I've been scanning the forum for awhile in my grief and decided to post in hopes that someone will offer good advice.

I have been married for 2 years, with the WH for 7 in total, no kids fortunately (with all of this crap going on). Finances are good.

We've had troubles our the past year over passion/intimacy...he always wanted that "in love" feeling from the initial euphoric phase, while I'm a realist who is satisfied with a maturing, "best friends" relationship. Over the past few months, he's been staying out late to avoid coming home. I've tried to make changes and be more loving, only to have him withdraw. Our sole marriage counselling session was all the effort he was willing to make.

After a trial separation weekend 2.5 weeks ago, he admitted he was unfaithful. Not once, but twice. I was willing to forgive and move forward as long as he committed to rebuilding our marriage. I should have seen the red flag when he never brought me flowers or tried to make things up to me. He said he wanted to try again over (Canadian) Thanksgiving, only to turn around (after a nice turkey dinner of course) by saying two days later that he's made up his mind and wants to separate. Permanently. He walked out 3 days ago, and is staying elsewhere. I couldn't stand looking at his belongings, so packed everything up and moved it to a friend's house. In confronting him yesterday, apparently he's been too miserable the last year and thought a long time about leaving me but never had the guts because of guilt. He's afraid of spending the next 30 years in a passionless relationship. Well, he's never tried to get it back and denied all my efforts at reconciliation. I'm not sure what he's telling his shrink, but it's only gotten worse after 2 sessions. I suspect he is depressed but in denial.

I can't begin to accept the finality of it all, only 2 weeks after finding out about his infidelity. My family is absolutely devastated, and he's internalized things from his family, who are finding out now from me and are shocked. I've been level-headed in talking about this and have really good relationships with them, so they just wish me the best and have offered their support. Not to mention, but I'm in the middle of switching jobs and the pain is so hard to hide at work right now. I can't begin to imagine coming to grips with being newly separated at the new workplace, and having to deal with the legal aspects of a separation agreement.

How do I set the timetable and regain the decision-making power in this? I feel like all I'm doing is reacting. How do I refuse a divorce? It's been really hard, but I'm trying to come to the realization that he's too pathetic to want back and it's over. Yet, I wish there was still a little bit of hope.

hurt, welcome to MB. Read up on everything on this site not just the message board. Click on the link in my signature line. Get the book "Surviving An Affair" and get yourself into a good plan A mode. Start by looking at yourself and making permanent changes that need to be made. This is not your fault but we all have some cupability in the downfall of our marriages. Your H sounds rather immature but I find most WS's sound that way. Everything he is saying to you is typical "fog talk", so don't take it personal.

Thank you for your response, Faithful Follower. You are perceptive - the WH is extremely immature, and I'm really hoping it's all fog talk. He said he ended the emotional affair with the married co-worker, but wouldn't tell me who she was. I have admitted my role/deficiencies that led to where things are now, and am about to start my own counselling this week. I took my marriage vows seriously, but he can only handle the "for better" part of "for better or for worse." That's just makes my stomach knot up.

It's been so hard...I just can't decide if he's worth the effort. But perhaps I should wait for a couple months and collect myself before doing anything. Heading off tonight to the bookstore to pick up LBMT by Dobson, but perhaps I should get Harley's book too.

hurt, Dobson's book is excellent but Dr. Harley gives you something Dobson does not... a plan to follow. Is there any way to find out the name of the OW? The best way to end an A is through exposure. If she is married the key person to expose to is her husband. Keep reading and posting.

I am so distracted at work...all I can do is read the articles on MB and these boards because they get me through the day. I guess I'll use this thread as a daily (hourly!) survival tool because this is such a difficult ordeal. I hope it might help others to read about the ups and downs of this process.

I cracked after 40 hours of not crying and had a small sob session at my desk. Not really because I miss him, although it's been very hard not getting e-mails or phone calls anymore...he has no interest at all in contacting me. That hurts! Haven't sent a Plan B letter...thinking about drafting one later, but he's gone dark anyways. I'm trying not to call him and sound desperate. What if he doesn't want to come back at all? Found myself looking at people's hands for rings and wishing I could have my old life back. Not coming home to an empty house and a sad looking cat who doesn't know what's happened either.

Today was my first good day. Woke up with the usual knot in the stomach, but I actually slept through the whole night and was grateful for that.

Went on a prof dev course in selling skills, which turned out to be very inspiring. The morning was about personal goal setting and positive attitudes driving behaviour. The instructor said something that really stuck with me, which was "In times of change and adversity, find your potential." I've been repeating that all night and it's been an awakening. Only 18 days have elapsed since I found out about the WH's EA, and it's been 7 days since he walked out, but I am not going to allow myself to sink into despair and self-pity. I thank the Lord for what I learned today and ask Him to help me find the inner strength to move forward.

Life is too short to be unhappy.
This is the time for me to do what I want to do.
I have to find something that I get excited about.
I'm not afraid to do it alone.

This really helped me too (taken from http://www.optimist.org)

The Optimist Creed

Promise Yourself-

To be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind.

To talk health, happiness and prosperity to every person you meet.

To make all your friends feel that there is something in them.

To look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true.

To think only of the best, to work only for the best, and to expect only the best.

To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own.

To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.

To wear a cheerful countenance at all times and give every living creature you meet a smile.

To give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticize others.

To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.

That is great, hurt. Now have you gotten any of the books? Are you reading up and implementing plan A? What can you identify and change in you that may have contributed to the problems in your marriage?

What is going on with your WH? Have you been in touch?

No plan B letter until you are certain you have done a great plan A. Tell me about your plan A.

Thanks Faithful. :-)

I've got SAA on order, should be coming in the next couple weeks. Dobson's book has been helpful for regaining self-respect.

The WH has said that the EA is over, and he is not in contact with the OW. It was already over by the time he told me 3 weeks ago (and walked out promptly thereafter). I'm not sure if Plan A is still applicable here??? However, I've told the SILs about what happened in as diplomatic terms as possible, and they are very sympathetic. One of them told me that he was asking all sorts of questions about how I was doing...but I'm probably reading too much into it.

In the meantime...contact has been minimal. I don't want to call him b/c it just hurts too much and he'll only call me if there's business involved. He sent an e-mail a few days ago inquiring about my health coverage, and I responded with a very upbeat message....now silence. He's probably close to getting an apartment and will call only to collect furniture. Not looking forward to that day!

He's seeing a lawyer for an initial consultation on Tuesday, but said it's for information purposes only. I'm not making any decisions as to division of assets for several months (and he's fine with that), except for an interim separation agreement that settles bills and who pays what if he asks for this to be done up. I've done my best to turn inward and look at how to improve myself, for myself, and am working really hard to become more positive. That's what did my marriage in, because I had appeased so much that my own needs were neglected and he just withdrew.