I'm confused about this - is his low libido connected to repeated trips to strip clubs, lap dances, secretive porn-watching and crusing brothel websites? Or do we have two separate problems?

Since soon after our marriage 2 1/2 years ago, our love life declinded quite a bit - my husband's interest seemed to have diminished and he would get upset if I brought it up (no matter how gently). Then, 18 months ago, I discovered he was looking at brothel websites. He promised I was the only woman for him, the sites didn't mean anything to him, he never planned to go, he loved me, was sorry, etc. We tried to move on.

2 months ago, after love life still hadn't picked up despite couples' counseling, I discovered he had been going to strip clubs for lap dances while on business trips regularly (and lying about it). He was also watching a lot of porn in his hotel rooms. Again, he promised I was the only woman for him, it didn't mean anything to him, he loved me, was sorry, etc. Only this time more emphatically. But re-reading the emails, his words were almost the same both times.

Now we are trying again, did the MB weekend, seeing couples' counselor. The love life seemed to pick up for a short time, but is already flagging again - it seems like a real effort for him. He says that he just doesn't get aroused often. How does that work with the strip clubs, etc. Or is it that he doesnt' get turned on by me?

Of course, my ego is pretty crushed by now. He tells me he thinks I'm beautiful, sexy, but I don't really believe that he believes it. Actions speak louder than words. I also don't know whether to trust that he won't start up some kind of wayward behavior again (maybe worse next time).

Any ideas or advice out there?

yes, you are right. you are not crazy.

He's now programmed himself to respond to those other things, and that is how his sexual desire is triggered now.

Do all you can to make yourself attractive to him in normal fashion (dont go all surgical though!). but beyond that, he MUST stop going to see strip clubs, etc.

he will then need to readjust his own sexual goggles. he needs to choose what will excite him.

it's kind of like the old pavlovian dog training ;-}

After a few months of him not doing that (and you feeding him steak on a regular basis <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> he will be wanting "something". Make sure he gets it from you. Eventually, after a few months of "staying clean" from that other stuff, and associating YOU with sexual gratification instead of those other things, it should get better.

but it wont, unless he goes 100% clean from porn and strip clubs, and unelss it is HIS CHOICE. That he understands that what he has been doing, has been warping his sexual desires away from you.

PS: he needs to stop taking those business trips if at all possible.
also, get yourself checked for STDs, i'm afraid. sounds like he has probably used P.s as well as strip clubs. that "checking brothel websites" is not to be taken lightly, given his other known actions.

PS: I wouldnt say two separate problems. you probably do indeed have two problems. but they are linked, not separate, in my opinion.

Thank you for your response. I think you are right about triggers - sometimes these are deep-seated. He has stopped going to SCs and swears he never went to Ps (I think I belive him). He has curtailed his business travel as well. He's doing what he can.

It's not so easy for me to keep pushing forward, though. I still feel so hurt and deceived and it affects my feelings towards him. Still, I am keeping myself attractive. I get a lot more signals from other men than from him on that front. I will try and foster associations between gratification and me. This is hard as he doesn't seem to like it when I initiate sex - he has some control issues there, I think (hence the outlets like strip clubs and porn, which are not threatening).

I feel so challenged to both try and get past my own anger and pain AND create a loving, romantic, sexy environment at the same time. I guess this is what Plan A is about?

LD,

My experience is that techie is right on...I just wanted to add that these choices (porn) distances instead of builds intimacy. If he will stop his addiction (which it is when it comes before the marriage), he will desire you more...his own distaste and dependency can be running interference in his desire to be intimate as an EN with you...self-distaste does that.

Which would also make sense that this began shortly after you were married...love making is an intimate connection for most men, and if he fears real intimacy, well, when the fear goes up, so does the distancing.

Stick with MC and do IC...both of you would benefit from a lot more intimate talks, affectionate touches and reading all of Harley's material...you are two humans in a human marriage...equal parts and power...get to know your own...how you choose to perceive, your own filter, where your part of the pain and anger is coming from, signalling you and share what you learn with him...not to teach, but to share.

Intimacy is knowing yourself and sharing what you know with your spouse. Radical honesty. It is life's best aphrodisiac.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

You can do this. You are not alone. If he isn't able to kick the porn habit by himself, there are groups and support out there...and a place to learn more about what this means (not the surface of it) for you, too, is www.recoverynation.com.

LA

is he a Christian?

If so, there are some excellent resources.

Thank you everyone for your advice and support!

Last night I suggested we try an exercise in sensuality that our counselor gave us a while ago (that we hadn't done). It was great! He loved it. I don't think he had really explored that much before.

One good step towards associating me with the good stuff (particularly in a way that just would never apply to SCs).

I had to get past the feelings of anger and hurt that I'd been having all day but, with your help, I was able to and it was worth it!

Again, thank you. Here's hoping we can keep this going!