letter will do anything other than re-assure your STBX that she knows you cant live without her and that she was always in control.

Personally, I wouldnt give the satisfaction. I wouldnt send it.

Its up to you though.

Nope --- Not going to send it to her.

I write to her here instead of sending it.

Better to vent here.

I know it won't change anything.

Its more for me than her.

Good deal!.....God Bless you!!!!

I disagree my friend!!
I am in the same boat as you-your letter is beautiful and filled with such intense and honest feelings. I also am madly in love with her. But the love is so one sided. My stbxw has also "lost her mind". She does not care about me today or any of my feelings. However, I firmly believe that one day, some day, she will come to her senses and realize what her mistakes were and how she threw away a life full of potential.
Do send her the letter. If she keeps it, just maybe, one day she will read it over and wake up to her poor decisions and realize what a wonderful person you were despite the difficulties. If you love her, and I know you do, you owe it to her to set her straight and make her realize how selfish her behavior was. If she is as wonderful as you claim, one day she will realize her mistakes. You would not have served her well if you do not send her your wonderful letter. Ultimately, men like you and I will find true love and realize what mutual loving really feels like.
Best wishes...

Her reading that letter will not do any of that. Usually time will. Letters like that make the WW think you are pathetic. It will more than likely do more harm than good. Send it if you must, I wouldnt.

If it makes a difference this is the letter that I want from my WH... but sending this letter won't help your situation. Sorry, but she'll read the letter and throw it away. So, don't send the letter. I'm sure that your WW knows exactly how you feel and this letter will not change HER feelings.

wow...what a beautiful letter. I could only dream of a man writing something like that to me.

You'll find happiness again. To not would be too much of a waste.

Best of luck.

Lucy- and Still--and Kim-- Still you are in love with something that is not there. Your sentiments are very good but are wasted on some one that could care less. Hope you will find some one that will return you sentiments. Go out and find that person! johoman

I'm right about where you are, getting very close to the end and battling all the same feelings. I've been considering having "one last conversation" with her just to say those things. I suspect her reaction will be that she still wants to move forward with the D. Either way, it doesn't necessarily mean I shouldn't talk to her about how I feel. The only thing that everyone seems to agree on is that the letter is more for your benefit than hers. So I say, if it will make you feel better or help heal your feeling go for it. Whats the worst that can happen, she can throw the letter away and think you are "pathetic". Does that really matter when you are going through the ultimate rejection of divorce? Follow your heart on this one.