Ok Dont really know where to start, So I guess I will start from the beginning,
HI everyone, I am 30 years old married for 3 years to a great husband been together for 11 years.. We have 3 wonderfull kids ages, daughter 11 son 9 & son 8.. I am a stay at home mom.. Ok done with the introduction,
I almost had an affair in April of this year, We came very close, but nothing happened..His wife found out thru an e-mail & confronted me about it, I was honest with her & I told my husband the same day.We did the no contact agreement in person & by e-mail. I know I messed up big time,& I will pay for it the rest of my life..I am just so lost right now I know this is 100% my fault, I have tried figuring out why I did it & I cant, I dont feel like the same person anymore, I am disgusted with my self, & I dont even know who I am anymore, I get it thrown up in my face everyday & I know I deserve it. I just dont know if I can live with it anymore,I get mad at him for bringing it up,I get mad at him for looking over my shoulder with everything I do, if I talk to my parents he takes the phone from me to see if it is really them,Gets in the phone conversations, no matter who it is. I just dont know what to do.. I dont have it in me to fight for this marraige anymore, He keeps telling me I am not trying & the truth is I dont know how to anymore, I would rather talk to a complete stranger tham talk to him about anything.. Is this normal ???
Or am I being tottally selfish??

Totally selfish!

You need to read everything ehre along with Surviving an Affair, His Needs Her Needs, Love Busters, and probably "Not Just Friends" by Dr.Shirley Glass.

You should try to find out why you did this, be completely honest and open, transparent. He doesn't trust you right now and rightly so.

Can he overcome this? Yes Can you? Yes if you apply the MB principles and work very ahrd at earning your husbands trust again.

What caused you to throw away your morals, values, integrity, and pretty much everything else you once stood for?

Please get started reading and understanding.

God Bless and Good Luck!

I have read everything there is to read & I still cant figure anything out, Im telling you I am completly lost, I dont know what I want out of life, our realtionship, anything, Now I am even more confused than I was before, Me & the OM used to talk daily & I miss him is this normal It has been a month since I have talked to him & I miss him fro some reason, I dont know if it is becasue I never got the closure or what but it is drving me crazy... The no contact thing was his wifes idea & she was there...We never actually said goodbye, I dontknow why I am feeling this way all the sudden again I am just so lost............ & so aggravated with myself I dont know what to do...

Dear FL, I am a FWW and what you're feeling is totally normal. You don't need closure, what you need is to respect the fact that YOU put your BH in the position to not be able to trust you- for a good long while. He has every right to look over your shoulder and question your activities! Wouldn't you if the shoe was on the other foot?? Of course you would.

You are going through withdrawl, and it sucks and it takes awhile.

You should both take Eagle15's advice- he has helped me a great deal- and read the books he recommends. your BH shouldnt' throw it up in your face, but he's only human and it will get better. But you both need to work on your marriage, and you will find the reasons why you did this.

It will get better.

feellost,
Sorry your circumstances find you here... but welcome to MB. The advice you have been given is good and should be heeded.
Good luck as you restore your marriage,
Heartsore

Feellost - It's called withdrawal and it sucks. Do not surcombe to the temptation to get closure or contact OM again. Read the infidelity FAQ's in my signature. Get Surviving an affair. See if you can get your betrayed husband here - yes that's right betrayed husband. We can help him and you through this.

Maintain NC with OM and it gets a lot better. You are only 1 month into NC - expect another month of feeling like this then it will get better. If you break NC, well, the 8 weeks starts all over again - that is why iy is vital for you to maintain NC.

Dear Feellost,

Welcome to this website. You’ve found the right place for help & advice.

I’m a FWW who was involved in online EA (Emotional Affair) and I can confirm that what you’re feeling right now is indeed very normal.

Please read the “Withdrawal Guide” in my signature line (just click on the link) and also read all the other links in that thread (at the bottom of the first post). Specifically pay attention to the threads “What the WS/BS must do to reconcile” and “How the wayward gets wayward”. This last link will give you a lot of insight into yourself; your own behavior at the time etc.

The following thread will help you on your recovery journey (just click on the link):

A Recovery Guide for Wayward Wives

The book “NOT Just Friends” by Shirley Glass (as already recommended to you earlier) is a MUST read, but in the meantime you will find THIS THREAD (just click on the link) on emotional infidelity very helpful and insightful. This thread also contains some information of Shirley Glasse’s research and insight on this topic and also a link to a very insightful thread named “15 steps of unfaithfulness”.

Keep posting.

feellost, your affair has JUST ENDED so it would be unrealistic to expect your husband to trust you. Trust has to be earned. It will take a lot of very hard work on your part to rebuild trust. What kind of things are you doing to rebuild the trust you destroyed? Have you opened up your life to him? Does he have access to your cell phone and computer? Have you answered all his questions about your affair?

