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Joined: Oct 2006
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After what i have done to him, he doesn't need to be with someone like me. He is too good for me and he deserves better than me. I do love him but I want him to be happy and in order for him to take this pain away, he needs to get rid of me.

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shelp,

My W has shared some of your same feelings at one time or another. I can only speak for myself when I say, "as a BS I do not want to hear that, it's a sign of giving up, a sign of weakness at a time when extreme strength is needed". Your BS needs and wants you by his side. You made a mistake, a huge one, but I think it can be overcome.

I do understand your feelings, but they are feelings. I wouldnt be too quick to turn them in to wants or shoulds or needs.

I read some of your other posts. As you probably have been told by now your H is on a huge rollercoaster, this is the most common explanations of both BS's and WS's. you will both be on one for a very long time.

Please dont think people here on this site are one sided. Actually, maybe they are, maybe they all want to stop infidelity. In all honesty though I do understand what you are saying when yopu say people here tend to be one sided. I left another site to come here because the other site was more of a "make me feel good site" rather than a "do whats morally right" site. ALL forums are made of all sorts of different people, none of us prosfessionals in the sense of a counseling education but we all share a common real problem and we are all at different stages of that problem, so those who have experiance MAY be able to help others (constructive criticism, insight, etc) and those in the exact same place as you may be able to share similarities (comfort, understanding, comassion, etc). I'm probably not telling you anything you dont already know. I think what I am trying to say is that all forums are made up of regular people, some are nuts, but some have very solid and profound insight to infidelity. We must all filter through the best we can.

Is your H working on or willing to work on you marriage yet? Is he aware you are posting? Is he willing to post? Are you two making any steps toward the recovery process?


God Bless,

2LLP

Last edited by 2LLP; 10/18/06 11:55 AM.

BS(me)-41
FWS(wife)-39
D-11
D-13
S-15
Dday-1 10/05/05
Dday-2 06/02/06
Dday-3 07/14/06
Married - 17 years, together 23
My story - http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rt=1&PHPSESSID=
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Shelp don't think like that. It will be a rollercoaster ride just like 2LLP said, up and down but it can work out. Your husband is still there and wanting to work this out. Will he come here and post and try and get some help and direction from the peopel on the boards. Hang in there it can work and get better.

Shawn

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If you are still wayward, then your assertions are correct; anyone deserves better than that, HOWEVER, if you are no longer wayward and want to save your marriage, SHOW that. Read the books, send the letter, be totally open and honest. This is NOT going to be easy. YOU participate in getting help. Realize your spouse is in utter turmoil; everything he believed has been turned upside down and shaken. Try to learn to empathize/sympathize. Don't let your mistake ruin your marriage.


Me-BS-38
Married 1997; son, 8yo
Divorced April 2009
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Quote:

After what i have done to him, he doesn't need to be with someone like me. He is too good for me and he deserves better than me. I do love him but I want him to be happy and in order for him to take this pain away, he needs to get rid of me.




Well, he is a much better judge of what will make him happy. It might make him very unhappy if you leave while he is on the floor bleeding and needs first aide. That might hurt him worse that the affair. I hope that you do the decent thing and stay long enough to help him through this.

However, if you do decide to abandon him, it would only be fair for YOU to do the moving out. He has already been punished enough, it wouldn't be fair to ask him to give up his home too.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Nov 2004
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Quote:

After what I have done to him, he doesn't need to be with someone like me. He is too good for me and he deserves better than me. I do love him but I want him to be happy and in order for him to take this pain away, he needs to get rid of me.




Well the first thing you can do is to, “START ACTING LIKE A WOMAN, and not a child”. All this pity only makes you look “pitiful”. There ARE better avenues for you to pursue. How about this scenario:

You adopt the concepts and ideas behind this “Marriage Builder” website including, “love bank”, “emotional needs”, “radical honesty”, “love busters” and all the rest. Then you use that information to make a better person out of yourself and while you are doing that you allow your husband to benefit from your gain. You perhaps teach him the things you are learning so that he too can become a better person. It appears from your earlier posts that he is not without some serious relationship flaws himself.

In short, you and your husband become EXPERTS at “love”.

If you are truly serious about what your husband may or may not deserve then perhaps you will consider that what he NEEDS most is someone that will love him and not abandon him in the storm.

If you really want to help him then, “don’t give up!” Stay the course, don’t lose sight of your star and above all, “don’t be a coward”.

In one of your earlier posts a fellow named “Just Learning” answered you plea for help. His response to you was “on the mark!” Go back and reread his post to you and hopefully you glean the wisdom that I suspect went right past you.

Remember this, YOU are likely what your husband needs right now; now the ONLY question remaining is, “Are you up for the task at hand?”

Mr. G


"You don't need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows," Bob Dylan

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