I have been struggling with this a little. Things are a little better at my house, but I guess I would like a little feedback and encouragement.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Here's my take on plan A with ME the WS and my BH really could care less about "winning me back." He's not divorcing me, but just not really up to making a great marriage. He does say that eventually maybe....anyway...

What I think is....this is not all about me. Now, no matter what I think about the state of our marriage prior to my EA, it is up to ONLY me to make my marriage great. I can do this by NO LB's, calm collected speech, no R talk unless initiated by him, showing affection and SF if he desires, and generally......just growing up. This will lead to changes in my marriage even if BH doesnt' do anything becasue I will have changed.

I have been having a hard time with Plan A, even with Cymanca's mantra (see my sig line) ringing through my head, so now I say to myself- a LOT- "Plan A. Plan A. Grow UP!!!"

It's like I told my BH, who has accused me throughout our marriage of "f-ed up thought processes," that someone with "f-ed up thought processes may even KNOW they have f-ed up thought processes, but just don't know what to do about it." So I need to do stuff about it. So now it's time for self discovery. Which I have avoided, becasue I'm afraid of what I'll find. But it's time. Even if this marriage crumbles, and I really dont' think it will- I think that we'll stay married no matter what- I still need to be a good me.

But is my take on Plan A with me being the WS right? What can I add?

Mrs Rob,

My heart breaks for you with your husbands attitude. Don't be a doormat. Meet his EN's - have you done the EN survey as he would answer it to identify his EN's?

Mrs. Rob,

It would certainly be nice if he would work with you, maybe he'll come around soon. In the mean time continue what you are doing, improving yourself, maybe try an 180. Something has to bring him out of this funk and get him motivated to start working on M. If I think of anything I'll post it.

Thank you for posting to my FWW. Have a great weekend!

Hey Mrs. Rob,

Will your H read here on the MB site? As you know, I'm a BH and when I found out about my wife's EA I was mad, hurt and pi$$ed and I LBed big time for about 5 days. Then it hit me, my wife would not have done this if she were happy with our M and me. I started looking for info on the web and found this site. As I was reading I learned so much. Maybe this would help your H also. He can't possibly want to live his life forever as it is today.
good luck,
M2L

Yesterday was a good day- the first day....

And I was really calm and he opened up a little, and today he spontaneously hugged me. We also went to get a cage for some tree frogs he caught (Marcus and Angie, lol) and we had a good time.

I think I push too much and I "pick" too much. If I stop doing this I think his attitude will improve and he'll join me in my quest for a great marriage.

Thanks, Big K- he really is a great guy, he just never thought this would happen to him...and he has ex-wife issues, she did something similar and they got divorced.I will dig out the EN questionnaire, I know the biggest one is SF, hands down...

Eagle15, I appreciate all your comments and any suggestions! You and Big K give me hope that my BH will change and will want to work with me for a great marriage, not just a "stay married for the kids" marriage, which we will do, but I'd like more...

Today is Day #2 and it's going to be a good one!

You are welcome. Please do one thing though, change WS to FWS or FWW, I believe you have earned it in spades. I'm awfully glad to hear he is coming around, slowly but, doing it.

Keep up the good work you will get there and he will get there with you! JMHO

I'm with Eagle on you being very aware you're a FWW!! Please change that in your title of this thread and any time you refer to yourself.

I applaud you for realizing you pick too much...from the inside...and chose your focus to be on getting safe for him to share with you...they're related!

Are you sharing your stuff, too? Doing those "I" statements...such as "I love being here picking out a tree-fog habitat. It just tickles me." LOL! That's how you ripple around the world, MrsR...you really do.

Healing is a grieiving, forgetting, regrieving time...and you are right on when you see it's not all about you...his own stuff, history, etc...you are sooo getting this!

Give yourself the kudos and the hugs, too...and know you are well on your way to a truly thriving marriage...keep posting, 'k?

You inspire so many.

LA

you may be surprised.

For men, SF is huge, when you're not getting any.
But when you are getting above the "critical minimum"... other things are more important. (at least to most guys. unless they're a sex addict or something )

Techie, SF is my #1 and I am not a SA. Harley clearly says SF is #1 for most men.

