I have now seen two threads where posters decided to use disgusting language to refer to WS.

We all have better vocabularies than this. We are here as Dr. Bill's guests. He is VERY direct and would never call anyone a Ho etc. So why are posters on here allowed to do so?

We invite our WS to come here, they read the thread and see their BS, who says they love them, partaking in a thread that has vile language describing the WS and BS is not even defending them.

They do not understad that a desperate BS is a captive audiece who is wary of offending those who help them. Why would they ever think MB was valid when they see such behaviour.

I know they do not see Plan B as "saving" the marriage and they HATE exposure, so we already have these sitches to deal with. I think if BS is saying they love them and are not supposed to DJ, Then why is it the Mods allow others to do so in low language.

It can only damage their and other visitors' opinion of MB. Would we stand in Dr. Bill's house and talk this way in front of his newer guests? Of course we wouldn't.

He does not use that kind of language? I think we should not.

SP

SP
Escalate examples to the mods.

You will never prevent people at their emotional nadir using heartfelt nouns and adjectives about the people they believe have caused their hurt. NEVER

Like me you must have seen posts like yours surface every quarter or so.

You will never change how some BS express their devastation. And IMO nor should we.

So escalate the posts you find offensive to the mods and recognise that this is a board for broken people who do not feel or express respect for those who they blame for hurting them.

I don't necessarily disagree with your sentiment but I do want to make one thing perfectly clear. I will stand in anybody's house - including Dr. Harley's or even yours - and tell the truth as I see it. I will not bite my tongue for protocol. I may make a polite exit after I say my piece and thank you for the gracious invitation of having invited me but truth is truth. As for disrespectful language, I do my best to avoid it anyway but I will never allow myself to be called a hypocrite in the name of good manners. Nobody is that important to me and I've never been accused of having good manners anyway.

Now if you will excuse me, thank you for allowing me to say my mind and I will be leaving now.

Is an OP a harlot, prostitute a ho or something worse? Yes and more. Is it offensive to describe a person in those words? Yes. So why have them in our vocabulary? Because in some cases it is a fitting description.

They are not nice words neither are what those OPs are doing. Now how and when we use those vulgarly descriptive terms is where the temperment comes in.

Let's give a real life example. MInd you I had to hear it without the 'edit'.

OW: Hello.

BS: May I please speak to S_______? (OW's real 1st name)

OW: She's not here. She's at work.

BS: Really? Who are you?

OW: She's not here. She's at work?

BS: Are you her roommate? Didn't know she had a roommate. (by then I knew it was the OW).

OW: Yes.

BS: Oh, well tell Mrs. H (see I knew her last name also) that Mrs. WS called.

OW: 'eff ewe'

BS: (very shocked and slightly perplexed). Really?

OW: 'eff ewe'

BS" Um.... I'm not sure you know what that really means, because if you do, you would know I can't do that to you nor would I want to.

OW: 'eff ewe'

BS: hm.....is that all you know how to say? I guess English isn't your 1st language. Can you please give your ROOMMATE my message?

OW: slams the phone down.

Now that was before I found MB. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> I am not sure what possessed me to speak to her like that. I was scared, angry, in shock and frustrated all rolled into one. In my case when I get stressed, I do a complete about face and throw a curve ball. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> I didn't realize my full potential until I had to deal with this A crap.

The other time is when she called my H's phone, I answered and she called me a Bee- itch. I had the unedited expletive!. I reminded her I was not one of 'those' but she possibly was. Oh...by then my RB was pretty good. I was less angry and less shocked. More ready to rumble the A world. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

So will there be times when a OP truly lives up to the meaning of those horrible names? Yes. When they do, it is appropriate to describe them as such and they had better like it because they are CHOOSING to deserve that title.

Btw, if an OPs that title and turns around, then it is not appropriate to continue to call them as such. In our case, the OW still derserves the name: PBR (Pyscho Babble Rabbit), she has not proved to be anything else.

JMHO,
L.

I think often that disgusting language is the best language to describe disgusting BEHAVIOR and can be very appropriate. What attracted me to this forum was that the prople here did not mince words or beat around the bush. I desperately needed to hear the truth about this injustice, not weasel words and glad handing.

I know that some cringe when they are exposed to BadSpeakTruthTalk, but I suspect this is a personal problem for them to deal with since they feel the WORDS used to describe disgusting behavior is somehow WORSE than the disgusting behavior itself. That is very dysfunctional because it takes the onus off the act and deflects attention.

Straightforward language is very important in honest communication and I often use it myself and don't intend to stop. If someone is acting like a HO, I often don't hesitate to say it.

That doesn't mean I am telling a BS to go home and call his wife a slut or a ho. Nor is it possible to lovebust by PROXY since the WS in question is not even here. Let's try and keep some perspective about lovebusters, we are not in love with other folks WS' here so the level of their lovebank is irrelevant to the issue.

And lastly, if you feel that someone is not behaving to your standards, I would suggest reporting them to the mods. They are really the only behavior cops on this forum who can do anything about that.

This question should be addresseed to the MOD, not the forum. Here is his address: justuss2@aol.com

IT is their actions that define them.... not our words. The words are merely calling a duck... by its true name. Now, if a person wishes to stop acting that way and put "former" in their title... that is a whole different story. Then it is a person that made a mistake and has changed. And funny thing is... there have been many a FWS here that attributed their OWN behavior in the past as being a "ho."

EXACTLY!

And when a wayward is acting in an idiotic, irrational manner, I'm not gonna pull punches and say "silly!" It's not "silly"...it's "idiocy!"

Hah, right on time. A thread on language and/or thought policing always shows up around here like clockwork.

