Hi TooSoon,

I’ve noticed you’re around on this board lately, so I just want to say “Hi”! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

It has been a while but I want to thank you for the post you’ve send to me on my thread back in June after contact was broken. I never responded to you personally since I’ve taken a short break from the board, but I do want to let you know that your words of encouragement to me at that time were very helpful and much appreciated. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I also want to let you know that things are going well between me & hubby. Also (as you’ve probably read) my H’s court case for his Unfair Dismissal back in January 2004 is starting in the Higher Labor Court on the 20th November (next month) and is scheduled for 6 days. So hopefully everything will get settled positively during that time so that we can put this whole thing behind us and go into “Christmas” and the “New Year 2007” without this thing still hanging above our heads.

How are things going with you on your side of the world?

^Bump^

Hi Suzet. I was curious one day and jumped back into MB forum and read a couple of cases. Mike's WW was dating or is dating a single guy so I thought I would give him my two cents worth.

I hope your H wins his case and they have to pay him back pay and give him his job back. It sounds like your temptation came and went quickly, good for you. Like they say, NC is so important, since the feelings can be rekindled.

My marriage seems to be working decently although there are always marriage challenges. I am way past my wife's indiscretion; it is like it never even happened. Every once in awhile, we talk about it, but it is rare. We see other vulnerable people in their marriages and we say, "there is an affair waiting to happen". Here is what I mean. This one gal came in and I asked her what her husband felt about a certain situation. She said, "we never talk about anything so I have no idea how he feels". My wife was with her one day and the gal saw someone she knew from a class they took. She got all excited and said, "He and I really it off in our class together and we talked about everything under the sun". She and that guy are walking close to the river's edge and if she is not careful, she will be over her head. That came directly from my mother's mouth years and years ago. I rarely comment when women say negative things about their spouses. I learned how easy things can build. I guess it is called "Defensively Driving Your Marriage".

Are winter season is coming quick up here in the States. Leaves are falling and we even had a sprinkle of snow recently. They are predicting a lot of snow this year, but we will see. I even got my snow blower out of the shed and into the garage so I will be ready for the winter.

Good talking to you. If your husband gets his job back, will you quit to avoid Mr. Trouble? By the way, never had a thread named after me before so thanks for that.

TooSoon

Hi Toosoon,

Thanks for your response & good wishes! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I’m glad things are going well between you and your W. It sounds if you two are recovered now.

You’re right, there are so many vulnerable marriages and I also see many “warning signs” along the way. My good friend from High School is in a divorce process after 6 years of marriage, but it sounds if they’re going to reconcile and give it another chance after all. I'm going to send a thread soon on my opinion/advice to her (I will call it “Did I give the right advice?”, so you’re welcome to give you opinion there too.

Right now it’s summer in South-Africa – the perfect holiday season for spending time on the beach and in the sun & water. We live far from a beach but as soon as my H’s case gets positively resolved (hopefully) the 2 of us want to go away somewhere on vacation near a beach for at least a week.



Someone already asked me this question before, and HERE was my answer.

Take care. It was good talking to you too. At least you have a thread named after you now! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Suzet

Suzet:

I read your what happens if hubby gets his job back and i completely understand. When my WW's affair was exposed and my then WW was trying to allow me to keep her job, she exposed to me her having an affair with a married man before I met her. The point is she was able to still work with him as she married me. I feel a bit foolish for not knowing this but it doesn't matter today. She din't date him when we were married but she kept it a secret for 20 plus years. I wonder what I don't know today.

I am not as passionate and dedicated as before the affair. I have told her many times, if you don't like your life and job, leave it and move on. I was more passionate before to save the marriage at all costs. I am so differnt now. She doesn't like the person she created. She is jealous of me for NO reason and I remain cautious of her. I know she is human and capable of falling for anyone who comes along. I remain loyal to her but she suspect I am curious to other women. I am not really, but I can't imagine starting over. I would prefer to grow old with the woman I am married too. I am older than you and your H and you guys are young like my older child. You two make a good couple, since I saw your pics. Even though I say these words, we are doing great. Affairs bring a reality to a world and nothing remains the same.

TooSoon

TooSoon, me and my hubby never had any big jealousy issues with each other, but after my EA I do feel more cautious & concerned about his interactions with the opposite sex than before. However, up to this date he has never gave me any reason to be suspicious or doubt his integrity. I’m just “sensitized” to A’s now. Before my EA, I always had “blind” trust in my H (and myself) concerning the opposite sex, but that isn’t the case anymore. I do trust my H, but not “blindly” anymore…because I think if I could unwittingly crossed boundaries from platonic friendship into romantic love with someone outside marriage (I'm the last person I ever suspect this would happen to) it can happen to anyone...even my H. I’m still afraid one day he might develop the same inappropriate feelings towards another woman than I've developed towards XOM, but my H always assure me I’m the only woman he love and will ever love…it's almost if he beliefs the same thing that happened to me can’t happen to him and that he's not wired to have an A (or develop inappropriate feelings)…and Dr Harley warn against this mindset.

I don’t belief this about myself and I know my H doesn’t belief it about me either. Let me explain: Although I might still have a weakness/vulnerability for XOM underneath the surface (because it’s like an addiction) and although feelings might get rekindled again like it did a few months ago if I doesn’t keep NC and keep my boundaries high up (in case he tries to contact me again and if there are accidental contacts), I know I’m not capable of falling for “anyone who comes along”. Why not?
Because I’m aware of the dangers now of close opposite sex friendships and keep healthy boundaries with the opposite sex (walls and windows as explained by Shirley Glass). Therefore, although I don't view myself as a weak person who might fall for anyone, I do recognize my weakness towards XOM. But the fact that I have this weakness/vulnerability towards one person doesn't mean that I'm weak towards ALL other people of the opposite sex.

Toosoon, if you were much younger and not so long married at discovery of your W’s A, would you then maybe start over? A few months ago after the resumption of my EA, someone said if he was my H he would leave me and start over since we are still young and doesn’t have any children yet. He didn’t direct his words to me but I was very upset after I’ve read those words.... I’ve responded and said me any my H have a very strong bond and probably have gone through much more difficulties and hard times during our 10 year marriage than the average couple (my EA, infertility, my H's unemployment & current court case, my depression & OCD, the times I’ve received counseling and worked through my sexual child abuse issues etc. etc.) Therefore, the thought of starting over have NEVER crossed me or my H’s minds.