My wife is having an emotional affair with someone she met on the Internet. To make matters worse, he is a personal training coach, and she was his client.

Things got more involved and flirty as the months went on. Last weekend, she and her coach met IRL for the first time at a fitness show (as part of a group of people). I stayed home to watch the kids.

Since then, things got very heated. AFAIK, there was no PA, and I am reasonably sure of this, since I got suspicious, and read her emails. But there was definite EA going on, according to my understanding of the main criteria for it:

1. Greater emotinoal intimacy with OM than in marriage
2. Element of secrecy and deception
3. Sexual attraction between the parties

All three were present in their emails.

When I confronted her, I was very calm, as in, no angry outbursts, (which has been a problem for me), but I was still feeling very angry of course.

Per standard MB advice, I asked her if she still loved me, and wanted to work things out. She assured me that she did. I then told her I had only one condition - that all contact with her training coach must cease immediately. I also sent him an email to this effect.

She agreed to no personal contact, but asked if she could still train with him. Foolishly, I agreed. Then they immediately (as in, later that same night, and all the next night), switched over to another email account that I also knew about. In her exchanges with him, she said she was "not going to choose between us".

Some relevant background is that we are living in an apartment - we just sold our old house, and bought a new one in a new city 700 miles away. The original plan was for me to move up in a few weeks, then she come in a few months time with the 3 children once some time-delimited career stuff was finished.

Well, needless to say, that is no longer the plan. During the second series of email exchanges, she "jokingly" asked coach if he wanted to fly down and meet her when I was away. They then exhanged phone numbers.

At this point, I confronted about the second email. She said she "felt she had done nothing wrong", was "only joking around", and when I asked her why she concealed it if she felt she had done nothing wrong, she said, "I made her FEEL like she was doing something wrong, by reading her emails."

Sigh... so, after that, I reiterated, NO more contact with coach period, INCLUDING training, then sent him an email telling him he was fired.

NOW, she has resorted to text messaging on her phone. Tonight, she came home and took her purse into the bathroom, and she is not on her period right now. I later checked her phone logs, and sure enough, there were both calls and text messages.

Now, there is a *very* small possibility she is simply tapering off at this point - some drama occurred with another one of the coach's clients and her husband he was also involved with. My wife's phone logs indicate she called her, then coach, then her, then message, blah blah, etc. IOW, it was the *perfect* excuse to justify re-contacting him, because it "wasn't about us", I am sure.

What should I do at this point? I am considering taking the advice from one of the "what to do with a cheating wife" columns, and nicely ask her to leave, and tell her I will have no contact with her, until she truly agrees to cease all contact, and apologize for what she has done wrong. I really don't see how we can move forward without that. I have been *ridiculously* sweet to her since disovering all this. I am trying to acknowledge I am complicit in not meeting her EN's, but I don't have the type of personality I can do this for long if she won't break contact.

What should I do?

Have you exposed to the coach's work or is he self-employed as a coach? That sounds like a very unprofessional relationship between coach and client (who paid him anyway?). Is he married? Expose to his wife/family.

Read HN/HN (His Needs/Her Needs).
Not Just Friends
and anything else veterans her suggest.

He is self-employed, although I could definitely "out" him on the Internet for this. He is very well known on several bodybuilding/workout forums, and I know which ones - that is where he gets the majority of his clients. If I do that, it could be potentially devastating to his business. And yes, he is married. I do not have direct contact info for his wife, but I am sure I could obtain it. Is this something I should do? Is this recommended by MB?

And yes, "unprofessional" is pretty much the guys middle name. Kinda funny, (but not really), one of my wife's good friends from the board where they met is going through the same *exact* thing with him, at the same exact time. Her husband kicked her out two nights ago.

All right some tough love here. You are absolutely in denail. No contact is absolutely essential. By allowing her to remain in contact with him only fueled the affair. How could you not see this? If the roles were reversed do you think your wife would have told you it is acceptable for you to continue to be in contact with a woman you are lusting over?

Second, Marriagebuilders feels very strongly that you need to expose this affair to the OM's wife. Affairs grow by being secret. By doing nothing you are sending him a message it is acceptable to have an affair with your wife without consequences.

Thirdly, she has made it clear to you that she wants to have sex with this guy asking him to fly down and meet her. For you to believe that she was joking you would have to be deluding yourself.

There is an old saying that is applicable in your case which is: No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. She continues to lie and emotionally cheat on you. It will be a matter of time until she connects physically with this guy.

I would suggest that you contact an attorney to understand your options and inform your wife of this. This will probably be the shock she needs to get out of the fog. By the way you cannot make her leave the house if she refuses. The fact that she says she will not chose between you two says it all. Why should she be the only one who can choose? She is clearly disrespecting you and your marriage. She continues to do these things because their has been no consequences to her actions. Are you going to wait until she falls more in love with this guy and has sex with him?

If the roles were reversed do you think your wife would be so accepting as you? I suggest you read Love Must Be Tough by James Dobson. Your wife is a cake-eater. She wishes to remain married and have this lover on the side. This is unacceptable. She cannot have both and you should not be willing to share your wife on an emotional or physical level. When she realizes you will not accept this and she stands to lose everything then it will not be that difficult of a choice for her. Again contact the OM's wife. If the roles were reversed wouldn't you have wanted to be contacted to know what was going on? I wish you luck.

Hey... no problem with the tough love, I can take it.

