I need advice from all parties. I'm freaking out very hurt and confused I feel like i'm trapped with nowhere to turn

Ok, these are the facts and a bit of history
My b/f and I have been together for three years now both of us 25-26 years of age
he has two children by different women none of which are mine. (although I'm possibly pregnant) His daughter (age 3 in Alabama) he pays child support for and his son (age 5 In Georgia) he doesnt. for a strange reason the mother of his son won't put him on child support and he won't put himself on it We've recently moved from Alabama to another state (where i own a house) away from both children and mothers to supposedly get "us " and make a future together so he says. Neither of us presently have family where we currently live.
I've always had a feeling that he was still in love with the mother of his son they were engaged back when they were younger and over the course of the years I have actually broken up with him just to see if he would go back to her but he didn't. I've told him if that's who he choses then he has that right. I've almost encouraged him to be with her but he won't leave me. He was in the situation of moving here with me or going back to his life with her and his job which was a great job. I know for a fact that she wants him back but he chose to move with me. He claims to have no feelings whatsoever for either of his children's mothers' and he claims to want to spend the rest of his life with me, even is going as far as linking and setting up accounts and future investments ie retirement plans etc.but doesn't want marriage. He currently is the major source of income in our household.
BUT THEN I started finding letters that he had been hiding written to the mother of his son about 1 month ago

These are the letters copied verbatim.

(Letter 1 dated approximately a month ago and sent off two weeks ago)

Dear Sue,
I'm just writing this letter to you to let you know that this will be my last letter to you. You have to understand that there are things that i must do now in order to get closure. But for you to not let me speak to my own son is wrong. I love you(Bye Sue). You have been my first in so many ways. You have given me so much you have given me my very own son. But I guess i'll say it like you said to me in your last letter written we wouldn't work out but maybe someday we will. I doubt it. So i will be the first to say that I will miss you baby and maybe one day we can start over when we get ourselves together. Love John Sr.

After this letter was sent he was able to speak to his son. During this time I did not tell him that I found the letter instead I told him that I knew he was talking to her and out of respect for me and my feelings the only thing that should be discussed between the two of them is his child. Nothing more.
I was going through a box of cards that was put up in another room and I found:

(Letter 2 dated 2 weeks ago and sent yesterday)

Dear Sue,
I know that I said that the letter I wote was the last letter to you but i can't turn my back on you even though you did it to me. From the first time in the movies until now I still love you just like I did so long ago. I feel that now i should love you just like I am now and not try to get back because of all the wrong I've done. I'm just not ready to have anyone in my life right now and i dont know if you have someone in yours or not but the only woman I have in my life is Katie (his daughter from the other relationship.) I will be starting a new job on Oct 12 and working part time hours at another job. It just like my old job when I was there with you so i will be sending John Jr. something every week. I can't lie even after all these years I still love you like we are still together. I can't even commit to anyone else because of you but i know it wouldnt work between us either. Now God has given me a second chance at life to save my self and now I don't have time to be hanging with the fella's anymore or anything like that i guess you can say i've grown up alot. As for John Jr. I will tell you and make sure that I tell him when i see him that i will always be there for him unlike my Father who wasn't for me. To John Jr. Hey buddy how are you i know you're getting big and I will have something to give to you the next time I see you, but that won't be any time soon.
Love always
John Sr.


Help!!!!!I would appreciate womens opinions should I confront him beings though he purposely hid the letters. What would you do. I don't think I wanna end it just yet but instead want to have an effective way of solving the problem or maybe planning a strategy so i won't be left with all of the bills and no job.
I would also appreciate mens comments on maybe an interpretation of what exactly is going through his mind.
I want to leave but I can't do that now cause as i said he is the one handling all of the bills I dont exactly get why he would move to another state when he's had plenty of opportunities to go back to her. I know now that I do need to get a job ASAP and move on with my life but reality check is until then I have to depend greatly on him for the bills. I don't have any family that would help because i myself come from an abusive childhood therefore I have no contact with my parents. Its hard to even look at him without getting teary eyed because I honestly love him and I have stuck it out this long. He knows that something is wrong but I haven't confronted him yet because I'm trying to figure out an approach.I'm emotionaaly drained at this point. Any advice on how to co exist with this man until I get myself together. what approach should I use when I confront him.

HELP. he wrote a letter to his ex (very long and detailed) multiple choice

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Part of me hopes for you, that you are not pregnant; if you are not, this is an excellent opportunity to get away from this man and just realize that you've dodged a bullet --- you could be discovering this after 5 years of marriage -- and how would you feel then?

When I met my husband, he was COMPLETELY over his ex. I couldn't have tolerated it any other way; I would have WALKED.

A marriage takes TWO -- if there is a third person in there, one person has to go. If it can't be ex, then it's got to be you.

You deserve soooo much better, and you're so young -- you have much time to fine a man worthy of you.

This man doesn't seem to know WHAT he wants -- do you want to put up with that?

Im sorry this must be devastating. I don't think staying with him for financial purposes is a good reason. I know it may seem like you have nothing.. but i do not think this guy has anything to offer you at this point. Not once in the letter did he mention you or anything about him being in a relationship... he blatantly denied it like you don't even exist. I think the sooner you find a way out the better!

I have also known guys like this and he could also be writing that to her just to get some kind of emotional attention. Attention -- guys feed off of it and i wouldnt doubt if there was actually meaning behind his words...but you never know.

I would like to read a males perspective on this as well...bc at this point you don't really know what’s going through his head. He is acting like everything is fine with you and is trying to make a future... but he has not let go of his past. I understand children are involved and they will always need some sort of contact... but he is using that as a resource to get closer with her and regain some kind of emotional satisfaction.

In any case this is very disturbing and extremely inappropriate! i wouldn't give him the time of day...but you need to confront him and get a reasonable explanation for his so-called feelings as illustrated in his letters.

I hope you can find some kind of peace in moving on without him and I hope he respects you enough to be fair to you and give you a proper explanation and NOT just an excuse for his deciet. Again im sorry you have to deal with this. Take care.

Sorry to tell you this so bluntly but he is "IN LOVE" with her. And as hard as it is to tell him this you have to... (with current situation and all) you need to tell him, "we need to seperate not because i dont love you but i need to make sure that all your feelings from your previous relationship are demolished and until then we cannot persue this any longer. I saw and read the letters to your ex and its not fair to me or to her to play games with the both of us like this.. its just too much for me to handle and i cant sit here and read this and believe the words from your mouth that you say you have no feelings for her when this says otherwise.. i am sor ry." I WOULD HONESTLY SAY THAT AND LEAVE IT BE AND END IT <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Do not stay with this man because of financial reason go to your state for help look for housing programs and heat and power assisance there may even be financial aid available to you.. usually state programs that i have been on have a program where they help you financially untill you are working 40hrs a week and financially stable.. try it..what can it hurt <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

My advice, be honest with YOURSELF first, come out of denial, get into counseling to deal with your own past abuse, which sounds like is fueling this desire to be in a relationship...no matter HOW BAD it is, just to feel loved and have a family. It is NOT healthy, not only for you and him but any possible children in your future.

The first healthy step you have made for yourself is in coming here seeking advice, continue to seek advice even if you go to a pastor of a church to seek help.

I can't help but laugh at his comments..I can't lie--after he has already LIED to her!! "there is no one else in his life??" That IS AN OUT AND OUT LIE!! So yes, he can lie to her, and to you at the same time..

"He has no feelings for her" Yet he's telling her he still loves her..an out and out lie to YOU!!

I realize you feel love towards this man, but love YOURSELF More and ask him to leave..yes, it will be difficult, but in the long term it will help YOU have more love and respect for yourself..YOU deserve that..

You deserve a man who loves YOU for you, not someone pining away for someone else while with you, and the only reason he's with you is because he can't be with her..

So please, for your own heart, end the relationship with him, do not get stuck in the "but I need him around for money" excuse, because in reality, thats what it is, an excuse, you can grow so much in your own life if you don't have this weight holding you down.

Based on income, you could apply for financial aide and go to college, get a degree, move on in your own life..

Something else you really need to think about too, he has told you he has no plans on getting married, IS that the kind of relationship YOU want to be in? With a BOY who has no desire to make a commitment to you? One who when things get tough will run to the next girl? One who will be writting YOU letters in the future telling you he still loves you, but just can't be with you? One who will put you in the exact same place he has placed this other woman???

Look at his actions, he is still a little boy refusing to grow up and be responsible. The only person he is thinking about is himself..and what HE is getting..Dr Harley has book that will help you understand people like him.."Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders" maybe one you should see about getting and reading??


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Truthfully, it sounds like this guy is still emotionally attach to his ex. Is that fair to you? No ! I hope that you are not pregnant and that you think really hard about wanting to spend the rest of your life with this guy. Or better yet , until he decides is time to go back to his ex wife. By the letters he wrote, he clearly stated that he can not commit to any women because of her and that just says he isnt really committed to you. I think he is there with you hoping that one day she will ask him to go back, if and when that happens sweety he is going to break your heart and leave. He is clearly lying to you about not having any feelilngs for his ex, you read the letters that he sent to her. The answers you are seeking for are there , written down. What more do you want to know? I know is hard, and even more when you have both moved far from family and now have a house and he pays the bills. To be honest with you , i rather struggle then have a man who isnt committed to me living with me. I would stress out , asking myself why? Are they talking about getting back? What's on his mind? Does he love me? Is he going to leave me and when? No one should go through that. You are young with no children , get out while you can. I'm so sorry to have to say all this but from a womens point of view i think your man is there because the ex doesnt want him yet. And that isn't fair to you at all. He is writting to her behind your back, confessing his love for her and doesnt care if he hurts you. Confront him with the letters and if he gets offended because you read them , tell him he should of never kept copies. Good luck and i hope everything falls into place for you.

If you aren't pregnant, I would walk. I'd go home to where my family lives and start over. You're younger than you realize, and you deserve someone who can devote his heart to you and only you.

If you aren't pregnant, set him free so that he can go back and help raise his children and possibly reconcile with his son's mother.

If you ARE pregnant, you're going to have to watch out for you and your child from a legal standpoint and do what you can to create a secure future for you and your child. That may still mean walking away and moving closer to your family and friends where you'll get some support.

Either way, it doesn't seem like you have his heart, unfortunately. Would you want to live like that?

Wow! Those are some pretty intense feelings he has for her. I know you must be hurting right now! The way I see it how can he truley love you if his heart still belongs with someone else. I know it is hard to hear but the way he expressed himself in those letters leads me to believe you are just second best to him and YOU DESERVE BETTER! You deserve to be number one ! Let him go and who knows maybe he will reallize that the grass is not greener on the other side and beg you for forgivness but I am guessing that if that were to happen you would not even want him back. If you are not his top priority he should not be yours. You feel trapped now but imagine how trapped you will feel if you stay! It will be hard but in the end what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger

Good luck