I am not allowed to go anywhere unless my 8 yr old son is with me because since i had an affair he thinks i am still doing it. He goes thru every phone in the house redialing it to see if i called anyone. He checks my cellular phone. Today he is blaming me for a lot of others i havn't done. We get to argueing bad and he stormes out of here. He has been gone for over an hour. I am here trying to help my son with his home work. When he hurt me years ago i still had to tend to my son which he was 6 months old at the time. He can just take off whenever he wants to but i have to tend our son ans his homework. He want answer his phone. He is very hostile. I know he has the right too but he is calling me names in from of our 8 yr old. BAD NAMES! I don't want my son to hear all this. He doesn't care. I don't know how much more i can take of the name calling. On top of this, i havne't talked to the guy i had an affair with for over 3 weeks when we got caught. I broke it off 2 days after being caught. I told this guy to go work things out with his wife. He had already left her for me but she didn't know whyhe had left. Anyway i am angry at him in a way. I know it takes 2 but he came on to me first. He kept on and now my marriage is ruined while he went back to his wife and she took him back with loving arms. Makes me sick! She doesn't even ask any questions, just takes him right back while mine is completely a mess. I get punished bad and nothing for him. Ok maybe i am being selfish but its just one of those days. Where do i go from here? I see my councelor on the 26th.
I asked him could he leave for a couple of days but then he thinks i want him to leave so i can be with the other guy. I havent even talked to the other guy. Thinking back my hubby always tried to control me. ALWAYS!!! When i graduated from school i got this job with graphics and it was more men than women, he told me that i was not working there, i told him i was too and i did but we got into a huge arguement. He didn't want me hanging around with my friends and it was one girl i hung around with and one day after college he saw me ride by with her and he got mad and furious that he was pushing me around. Then after we got married, he didn't like me going to college because he was worried i might cheat on him. His first love cheated on him really bad so he thought i was. So after college i worked for my parents trucking company until i could find a job, i found a job and my husband didn't want me working there because of the other men, i went to work there anyway but got pregnant with our first child 2 months after. He was not planned but what a joy he is. I love my son. My husband would make comments that it was kind of funny i got pregnant soon as i started working there. Assuming that it was someone elses child. Over the years he never wanted me doing anything with my friends but he could go hang out with his. I stayed home taking care of our son. I asked him one night if i could go with a friend on a Thursday night to see a movie and i would come straight back. He told me i couldn't go at night but i could go on a Saturday afternoon. My friend couldn't go Saturday because she didn't have a babysitter. My husband would work half a day on Saturday and then go hang out at a friends house helping them do stuff. I could go shopping with a friend on a Saturday afternoon but i always had my son with me except one time. After my son was born I went back to work for my parents so i could have my son with me. Now he is older and is in school and i wanted to do something else with my life but my husband don't want me working anywhere else except for my parents. I went to work at a law office and he was accussing of messing with the lawyer. So i quit. I just went to real estate school and i need to go take my state exam but now he is telling me he don't want me to do it because i might mess around with someone else again. My husband drives a truck. He is home every night but i don't know what he does or who he sees during the day and when he got caught for pulling over to talk to a pretend cop prostitute, icould of told him he couldn't drive a truck anymore but i didn't. I just feel so depressed. Don't know if things will work out with husband. My councelor told me my husband was controling. Maybe i do deserve all this because i am a horrible person

What are you doing to rebuild the trust you destroyed in your marriage? Are you giving him all your passwords, opening up your cell phone bill and accounting for every minute away from him? Are you answering every question he has about your affair?

Would you send the OM a no contact letter telling him that your affair was mistake and to never call you again? It will take lots of hard work to restore trust and repair the damage done by your affair but that would be a good first step.

In the meantime, I can understand why your H is furious. Adultery is the equivalent of being RAPED. He should not be calling you names in front of your son, of course.

Does he want to stay in the marriage? Will he come here and talk to us?

From Penalty Kill - a FWW

First, do you love your H? Do you want to remain married to him? You need to answer those questions honestly. I'm kind of unclear about how you feel about him.

I find it very interesting that your H exhibited extreme jealousy where you were concerned while at the same time he was "talking to" what he thought was a prostitute. I think that you need to explore whether he has been faithful or not. My guess (and it is just a guess) is that he has not, and has been projecting onto you. That is very often the case with hyper-possesive people. At the very least, his boundaries need some tightening up. Faithful men do not "talk" to prostitutes. They give them a wide berth.

If your marriage is to work, you both need to examine your relationship honestly and together. You both have serious issues. For one thing, who cares if he looks at your cell phone? Both of you should have access to each others phones. Same goes for email. He's entitled to see who you are talking to. He's your husband.

I'm getting the feeling that I may be hearing only part of the truth from you....so what if your husband doesn't want you to go out on Saturday night without him? Why not do something together as a FAMILY on Saturday night rather than go out with a girlfriend? If your goal is to remain married (and I'm not sure that it is) then don't go out with girlfriends....for now. And if you do, go out with girlfriends who have children, so it's no hardship to bring your son.