If you go out of your way to PROVE to him you have ended your affair and can be trusted, he will learn to trust you again.

But that will not happen soon. An affair is a very traumatic blow that takes months and years from which to recover. You have DEVASTATED your husband and it will take a lot of hard work to help him recover. But the harder you try, the faster your husband can recover from this blow.

I am so glad that you did the "right thing". This act has greatly improved your chances at recovery / reconsilliation.

It is my belief that the act of infidelity is not what does the greatest damage to the M. It is the lying / covering up afterward that does the greatest damage, To yourself and your betrayed spouse.

With that said: Here are a few things that can help you and your spouse.

1. You must be totally honest with your spouse about everything
2. You must answer every question that he ask truthfully and fully.
3. You must do everything in your power to prove to him that he is the one that you want to be with.
4. You must prove your love to him ... You must be patient, gentle, compassionate and understanding.
5. You must feel his pain.
6. You must fully understand the devastation that You caused him.
7. You must accept full responsibility for your actions.
8. You must stop all contact with OP and not try to protect them.
9. You must reassure him that it is OK to ask questions.
10. You must reassure him that he will not drive you away by doing the things that are necessary to heal.
11. You must recognize when he's struggling or experiencing a trigger and comfort him.
12. You must be able to tell him how sorry You are and show him.
13. You must re-enforce to him, that he is not responsible.
14. You must put your own feelings of guilt and shame aside and help him heal first.
15. You must reconnect emotionally, mentally, and physically with him and stay connected.
16. You must work on rebuilding trust. No secrets. No privacy.
17. You must be willing to seek counseling.

Here is a list of things that he must do:

1. Give you the necessary time to prove your love and commitment to him.
2. Be open with his feelings.
3. Ask the questions that are important to him.
4. Don't be afraid that he will drive you away while you are trying to heal.
5. Stop blaming himself for your actions. He is in no way responsible for your choice to engage in an affair!
6. He must be able to let you connect with him. (this one takes time)
7. He must continue checking up on you in order to let her rebuild trust.
8. He must be willing to seek counseling so that he does not get stuck in one of the stages of recovery: such as anger or depression.

These are just a few of the things that I have thought of off the top of my head. With these things in place, then reconciliation can be successful. It is still a long journey, but with baby steps it can be achieved.


Stay Strong!

If you can, encourage your BS to post here. We can help him with this difficult journey!

I know the trust will have to be earned back & it will be a long time before it is, he does have access to my cell phone computer, phopne calls, everything, I am not allowed to go out unless he is with me.. I understand why completly. I know I betrayed him & I hate myself for it, I never thought I had it in me to hurt any one. I have assured him it will not happen agian over & over & I will continue to do so....

feel, what do you mean "you are not allowed to go out?" You are a grown woman and don't need anyone's permission. Do you mean that this is something you agreed to do so he would feel safer? Isn't that what you want to do?


You get mad at him for bringing it up? fl, how is he supposed to recover from this if he can't talk about it? Do you think its fair to tell him to shut up just because you don't like to hear it? That is not fair to mistreat him for his natural reaction to your affair and it is very disrespectful to tell him to shut up about it.

An affair is as traumatic as a RAPE. A woman who is raped is not going to just "get over it" and shut up in one month. It takes months and years to get over being assaulted. Please have a little sympathy for your husband. He did not volunteer for this, after all.

No it was not a mutal agreement I was pretty much told I was not allowed to leave the house with out him, I have not gone anywhere with out him & dont plan on it untill he is ok with it.. I dont know why I get mad at him for bringing it up, I try not to, & YES I understand he needs to talk about it, & I do talk to him about it as well, I guess its the way he brings it up at certain times. I have NEVER told him to shut up... I do have alot of sympathy for him I know he did not deserve this at all, I am trying to understand & do what he needs I have done everything he has asked out of me & will continue to do so untill he can trust me again,I am trying my hardest to help him with everything & I am losing my self in the process, Which I guess is a normal thing to do...

fl, I would stop getting mad at him when he brings it up. This is how he recovers from your affair and if you abuse him for trying to recover, you will be dealing with this for a very long time. I know you probably never said the WORDS "shut up," but the message is exactly that.

If you go out of your way to show him contrition, remorse and WILLFUL cooperation, he will recover faster. But if you begrudge every little thing and play defense witness, then you set yourself up for a life of he11, fl.

It would help you both enormously if you became PROACTIVE in his recovery becuase then he could relax. Commit yourself to the list that walkingthefield posted and show it to your H. Ask him what he needs from you in order to help him recover. This will make life much easier on you.



That is probably a good idea because it will help him heal faster. But you are "allowed" to do whatever you choose, because you don't need permission in the first place. "Allowed" is a word for little girls, not grown women. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />