Didja know I luv ya, AD?? SO, these two women (AD and tigger) are wonderful examples of doing the right thing for their M and therefor for ALL their children, OC included.

SO, you cannot begin to fathom the depth of pain for the BS when an OC is added to the betrayal. While you are praying about this, give God thanks you are NOT dealing with this.

Whatdo~~

Another thing to remember is-- there is NO perfect solution in situations as yours, but I believe there is always a BEST solution. Give it some time, reflection, and some prayers too if you do that. Don't make any rash decisions. I believe in time you will come to the best solution for you, your W, M and family which includes both of your children.

Let OM figure things out on his end as to what he wants to do. He's a big boy.

Just trying to drive a point home to SO...I think he would fall over in disbelief if he realized just how many men would be only too happy to have no parental rights to the OC they produced. He's feeling sorry for OM's when most OM's are doing the happy dance at getting out of parental responsibility.

But SO... I do understand where you're coming from because your POV on fatherhood and responsibility is much different than the men I'm speaking about.

And FF... I miss you!!

What...

You will find no greater resource in the situation you are finding your wife in than AD and Tigger. It is important to value the input of those who have lived through this.

Do not cloud your mind with anything or any thought that does not hold your family's best interest true.

You have found a place where people truly care here and you are in my prayers.

Eibrab

Thanks for clearing alot up for me.

*smiles*

Well talked to the wife and the outcome was not promising at all! She wants to get divorced so that the child can have the OM's last name....she doesn't want to hurt him or do him wrong in any way?? I don't know if she sees the hurt that I have been thru or what our son has and is going to go thru as ok, but who knows....I guess this is it...she said she still wants to be together after the divorce but it just doesn't make sense at all....maybe the love she said that was so strong for me isn't as strong as she says...to me my family and the ones I love come first not someone who was a fling...yes I am hurt right now....don't know how long I can be alone...it's not that fun having thanksgiving, x-mas, and every day (for that matter) spent by yourself....I'm a good man, a faithful husband and a loving father....they say everything happens for a reason...I'd like to know who the ****** planned my life out so that I could kick their a$$!! Why do I have to chose between my life or my son's....call me a baby but it just isn't fair.

Wow.....Im soooo sorry whatdoiwant. I offer you my sincere apologies for anything I said that seemed like I was defending OM. I wasnt.....I just wanted to know the facts on a few things like visitation and all that. Your W sounds like a huge cake eater want to be.....she wants a divorce, but still act like yall are together??? WTF? Anyhow, get you a lawyer fast!!! Hang in there buddy, like you said, things happen for a reason. Maybe its in your best interest to move on.....maybe.

WDIW, she is so fogged up she can't see the truth. See if you can make a deal with her. Ask her for the sake of your son to go total NC with the OM for 4 weeks. If she can make it 4 weeks, I suspect the fog will begin to subside. Stick around, we can still help you with your personal recovery even if your M does not survive.

Oh, do NOT agree to anything with her. If she wants a D, she needs to do all the work. If she wants contact with OM, then she needs to move out and you fight for custody for your son. Do not roll over, your son needs YOU.

She doesnt want to hurt HIM???? What about you and your son??? That is total lunacy.......

WDIW, have you read any of the site concepts yet? Have you gotten yourself into plan A? Click on the link in my sig line. Get yourself educated and go to war for your marriage!

Whatdoiwant,

Please email me at the email address listed below in my signature line. I've got some information to share with you that can't be posted herein.

Your WW is still very foggy. Don't give up...yet. Just know that regardless of what happens YOU will be make it. Foggy spouses either wake up or they do not....it's still too early to tell. I'm not saying to lay out the ultimatum today or anything but eventually she'll need to realize she has a choice, OM or YOU, the marriage and family. There is NO way that divorcing, OC taking OM's last name, living together and enduring this mixed up family is going to work at all. Unfortunately, you can't teach her this...SHE needs to come to this realization herself and eventually choose.

I know it seems impossibly hopeless right now but we've all been there and these situations OFTEN get worked out. YOU are the only sane and rational person in this relationship right now. As of today, you are still married so worry about living up to YOUR vows today and accept uncertainty for a bit of time. Develope your plan, with thoughtful consideration. She will eventually come around or not. Her choices are outside of your direct control (but your plan can definitely include influencing such decision carefully, thoughfully and calmly ....without LB's).