Sorry if my OP made it sound like I'm in denial; I'm not. My wife is having an affair, period. I get that. Beleive me.

And I understand that having NC is essential. I've already confronted her about it twice. She's doing it a third time.

So what can I actually *do* about it? I mean, obviously, I can't FORCE her to stop, and obviously, she doesn't want to.

So, it seems like your reco is to confront her again, tell the OM's wife, and get an attorney. Do I have that right?

And as far as my "accepting" it, I thought PlanA/PlanB was for the cheated spouse to try to fill EN's for the first few months on A, before switching to B. Yes, I understand it makes things nearly impossible if she continues contact, but it's also my understanding that her behavior is very typical. To be clear, no one else I've spoken with regarding this feels as if she's done nothing wrong. '

I guess, I'm just trying to avoid a situation where I say, "don't contact him again, or else". Actually, I already did that on round #2, so if I confront her about this again without filing, I lose all credibility.

Hello again,

All I am saying is that if she refuses to stop seeing him then she has indeed made a choice. Again no consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. You continue to tell her that No Contact is essential and she continues to see the OM. Again what is the message that she is giving you and you are giving her?

Rewarding bad behavior will not result in her showing good behavior. Again if the roles were reversed do you honestly think you wife would continue to accept you seeing your lover on the side and rewarding you for this behavior? When a spouse continues to disrespect their partner in this way and the partner allows this to continue without consequences then the loss of respect intensifies. Why would you respect someone who allows you to humiliate and disrespect them. It is simply illogical.

Usually when a cheating spouse is caught they show great remorse and work their tail off the regain trust and respect from their spouse. When a spouse continues time and again to break no contact to continue to see their affair partner then the message is pretty clear. I suggested seeing a lawyer just to understand the various options you may wish to employ and also to send a message to your wife that you are quite serious. Right now she feels there really is no consequences to her actions and she if fact said she does not want to make a choice between her lover and you. When she realizes that you are serious my guess is that she stands a good chance of getting off the fence. Right now why should she?

Fool me once - shame on you
Fool me twice - shame on me
Fool me thrice - ???

So then, to be clear, are you saying to TELL her I am going to see an attorney?

No,
I am suggesting that you see the lawyer and understand all of the various options and opinions open to you first and then share this information with your wife. If you tell her that you are going to see a lawyer she may think that you are merely bluffing or see a lawyer herself first and then put you on the defensive. Bottom line see your lawyer first so you are clear on all the things you may or may not do and how to prepare yourself for her actions. Do not tip your hand until you have all of the information at hand on how to proceed. This is just my opinion.

Hi, you need to expose the affair in one fell swoop, to this guy's wife, to the couple with the wife also involved in an affair with him (the woman whose H. kicked her out), and through the internet. Keep your emails in a safe place as proof; not in the house or where your wife can find and destroy them.

Exposure will kill the affair. The sooner and the wider the exposure, the quicker the affair will end.

Speaking from personal experience, I didn't expose. Our marriage eroded into ashes. Our divorce should be final soon.

Look for examples of exposure letters on here. Draft one and the posters can help you clean it and tighten it up.

Good luck. A divorce will devastate your family.

Do you think I should tell her family as well? She greatly respects the opinion of her dad. I think if I tell him, it will devastate her, but I guess that is what she needs right now. It would certainly leave her "nowhere to hide", emotionally speaking.

I totally agree. Exposure is your best weapon. If you do not expose to her family and the OM's wife or girlfriend then you are in fact condoning the affair and enabling the affair to continue. Affairs exist by operating in the shawdows and darkness which allows a fantasy world to continue. By the day of light of exposure the cheating spouse is forced to confront their actions and suffer the consequences of their actions. In many ways it is like how you deal with a child who stole something from a store. You take them back and they have to acknowledge the wrongness of their action and suffer the consequences and hope to learn from the experience. Would you tell the child we will not talk about it and they continue to steal from the store time and again?

Telling the parents will be strong medicine and she will be very angry with you but it will increase the chances of her getting out of this fog. For gosh sakes she is your wife and you catch her cheating on you and she continues to cheat and humiliate and disrespect you, herself and your marriage and she tells you she will make a choice?. Enough is enough. You need to be proactive and expose, expose and expose. No consequences to their actions equals no motivation to change. Please remember this. I wish you luck.

Absolutely expose to her family. And the exposure should be done all at once, without warning her of your intentions or anyone else who might warn her. If her family would disapprove, their values will be a wonderful tool in destroying the affair. The exposure should mention that you love your wife, you want to protect your marriage and your family, and remember to keep profanity and swearing out of it.

State that you are fighting to save your marriage.

Ask for the help and support of co-workers and employers, ask for same plus prayers from family and church members. If you are active in a church, enlist the help of the pastor and the members.

Remove the secrecy, mystery and glamour from the whole thing. It will be revealed as it really is. A second rate fantasy. She will be mad as a hornets nest. That is standard reaction. Be calm. It will pass. She will say that the marriage is truly over now, she will never trust you again, and other trash. Stay calm.

Good luck.

Was this weekend event in Flint, MI by any chance??

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />MadlyDeeply, let's just say... YOU HAVE A PM COMING. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Erm... ok, maybe you don't. I guess private messages are disabled on this forum.

Short answer to your question: YES.

As you can imagine, I am VERY INTERESTED in talking with you more, lol. If you want, email me at [email]esk456@yahoo.com.[/email]