SP,

I understand your POV and respect it. Reality has it that BS', WS', Xws' families, friends, those with no A history, children, grandchildren, relatives, neighbors, OPs (OM/OWs), counselors, doctors, etc..... even lawyers will visit this site.

If you want to really see stupid postings, you should have been here when last few waves of OWs posted here. Not many OM's posted here but there have been some. The one's who can't hold their tongue nor their fingers are those pesky OWs from the TOW site who think they got rights to post here. They do until they break the posting rules and get banned. Which several have been banned, several times.

The point here is that MB is a learning and in some cases a venting place for the BS. It is primarily for the BS. When a WS or OP wanders in here, they should realize this place will NEVER be willing supporters of any A.

To be described as horribly as it sounds is mild in comparison to what the BS and family have had to endure. If the worse thing is to find out what people really think of a WS or OP, that's not a bad thing. In fact, it is better they know so they can have the opportunity to fix it then to continue giving people something to talk about.

Funny how the WS and OP claim they don't want t/b the butt of gossip but that's all they do, give us something to gossip about!?!?!? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> Stupid A players <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

With a WS, their definition of DJ is warped. So don't use their definition of a DJ or RH to mislead you.

When a WS reads, here they will see some strong stuff. They should. I saw on Dr. Phil tonight of a woman who refused to stand up for herself while a waiter gave her bad service. Instead she compartimentalized (sp???) her anguish. Even to the point of saying that his bad service could eventually lead to his firing and killing himself. Yes, she was upset but refused t/d anything about it and look where it took her? For a BS to internalize those feelings (which often happens) is dangerous. Reading and posting here @ MB offers the BS the opportunity to vent as needed. Sometimes others help the BS learn to vent.

JMHO....again, hope you don't mind. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

I have a slightly different take on this.....and it's personal, not meant to change anyone, and I certainly do understand the whole "concept" of calling a spade a spade. However, here's where my views diverge a bit. I don't think that it's necessary to be vulgar in order to be honest. I can call a spade a spade....in fact....with much MORE clarity than simply using an expletive or vulgar name. Yes, it is the ACT that is vulgar....and yet, I need not adopt that vulgarity....even in my vocabulary... to recognize the travesty and tragedy produced by that act. I loved what Aphelion said:


heheheheheh....Look at how many ways there were to tell "the truth". And yes, it's easier (and funnier! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />) sometimes to just use the vulgar equivalents....but yanno...there is a little part of me that believes that when I do....I've internalized a piece of what I hate. I don't need those words to tell the truth....and for my *own* self....I would feel cheap and ignorant for using them when I have a much classier arsenal of suitably honest phrases to use instead. I hate the filth of adultery....and I have no intention of letting it rub off on me and reduce me to a trash mouth....the adultery felt dirty enough....made my skin crawl....these vocab words trigger the same feelings *for me*.

Adultery is a reflection of the character of the adulterers. But I believe my vocabulary is a reflection of my own character. Hatespeak is hatespeak, and cloaking that in "honesty" is just a bunch of malarky.

Having said all that....I have a soft place for BSs still deep in pain who blurt these things out.

SF! You get it! :-)

That is all I meant. I too, feel huge empathy for the upset BS and understand that they need to "get it out!"

My concern is for the BS who goes from what seems to be a quieter patch, where they can do some building and then the WS reads the board and the language there, and in their mind, transfers to the BS who didn't use it.

And wot u said about keeping you clean ....

Linda

Silverpool...

Totally understand where you're coming from. I've raised this same concern MANY times on this forum, but it's all to no avail.

The posters who wrote what you felt might be offensive see nothing wrong in posting in that manner, and have no desire to change the way they post.

The moderators apparently agree that this is acceptable as well, because despite numerous emails and posts in this same vein by myself and others, this continues today as you've noted.

Like you've already heard...this issue is raised on a regular basis, but all that happens is a thread escalates into a shouting match over "posting etiquette", and is locked by the moderators.

All you can do is to try to post in the way that YOU feel is the best, and hope that people who come here seeking help aren't driven away by other methods of posting.

Just don't feel like you're the only one who feels the way you do.

Thank you - I had seen your attempts to raise this before, and saw the commotion it caused. So I was just asking - what are we thinking, as in why is this alright? I have my answer - for many it is OK by them.

I remain of the opinion that if it hurts someones precious moment, when the WS agrees to come to the list and step out of the fog for a moment (and those first out of the fog moments are precious and far between) if it falters a WS in their steps to wholeness - then some of us worry and wish it didn't happen and others think they (WS) deserve to see it and are responsible for the crushing blow to the BS, their reaction often causes..

That is what "we" are thinking - and everything in between - case closed.

I wish Dr. Bill cared enough to do something, maybe when I get back I will become famous by bringing this up on the radio, or infamous - LOL. I have broad shoulders - they have to be to carry me through this.

Linda

Owl: This speaks volumes don't you think?

Hello everyone,

I would like to offer yet one more VERY PERSONAL opinion here. This is something that unfortunately has recently happened to me. My W has filed for a D just after she looked at my post for the first time. On my post people were helping me with preparing for a plan B as per SH. All of this was a culmination of 2.5 years of my participating on MB in the largest effort of my life all to try and SAVE my M and to create an atmosphere where my W and I could possibly choose to make our M great together.

I do know and appreciate the posters (all of them) and understand that they all were trying to help me as they have for 2.5 years. After a period of time during the 2.5 years, I stopped trying to defend against EVERY negative word that was written and would just ignore the names and hurt this would cause because I was not here to win a word game, but to put what energy I had left towards my M and believe me, as SH would tell all of you, my energy was at a premium.

I do feel a little let down by MB because of the unfortunate events for me and how they specifically unfolded. I wish my W would have taken me up early on to look at this site and post her equally valid POV. I believe this would have caused ALL of my posts to stay a lot more grounded and most likely would have given off a little more warmer understanding to W as to what MB is REALLY about.

I am not saying or blaming MB or specific posters for causing where my M is right now. I am not foolish enough to lay claim to something like this and take responsibilities for my own role in my M's difficulties. However, I do feel that it is a VERY sad day for MB when actual posters are coming out and saying that something on the MB threads is NEGATIVELY impacting their M and NOTHING is done about it.

I have invested 2.5 years of my life in MB. I have purchased almost all of the books. I have paid for SH to counsel me for a ton of sessions. I have written on this board a lot. Now, I say that I do feel that I have had a NEGATIVE impact (without arguing just how much this negative impact has hurt my M) on my M.

I compassionately emplore EVERY poster, ALL moderators and the Harleys to protect the vulnerable people who come here for help and actually recieve a NEGATIVE impact. This is not what I believed in with regards to MB and I would venture to guess if you truely cornered each and every individual poster on this site, they would ultimately agree with believe that MB's mantra is to actually save Ms, and not passify a hurt and emotional spouse risking complete devestation of this spouse's counterpart.

No matter what a person's spouse has done, the only reason a hurt spouse would even bother to post here is for the sole purpose of trying to make things work with their spouse. This being the case, I am now trying to DEFEND ALL SPOUSES by my posting what I have just posted, since I fell short on my own post and did not take the time to avidly defend my own spouse on my own post each and every time someone stepped outside the "being courteous" zone. For this grevious error on my part, I will now be paying for this emotionally for quite a long time. I am not asking for ANYONE to feel specifically sorry for me.

My burden will be worth it if it helps one person on this board to not go through what I did and for their spouse to actually read their thread at anytime and get a warm feeling towards MB.

I wish you all happiness and above all kindness.

EL