MrsRob,

I have never followed your story but this thread caught my eye. My WW came back and said she wants to prove to me that she can win me back. I am hesitant. I can't say I don't care. I am open to the possibility that I could love her again but I am also aware that she could rip my heart out yet again if I let her. She is doing all the right things. I have told her I don't love her at the moment and I meant it. I could divorce her tomorrow with no regrets. She earned that. I need time. I am still respectful of her and loving toward her because she is a human being and my wife but I don't trust her. But the one thing that troubles me most is that she seems content to try to put the A behind her. She would like to forget all about it. What I have told her is that until she goes to IC and discovers why she had the A in the first place, I'm not willing to put too much hope in the M. If she doesn't learn from history, she will repeat it. I refuse to ever go through this again. Divorce is far less painful.

So in short, I think we need to Plan A each other but we also need to get to the root. I have told her I don't care if she ever tells me why she had the A as long as she understands it herself. I really need some level of trust before I can get really interested. I have paid a terrible price for her indulgence. I do think it is up to her to prove to me it was worth it.

Pio I understand your hesitation here but I see great hope for you and Gemela given her attitude even as it is filtered here by you.

Cautious optimism.

I don't know the story here but I can see how a BS would be somewhat hesitant to engage. A lot of damage has been done by the A. It is not a question of forgiving or forgetting. It is simply a question of whether you want to risk putting yourself through that all over again. Obviously you have to if you want the M but it is still a hard emotional barrier to overcome. I do think that the FWS must work tirelessly and be consistent and never give up. The A also reeks havoc on the BS's self-esteem. I know my self-esteem is shot to he!!. This is one thing I don't see my WW really working on trying to help me with and I would recommend it to MrsRob. I think MrsRob not aonly needs to make MrRob feel good about her - she needs to make him feel good about himself.

oh come on.. I cant believe that 90% of my gender are THAT shallow. To me, "#1" means, that if this is ok, then if everything else is mediochre, life will be relatively ok.

I can believe that most men might fill that out on a questionnaire. but I cant believe that if you're getting "it" regularly, but everything else is soso, that makes things tolerable.

Eeeesh.... if that's true, then it really is true that "[most] men are pigs"

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Well Techie, clearly your experience surpasses that of Dr Harley. I can't compete with your superior intellect.

Or maybe you don't understand the whole EN concept perhaps?

I have no problem accepting that SF can be a man’s #1 EN. I think this is part of nature. Humans are unique among animals in many respects and having higher reasoning capabilities is one of them and is the only explanation of why SF might NOT be a man’s #1 EN. I can’t imagine a lion coming back to the tree from a long day on the hunt on the Serengeti and having his lioness say “Well where were YOU all day? Out at your favorite watering hole with the boys? I see you came home without any antelope – as usual. I guess you expect ME to go out and hunt down dinner. I’ll go – even though I’m exhausted from taking care of YOUR cubs all day long! And, BTW, why don’t you ever spend any time with them? Why do I have to do everything? You go ahead and take a nap. I’ll go get your dinner!” and expect that lion to stay with her very long. If the SF isn’t good, she’s history (and maybe dinner). Can you see the two (male) dogs walking down the street and, in between chasing cars, one says to the other “hey butch, don’t take this wrong but your wife’s a real b*tch”. The other says “yeah, I know. But she is so good with the pups. I don’t know how I would take care of those little whelps on my own.”

For SF to be a significant EN is natural and normal. To deny that seems odd and probably result from some deep-rooted conflict based in this higher reasoning we are cursed with. SF is not my #1 EN but it is and EN. I have no problem with it being bigK’s #1 EN and can’t see why it would make him a pig. Anybody who does think it makes him a pig simply watches too much Oprah.

Thanks Pio - I think <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I used to think that way myself. I used to think that sex was *the* glue even for myself.

Then at one point, I was getting incredibly good sex.. but my ENs werent being met in other ways. and I suddenly figured out that sex was NOT the most important thing to me.
emotional intimacy and trust was. Even the "best" sex, without that, wasnt really that great.

The transition felt like it was just a part of growing up.
It's sad to think that the majority of men havent reached that point yet. (and presumably, that would be a large driving force behind why most of the men in affairs, have affairs; they just want the sex. which is as has been described in various books as the case. and I'm just saying now, I think that's pathetic. sigh)

Yes it is truly a shame that the rest of us have not evolved to your level of maturity. But at least that gives us a goal.

Pio - I think your sarcasm will have now gone waaaaayyyyyyyy over his head. Your work is wasted here I think.

ENs are moving targets, they change over time. Initially I can see SF as being #1 and the bouncing in and out of the #1 position. As things happen to us during our daily lives ENs re-adjust, this is one area where I believe PORH comes in, as our ENs change we need to communicate that to keep our most important ENs met, both ours and our spouses. As humans we are extremely fexible and our ENs are fexible as well. JMHO