I'm a newbie, but am loving this site. It has been so helpful to me to see that I'm not alone, and can seek advice/support from people who have been through what I'm going through. My H has been having affair for about 1 yr. The OW pursued him until he gave in. WEAK!!! This isn't the first, and I just thought it would go away like the other, so ignored it. BIG MISTAKE on my part. Nonetheless, I can't change the past, but can focus on the future. I confronted him/her just over a month ago. She is pregnant, and he is still involved with her. I am doing what I guess we'd call Plan A. He is struggling with ending the affair and staying in our marriage, or leaving us (we have 3 children) to be with her. She is using the baby to play on his emotions. This is the only thing they seem to have in common besides the affair. I totally believe in my heart that she got pregnant on purpose to force him to leave us. She said she didn't and he believes her (to some extent). I have told him that I will not keep him out of his child's life, after all it is not the fault of this innocent child that his parents were completely irresponsible. I will be there to help him raise this child and accept him (OC) into our family. I don't want to keep this a secret from our other children that they have a sibling. Enough lies/deceipt already. We haven't told the kids anything yet, until there is a decision made about what H intends to do. I will move to plan B if after 6 months (the baby will be here by then) H still has not made a decision. (I hope I'm getting the plans right, but I think you understand.) I will remove H from my life if he can't make a decision.

My question/my struggle is this .... I know that his relationship will die with OW if he moves in with her. They don't get along all that well, and have only the baby in common. Should I wait it out, or tell him to leave now...and wait for him to return (because I know he will.) I have read what seems like 1000 articles, but not too many out there deal with a child as a result of the affair.

Thanks for listening....and I hope someone will respond.

It's good that you are here, and trying to implement change. I'm not too well versed when it comes to and A that produces a child, so you'll have to hang in there for more 'seasoned' help. There is a the 'Pregnancy/Child' board under the main index that people post to in your situation.

Maybe take some time to elaborate on your relationship with your H, and how you may have gotten to a place where your marriage was ripe for an affair. WH is a serial cheater? Divulge as much as you can. Those wiser on this topic will be along.

I'm sorry that you are in this situation.

Welcome to MB's, you will find help here.

mcp39,
I'm so sorry you're here -- because I'm so sorry you're in this situation, but it's a great place to come for help. I'm not one of the knowledgeable posters here and I haven't followed the plans exactly, but I believe that they can definitely save marriages.

Have you exposed the A? Do your family members, his family members, her family members and other important people know? That's one thing that seems to be missing in your post -- it's part of Plan A.

Otherwise I'm not sure what to advise. People much more knowledgeable than I can and I hope will advise you, so hang in there. I wish you luck in your crappy situation. I hope things work out -- especially for your kids' sakes.

Take Care,

Dulce

Thank you both for your encouragement. Here's some background to both of your questions.

My relationship with H ... we have the usual "problems", we don't fight, except maybe about money every once in awhile. But not ever knock down drag out screaming and yelling. We just never have. We are together 22 years, married for 7. I love him for who he is and have never tried to change him. Our marriage was perhaps a bit bland prior to the affair. He says it was just going through the motions. I stopped doing the things I always did for him... special little gifts, just because .. making his lunch for work every day .... grocery shopping with his likes/dislikes always in mind. I'd done it for 21 years, and never got "boo" out of him, so I didn't think it mattered. Well, apparently it did. Our sex life has had its ups and downs, a lot more ups than downs. And when I knew this A started a year ago, I should have confronted him and we should have worked through it then. I waited too long. I am not blaming myself by any means, he should have communicated with me what needs he was lacking, before finding them somewhere else.

His friends knew about the affair, before I did. He took OW to their house for dinner, which made them feel extremely uncomfortable, as they are OUR friends. He has told his father that he's expecting a baby, so his father knows too. He doesn't have contact with my family, so I feel it's best that they don't know yet. And he doesn't have contact with his brothers/sister since the passing of his mother 4 years ago. So, what else can I do? They work together, so everyone at their work knows about it too. And she's obviously pregnant, so they know that too.

I hope this sheds some light on the situation. He won't stop seeing her, I've asked him if he would, and he's said no. He doesn't know why he hasn't left yet, he doesn't know if he'd be happier with her. He just has no answers.

Okay ... I haven't been here in awhile, but am coming back for some help. Here's an update on my situation ... WH has said at least half a dozen times over the last 2 months, that he's leaving. That he needs to try things with OW for the sake of the baby .. blah blah blah. However, he has yet to physically leave. He's said he has too many doubts, he isn't ready to give up what we have, blah blah blah. Well, it appears that he's ready to go. That he will have the conversation with the COM and move out at the end of this week. I am prepared for that to happen, in fact, I am encouraging it. He will not end A with OW. He has said that he knows this will fail. And that he can't explain his need to do it anyway. It is HIS choice, I am not forcing him to leave. I am requesting he end the A if he chooses to stay. That said, I am asking for help on what to do next. I was led back here from another site by faithful follower. She said you can help me orchestrate a good plan B. So I am asking for any help you can give.

BS (me) 39
WH (him) 40
COM 3 ages 20, 16, and 12
Married 22 years

Kick his [censored] to the curb. (no LBing, DJing but firm and to the point about your expectations for reconciliation) Let him go and experience first hand living with this woman day in and day out and let's see if its the little fantasy they had while she was getting pregnant.

Have you exposed to everyone (his family, work, her family, is she married, etc).

Read about Plan B's. There are several on here doing excellent Plan B's from which you can learn.