Mr. Wondering

WDIW,

I believe that Kentucky is one of the states where you CANNOT get a divorce while the wife is pregnant.

So, tell your WW this and that she might as well cut out all contact with the OM and work on the marriage.

I too was thinking only of OM and how "hurt" he would be if I were to stay married to BS and not allow him any access to his child. However, I am happy to say now that 4 months after child was born (she was born 6/06) BS and I are finally working in our marriage and I am finally able to see that this was BEST for my child and my other 2 children with BS. Yes, OM is completely out of the picture now.

In my case, OM and I ended things when BS and I decided to work on our M a year ago. However, I didn't realize at the time I was already pg. When i found out, I told OM and he immediately told me he wanted access/custody of baby. Until OC was born I had promised him that if the baby was his I was going to do my best to make sure he would be in her life.

Well.... that's what my foggy mind/heart was telling me. In my case, we moved out of state during my pregnancy partially due to OM (he was becoming quite obsess with the child.. and with me) and partially because it was a great job opportunity for BH. Moving actually helped our situation as I did not have to worry about him showing up in the delivery room etc. In my case OM is also single and was at one point willing to destroy my M to get to be in OC's life. However, now the baby is 4 months old and he has YET to file to establish paternity. Actually he has made it clear that as long asI stay married, he will not do so because he realizes he is going to have to pay a BUNCH of $$ to make his case and the possibility is very small that the courts give him much custody.

However, in my case it took me until now to see OM for who he really is. A selfish individual who only had his own interest in mind. Once that started to happen, it was quite easy for me to realize my child was better off being raised by BH and I even if our M is not quite great just yet. We are working on it....

Sounds like your wife is not even close to seeing that OM is not the best choice for the child and that Divorce and having your other son involved in this mess (as sooner or later you will have to explain the OM and OC if she were to allow OM any contact with OC!) is not in the choice for her to make.

Like others have told you here, DO NOT GIVE UP and DO NOT AGREE TO A DIVORCE just yet. Your wife is confused AND if she is is still having contact with OM the confusing will only get worse!!! As long as she is talking to him, she will NOT be able to see the bigger picture... her feelings for you and your son will get cloudy when she hears OM cry out to her (just to make her feel guilty) about his child etc... it is quite a vicious cycle!! She needs to have absolute NO CONTACT with OM in order for her to think clearly and in order for her to realize what SHE wants in this mess.

Also, remember she may feel guilty about it all and may be thinking that the "RIGHT" thing to do is to allow OM in the baby's life because she might be thinking that they BOTH were responsible for creating this life etc... So you need to let her know that YOU Are willing to take all the responsability for OC and that you are willing to be the father OC needs. Be sure she knows OC is YOUR baby regardless of what she may say (hearing BS tell me these things made a big difference for me as it made me realize what an awesome man he is!).

I think right now you need to try your best (if this is what you want) to help your wife through her emotions... being pregnant does not make it easy as your feelings/emotions are all over the place to begin with! Talk to her, let her vent, cry, talk.... TO YOU not OM!! IF you are not there for her, she will go to him for comforting!! YOU need to be her streghth right now!! Do not let your pride get in the way.... eventually she will see that what you are doing right now is what matters... but until she does, you need to be the one that helps her through all of this. Her foggy mind will only make things worse if you allow her to make decisions about your future right now.

I wish you both the very best... feel free to email me (ctvjcv@yahoo.com).

Take CAre,
Becca

Very small thread jack, but WOW Mcbecca!!!! You are definitely headed in the right direction! I was quite worried when you first arrived if we would be able to get through your fog in time!

