Hello all,

A quick summary:
My W and I have been married for the last 12 years. We have 2 kids, 5 and 2. Our relationship has been pretty strong, even after our two kids came along, we have always functioned quite well. Intimacy, been a rocky road at best. Before the last 2 years, she really didn't enjoy it too much. Once the last kid came, she got fixed, and all of a sudden she couldn't get enough of it. About a year ago, it quit, no explanation.

Eventually I became suspicious of this "friend" she had from work, found his number on the cell phone bill, many times. When I confronter her on it, I got the "we're just friends thing, even called him with me there and said to his email... haha my husband thinks we are having sex... isnt that funny. I acted to let it go, for the sake of trying to get her to drop her guard. I caught her in a few lies, always involving him in some manner, either saying her and a girlfriend were going out for drinks, or lying and saying someone completely different was on the phone when I know better. Recently, maybe a month ago, she started going out with "friends", which honestly is something she has never really done. Reluctantly, I agreed to let her go, but had to stay home and watch the kids.I learned the following mornings, they all involved him, and she was out very late.

I am summing up a lot of information, so this post won't be 4 pages long. I have snooped, a lot. I have done everything from watch who she calls, to snoop through her car, examine underwear for unusual stuff... all to almost to no avail.

Basically, my problem is that I have no real proof anything is going on, except my gut, and a half written note I accidently found in her purse. It stated


This hit me out of the blue. I have absolutely no idea what **** she was talking about. I was under the assumption that the letter was directed at me. She has gotten very cold towards me in the last few months. I have never hurt her in any way, honestly, I am at a loss for words. Either this was directed at me, or another man. It was written last week, and apparently was written to a friend of her, I suspect male, not my main suspect.

I want to confront her on it, she now suspects I know about it. I took the letter to mean that she is afraid of leaving me, and maybe even our kids. I suspect another man somewhere, but my problem is that I lack any evidence except the fact that every time she has gone out alone, with her friends, he has been involved somehow.

Would confronting her on something like this be the next logical step. I am very afraid she will walk out, and my biggest fear is that I drove her to it. I want to give her the option of leaving without any kind of fight, because I don't want her to feel she is trapped in a M because of that. I am a very non violent person, can't remember the last time I got violent, maybe a fight I had 25 years ago.

Is a confrontation the next logical step?

Any ideas?

Get a PI and get hard facts. Her Mantra is clearly to Deny, Deny, Deny.

Probability of affair is very high.

Welcome to MB - we can help you throught this nightmare.

If you confront, it is not likely she will confess. If you confront, she will simply work harder to cover her tracks. Do as much investigating as you can while her defenses are down. Keep in mind that many people don't even know that there is such a thing as an EA. The note you mention does seem to indicate that your W is physically afraid of you but you say you are non-violent. Why do you think she would believe she has to be afraid? Keep in mind that people in affairs often invent or embellish things to justify their behavior but sometimes there is a grain of truth as well.

Hi Kuky,

sorry you are here.

Strap on your seatbelt and get ready for a wild ride full of ups and downs, quick turns and gut-wrenching corners... of course isn't that what life is always like?

Generally when you have such a strong "gut" feeling, it is correct. Hopefully your gut is clueless, but let's go on the premise that it knows what it's talking about.

There are positives from this journey you are about to embark... the main one being that you will learn so much about yourself that you never knew before. You will question beliefs, feelings, and your past... you will change your perceptions, your ideals, and possibly your dreams. And you will probably find a strength you didn't know you had.

But I am getting ahead of myself.

BK and piojitos are correct... if you just confront, she will deny, may become more angry and distant, or put on an act and be more "loving" to fool you, and will go deeper into hiding. You need to be patient and find proof. Both for yourself and for future exposure when the time is right.

Does your W use email? Check the history for other email sites she may use (this is how I found out about my W). Some here can also give advice on keyloggers or recorders.

Snooping may seem like you are betraying your W... and there are lines that you may not want to cross... but this is your life and your children's lives that you are protecting. You need to know the truth so that steps can be made to help your family.

I read my W's diary and found some things in there I didn't like... I took crap from her and all her family members for "violating her privacy". I felt terrible and guilty... stopped snooping for a while, but later, when I found out the truth, I realized it was necessary and right to do so.

Keep posting here, there are many who will help you through this.

Patience

Shaden

Here are somethings you can do to dig out the truth:

1. hire a P.I. to tail her on her nights out

2. place a GPS in her car

3. put a voice activated recorder in her car

4. put a keylogger on her computer

5. put a tap on your phone at home if you think she is calling from there

The note does not surprise me at all. See, when married women have affairs they often paint their husbands as "abusers" in order to JUSTIFY their affair. They are not clear thinking gals, so the screwy logic goes something like this: my husband is mean to me, therefore I am entitled to have an affair. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Except, of course, if a husband truly IS "abusive" the last thing a wife would want to do is risk his ire and have an affair. DUH!

The others are right, though. Do not show your hand and do not make any accusations without evidence. She will just go underground. IF you can get the goods and get the truth out in the open, we can help you save your marriage. But you are stuck until that happens.