MCP, I think you are about ready for plan B. You need to be sure you have support in order for your COM and an intermdiary for any urgent communication regarding the children. You also need to be sure that your bills can be paid without having to have any C with your WH. It is time to let him experience fully OW meeting his EN's.

Affair has been exposed. She was married at the start, but has since got D. They work together, and she's obviously pregnant, so work knows. Friends/family also know. Most of these people knew before I did.

Plan B is going to become your lifesaver

do not lie to your kids
tell them everything they need to know so they do not think this is their fault
let the infidel carry the blame and the guilt, not your kids


CLICK HERE ~~~>Plan B Info

Pep

I do have a question ... I am prepared to go to Plan B ... I need to make sure he's going to sign the seperation agreement I wrote up, but I suspect he will. There are a couple other financial things we're trying to get cleaned up that will require me to see him. Now for my question...If he in fact moves out this weekend, do I continue with Plan A until I have everything situated? I can't start plan B and then have to see him right?

2nd question ... what if he decides moving out isn't the best thing to do? What is my other option?

Get that agreement signed!!! And as quickly as possible. My WH and I had an agreement that he wrote up and then refused to sign. Your most important chore right now is getting him to sign it.

I need to make sure he's going to sign the seperation agreement I wrote up, but I suspect he will.

get him to sign it using any legal means

There are a couple other financial things we're trying to get cleaned up that will require me to see him.

if you begin Plan B and MUST have contact, do it with someone present as a witness

Now for my question...If he in fact moves out this weekend, do I continue with Plan A until I have everything situated?

I'd say yes ..but don't go out of your way to meet his needs ... just be as pleasant as possible

I can't start plan B and then have to see him right?

it's best if you don't
however, in case of an emergency, you might end up needing to see him (like a really serious child issue such as hospitilization)


2nd question ... what if he decides moving out isn't the best thing to do? What is my other option?

[b]Expose him daily to the torment he is inflicting on you and the family ...

this might mean saying in front of the kids (they are old enough by the way)

"Your continued affair with (name) is breaking my heart. I want you to move out so I will not hurt so much. You're being here while having your affair with (name) is KILLING me. Please go."

and stop doing anything for him
no cooking
no laundry
nada

Pep

mcp39,

I would suggest staying in Plan A until you get LSA in place. I'm in Plan B and JUST TODAY, got a call from my lawyer about FINALLY reviewing changes my WH and lawyer suggested to the LSA (4 months after I starting the ball rolling).

It's really a good time for you to institute a good Plan B. Really let WH live out this mess on his own. Plan B is really the safest place for you right now. My Plan B came at a time when I knew nothing was going to change in WH's behavior, whether he was with another woman or not. I'm really just preparing for Divorce at this point. You may have a chance to save your marriage. You are still fighting an A!

If he doesn't see moving out as his best option, the question needs to be what are YOU prepared to do, what boundaries are you ready to enforce? BTW, when do you actually think any WS sees moving out as THEIR best option? He would rather have both of you... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

So, in closing, LSA signed, and when he moves out DARK Plan B.

EGG ZAK LEE

Pep

Okay ... you've all been so helpful. And Pepper .. WOW all the information on the Plan B thread was fabulous. I'm reading a little every day and trying to let it soak in.

Here's another question .... When do I give him the Plan B letter? and do I do a copy for the OW?

MCP, what is the status on his moving out? Has he spoken to the kids yet?

Hasn't said a word since he and I spoke on Sunday about moving out. We were waiting to tell the kids until just before he left. Today is DS's birthday, and he didn't want DS to have that association with his dad's leaving.

Life at home is "normal" ... it's only after he sees her that he has these strong feelings to move out. He needs to move out for me as much as for himself.

I am going crazy here. We haven't discussed anything more about him moving out. I don't know if he still is planning to or not. I don't want him to feel like I'm pressuring him into moving out. I want it to be completely his choice. Yet I feel that if I bring it up, he will think that I want him gone, that I am kicking him out. How do I get a definite answer from him? He is home every night, so his attitude is always that home is where he wants to be. Yet, after he spends any time with OW, his attitude is that with her is where he wants to be. It's drivin' me nutz!!! I know she is putting the pressure on him, that she's telling him what to do. And I can't believe he's listening to her, he's never in his life let anyone control him like that. It's baffling to me!!!!!

And what about intimacy between him and I? What are the "rules" concerning that? We've always had a pretty active sex life, and it's actually better these last couple months than it's been in a long time. Maybe because my attitude is different. Is that normal? I know that if he moves out, and I go to Plan B .... this is out of the question and I'm okay with that. But what about while we're still in Plan A? I don't really ever hear anyone discuss this point and was curious.

I have another question ....

When I go plan B... our son is active in sports. How do I handle us both being there to watch him? I don't know if WH will want to attend all his events (he hasn't always in the past), but he will want to attend as many as he can.

Any advice/help/suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

I've changed the title of my thread ... to perhaps get more thoughts on my situation.

WH has said numerous times that he's going to move out and move in with OW. That he "thinks" he needs to try with her for the sake of the OC (she is due in March).

But ...... he hasn't left. He's made no attempts to leave. And I'm not complaining ... just confused. If he wants to be with her, why isn't he, and why over the last year hasn't he left me. I am doing a fabulous plan A (if I do say so myself) ... and he has noticed. But whenever he has spent time with her, his attitude changes. So I know she is laying the pressure/guilt on him big time. Then after a day or two at home, he settles in. He is home every night/day. He does spend time with her on the weekend for a day or so.

You can read the rest of the posts here to see what has been going on and my questions/concerns.

Thanks