FWH told me last night that he regrets telling anyone what happened. And, when I tell him that he should regret the affair, he just rolls his eyes and gives me the "you don't know what happened. You don't understand what happened" yadda yadda yadda..." I feel like he's not telling me the whole truth.

Quick rundown: He was getting close to a woman he worked with, and it climaxed one night when they started making out, and she wanted sex, but he stopped her. He told me, then went and talked to his boss. Boss waited four days to ask for their resignations, so, what had been just the business of us and the OW and her hubby, was now open for public scrutiny, of which there is a LOT in our small community. He's upset that everyone knows, of course.

I feel like I'm doing all I need to do to meet his ENs, then he hits me w/ stuff like this, and I'm back to square one. I told him this morning that I have a questionnaire for him to fill out so that I can have on paper what his ENs are and I can fulfill them. I'm going to try this and see if he will even be remotely interested in making an attempt to fulfill mine.

Is this the right route for me to take? Should I keep busting my behind for this man who doesn't seem to be sorry for his cheating?

m4

mama4,

Yes it is worth it!!! I know it is so hard to see why right now, especially with all the hurt and pain he has inflicted. But as I have been reminded this weekend myself, our marriage vows were/ are a covenant. We can't just abandon them because it looks so impossible.

From your earlier posts, your marriage was not in best form when all this happened anyway, so that is why it is hard to want to wait and fix things. God has such a better plan for our marriages, and in our humanity we fall way below the mark. Begin thinking of this time you have as a new start. I know that is hard with your husband in denial that he really did anything wrong since no PA took place. It doesn't matter, it still hurts the same.

Have you gotten the book Torn Asunder? It deals with all this from the spiritual aspect as well and is a good partner to the MB concepts.

Above all else, you need to dig in your heels...your battle is NOT with your WS, it is with the enemy of your soul! It helps to place some of your anger and frustration there, as that is truly the root problem. Yes, we have the real world details as well, like EN's being met, etc. But the most practical thing you can do is dig in deep and fight the spiritual battle that is at hand. Only God can convict your husband of his sin.

I am praying for you, and hearing your news makes me want to stand and fight even harder for my mariiage. be encouraged today, God is still in control!

M$:

The battle has just begun.

Did your H Resign? Did the OW?

Your H Boss did the right thing, not often that happens in the workplace in regards to things like this. Exposure helps kill the A.

You have made other posts, do you need to bring additional info to this thread?

Read up about Plan A and what you need to do for him. Handing him an EN Q'aire at this point brought an expected response.

There is more to the story, are your prepared to hear it?

Decide what the worst thing you can imagine happen in this EA/PA, and then decide your response to that, you can then guage how you feel about the information that you do learn, and you deem reliable.

It gets tougher before it gets easier...

LG--Yes, both FWH and OW resigned. Boss had planned on letting OW go anyway, but in light of what happened, he couldn't let her go w/out letting FWH go as well. Now the job-hunting is non-existent, and, of course, I'm very concerned, but that's another story. I don't have much time to put anything else about our relationship tonight. I shouldn't be on the computer now, because it's bedtime, and the little ones are almost into their second wind!

I need to print info about Plan A out so that I can read it in depth instead of in snatches--I'm on here now only because he has left the house, and that is concerning me. He's left the past two nights for a while...of course, I worry if he's either talking to her (he took his cell phone) or meeting her to talk to her somewhere--her mother only lives a block or so away. I wouldn't be concerned if he hadn't said the things he's said over the past few days. Also, computer history has been deleted over the past several days. But I also know that someone who has given him money before lives only a few blocks from here, and he wants money to start a business, and this person may very well give it to H.

