Good Morning...

I'm happy to ear that your weekend was good and I'm sad to hear that your WH is treating the boys like that...


I was wondering if you could talk some more about what you learned...it may be helpful to the rest of us...please if you could... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


Too late for what? What are you looking for? What's the payoff for you in having regrets now? Punishing yourself now for what you were doing back then, when you weren't aware you were doing it, does that make senses?

What you are learning now will have it's place...one way or another...

Keep your head up...you are doing great! Don't be so hard on yourself! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Marflow,

Last year, when WH and I intially separated, he didn't spend much time with our DS; he was a bit 'busy' with OW. I was still in Plan A, so when he was dumped, he would spend time here, but only when I was around, otherwise, he didn't bother. WH now spends much more time in a much more scheduled way with DS. He gets him one night a week for dinner and every other weekend. I didn't really give him a choice; I kinda forced responsibility, because this whole thing can become overwhelming without a break.

One thing I've seen this time around is that my WH takes my son places and they have fun. They enjoy each other. While WH was living here, he never really took son anywhere or did anything with him. So, for WH, our separation has given him a chance to take care of son, for what little time it is.

Your WH wants the whole cake thing. He wants to see you, have you fill some of his needs, and also give him more freedom by taking care of the kids if he doesn't want to. In other words, he wants you to care for him, and the kids and let him do whatever.

About the respect thing; it's never too late, it just may be too late for your WH to see how much you really care for yourself and your family. Learning about respect is good for a lifetime of frienships and love. Also, you never know what life will bring your way. It's never too late...

Just a little up date. When I talk to SH I asked him if it would be ok if I had my sons write WH a letter telling him how they feel SH told me not to influance the boys on want to say.

So tonight I asked them if they wanted to do it YS started crying saying he couldn't OS didn't say yes or no he is really hurting over WH not being there Saturday.

So then I said maybe you should call your Dad and find out when they could spend time with him this week they don't want to call him. I don't know want to do. I know they want to spend time with him but they are hurting.

Does anybody have any idea about wahat I could do. In the past I would call WH but plan b doesn't allow for that. I really need help with this.

Rin- What I learned is that men need respect and women need love. And when a women doesn't get love she won't show respect in turn the man won't show love and it's a crazy circle.

Today I stopped a 7-11 and it hit me. Things I have do over the years. Like telling him he couldn't smoke in our house, he couldn't watch TV in our bedroom, then to top it off I got rid of cable TV. All the things I did was to make thing better but what I really did was take him from being the head of the house. I want to tell him that I realize what I did. Thats what I met when I said it was to late. I know it will help with my other relationships (ie my sons). It just saddens me that I may never be able to tell my H sorry for what I did. I know that doesn't justify his affair but it's the way I feel.

PS. There is a book from the seminar it's called Love & Respect By Dr. Emerson Eggerichs

Silent- The reason I didn't do a set schedule is that WH works all different hours plus the boys are old enough to set up times.

Now I'm afraid it's to late.

He was so close to the boys before all this happened.

What kind of damage it this doing to them? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> Thats the question I keep asking myself.

I have to say that this is doing a lot of damage. Again, only take what is yours, do the best you can do. Keep making suggestions for the boys, or maybe help them out. Do you have a good source for intermediary things. Maybe the boys could send dad a message through them; a letter, a phone call. It's got to be excruciating for them to confront their father. Is there a school counselor that they can talk to, a trusted teacher, a pastor or priest. I believe that all of these people are there to help. Maybe a youth counselor, or look up helping kids survive divorce online. I don't really know. My son is 4, so he only says that he misses daddy, and I tell him that I miss him to, but we don't live together right now, but that we both love him. I remember how tough it was answering my sons questions last year, when WH originally moved out. It was very difficult to say the least. My son leads with emotion, so he was very aware of the change (at 3yo). I know how much you hurt for them. Do all that you can to counsel them; all you can do is to ask them to try and be honest with their father when they see or talk to him. I'm not sure how to handle these things in Plan B.

In the end, the only control you have is of yourself. Maybe change the title of this thread, if you still can, to reflect your need for help guiding your sons. I'm so sorry to hear of the neglect and the childrens' sadness.

Oh, about your post regarding not respecting your husband in the past; well, he never corrected you and told you how emasculating your behavior was, and sometimes we go with what works. Not letting him smoke in the house is really a health issue (and I'm a former smoker). You have children, it's really a no brainer. Now, take a man's cable away, and all bets are off!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />
Your life will not be over if you two don't end up together, married; one day, you may be able to tell him these things, but I may hazard a guess that one day you will be past blaming yourself for the demise of your marriage and not care to tell him what you know. He may show you such a lack of respect that you recognize that what you did was nowhere near what he has created here.

