Very new, just found the site, bought the book and am reading away! Dh has agreed to read also, but I generally have more time on my hands so I got started.

Problem is this. I stumbled upon some "adult viewing material" . Dh has normally not shared things like this with me and every once and awhile I find a magazine. Honestly when we first dated 20 years ago it bothered me (I was young and self-conscious). Now I don't really care and i've stated this on more than one occasion. I realize through what i've read of the book so far porn is frowned upon, etc., but it's really not my main concern here.

So if asked why he has then and keeps them from me, his standard answer is because I don't want sex enough. He's great at the blame game in all areas of life, not just this. So tonight he told me as I went to bed, he'd be up soon he needed to unwind - he'd gotten in late from work (and yes he was working, I don't suspect cheating and most definately can verify work tonight.)

So off I went, we've had plenty of sex this week I assumed he didn't want it tonight. Then I caught him, but without him seeing me. I'm hurt. I've had it, he makes me feel like crap when he tells me it's because I don't want sex - yet he's getting it and still doing it.

Last week I gave him a list of the emotional needs (from another site someone had them posted with no descriptions.) Granted it was a list, no questionaire. But I thought it would be interesting to see what he chose. First on his list was honesty and openness... So I prodded some, asked him if he had any new stuff mag's and he answered no. Asked again another day again he lies. Tonight it just totally rubbed me the wrong way, maybe because I can't deny anymore; maybe 'cause I doubt he knows how to be honest; maybe cause I just don't know how to face tomorrow pretending I don't know anything, yet feeling trampled on.

I really wanted to try to get back on track using "his needs/her needs". It makes perfect sense to me. Our marriage really stinks. We don't try to make each other happy. I can see the things that are wrong and i'm changing me. I know I can change myself with the help of the book and be a better wife. But i'm not so sure about him. Honesty is a real issue for me. I hate dishonesty. Yet he seems to have a problem being honest.

Do I confront him about tongith and what I know? Then what? I have no plan. I could insist on seeing a marriage counselor and he would probably agree. But I think the book has such a good plan for rebuilding what we've lost. But he can never be honest about this one subject. Then you have the blame. He doesn't take responsiblity for his actions, he always blames or makes excuses. I know i'm rambling - it's late and now I haven't been able to sleep.

I need someone somewhat clear-headed to give me some good advice as to facing the morning. Do you let it go and hope he fesses up? Do you call him on it and see what happens? Do you put a plan in place and what kind of plan do I need?

ST,
I am sorry to learn of your circumstances as to why you are here. It sounds like you really need some MB help and you've found the right place! First of all, the EN (emotional needs questionnaire is found on the MarriageBuilders.com website). My H and I completed these and it offered a great deal of insight into each others' needs.

You obviously know that he is still viewing porn and taking care of himself. Do you need that argument right now? Probably not. But you both have to decide that your marriage needs work and you both have a lot of work to do in order to save it. It sounds like there is a lot of tension between the two of you. I encourage you to complete the EN questionnaires, and use that as a starting point for your discussions. Once you complete those, then start the discussions that will lead you to greater understanding and meeting each others ENs.

It is important that you and your H focus on what is important. If you are OK with porn, that will be part of your discussions, too. Learning to have meaningful communication is difficult when you've gotten into a rut of not communicating and only arguing or worse--lying to "avoid an argument". Have a list of things that you want to talk about and remain calm.

At this point if your H is not having an affair, you are fortunate. Most posters here are BS (betrayed spouses) and dealing with the heartache and pain that accompany that aspect of trying to salvage a marriage.

Keep reading. Stay focused and meet his ENs. Then he shouldn't have the need for the porn and the masturbation. I would encourage you to start your day off on a positive note. Don't start with an argument. Take care.

SS