IHC--thank you thank you thank you--I'm at the point where I think no one cares...I know in my head that God has a plan for me, but my heart simply doesn't feel right now--I haven't gotten the book, I need to look for it on ebay, as our funds are really limited w/out H working right now, but I've sold a few things on there, and have a little dough in my account. He seems to think it's stupid for me to be reading for help--he thinks it's going to happen with no effort whatsoever.

m4

Hi Mama-

Sounds like my WH. First of all, it wasn't just an EA. If they "made out" but didn't have sex, they were having foreplay. That's physical. And just because it wasn't intercourse, it was still a physical affair. Sorry to be so blunt. But it's true. They got physical.

When I told my WH that he made his EA into a PA when he kissed the girl he wanted to be his OW and left her a love letter-he finally accepted that what he had done WAS an affair-emotional or otherwise. (She exposed him and has had NC since. Her mom is a good friend of mine.)

Also, mine is still an WH because he has not repented for what he did. He claims that he has accepted responsibility for his actions because he got CAUGHT (and lost his ministry position) and had to confess, but his actions before he left us showed a man still in the same mindset.

Torn Asunder really is a great book for understanding the grip of an EA, the process of getting through an A, and what both the WS and BS feel.

If you want me to send you my copy-I will. It's heavily highlighted, but it is just sitting on a shelf. It helped me greatly, but WH refused to read it or do anything beyond attend a few MC session. I'd rather have it do some good.

Besides, I remember those times between jobs, with little ones, and $ being tight.

My email is in my profile. Just send me your address and I'll pop it in the mail.

Hang in there-

Hey, johnstwin--hope you're feeling well.

You are so right--he kissed her, and that made things physical, thus, a physical affair. I've always made excuses for him, and even though he is totally in the wrong on this one, I'm still making excuses for him.

So, even though H says he's sorry for hurting me, he's still a WH? He told me the other night (wee hours of Monday AM) that I need to "get over it. It's not what you think it was." I told him when you send flowers to another woman, and make her CD's w/ love songs on them, that's courting/dating, and when you kiss them, that's taking it to the next level, and that's an affair--he cheated on me. He said that at the time, he wanted it--not her, "it", which I'm supposing is the emotional closeness that they developed w/ him as her protector on the highways some nights...oh, god, it still hurts to think about it...I thought I had stopped crying over the thought of the magnitude of this. He doesn't think it was all that much of a big deal. He hurt that woman, I know. I know that H is a charmer, and she probably thought that her troubled marriage was over, and she could be w/ H. He hurt her husband as well, as he's known him for several years.

Thanks for the offer on the book--I may take you up on it. Since I have a little extra e-money from selling a few things, I'll look at Barnes and Noble for the book. I think about the copy of Power of a Praying Wife that's sitting in my drawer that I bought several years ago, and every time I read it, I cried--I'm so pessimistic, that I will never believe that my husband can change even just a few things. And isn't that stupid coming from a woman who believes in a God that can do anything...

I mentioned the EN Q'aire last night, but he didn't seem interested. I'm gonna try again today. He is no longer interested in talking w/ the minister friend of his that he called D-day week. So, no MC for us. Tomorrow will be a month since D-day.

Must hush now--kiddies are waking up, and my day must officially begin.

Thanks so much--

m4

mama4,

I cried when I read your post, because those same emotions have been mine as well.

Your H does not seem to actually be sorry, or he would understand that you can't just "get over it". This is a deep wound and it doesn't heal when he is pretending that what he did is not "that big of a deal". It is a huge deal.
But I think the only One who can convince him of that is the Holy Spirit.

Dig out that power of a praying wife book. It will make you cry, but it will also produce fervent prayer too. I think it is so helpful because you don't necessarily have to have a clear head to get the prayer out...it's written so well already.

I am kind of Plan A'ing right now, even though my H is out of the home. My plan A is about me becoming the woman God called me to be...not just for my H, but for me. I have been praying and reading and worshipping with even greater passion. God has met me at my every need. Finances, encouragement, hope. He will do that for you too. It seems that just when I can't hang on any longer, He provides my "manna" for the day.

