Okay, Our Daughter just turned 2, but we've already had at least a half dozen very intense arguments about private school v.s. public school.

My wife wants our daughter to go to the private school at our church. She has specifically made it very clear that is the only school she wants to send her to. This is a very expensive school (say $750-$1000 per month).

I on the other hand do not believe it makes economic sense for us to send her there (it's too much of a burden on our monthly income). I want her to go to a public school.

I do not know how to resolve this issue.

Some more details:

My wife was home-schooled, and I went to public school growing up. She does not want to homeschool our daughter.

When we begin this type of discussion she becomes so enraged that she cannot control her temper and says very hurtful things to me. Her typical: I hate you, you are so selfish, you don't care about your daughter, You don't care about me, f-you, etc.

My wife doesn't work and I suggested that if she really wanted our daughter to go to the school, she get could a job in order to pay for the school. But that our current extra income needed to go to paying down credit card debt and investing for our financial future. She told me if she had to get a job in order to put her in private school that she would dispise me for the rest of her life.

I am at a complete loss at how to come to an agreeable solution since we are so completely polar opposite on this. I do not want to pay for school, and she says she will hate me for the rest of my life if our daughter doesn't go the school at the church, or if she has to get a job in order for her to go to the school at the church.

We do not qualify for any kind of scholarship through the church or any other school.

Your help suggestions and insight would be sincerely appreciated.

IMHO,

If it's that important to your wife, she should go and earn the money to send the child there.

Our kids are in public school and doing very well (1st grader reading at 3d grd level, 4th grader reading up to 10th grd level, one in honors college at University of Tampa). We felt that having the stability at home was more beneficial than me working outside the home so they can go to private school.

Around my area, $1000 a month for tuition is a little high. $750 is more than reasonable.

I have a child who has always attended public schools and is doing very well. As a Sophomore, she is taking almost nothing that is not an Honors or Advanced Placement class.

I have a child who has always attended private schools and is doing very well. He has been nominated for the talented 7th grader program at Duke University.

But, they have totally different needs. They aren't there because I wanted them to have different educations. They are there because of the environments they need. Yes, budget enters in.

This is something you two will need to work out. There will have to be sacrifices somewhere.

Perhaps you both need to do a sort of cost/benefit analysis.

Well, that was my thought. The only problem is she seems to think that I should pay for it since I make "so much money".

In fact one of the most frustrating aspects of this argument is that she is mad because I won't pay for it and even madder at the idea of getting a job to pay for it herself - according to her, not mad that she has to work but mad that I don't "care enough" to pay for it.

I guess it goes deeper since I grew up in a poor home and she grew up in a home where her parents would go into debt even if they couldn't afford it to give their kids what they thought was best.

So even if we had to put ourselves in debt we couldn't afford to send our daughter to private school, she believes that is the right and just thing to do. And she believes sending her to public school because I think it is financially responsible is wrong.

I don't know how to respond to this type of logic. And what I really don't understand is if education is so important to her why she would be so angry at the idea of getting a job to pay for it.

Perhaps your wife needs to assess how important it is to HER to send the child there. What is she willing to sacrifice to do it. Maybe you should both read Financial Peace by Dave Ramsey. Perhaps you should look at the information regarding the quality of both public and private schools in your area - test results mandated by the state and other such factors. Perhaps you should visit the school along with multiple public schools in your area. Find out what educational options are out there.

My daughter's public high school was ranked by Newsweek as the 39th best public high school in the nation. So, the students are very bright and very motivated and are from a rainbow of ethnic origins. Do you know how hard it would be to buy that?

my children are in public school because i live in a very small area and there are no private ones. if i had my druthers, i would send my children to private over public any day. NOT because i think they are getting a bad education but because i do not like how God has been taken out of the schools. i would like nothing more than to have my children go to a good private christian school. i work in a catholic school in the next town over from mine (not feasible to send my kids there and it only goes to 5th grade, after that they have to go to public school) and i love the atmosphere, the learning environment, everything. i just think they get an excellent education. i went to private school thru 6th grade and we were way ahead of the public school system. i also excelled in school in private school and did poorly in public school because it was such a hard adjustment for me to make.