Here's the link to SPYING 101. <---------- Click here.

Get the fact about your life. Then confront with a plan you develope here.

Please email me at the address below as I'd like to share some things with you off-line. I likely won't respond until monday as most of my stuff is on my work computer and I'll be involved with watching and going to Detroit Tiger games all weekend.

You will make it.
Mr. Wondering

p.s. I should also point out that we have had WW's actually set their husbands up to appear abusive so they could get restraining orders against them and kick them out the house. Just watch your back. And whatever you do, don't leave your house to move out.

Well, I did it. I decided to just come out and confront the WW about the note. I created a very calm atmosphere, even popped some popcorn, and started the conversation, just saying I was concerned after reading the note. I was getting no where when asked if I was the subject of it, until she said "I wrote the note to myself". It wasn't until after I told her I didn't believe her, she started to get that blank look on her face, eyes teared up, when she confirmed it. They had physical contact in my jeep, as recent as 2 weeks ago. Honestly it didn't come as a shock to me, I kind of prepared myself for the absolute worst, lying, and all, but when she confirmed it, I was almost speechless.

I wanted to get us into counseling, and after mulching over that for a while, she agreed to try to seek some, but gave me the just didn't love me anymore speech. We talked for about 2 more hours, and honestly, I think she just wants out. I am unsure whether or not the OM is still involved, but I think that since she was being very honest, and I could tell from her long crying spells, she was honest when she said it was just a one time thing, and called the guy a one night stand kind of thing.

Ugh.

Kuky,

She is almost certainly lying about the full extent of her involvement. But you didn't listen when we said to get hard evidence so you probably won't listen now. The best thing you can do RIGHT NOW is to read the links in my signature.

Hold onto your hat and hang on. This ride sucks and you have no idea right now exactly how deep this rabbit borough is. The only thing you can be totally certain of is that your WS is lying and minimising the full extent of what she has done and who she is involved with. You have in all probability driven the affair further underground. Good Luck.

Isn't it enough that the admitted to it? I have to go and prove multiple accounts? The nature of this conversation I believe sincere, and honest. Basically what came up, once the A was copped to, she just wanted out of the marriage. I did get her to agree to try some counciling, but even after that, we both pretty much had our doubts a path like that would actually work out.

What can be saved if one of the 2 parties really, truly want out of the M?

Kuky:

You haven't read enough here to understand affairs, the mindset of a wayward wife (fog) or how to recover. It is possible, but not if you have a defeatist attitude and you are unwilling to learn - to seek knowledge so you have a better understanding.

You don't know enough about the affair. You don't know enough about the OM. You don't know enough about your wife. You lack knowledge, and education in how affairs work and how to handle them. You are trying to do this from your life's experience and that, simple put, isn't enough.

Here is a 2X4 up side your head - listen, learn and read your face off or lose your wife and kids. You are here seeking advice and help. So take it and use it.

Larry

OK..I will not be taken nicely here but just what have you read on this site? If your WW is in an affair you're wasting your time, money and resources. She "copped" to an A and what else do you need to know?

Is this man married? Have you exposed the A? You need to take chage if you ahve any hope here. So start reading..if your goal in coming here ws to find out your W is sleeping with someone else then you have met your goal...if it is to try and save your M you have a lot of work to do....so get to work...

You are certainly within your rights to throw in the towel and walk away, but you don't have to give up on your marriage. If you want to salvage this, we can help you do it if you are willing to do some work. Divorce is often much harder than recovering from an affair.

Kuky,

so you didn't listen about not confronting. Don't let that stop you from coming here and getting the help required. I didn't listen to all the advice, either... at first... and it just delayed getting to recovery.

It isn't over. You know some truth, so now you need to make a plan. The people here can help you. It is not just our own experience we have to offer, it is the combined experience of all and reading so many other situations which have either worked out well or soured. Every situation is different, but Affairs have very common foundations and plots to them. The advice given has been proven to work in many circumstances.

Mel is right... you are free to walk away. Noone on here will blame you for that. This is a very tough road you will be facing. But if you want your marriage, then it is possible to save.

As send me on my way said... Time to get to work.

Shaden

I agree that she is probably not telling you the extent of the affair. You need to do two things immediately. First, contact the OM's spouse or girlfriend and expose this immediately. Second, you need to be tested for STD's. I guarantee you that this is not the first time for the OM.

Counseling is essential of course. It also would not be a bad idea to contact an attorney to understand the various options availiable to you and how to protect yourself financially. If your wife really wants out she will talk to her girlfriends who will tell her to seek out legal advise on her own. How sad that she would settle for having sex in your jeep. How very classy. You are right that it takes two to save a marriage. It is important to understand why she gave herself permission to destroy her marriage and humiliate her husband this way. Hopefully counseling will provide you a roadmap for recovery if both of you are so intent. Again, expose to the OM's significant other, get tested for STD's and seek out an attorney to protect yourself and understand your options. I wish you luck.