I have to repent often for my lack of faith in believing His promise to restore, especially when I look at my circumstance. I just have to remember, as do you, to keep my eyes upon Him. This is His battle. Yes, there are practical things I need to be doing, but I can never forget to let HIm be God. I can't fix this...it is a heart issue between my H and God. Your H has to stand before God, your job is to cover him in prayer so that when God speaks, he hears.

I encourage you again to read the story of King Jehoshaphat in 2 Chron. 20. The battle is the Lord's and He will fight it. Our job is to praise...for who He is, what He has done, what He is doing, and what He is going to do!!! The battle was impossible, but they did not even have to fight! Then on top of that, the spoils were so great they took days to reap. That is what God is promising for our marriages!!!

I am praying for you now daily. I hope you will keep posting. I am not an experienced MBer, but I am a praying woman and will remember you often in my prayers. Hopefully some other MBers will come alongside to help with the "practical" issues that have to happen. johnstwin seems to have a good handle on it.

M4-

I'm doing okay.Thanks for asking. I don't have too many side effects yet-just the daily fatigue. INC is right. The battle is the Lords and it's the HS's job to work on your WH.

You're WH sounds soooo much like mine. He thought that because he had confessed that he had repented. He wanted that to be enough. He wanted me to get over it so I could make him feel better (the MC nailed him on that one).
It's the actions that show if a WS is a Former. My WH is acting and sounding like an alien infected Wayward, even though his A failed to even start.

INC is also right about Power of a Praying Wife. I tore the chapters on praying for his mind and his emotions out and put them in my journal-so that I would pray for him every time I took my feelings and hurt to God.

Also, don't like you have to be "up" just because you believe that God can do anything. I love the story in the gospels of the man whose son had seizures and came to Jesus for healing. When Jesus asked him "Do you believe?" he replied "Yes I believe. Help my unbelief." Jesus didn't get upset with the man for saying-I have the belief you can do it, but I'm not sure.... The boy was healed.

Even if your WH won't read MB books or Torn Asunder, or meet with an accountability person-it will still benefit you to read and learn, pray and vent here.

Your in good company at MB. I'm still going through the journey. Others who have made it through will be here to listen as well.

I'm still willing to send you my books. Let me know.

Asked H to at least read over EN questionaire, and he acted offended, even when I told him it would help me be a better wife to him...I thought that would play into his ego, but I left it on the dresser just in case.

PPW is out of the drawer and I started reading last night...I have to stop thinking negatively. While washing clothes, I'll think--will he let me take the washer and dryer if I leave? Stuff like that--I know "the enemy" is putting those thoughts in my head...

JT--I never knew of the story about the "unbelieving" man. I've always been taught that if you doubt, you will not get healing...let me get that Bible...

love and peace to you all--
m4

M4-

That's what I love about the bible. You might have read a Psalm or the gospels over and over and one day-BINGO!-it means something completely different.

I guess it's best explained by a comment my 83-year-old father made one day. He'd written a bible verse on a post-it and put it in his car. I commented on the verse and he said "I'm just so excited about the things God is revealing to me." He's been a Christian since childhood! It's true, that "He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion, until the day of Jesus Christ." Phil. 1:6

The story is in from Mark 9:14-27 (my ellipses to shorten it) " Jesus asked the boy's father "How long has he been like this?" "From childhood," he answered, "..But if you can do anything, take pity on us and help us."
"If you can?" said Jesus. "Everything is possible for him who believes." Immediately the boy's father exclaimed, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!"