Believe me, I'm no angel in this marriage; I probably did things to upset or even disrespect, but I expect to be called out on that, always have. I've made it clear that I will make mistakes and I expect to be made aware. If WH chose not to tell me, how can I change. Do you see what I'm saying? You thought you were doing what was best, you didn't know your WH took that as disrespectful. Are you a certified mind reader, or something <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I've been thinking a lot about now, and the future. That's my big problem. What happens when some new woman enters my life via my son and his father? It's going to be awful for me. What happens when my son gets older and wonders if it was all his fault? What happens to my son and his mental health? What further damage is done to my heart? What happens when I see husband with some OW? Oh, I go on don't I. Like I said, do what you can for sons, and look for more help here and in your community.

MF-

Would you consider that if you try to help the situation that you will be enabling your WH's behavior? Cushing the consequences of his behavior?

I know that I have jumped in to help when there was a situation b/t WH and the kids in the past? It was just last Friday that I saiid to the two of them "You are going to have to work this out between the two of you."

It was the first time that I have ever done that...and I did it for several reasons...one WH is the one that screwed up...two, as mach as I would like to it's not my place...the issue IS between the two of them...this comes under what you can control and what you can't control...

You can't control your sons' reactions to the bad choices that your WH is making...whether sooner or later he will have to repent to those boys...

Now, I can accept that my son is mad at his father, I can also offer my support, be empathic, and when asked offer my opinion...it is up to my son from there...

I understand that you are concerned about your sons...be there for them...create a safe place for them in order to talk to you...let them know that there is nothing wrong with them...that they did nothing wrong...be there for them...love them and support them...

I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this pain also...let go and let God...he will handle it...I know that you have faith...

Thank you for being you...wonderful, fabulous, and strong YOU...wonderful, protective mother that you are...my heart is with you...

Marflow,

You have your outlets to vent. What do you have for your children? You have required they NOT talk to you about their dad. That is NOT good for them.

While they can be part of your support team, you s/b part of their's. You should ban together with your children and yes, learn to stomach their convos with their dad. It is critical you know what he is feeding them.

If you stay dark from your chlidren, where do you expect them to go with this info? It is not fair to expect your children to handle more stress than you.

JMHO,
L.

I have not posted in awhile.

WH is still wayward no suprise there.

Yesterday I was in a car accident, I wasn't hurt (my car was) but I did call WH he is my only family in this town. He came to the accident site. After he got there I started to cry he out his arm around me and held me until I stopped crying he kept saying it will be ok. He stayed with me until I was done ( it took 3 hrs for the police to arrive) then he drove me to get my rent a car. When we got there I told him he could leave, but he said he wanted to stay until he knew I had the car. Then once we knew I had the car I told him to go but then he said he would wait until we did the walk around the car. So that was done. So I you can go now and I thanked him for staying with me and he gave my a hug. Then he called about 1 hour later to see if I was ok I told him I was. Then he called again to make sure I was ok. He has called already this morning to check on me.

Ok so now what do I do? He does seem to really care about how I'm doing.

Does he care enough to agree to your PBL conditions? Go dark again.

I would resend the PBL since you had brief contact. If he does not respond or stops calling, you'll know how concerned he really is, right?

Oh, and really...how are you doing? You okay?

Hi, MF-

I'm sorry to hear about the accident...you must have been shaken up pretty bad! Can you update us on the current conditions? Is WH living with OW, on his own, what?

Remember should you talk to him again be O&H...

Three hours for the police to get there....WOW!

Wishing you the best and hoping that you are feeling fine...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

GWTF...

You have great support here...great people who care about you...your title "Had to break plan B" is why I'm here.

When I see a lie, I have to stop and say, "Hmmm."

Hmmmm.

You had a car accident. You CHOSE to call WH...no had to...full of choice. You chose to break your own Plan B because...tell us.

You revoked your permission to contact WH with your PBL...and you left in a hidden clause...if something happens which you consider an emergency...or reaches a certain stress/anxiety level...then it's okay.

Know what you permit yourself and what you don't...and why.

No judgment.

Here to encourage and support your O&H, as Rinder advises...and KNOW you're truly being honest...

Own what you choose and you will find the answer to your next choice...it's already there.

LA

Silent- I am fine I have a little pain on the right side, I'm sure that had to do with pushing so hard on the brake and impact.

Rin-WH still living with his Mom she knows everything and still won't kick him out. His OW won't leave her husband.

LA- First I want to thank you for posting to me.

You are right I had a choice and my chose was to call him I needed him. I've missed him so much and I had what I felt like was a good reason to contact him.

My next choice is the one that makes me feel so unsure. I figure I have 2 choices.

1. I could resend my PBL.

2. I oould talk to him tell him how this has made me feel.

I feel like I'm [email]d@mned[/email] if I do and big fat B!t@h if I do.

