Well, my wife of four years and I got into a serious fight. I kicked her out of the house, and then she threw a restraining order at me. On the day of the hearing for the order, she said she was getting a divorce, but tells me she wants to be friends. I told her that if she was going to divorce me I would only put up with her for the kid's sake.

Not even a week later, I ask her if I can go to a doctor visit with her that was for my daughter. She said that she didnt care. Next, she invites me over to watch some movies. As the night progresses, she decided that she didnt want to drive me home, and says that I can sleep on the couch. Now here is where I get confused as ******. I asked if I could share the bed with her, and she didnt refuse me. I told her if I did anything she didnt approve of, she could send me to the couch. I ended up spooning with her the whole night. The next morning we had a good chat like the night before, and then a small conflict around noon. I apologized, and she said that she still loved me but she was confused about what to do.

I dont want to push her any further, but I feel that if I just back off....she is going to let the divorce happen. I think she would be that way because she would have to eat some proverbial crow in front of her parents.

Any suggestions?

Kustom- Life is rarely cut and dried. I am sure she is ambivalent about the whole thing. How many kids do you have? How do YOU feel about staying married? I have seen many things on this forum and it is hard for me to understand, i.e. wives wanting to reconcile pregnant with other mens babies, etc. I think love must respect self as well as others. I think one must insist on a certain level of respcect for all concerned.

I agree. Unfortunatley, the way she is reacting to the whole thing makes me want to throw in the towel. She had a friend over, who was male, helping her fix her shower. She never bothered to call me (maybe it was because she needed it done and there was a restraining order in place), and the whole time I was there, i felt like I was just the baby-sitter and she was ignoring me. I got into a small argument with my mom over the whole thing and told her that she better find and hide the divorce papers beacause at the time I wouldnt even read them, I would just sign them. Im somewhat confused too, but I do know one thing. I just want the situation to be over with so I can move on, whether it is with or without her.

Kustom-
Never a good idea to try and go through things as fast as possible. You can be hurt very badly that way. I would just back off, watch your own interets and see what happens. I have done both and protecting yourself is preferable. You have a 4 year history with her and I am sure at least 50% of the problems in your relationship are yours (just I am a least responsible for at least 50% of mine). I have learned that one brings ones own baggage to relationships no matter how many realtionships you have. Would not hurt to get legal advice yourself. You are worth protecting.
johoman

Kustom- Another thought. Many people assume that their spouses feel this way or that. That can be very dangerous because that assumption can be VERY wrong. Assumptions got me in hot water many times in my life. The only safe assumption can be "anything can happen" and having your own ship as sea worthy as possible is the safest route.

Johoman

Your right. I am trying to take things for what they are, although with human nature, it is hard to do. I agree with getting legal rep for myself because she has mentioned full custody, and I would like to have joint. We have spent the last three days together and its wierd. I think that she is trying to test that we can be best friends before she drops the whole thing. On the same hand though, she feels that it is best in the end, not nessecarily for her, but for the kid's sake that we divorce. Thats what confuses me concidering the fact that both of us have went through a divorce as kids.

Kustom-
Right now your trust level is pretty low. Does she have a history of (or you for that matter) of cutting and runing at the first sign of trouble? Do you have one child? I think in one post you mentioned a daughter Having parent who divorced may make one try harder then again it mey make the person more apt to cut and run. Maybe when the dust settles no matter what happens if you did your best-- you can respect yourself. I think that is all one can do. Women, like men too, need care and feeding. Women I think tend to stray when their emotional needs are not being met and men when thier physical needs are not being met. Us men are not supposd to be emotional animals (but we are!).
Johoman

If by history, you mean infidelity, then the awnser is yes. It was a one thing time thing while we were dating and hasnt happend since. I only feel like I cant trust her because she has alot of male friends and I belive that one may try to move in on her. In that state she would find another, and out the door I go. We share two children, one three and the other will be 1 in december. The younger is the daughter that I mentioned. I just need to somehow dig out my insecurities, because as long as I am with her, I feel that everything is safe, untill I leave. Thanks for the information and talking with me about it. Also she has been through a divorce as a child where her mother got custody, and then she ran, I guess. I dont know the whole situation so im not going to make it any bigger or smaller than it is.