Listen everyone. Make no mistake. FWW’s OM is a cad, a scoundrel, a player, a rotten guy, a louse, a rat, a good-for-nothing parasite, a liar, a cheater, a rascal, a scalawag, a rogue, a bounder, a narcissist, a hypocrite and (surprise) a serial adulterer.

But it sure saves me keystrokes to call him dirt bag, or [censored].

Because he is.

Thank you everybody for your feed back. I would like to clarify - I am not talking about the BS using vulgar language - that is fair game so to speak. They are the hurt ones and in the marriage.

What I am having trouble grasping, is why it is OK for other posters to refer to the WW in these terms when the BS has not done so. Shouldn't we have the manners to follow the approach of the BS and allow them to set the example?

This is the problem, the BS shares everything - exposes, plan A/B. It is all there enough to make a WS mad as heck. But when that spouse has not used vulger language and has promised that WS that they love them and will do anything to fix the marriage, invites the WS to the board and the first thing they WS sees is OTHER posters using vulgar terms their BS has not.

It just doesn't make sense. I have no problem with the telling of the truth anywhere, using words like adulterer, liar, etc. but profanity toward another's spouse on MB when the BS has not expressed themselves on the forum with that kind of language?

Oh well I had my say - thanks for allowing me the space. I will refer it to the mods as well as posting it here.

SP

"has promised that WS that they love them and will do anything to fix the marriage ..."

This, in bold, is a much worse error than calling a spade a spade, in any French dialect.

One of the more important functions MB has is dispelling this error in terrified BS thinking. No BS I have yet come across is worth so little.

2x4, vulgar language, 4x8, 6x12 or a shaking by the virtual lapels – whatever it takes to get the BS to see the Un-adulterated Truth: No marriage is worth losing your soul.

Why is it ok to try and dictate the speech of other adults to suit your own personal standards, silverpool? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> I think it is the height of bad manners to try and dictate the speech of others unless you are the mod. Not only is it bad manners, but is an exercise in futility that can only result in frustration. No matter how hard you try ya can't control others. You can ONLY control yourself.

Please leave the behavior policing to the mods, sp, that is their job.

I don't have any problem calling a spade a spade! If that spade is an a$$, then that is what they get. Now, I expect that any BS who feels that someone is out of line on their thread is adult enough to say so. I, personally, do not label others' spouses with anything except Wayward or not, but I could give two hoots what others say.

You know what, you can call my WH any name in the book, because I don't know who he is. Now, if I saw real glimpses of my H and he decided to go on to the uphill battle of recovery with me, you'd be damned sure that I would defend him, but I think people only respond to the BS's mood. I don't see anyone calling a non-deserving person a HO!! Again, that kind of policing is up to the thread-bearer.

OK Got it - mind my own business - well I guess I will. I thought we could all have opinions and share them.

I stand corrected.

SP

Silver, I think I understand where you are coming from.

While I do agree with the other posters who say there's nothing wrong with calling a spade a spade and not sugar-coating the behaviour of an active WS, I do see your point about not getting carried away with trashing the WS of a BS who is posting here and doing their very best to save things.

Somebody has to be the grownup and the civilized one here. So, again, don't pull any punches about the behaviour but don't get carried away, either.

Does that about cover it?
Mulan

I think you are missing the point here.

You have your opinion and you shared it. All good.

But there are some who do not agree.

Can you be OK with that?

I am.

Silverpool:

I can come to your defense. I can see your point. You have asked if MB'ers could follow the lead of the BS. If the BS is being respectful of thier WS in their post, that the other MB'ers do so. That's a fair and reasonable request. I do not believe you were calling for censorship. Just a little internal policing of what people post. Might not happen, but that is one of the great things about this BB. I can 2x4 as well as the next guy. I am the WS, and I deserved to be called the names that my actions represented. SAVING keystrokes is important, and the funniest names are usually pretty short, and you do not have to use the shift key to say !#&(%#$, <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> for example.

Maybe one of the posts just struck you wrong today. Tommorrow you could read the same post and not even notice the language. Or maybe some words just strike you as more offensive than others. Calling a spade a spade is needed, and we can lose some of the nuance if we just call it a spade. Sometimes its a D Handle Garden Spade, for example. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Also, we have to be careful about the words we do use. The filters may not allow access to this site for some people who need to use it if it gets to cluttered with actual four letter and/or specific other words.

IMHO

Silverpool,

What I said above, I mean, but I believe that in my muddled expression, I did convey that I would not bash a BS's WS myself, but I DO understand it. I agree that we, ourselves, should not take liberties to trash others or their spouses here. We are here for support, but I fully expect a good 2x4, language included, to pull my head out of me [censored] when I need it.

Silverpool maybe you can show us the specific posts that are troubling you.

Personally, I don't think I have seen a repentant WS trying to work on their marriage get called bad words.

We all have different posting styles. As has been pointed out, threads like this one come up every few months. Trying to dictate posting styles to other posters is totally futile.

Those on this forum are not aware the WS came to the forum and read it - I cannot give particulars without breaching confidentiality. I saw the post some time ago and had seen one like it on another thread before. This time I saw the result of the WS coming to the MB at last, only to see the BS supporters calling them nasty names that the BS didn't. I thought about it for a while and then decided it was a valid point toi bring up.

It didn't happen today. I was just trying to make a point for us to consider, something I have never seen put forward about our posting styles/ethics before.

That is why I had a question - What are we thinking? I guess I found out - but if it helps one person think before calling someone else's WS vulgar names, when the BS doesn't, then it was worth it.

Doesn't really matter that much, I got my answer and a point was made. Thanks to all those who considered this and replied, thanks to all those who considered this and didn't reply.

We are a verb, life is a verb, as is love

SP