I am always amazed how God continues to show me it's okay to be human. Have a great day. BTW: It's raining here today <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

IHC--I didn't see your most recent post until yesterday, and then, I didn't have time to reply. I SO need Godly women for support. I don't have it at home. The one friend I had to rely on for Godly wisdom is now 200 miles away. She is the first person I called after H confessed to A, and I thank God for her--I knew that I could trust her not to gossip, and I could trust her to pray for me on the spot, and to tell me what I needed to hear. But she has lots more children than I do, and I hate to call her too often. I've just asked her to pray, and if she doesn't hear from me, I'm okay. You just don't know how much I appreciate knowing that I'm on your prayer list! While breakfast is cooking this morning, I'm going to read Jehosaphat's story again...funny I've gone to church since forever, and some stories I just don't remember. Honestly, I've gotten out of reading the Bible lately. I know that God is trying to get my and H's attention with all of this. He has it--I'm focused on the wrong things right now--stuff that shouldn't be a priority, and I'm trying to break that in me. And, H has decided to become self-employed again doing something that couldn't even support us when there was only three of us, now there's six, and I'm very concerned. He was basically handed a blank check by someone who loves him dearly, and told to get whatever he needed up to $20,000--no, I'm not exaggerating--can you imagine? I'm praying that things don't get worse--I'm so afraid that we're going to get in a real financial mess with this. H spends so much, and so much we don't have. I told him he's making up for not having anything as a child, to the extent of putting us in jeopardy.

Anyway, I just wanted to say thanks. Things have been a little better this week, as long as I keep his ruffled feathers smooth. He's taken to sleeping all day again, tho--says the stress is getting to him. Poor thing--I get SO angry when he says things like that. He's always tried to make his problems worse than others'. I remember when I had third child, and was in the hosp for four days before having him (he was overdue, and docs don't like that anymore). The night we came home, H picked a fight w/ me, and when I started crying, he tells me that he's "been through a lot in the past few days. You just don't know" HA! Try having a baby, mister--then you'll know what it's like to go through something...OH, that's all water under the bridge, but I can't help thinking and resenting all of those things that try to undermine my feelings.

Ok--it's time again to get my day started. Saturdays are for sleeping til 8 AM, and having later breakfast than usual.

m4

M4-

Sounds like your WH is depressed if he's sleeping all day. But you can't make him do anything about it. When you get Surviving an Affair, it will talk about the WS going through "withdrawal" after being separated from their affair partner.

One of the things I didn't realize when the A was exposed was that my WH was in withdrawal in those first weeks. He wasn't actively in the A anymore, but he wasn't willing to move towards healing by accepting any responsibility for his part of it. He even told the MC that he "didn't know" why he did what he did. Our MC told him that he wasn't being emotionally accountable. He wasn't repentant. He just wanted it to "be okay" because he confessed after he got caught. That's not the same thing.

I realize now that my WH was looking to me to make him feel better before he was willing to work on what he did to our M and to me.

Mine also was the kind who, when I had the flu, would say "after you put the kids to bed, why don't you lay down." (Could our H's be related???)<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Keep turning to God and let Him "see if there be any hurtful way" in you and you will be stronger and more connected to Him no matter what happens. That's been so true in my life since all this started.

Mama,
Are you still around? Just checking in and I don't see anything recent. Hope all is well and I am still praying!

Hi, IHC--I'm still around. I've just been busy with several things, and haven't taken the time to visit here. One thing I'm doing w/ my extra time is reading Torn Asunder, a book another BS sent me, and it is a great book for me--I'm understanding things better about the A and how it happened. We still have a long way to go in recovery--how a month and a half of an affair can make you feel like you'll be in active recovery for forever...some days I don't know if I can make it through. We've had some nasty arguments, and I've prayed for God to get us over the ugliness. Someone called me with some questions about what happened, for she had heard some things that OW is saying about it, and, as far as H has told me, the things she's saying aren't true. OW probably needs some IC (like I do) because it wasn't her first affair, and, from what I hear about her behavior, it won't be her last. I know this may sound crazy, but I'm glad this person came to me with this--just when I feel like giving up, the fighter in me returns! I won't let her or Satan take my marriage!

Thanks for your prayers, IHC--hope things are well w/ you!

peace and blessings to you!
mama4