Kustom- No I meant just leaving the area when the going gets tough but infidelity can also figure in (in a BIG way)too!
You two have two kids to worry about. The Chinese have a proverb. It goes like this. Let your lover go and if she comes back to you you have a lover and if she doesn't come back you didn't have a lover in the first place. This is a tough call. You are the one on the front lines and only you can make that decision. If one of her male friends move in on her and she take him up on it that you have your answer. I guess you can't keep her chained to you she has to chose to be with you. Did you ever ask her what her needs are? Did you ever tell her your needs? If for some reason inside your self you can't trust her (and it has nothing to do with her behavior) then that baggage will go with you to whatever realtionships you have. That can't be good. I don't know how old you are but I am 60 and when I was in my early 20's I smothered my 1st wife, I couldn't trust her when she was out of my sight and she eventually dumped me. I learned that I have to trust. I still have "fool me once shame on you but fool me twice than shame on me" mentality but I see that groundless distrust is very destructive. You said there was one time of infedelity before you were married and you have had 4 years of a fatihful relatioship says something for your wife. I have read Relationship Rescue by Dr. Phil and he makes a lot of sense. Switching partners like trading cars is only spining your wheels. I have been married 26 years this time and oh boy the highs and lows but it is worth it. You have a 4 year history with this lady might as well give it your best shot and if that is not good enough you know you did your best and that is all you can do.

Johoman

Thanks for the advice, once again. I think I have figured out what some of the problems are. Well, what my problems are. I printed out the lovebuster and emotional needs questionaire's from this site. I have filled mine out, I am waiting on her to do the same. One thing that she said this morning hit home though. Throughout our marriage she felt like I treated her as "one of the guys." Romance has been a hard thing for me because as a person, I am afraid of being hurt. I dont think sending flowers would hurt, do you?

Kustom- Flower's wouldn't hurt. If you are lucky enough she will tell you her needs and you will tell yours to her. All one can do is the best he (or she) can. Being afraid of being hurt can interfere in a marraiage. But even in highly succesful marriage there is plenty of hurt to go around. Maybe the key is maintaining respect for each other.

johoman

I thank you for your advice, but our marriage is at an end. She has no patience for me, and I am sick of having my heart drug around. She has set a double standard for diciplining our children and treats me as if I were a disobedient child. She told me that our son was being unruly at day-care and she popped him in the mouth. I told her that if I found out that she hit our children again, I was informing DFS. (Its a child protection thing) She then got very upset. I dont blame her, but she always was telling me that I couldnt yell or spank the children. I dont have it in me to go any further with her and I have decided to completely withdraw. I belive that if our marriage means something to her, she will show some effort that she wants to change. I have done what she asked of me from the beggining. I was asked to go to counciling. I was asked to start taking my meds. I have done both of these, and she said herself that she would go to marriage counceling. I can only say one thing to this. Actions speak louder than words. What she says is that she is confused, but what she is doing says that she doesnt want me around her anymore.

Kustom- You are taking meds for what reason? Sometimes a partner can become the "identified patient" when in fact more pathlogy rests with the so called well partner. Maybe when the pedal meets the metal she will change or maybe not. If she does not you have your answer. How many kids do you have? Both my wife and I are retired psych RN's. Take my word for it there are a lot of strange people around (much more outside than inside). Sad as it sounds she may have someone on the side. Who knows. Are you separated yet? I have heard it said it is best to get a separation agreement before you move out.

johoman

My meds are for depression and hypothyroidism. Honestly, I dont know what is going on with her and I dont really care at this point. We have been separated for a month as of tomorrow. We have two kids together. My son is 3 and my daughter is 10 months old. Deep down I would like to see our relationship work out, but I cant think well of her because I feel so hurt over it. I dont like the idea of her having someone on the side, and if she does and wants to continue our relationship, then she is at a loss. I dont get that she wants to divorce me but remain friends. I belive that when you divorce, or vice versa, it is a statement that there is no love anymore. Basically, I feel that she is trying to present me with a giant middle finger. Hopefully she will go to our pastor for counceling. She says for personal reasons, but not for marriage. Good for her, because she really needs to grow up. Also could you explain a separation agreement? She also has told me that she isnt interested in a relationship with another man, and dosent want sex. So I wonder with all the new male friends she has aquired. She says she dosent like women friends because they are backstabbing (explitive deleted). Its a game of wait and see.