I have been following the forum for months. But this is my first post. It has been a slow painful process since my wife left with the OW 5 months ago but in the last 3 months using PLan A she has gone for no hope to stuck choosing between us and has hope for a future with me. She is still in the fog and a fence sitting cake eater.

My journey began in the last few years as I sabatoged my life and negelected my wife, family, health, and business. I carried a lot of guilt and when she left she encouraged me to get help which lead to a diagnoses of bipolar. She did save my life by leaving. It was difficult to accept biploar, it stole our love but I was responsible too. Since that time I have put my life back together: lost 50lbs., gained new business and have dramtically improved my life that she cannot deny the changes.

Three months ago,I implemented plan A and have been the best husband with a few slip ups. My question is how much is my action been enbaling the A and creating a fantasy life? She lives with OW and he works sometime, my wife loves fun and enjoys the no responsibilties. She hasn't had to deal with selling the house, raising the kids, taking care of the animals and I even ran her business for 7 weeks so it wouldn't fail. She had nothing but a life of carefree worries and instant fun...fishing, horseback riding etc. By taking care of everything in her life haven't I just made their relationship better and created a fantsy life? Should I shift responsibilties to her or just hang tough to hope she realizes this?

Thanks

Just document. That way she can't waltz in and take your children from you. And prepare for Plan B.

Have you studied Plan A and Plan B? Have you exposed the facts about the affair to people who have influence on her to help end the fantasy? Her parents? His parents? His wife? Her minister? His minister? etc.?

You certainly sound enabling. What have you done to break up the affair? IMO, a BH will always lose a tug-of-war with OM. It isn't a fair fight exactly for the reasons you have already mentioned in your post.

Thanks for your comments. I have exposed the A, he is divorced, her mother is rooting for me but is neutral to her daughter.

I told her of the pain to end the A and asked her on occassions. She has talked to Steve and is fearful of returning to past life, I need to help her see what that life is like and build trust.

Enabler...

Are you giving her money and financing the affair? Have your children been told about her affair? Are your children protected from the OM?

She left the marriage for a trial seperation nothing legal yet. Then fall in love with a friend. For the past 3 months I had her do the emotional needs questionairre and have focused on meeting her needs. Her "hubby" works out of town so when away I have focused on rec activies, affection, conversation and other needs. It has made a diff and a few times she came out of the fog to say I choose you only to go back into the fog. We have been highschool sweethearts for 25 yrs, been apart early in relation for 5 years and married 11 years. She knows I am true love and wish stage of romantic love would fade so she can decide better. Also she has ADD so new experinces stimulate her mind and create more fog...not on meds. I have asked her to help get the house ready to sell she's agreed but done little. We decided to sell the house since the market is at apeak and if we D we would max profits to split if stay married we could move far away to start new life. Kids are with me and protected and she sees them sometime. Finaces are still joint since no split and she's been fiscally responsible. Her beau is paying most of her costs and providing lving space.

Once, I would suggest taking the money out of the joint account and taking her off all your CC's. Her having access to your accounts could be a huge problem. It will also put the OM in a position to meet her expenses, which will cause conflict in the affair.

Who is this OM? What does he do for a living? Have you exposed the affair to his family? His children, if any?

Plan A also includes NEGOTIATING an end to the A, talking to her without LBing about developing a PLAN to end it which includes a NC LETTER, etc. This needs to be made VERY CLEAR to her..that you want to work on your marriage and in order to do that SHE MUST END THE AFFAIR. I think it is ENABLING when this is not made CLEAR during PLAN A. This sets the stage for PLAN B. She will be knowledgeable of the CONDITIONS necessary for reconciliation.

It's hard I know. My FWH also spent some time living with the OP.

His kids are only 5 and 3 yrs old. He is a truckdriver. Her having access to the accts hasn't been a problem in the past 5 months. In fact our costs have dropped because he is meeting most of her finaiial affairs. If I do cut off financially what about the jt line of credit?, we could only qualify with combined income. You need to understand right from the beginning or split wasn't typical with anger and hate. It's been very amible. I thought a NC letter was only for when Plan B was ready to implement. My conselling with Steve suggest no plan b, it will just leave her with only bad memories of the past and Plan A is working still at least 3 months to go. She has agreed with Steve to work on a plan to see if we have a future, to see what it looks like and how we can work together. I was advised not to get her to commit but to learn. She needs trust to take the leap not blind faith, needs to understand what's possible.

I wholeheartedly agree with your need to continue with PLAN A. However, a NC LETTER is absolutely necessary to end the A. Do you have a copy of SURVIVING AN AFFAIR? It speaks to how an A should end and also spells out about PLAN A and the process of NEGOTIATION. If you have to go to PLAN B, you will CONTINUE in your request for a NC LETTER.

So WHY did you SPLIT? Were you agreeable to the SPLIT at the time or did she decide to leave? I did not assume, though, that it was NOT amicable. WSes PREFER for it to amicable so that can feel comfortable..less guilty..about their wrongdoing.



This sounds SUPER...like you are DOING GREAT... with your PLAN A. So what makes you think that you are being an ENABLER ?

I just feel I am enabling by remove all the responsibilites in her life so her current A is more a fantasy than reality. No, I don't have a copy of SURVIVING AN AFFAIR. Where can I get one?

She did decide to leave. The years of a loveless marriage built there toil no matter how much she showed her dismay. I ignored her pleas. Part of it was bipolar I isolated myself from everyone no friend contact, hadn't talked to sister for 3 years, just went downstairs and hid from world went into cyberspace. Also manic side of bipolar is racing thoughts, tons of inactionable ideas and poor sleep. It drove my wife nuts with my ideas and going to sleep at 3 AM> Bipolar destroys a lot of lives and ends 90% of all marriages. I am determined to be the 10%!!!