WDIW, I say you should print Mcbecca's post to you and show it to your W if she's not willing to check things out here! She is still very new to her recovery, and so may have the best chance at getting through to your W and pulling her out of her fog. I still want to encourage you to invite your W to this forum. We FWW's w/OC may be few, but we are strong and want to help any other's out there in our shoes to see that it CAN be done. Fortunately/unfortunately(from the standpoint of helping get your W out of her fog) I never had the withdrawl issues or fog issues prior to D-day. BUT, I have been through being the WW who is P and not certain that her H TRULY wishes to remain M'd in light of that fact. Our xOM made it VERY easy to go NC, at least on my part, he kept trying to talk to me and such until he was forced to move(military discharge etc...) Between myself, Aut, and now Mcbecca, I think we can be that driving force that helps your W see the truth of her situation. PLEASE, invite her here, and assure her that she won't be bashed, but we will firmly, yet gently, guide her along the path to recovery. Yes, occasionally there will be some 2x4s, if she's showing some resistance, but, unless she's just being plain stubborn, they only sting when first contact is made, but it helps in the long run.

Please, don't give up, cause she is so confused and fence sitting right now. She can and will come around, it's just gonna take some work on both your parts.

Mcbecca,

Your situation is completely identicle to ours.....the same with the, deciding to work it out, she found out she was pregnant, she was gonna try with the other guy (the other guy is very immature/controlling/pshyco)......I do have a feeling that the only reason he wants the child is 'cause he wants my wife also. But who knows....I am going to print your reply out for my wife and bring it to her tonight....I did send the whole thread to her last week and I don't think it helped...I also tried to get her to come on here and talk but she refused that also....Again thanks to all and I will keep you updated.

She refused because she thinks her situation is unique/special.

If she knew how mundane it is it would sicken her.

Keep plugging, WDIW. You do what is best for your family....it's all you can do, really.

- Kimmy

Well, just want to say thanks again to all of you who have posted but the future doesn't look bright....wife wants to keep OM in childs life, thinks that marriage is just a piece of paper and wants a divorce, but at the same time wants to stay with me, bla, bla, bla.....I'm sorry but if the one who I love says to me that our marriage is nothing but a piece of paper, well, it's not gonna work........she says she's confused on what she wants, that she doesn't want to be with OM and that if she did she would be with him now....oh well, I'm tired of hanging on to a dream of a happy marriage/family.....I'm letting go know, and when she does find out what she is looking for she'll come to the realization that she always had it with me.....I'm handsome, funny, young, successful, faithful, loving and a good father........there are dozens of women that I have turned down because of her.....I'm done with hanging on....I told her she needs to leave the house ASAP cause I don't want my son thinking that everything is back to normal and that his family is back intact.....I'm done with wanting someone who was so willing to hurt me without even thinking twice....this chapter is over finally....I have learned alot this past year and it has definately changed me for the best.....I'd rather be alone than to be with someone who doesn't love me as I love them.....sorry for the vent and thanks to all.

That statement says alot, and that is exactly how I felt when my EX and I divorced. I really, really didnt want to stay married to someone who was lukewarm about us.

I did the same thing.....turned down ALOT of women that wanted to have an affair because I knew it was wrong and I loved my EX and didnt want to hurt her. She turned around and cheated on me 2-3 times. Just didnt make sense. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I behoove you not to make such an emotional decision just yet.

Today, you are still married to her so I behoove you to maintain YOUR integrity and live up to your vows until such time that you are divorced. MANY BS's herein have given up and thought their marriages were over only to find themselves in recovery weeks or months down the road. If you can't handle it anymore then separate and go to Plan B.

MB principles ARE a recovery tool for YOU individually as well as the marriage. In order for you to move on without ANY regrets, utilizing the plan(s) to their fullest extent will allow you to move on with your life content that you did all you could. What's to regret??? Who knows...someday, for you or your son, you may regret not trying everything you could to save your marriage and family. You can't go back. You get ONE chance to do it to the best of your ability. Remember, wayward spouses are in a fog and do not KNOW what they are saying or doing. She is like a drug addict and YOU are the only sane person around that MAY be able to pull her from her addiction. Would you tuck tail and run so easily if she were "merely" a crack head???. I think you'd TRY to help her with her addiction and leave only once all avenues were exhausted.

Utilizing the MB plans gives you peace of mind, in the end, that you did all you could to "save" her. Mind your love busters and separate if you must but do so respectfully...she is still your wife, today. Don't start ANY new relationship until at the very least you are divorced. Be true to your vows despite what she does.

Act, Don't React.

Mr. Wondering

WDIW, please listen to Mr.Wondering. My H said all the things your WW is saying and now we are in recovery. Use the MB priniciples, do all you can to recover your M and then if all fails you can walk away with integrity.