Where is makeverydaycount when I need him? Would you please stop pitying yourself? This horrible person business is ridiculous. Does your son deserve a horrible person for a mother? Of course not. He deserves someone who can face the consequences of her actions. So get it together. Let your husband see your cell phone. Both of you get into counseling together. Do things together as a family.

Bottom line is you can't change him, you can only change yourself.

NO u got it all wrong. I do not go out on Saturday nights with my friends. The last time i went anywhere with a friend was almost 2 yrs ago shopping on a saturday afternoon. I wanted to go see a chic flick with a friend after work and he wouldn't let me. He didn't want to go watch the movie with me because he hates to watch movies. He does see my cellular phone and he does get my bill. I do love my husband but i don't like him being so controlling. I can't do anything. I know i messed up but i feel like he messed up too which mine was worse than his but still be both messed up. He says he doesn't think Iam telling him he truth about everything i have done but how do i know he is after what he did.

If you think your H is a controller (in a way we all our, but he might have an extra bad case) you can learn to mirror all his critical sounding statements. This protects you from what sounds like an order while letting him hear what he sounds like.

Learn how much distress and chaos is causing you H's controlling behavior. You need to help him build a place of peace without obeying and then rebelling or arguing. Ask your counselor to teach you the techniques.

From Penalty Kill

shehelp, thanks for clarifying.

Your H does sound controlling, but the A has messed with his mind and he's now not operating at full capacity. You have to give him some time to process this. His greatest fear has come true - you've stepped out on him. And it sounds as though he feels that there's more to your A than you admitted. Possible?

You need to be completely honest with him, if you have not already done so. Is your OM completely out of the picture? If he's not, that is only going to play upon your H's fears. I don't know the circumstances of your A.

Now you state basically that you don't trust your H. Well, frankly he doesn't sound very trustworthy to me. He needs to open up his life to you, and you need to be proactive about checking up on him.

I will reiterate that the best way to recover a marriage is to do things together. Right now one thing you both should look into is some joint counseling. And Pieta is quite correct, you should be asking your IC about ways to deal with your H's AOs (angry outbursts).

Personally, I found that walking out of the room is a good strategy. You're under no obligation to listen to someone call you names. Now, if your H wants to discuss how your A hurt him in a rational fashion, you *are* obligated to hear his pain. It's all in the delivery. But you owe him this, without pitying yourself. Trust me, it does pass.

I'm glad to hear that you love your H. It's a good start.

Penaltybox,

I'm a little confused. Most definitely Shelpdepressed made HUGE mistakes and needs to take care of that. She absolutely needs to do her part in repairing and making this marriage work. But HE seems like he's got some major control issues -- and always has -- not just since the A "messed with his mind and he's not operating on full capacity." Seems to me that no matter how much she loves him and does her part -- no matter how perfect she is -- he still has issues that will HAVE to be dealt with for this marriage to work.

Shelpdepressed, is your H willing to go to MC? You said you were going to IC and I say good for you -- that's definitely a step in the right direction. But is H also receiving counseling? Either MC or even better IC for him as well would be my personal recommendation. I'm no expert and I may get slammed for this, but I think you can only do so much. On the other hand, I say definitely do what you can. Maybe your changes will help him too, but please see if you can get him into counseling too. I'm so sorry for your situation, it sounds rough. But you ARE doing the right thing to cut it off completely and permanently (the nc letter would be a good way to help prove how serious you are). Keep doing what you can do, get help from those around you who will support you doing the right thing and good luck. I know you can do it and I know -- no matter what the outcome as far as your marriage goes -- it will be worth it to make the right choices.

Dulce

From Penalty Kill

Dulce, part of the problem with a message board like this is that we generally hear only one side of the story. Shehelp's H is not here to explain how he is feeling/acting throughout this entire ordeal.

So I have to go on what I read. And I did say that they both had problems and should go to MC. I'm certainly not ignoring certain warning signs. Go read my first post.

But here's what I see when I read shehelp's last post:


She can't do anything ? Sounds a little melodramatic to me. But ok.


A bit of deflection going on here. Where's the self-examination on shehelp's part? All I'm hearing is well, yes, I was wrong, but what my H did was wrong too...no reasons why she strayed other than what her H did. Hey, look at him! And we all know that you don't have an A because of what your spouse is doing. Maybe you are unhappy because of what your spouse is doing. But you have an A because of what *you* do.


Again, it's all about what he's done, or to be more accurate, possibly done. What has shehelp done to show that she is telling the truth? It's just more deflection.

Look, in any marriage both need to work. But where an A has taken place, the FWS needs to look at WHY there was an A. And the answer to that question does not lie with the BS. It lies with the FWS.

Just MHO.

Hey Dulce,

Here is a little food for thought. Anytime you hear anything everything never always etc... these are flags of WS fog. Are you still a foggy WS? Sure sounds like it.

