It has been almost 7 months since my husband revealed his affair. He says that he was planning to leave me that day and was almost angry that I was so upset. He says that he thought that I didn't care--I had devoted myself to my children and work and left him in last place.

So...he developed a friendship with a co-worker who was suffering from lack of attention from her live in boyfriend. According to him she let him know that she was interested and he felt that we didn't have a marriage anymore so he went for it.

According to him they only had sex a few times but he became infactuated with her and cared about her. I have not been able to ask if he love(d) her.

Anyway- he works a part time job every other weekend in which he must come in contact with her occasionally. He loves the job and I don't want to force him to quit because I think it might cause resentment. This does however go against Dr. Harley's advise about breaking all contact.

He claims that they hardly speak--just business-and that he knew it wouldn't work out with her anyway.She is back w/ her boyfriend and my husband and I are getting along great.

I have my down times when I start thinking about the affair. I think it's like losing your virginity--you can't get it back.I can't get his faithfulness in our marriage back. He was faithful for 14 years and then messed up. It's almost like starting over. I have even thought about renewing our vows.

He blames me for the affair because of my "shutting him out". Even though I didn't feel that way. I did put him last and I know that was wrong.

My question is...Am I recovering or am I just in denial. I am happy when I am with him. The affair and the details(in which I don't know) remain in the back of my mind at all times, but to see me you would never know that I had experienced anything.

Have you read what Dr. Harley says about no contact? He doesn't say this becuase he is a Nervous Nellie, but because long experience has proven that affairs typically resume unless contact is ended.

I have been here for several years and we have numerous examples on this board of RESUMED affairs that stemmed from ignoring this advice. It can happen 1 yr or 5 yrs later, but it will probably happen again. Your H will stay in a state of perpetual withdrawal by maintaining contact.

It is like sending an alcoholic into the bar every day, putting a drink in front of him and expecting him to stay sober. He can never get that drink off his mind because he continually has to look at it, he stays obsessed. When the inevitable weak moment hits, he is drinking again. The affair happened in a moment of weakness before, and it can resume under the same circumstances.

The reason that Marriage Builders is so successful is because of this principle. No contact is ESSENTIAL to long term recovery and Dr. Harley understood this.

I am also concerned that you say you don't know the details of his affair? Why is that? Is he withholding facts from you about his affair? Because radical honesty is the first step in recovery.

Dr. Harley in Coping with Infidelity: Part 2
How Should Affairs End?


Never see or communicate with a former lover

Once an affair is first revealed, whether it's discovered or admitted, the victimized spouse is usually in a state of shock. The first reaction is usually panic, but it's quickly followed by anger. Divorce and sometimes even murder are contemplated. But after some time passes (usually about three weeks), most couples decide that they will try to pull together and save their marriage.

The one having an affair is in no position to bargain, but he or she usually tries anyway. The bargaining effort usually boils down to somehow keeping the lover in the loop. You'd think that the unfaithful spouse would be so aware of his or her weaknesses, and so aware of the pain inflicted, that every effort would be made to avoid further contact with the lover as an act of thoughtfulness to the stunned spouse. But instead, the unfaithful spouse argues that the relationship was "only sexual" or was "emotional but not sexual" or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay.

Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through ******. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity?

In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.

<snip>

We don't know if R.J. still sees his lover, but he says he has broken off all contact. In many cases where a person is still in town, that's hard to prove. But one thing's for sure, if he ever does see his lover, it will put him in a state of perpetual withdrawal from his addiction, and make the resolution of his marriage essentially impossible. In fact, one of the reasons he is not recovering after three months of separation may be that he is not being truthful about the separation.

Entire article at: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html


Mimi wrote: Check this out from the How to Survive an Affair chapter in HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS..one of my favorite pieces of reading material...

p. 177

...I have seen husbands build new and wonderful relationships with their wives but then go back to their lovers after five or six years of what appeared to be marital bliss. When I ask them why, they inevitably tell me they miss the woman terribly and still love her. At the same time they stoutly affirm they love their wives dearly and would not think of leaving them.

I believe a man like this has told the truth. He is hopelessly entangled and needs all the help possible to be kept away from his lover and stay faithful to his wife. I often recommend that a man once involved in an affair come in to see me every three to six months on an indefinite basis, just to talk about how things are going and to let me know how successfully he has stayed away from his lover. He must resign himself to a lifetime without her. HE MUST CERTAINLY NOT WORK WITH HIS FORMER LOVER AND SHOULD PROBABLY LIVE IN SOME OTHER CITY OR STATE. Even with those restrictions the desire for her company persists...

Thank you for your reply and I know that you are right. I just don't know how to approach him about quitting his part time job. He also says that he isn't going to give it up in case I start acting"stupid" again, He says that this job gives him an outlet. ...And.. I know it's another excuse, but she was supposed to quit a month ago--but hasn't.

I don't know all of the details of the affair because I am afraid of what I will hear.

ins, I don't think he will respect your boundaries if you don't. No contact is the least you can expect from him if you are willing to take him back. I would simply explain to him that you can't recover unless he quits the job and ends all contact. Staying in contact with his lover is profoundly disrespectful to you, not to mention damaging to your marriage.

Have you contacted her boyfriend and told him about the affair?

Her boyfriend knows--she told him before my husband told me. He kind of let me know that it was the reason why he revealed it to me. He said that he didn't want me to find out from someone else.

I am just afraid that he is going to get angry when I ask him to quit. He already says that I am being a controll freak--he says it in a joking way--but he means it.

We are getting along relly well and I know that this will cause him to "blow Up" at me. He will again start blaming me for the whole affair and I will end up wishing that I hadn't said anything at all. I try to convince myself that we are different that most couples going through this--but I know that I am just fooling myself.

He has told me a few times that they had contact--I try to look at it as him being honest and I even thank him for telling me. I don't know what to do--that's why I asked recovery or denial. Thanks

So you are willing to risk your marriage and forgo any chance at recovery because he might get mad? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> You understand that you are choosing to risk much, much more than some temporary anger by avoiding conflict, don't you? Conflict avoidance, such as this, actually causes MORE conflict.

Why are you so afraid of his anger that you are willing to sacrifice any and all boundaries, dear?

I am a very tender-hearted, calm, meek , quiet person. My husband is the total opposite. he is not or has never been abusive, so I am not afraid of him. However, he comes from a very disfunctional family and he also was left for another man by his first wife of 4 years. We dated off and on--mostly with him dating several girls and me--while I only dated him--for 5 years before getting married. Whenever we have a disagreement, I usually get quiet because I hate confrontation, while he on the other hand gets very angry--cursing and saying things like "just hang in there for a few more years and I will get my stuff and get out"--referring to when our children get older.

Later, after a few days of not speaking, we will make up. During this time though I have a sick nervous feeling in my stomach. I hate that feeling and I know that this will cause that. When he gets angry he says very hurtful things to me.

Even if I talk to him about quitting, I don't think he will. Then what should I do?

I see. So he uses his anger to manipulate you into sacrificing your boundaries? Why do you allow him to do this, ins?

If you are willing to sacrifice any boundaries just to keep the peace, are you also willing to live with the GRAVE consequences; ie: a resumed affair as usually happens? If you are willing to take that risk then I guess I am wasting my breath, aren't I?