We have been married for 6.5 years and have a one year old daughter and 3 year old son. We have always had a rocky marriage and both have very volatile personalities so when we get in arguments it ussually turns out into a lot of name calling and put downs. I am not as attracted to my wife as I used to be and find myself attracted to many other people besides my wife. This is part of the problem I believe as I feel like a fraud and feel like I am just with my wife for my kid's benefit but lately with all of arguments etc. I don't think it really is for their benefit. I can put up with a lot and often internalize the way I am feeling and I forgive quite easily. For example recently my wife said that she was on the verge of an affair and I did not take this seriously and just figure that she is tyring to get my attention. I think that we both have very poor communication skills and I am sad that our children have to witness some of the antics. I work from home so we are together almost all of the time and this might be part of the problem as we are always getting in each others way. For example today I took a bit of a break from the office and my wife said quite rudely in front of my son for me to get back in my office. It hurts to be told this and I worry about him hearing this and I feel like a pushover. I have started counselling for myself 3 weeks ago and I have found this helpful for controlling my anger and I think more before I speak and I realize that the put downs just make things worse so I have stopped in this area even if I get put down from my wife and I want to lash out in return. I really need advice though as I feel very much like a fraud and I don't have that warm feeling for my wife and I don't know what I am doing anymore. I will do whatever I can for my kid's benefit but I can't honestly say that this marriage is for their benefit when things go like this....please help!!!

Wow, are you in need of His Needs, Her Needs and LOVEBUSTERS by Dr Willard Harley to understand the damage you are both doing to your marriage. Every incident of disrespect causes the other to fall out of love a little more until you feel no love at all.

But, you can fall back in love again if you STOP the lovebusters and start meeting one another's needs.

Are you willing to do a little work?

Is your wife having an affair?

Here is an article about lovebusters: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html

Thanks! I see no sign that my wife is having an affair. She often says things for shock value to get my attention and when she said that she was on the verge of an affair I didn't take it seriously at all but rather another way to get my attention. In a way I wouldn't be that disappointed if she did have an affair and I know that this feeling is not normal which brings me to this site to question if this marriage is worth it. I have lost a lot of my ethusiasm for life and I know what it is like to be in love and I am not in love which makes it very hard. Having experienced love in the past haunts me in my marriage. I almost wish that I had never loved so intensely in the past as this makes my marriage such as let down in perspective....

I have to agree with Mel.

Get those two books and read them.

Also take the time read a lot of the articles on this web site. The books will go into much more detail but you can get a quick overview of the concepts from this site.

If you feel the need to vent come here for that. You'll do a lot less damage to your M.

We'll be here to help.

Thanks! Part of what I need is support and your comments have given me that!

Mack,

You must have an angel looking over you that brought you to this website.

From your simple post is seems clear that your marriage is dysfunctional and in need of some repairs and restoration. So let’s get to work.

I presume that you have read all the material on this website pertaining to “love bank”, “emotional needs”, “love busters”, “radical honesty”, “policy of joint agreement”, “giver and taker” and the rest. You need to understand these basic concepts because they will provide you a framework that describes a healthy loving relationship with your spouse. I presume that idea appeals to you.

Currently, it seems that your relationship with your wife is one of adversaries. That of course, must change. That is why it is critical that you learn all about “love”; what makes it happen and how it is sustained. You say that you have felt the deep and compelling attraction of “love” in a past relationship. You of course want to experience those feelings again and perhaps wonder if such feeling could ever be available between you and your wife?

Consider the following statement, “Couples that are in love with one another act lovingly towards each other.” I would think that you would agree with that statement, right? Now how about the inverse of the statement, “Couples that act lovingly towards each other will be in love with each other.” Could it be that “love” is merely the loving exchange that takes place between two people? This is something that you should consider in your efforts to rediscover those deep feeling that we call “love”.

Remember, for the most part the marriages that are saved here are ones that have suffered from betrayal stemming from infidelity. The stark naked truth of such couples is so traumatic that they are often times uniquely motivated to do anything and everything to save their marriages and restore love to the relationship. It is in the face of infidelity that they discover how deep their love for each other was. Most of the folks that come here for that reason indeed save their marriages. Your wife and you are in a slightly different boat. Infidelity has not visited your doorstep and because of that you both may have a more caviler attitude concerning the state of your marriage and that is what likely is causing you to feel indifferent to your wife. Please consider this.

One parting thought; this site and Marriage Builder concepts and ideas work best if they are applied as a team effort between husband and wife. The bottom line is that everything you desire is available to you but it will take a lot of work because “old habits die hard” and you, my friend, have baggage whose time has come to unload.

I hope that some of what I have suggested is of help,

Mr. G