As for controlling and "I can't do anything!" Sounds like my FWW at her foggiest. It took forever for me to get her to understand that single male friends were a bad thing for our M. So I got the you are so controlling because she wanted to go do things that would bring her into close contact with many single males. This is never a good idea. Because I always objected she began the "You are so controlling" thing. My response to that is I am trying to protect our M and F. In my eyes until I hear a specific accusation of controlling behavior it is Bu77Sh17!

Great response PK!

You aren't able to do anything but were able to commit adultery? Was it the mailman?

I'm with Mojodiva here. If your H is as controlling as you say, and does not 'permit' you to go out, how did you manage to have an affair? How did you manage to encounter an affair partner, make regular contact with him, and - especially - have intercourse with him?

Why have you asked your H to 'leave for a couple of days'? What do you think that would accomplish? Is it so you could be with the OM?

If your H is as possessive, violent and domineering as you say, why didn't you leave him long ago? You seem to have family and a safety net.

TA

***********EDIT**********

I don't think anyone is being even the slightest bit empathetic towards this poor girl. Yeah - She screwed up. Let him without sin cast the first stone. I can tell you right now, she is putting up with alot more than I would. If her affair is a deal breaker for him then so be it. But verbal abuse in front of my kids is a deal breaker for me and if he can't control himself enough to deal with his anger in a way that doesn't damage his own son then he's not worth it. The children come first in my book. He needs to realize that he is only pushing her away. He needs to decide if he does or does not want this marriage to work - and then he needs to get some help dealing with his own issues because I wouldn't put up with that crap for two seconds flat - regardless of what I've done in the past. Everything from this point on needs to be helpful, not hurtful and I think she is doing her part in that.

Dulce and Sherri I can't agree more with your posts. It is obvious that her husband has been emotionally, verbally and physically abusing her long before the affair. It does not excuse the affair but I can see how inviting it is to feel safe and accepted by someone when your husband it beating you down in all ways. It doesn't sound like anything she does is going to be good enough for her husband and he definetly needs help and asap. Shelp has already recognized she needs help her husband is placing all the blame on her long before the affair. I highly doubt he was just joking when he tried to pick up the prostitute. (from her other post) Pleeze

Her husband sounds like the classic case I control you, you do whaterer I say and ME well I can do whatever da heck I want including picking up a prostitute. You are a nobody and lucky to have me. I think her husband has cheated on her and is not taking out his guilt and frustration out on her rather then taking repsonsibility for his own actions and faults.

Hugs Shelp hang in there and get yourself help and go from there. Under no circumstances does your husband need to abuse you the way he has been.

Shawn

*********EDIT*********

This woman obviously is in some kind of fog, yet you believe her and accuse her H of the most foul of charges "Being CONTROLLING!"

So, if he is so controlling how did she manage to ***** another man??? If he indeed did have her on a very tight leash as you seem to believe, HOW DID SHE DO IT??? Did she knaw through her neck? Knaw off a leg???

Did he make her watch SAW to learn how to saw off the body part that was chained to the floor??? Curious minds want to know!

*******EDIT*********. I just happen to be new to the board. I know Shelp from another board so I am familiar with her story. There are women out there that are truly abused my their husbands and I don't think by beating her up anymore is helping her. She has said numerous times she has made a huge mistake, she is willing to get help, do whatever her husband needs but that doesn't make it right for him to verbal, emotionally or physically abuse her. He has hit her before, before the affair, he has even threatened to kill her.

Neither I, nor Sheri or Dulce excused what she did in anyway .************EDIT********

I take you it you can only have one opinion on this board to belong and if it is not inline with yours then we can just leave. I thought we where all here to help each other thru diffucult times.

I must be in the wrong place, because this christian, man loving, wanting to help both the wife and husband in this deal is not welcome here. Thanks for the welcome.

From Penalty Kill

This thread is becoming very sad. And I will say again: we are hearing only one side.

Firm, you have the advantage of knowing shelp's story from another board. We do not. Shelp also mentions the fact that she sees an IC. Presumably the IC knows shelp's situation in its entirety.

What does the IC say about shelp's H hitting her? She says that her IC says that her H is "controlling". That's a very broad term, and a far cry from, say, "abusive".

Not for a minute do I believe that her H is trustworthy. In fact, if he propositioned a fake prostitute, he has probably tried the same thing with real ones, and shelp should get tested for STDs.

I"m not going to pillory someone for having an A (because I did too) but there are many things about shelp's situation that strike me as a bit off.

Shelp, if your H has raised his hand to you, you should leave for a safe haven for you and your child. If he is physically abusive he should, at minimum get into an anger management program. But you can't make him do this, you can only make him WANT to.

And I must wonder at the *incredibly* self-destructive tendency of a woman who is with an abusive man....and rather than leave him, has an affair with his best friend.

And you know what, firm? It's not enough to say "Oh, I was wrong I had an affair". You have to figure out WHY. Shelp has a boatload of WHYs to figure out if she is going to have a chance at a good life.

I think shelp is as much a danger to herself as her H is to her. I don't see an ounce of introspection on her part - all the focus has been on her evil H....and oh, yeah, she was wrong to have an affair, but...