If I go right back into Plan B didn't I use him?
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

See, you're getting to belief questions, GWTF...which is excellent...

Goes to why you chose Plan B in the first place.

If you chose it to get him to wake up...then you are betraying yourself.

If you chose it to get him to end his affair (like waking up, only waking up and taking action), then you are betraying yourself.

If you chose it to protect your love for him, honor and stand for your marriage, then you betrayed yourself when you called him...

See, knowing what we're choosing and why...seeing our power, which is our choice...will free you from being a victim...give your marriage room for equals, not doers and done-to's...

"You are right I had a choice and my chose was to call him I needed him."

You believed you needed him. You reached for external validation, acknowledgment and comfort in times of high stress. And you chose him. You thought you were calling your H...you weren't...you called your WH.

"I've missed him so much and I had what I felt like was a good reason to contact him."

You had high permission to betray yourself if certain conditions inside you were met...highest possible stress...family emergency...and you put this under that...like hiding cookies under our mattress when we're diabetic..."break in case of emergency"

How about choosing your next action from your own personal code...accepting you miss your H greatly...dearly...and he isn't there...accepting that reality...the WH is there...

Why not own all you've learned. "I surprised myself in calling you. I didn't know I had hidden that permission in me. I miss my husband very much, his compassion, presence and loyalty...and I have guarded my love really well, awaiting his return."

No more contact, discussion...change your phone number...only go through your intermediary.

There are no accidents, I promise. You have not damaged, misled or injured. Know you what you chose and why without judgment.

What he might think, feel or believe is his, GWTF...truly not yours. Taking on his stuff was disrespectful to him, your marriage and to you...choosing to do so told your own self, you're lacking, not enough, so I need to live through someone else.

Ouch.

Get seated in what you truly believe...and find those hidden beliefs you acted from...and again...when crisis occurs...get to know you...focus on you...because what you're missing in WH is a lot of parts of you that you saw in him...they want to come home and be in you...from way back, when you disowned them.

Know this and be whole, GWTF...you already are.

LA

LA,

You really have a beautiful way about you, a way of looking through what we believe to get to the truth. I'm always inspired when i read from your posts. I am humbled, and even when you are addressing someone else, I learn about my own truths.

Marflow,

I hope that you are doing well, and getting settled BACK in to Plan B. I understand how much you miss your H; I've been thinking of my H also, with the changes I've made around the house, and how far apart, in all ways, that we are now. I've been having dreams about WH coming home to become my H again. It may be my last vestiges of hope for our M giving way to my reality, who knows; they're just dreams. Anyway, I hope that you are doing well after your unfortunate accident. Please let us know how things are going, k?

GWTF-

It appears that you have some choices to make...

and some work to do... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

IT also appears that WH is very concerned about your wellbeing...

Do you know if there has been contact with the OW considering that your WH is not important enough to leave her present situation? Perhaps if you chose to talk with him again you could said "I'm really missing you and would like for you so come home, but fear that our M is not important enough to you to work on."

This is about YOUR choices, what YOU need...you're the only one that can determine that! Ask yourself...Where do "I" want to go from here? The gate has been open, or you willing to explore what's on the other side. If it doesn't look good well, you could go back to what you were doing, Plan B...resent letter...

BTW, please don't be so hard on yourself...even Jesus stumbled along his path carrying the cross...trust yourself to do the right thing...there's a lesson in everything that you do...we all have to learn to humble ourselves from time to time...it's part of our journey...

Loving you for being you...it will be okay... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Good morning all.

It took me all weekend to digest everything. Came to work on Friday and someone had stolen are work van. I work for a church ministry. What kind of sick person steals from a church?

Needless to say it was nota good week at work.

LA- I've always had a bad habit of taking on H issues. My need to not hurt him even though he has hurt me. But your right I was looking for my H my friend to come to me that day. He has been very sweet checking on me.

After my best friend was killed in a car accident he always worried about me driving, and now this happened.

I know God doesn't let something bad happen without something good coming from it. I just keep wondeing is this could be the slap that he needed.

Sorry just my brain working overtime.

Silent- I have not went back to plan b yet. I know I need to but right now I am accepting that he cares enough to call and check on me.

Rin- I'm having a hard time with do I bring up the M or do I thank him for being there when I needed him. A big part of me wants to ask if he is ready to try but I'm not sure I want to hear the answer even if its yes. I see what Lizzie is going thru and her WH reminds me alot of my WH.

All I can do is pray for God to guide me.

I will be back later work is busy this time of year.

Well, MF, I think it's great that you are aware of your choices in the matter.

Perhaps until you decide you can note the positive things along the way... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I have to keep in mind: I before E (intelligence before emotion!) Not an easy task before me or anyone else for that matter! LMAO

I'm sure that you are doing the right things for YOU at this time. I have faith in you and I'm sorry to hear about work!