Okay, first some background on my story. You can find that in my previous post from April.
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rue#Post2999791
My H and I are both 22, we have a 2 year old son. We have been married for 2 1/2 years, seperated since June 5, H filed for Divorce June 9, 2006. The day I called his lawyer to confirm I had been served and to proceed was 3 weeks after I received. That afternoon, my H calls me and says he wants to hold off on the D and try and make our marriage work. My MIL has moved to her new house, my H and I are still not living together, but kind of “dating” I guess you would call it. We argue mostly now because he doesn’t come to see me and our son. This past Friday, he calls at 7:30 and says he isn’t going to come to my house because he is tired. He had not seen us in a week. I told him he needed to call his lawyer and we need to proceed with the divorce, (the last thing I really want), because I could not handle living like this any longer and he needed to come and get our son because it was his weekend. He does all this, calls his lawyer and comes and gets our son and gives him to my MIL, because he has to work Saturday. Well, later Saturday night, he calls and asks if he could come over because he wanted to talk and see me. I said yes, because I cant tell him no. Anyways, one thing led to another and next thing I know it is 3 pm on Sunday afternoon and he is still at my house and he tells me nothing has changed in our situation, I feel like an idiot, we had the best day in a very long time, and then he tells me, we are still going through with the divorce. Then today out of the middle of nowhere, he calls me this morning wanting me to wish him good luck on this test he has to take for work. Then he calls me during lunch and wants to try and talk me into moving in to his moms. He wont move out of there, I have tried to compromise with him, I have asked if we could move somewhere else, a house that can be ours. He doesn’t want to move out of his moms. I think he is scared of growing up and letting go. Well, now we are back at step 1. I keep telling him I cant move in there, I have a house and my grandparents live ¼ mile on one side of me and my parents a ¼ mile on the other side. I cant give that up to move into his moms house when he says he isn’t in love with me. And really, if he says he isn’t in love with me, then why would I give in, when he hasn’t even really showed me why I should stay. I have stayed this long because I really want my marriage to work, I love my husband and pray that one day he will wake up. My question is do I give it a few more months, and pray he wakes up or go forward with the divorce. I realize I might not get a straight answer as to what I should do, but I just want to know what others would do in my situation. Or what others have done that have been in my situation. If you need to know anything else, please write a post or msg me and I will elaborate on anything I might have forgotten. Thanks so much for your help because I am truly lost at this point.

first... please learn to press the [return] button! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Wow.. sounds like your husband has a lot of growing up to do.
It also sounds like you have a little to do yourself.

You shouldnt be begging him to come take your Son.

Sounds like you were both too young to get married. But maybe you can both grow into it.


BTW: odds are, he isnt mature enough to be a father. he's intimidated by it. he'd rather be a son, than a father. That's why he's hiding at mommy's house.

Dont try to force him to be one. it will only make things worse. Being a father can be a horrible pressure for a man, if he isnt ready.
Your husband isnt ready. (seems like he's barely out of diapers himself)
The older your son gets, the easier it will be for him.
After your son get to be around 3 years old, he may start getting more involved voluntarily.


I'd say, focus on being the best mother you can be. Pretend you are a single mother, in the sense of "dont expect any help from your husband". (but let him help if he wants!)
If you get a divorce, you'd better get used to that aspect of things anyway.

Not only will this prepare you for the worst... but it may also improve your relationship with your husband.


PS: just read your prior thread: you "separated" for a SINGLE INCIDENT?? (the casino trip thing)

I think you two reaaaally need to have quite a few sessions of marriage counselling, to find out how to be married as an adult, to another adult.
I'm sorry, I'm trying to think of a "caring" way to say that, but... Ummm.... :}

if you didnt have a child already, your marriage could almost have been "annulled". But I think for the sake of your child, you should be patient.

Thank you techie for your advice.

I agree we both have a lot of growing into marriage to do. And yes we were young when we got married, we were both 19, I got pregnant, and obviously we got married for the wrong reason. I love my H and always have, I married him because I wanted to, and at the time thought he felt the same way, but in the past year have come to learn different.

I never would have told him to come get our son had I known he was going to just send him with his mom. I wanted to talk to him, and knew I could not talk to him with his mom sitting right beside him.

I know it isnt all my H's fault, I set the bar too high I believe most the time. I want, and expect a great marriage. I guess what I am trying to say is that I come from a home where my parents are still as much in love now as they were the day they got married. I grew up with a great "family life." And my problem is that I expect for my marriage to be that great, I want that, and it cant happen over night.

And I probably should have been a little more descriptive in my first post about why we seperated, it was waaaayyy more than just the one incident why we seperated, it was him going to parties and leaving my son and I at home and not coming home, and it all came to a head that night.

A little update, I spoke with him last night over the phone for 30 minutes and he asked me what I wanted to do, I told him what I have always said, I wanted to be married to him, and make this work. Then when I asked him what he wanted he replied that he didnt know. He says he is just confused. I told him that he needs to go by himself, and talk to a pastor, a councelor, someone that is on the outside that can help him sort through everything that is in his head. I told him that they wont tell him what to do, but they are good at helping you get everything on the table so you can sort through them. And I also want to go talk to someone, I want couples counceling but in the past when I have tried to get him to go, he would not, so I really want to talk to someone also.

He has so many people pulling him all these different ways that he doesnt know if he is coming or going at this point. We went on and I told him he needs to ask himself something I asked myself, can I live without him, and of course I can live without him, but do I want to , and no, I want to share everything I can with him. I dont want to wake up and him not be there.

If anyone else has any other advise of something we could do, please let me know.