HOWEVER, i would have no problem working to help pay for my kids to go to private school either. i was not cut out to be a stay at home mom. i enjoy work and my time out of the home. i am finishing my degree in education so i can have time with my children still. so i am happy and they are taken care of. maybe tell your wife that you are open to discussion on this, but that you want your financial future to be stable so in order for your child to go to private school she will need to work to help pay for that. as a man it is your role to be sure the family is taken care of financially and you are just trying to be sure they are. there is nothing wrong with that. perhaps your wife could even get a job at that school to help with the tuition costs? come up with a list of pros and cons and try to get her to sit down and reasonably work this out. it is not that you think you are right or that your way is the only way. you are just trying to figure out the way that it can be afforded.

imvho, private school is the way to go, especially if she can go straight through highschool. if you two can come up with some agreements and compromises on this, i think it could turn out very well.

good luck
mlhb

I appreciate your ideas. Right now, it appears this is too emotional of a subject for my wife to sit down and rationally look at any kind of pro/con scenario.

My position remails that I will consider moving so that we can be in a very good district, we have time to plan that out before she starts school. But, if my wife feels this strongly about putting our daughter in private school, she should get a job... bring some extra income into the family to cover this new very large expense.

She told me tonight that if our daughter does not go to private school she will "leave my sorry a##"

I just don't understand how she can think I am a bad person and that I don't care about my family because I don't want our monthly expenses to equal our monthly income, leaving nothing for paying off credit cards, fixing our house, saving for retirement, investing our money, or actually starting the business that I've always dreamed of, not to mention anything else that would ever come up.

To me the argument isn't whether private schools are better than public, it's that if I don't give her want she wants she says she'll leave me. And if she actually has to work to pay for it she'll "hate me for the rest of her life".

Arghhh.....

Is she looking for an excuse to leave? Is there more going on, maybe?

Do you accept her threats? Has she always used the D card to control you? I understand your frustration.

Dallas-

I'm weighing in on this one based on my personal experience, both as a private school educated kid, and a teacher in both private Christian and public schools. Now, my teaching experience is mostly high school and post-secondary (college) but I will tell you exactly what I told my best friend since high school when she was trying to decide whether to put her kids in private school, then take them out for a specialty public school.Her private school only went through 8th grade-and a turn over of leadership changed the way the school was being run.

It's kind of a long post, but there are lots of things to consider in this kind of decision.

First of all, let me say that as a private school student and teacher, private Christian schools will have similar kinds of kids as public schools do, just in smaller numbers. Also, there are always a few parents who send their kids to a Christian school and think they are done teaching their kids anything about values and morals. If your wife was home schooled-this might surprise her. Not all Christians hold the same views as well. That can also be a surprise.

Christian/private schools may not be required to be accredited or hire teachers who are certificated. In my state, private school teachers only have to be supervised by a certificated teacher. My school required teaching certificates and paid teachers close to similar salaries. That accounted for the tuition cost. (That, and bus transportation was additional).

Accreditation means that the school's curriculum and policies have been approved by an outside organization. Christian Schools International is one very well known accreditation group. My high school had this affiliation. Accreditation is important because it means that other schools and colleges will accept the diploma of your child. It was a rude surprise to one of my public school kids who had to transfer her senior year if she wanted to attend any college other than her church college with her non-accredited diploma.

I would interview and find out if the teachers are certificated, if the school is accredited and ask to not only talk to other parents, but sit in on a few classes. I would recommend talking to parents and sitting in on any teacher’s class that your child will have in elementary and middle school whether public or private. It’s your right as a public school parent to do that as well. You pay for those schools. You just have to let them know ahead of time when you are coming and why you want to be there-safety concerns etc.

It’s tougher to do in high school because there are schedule glitches based on things like band or honors classes, and students have 6 teachers; but talking with other parents can help you find out the best teachers for your child.

One advantage that public schools have is access to honors and Advanced Placement classes, especially those that require labs like chemistry or physics-or arts classes that private schools can’t afford to have. In my state private and homeschool kids can take any class or program that their school doesn’t offer at the public school. So we have home school and private school kids running cross country or taking AP Biology. My little brother played varsity baseball of our town high school because our private school didn’t offer it until he was out of college-and became their first baseball coach.

I'd like to add that the Christian kids I’ve had in my classes not only immediately find me and the other Christian teachers a support, but they can interact with their peers in a way that is truly inspiring. What matters most is what’s going on at home, no matter where kids are-in both public or private schools.

What many Christian parents don’t understand is that you hold all the power. I would recommend an organization called Gateways to Better Education which is a national organization dedicated to helping public schools teach Judeo-Christian history, thought, and values. And it supports Christian parents who are in the public schools. I think you might find it a great resource. If you want to look around, here’s their website address: http://www.gtbe.org/about/


Hope this has helped a little. Take your time. After all-you have a few years before your little one is ready for school.

magnet schools are another option.

They have stricter rules and generally are pretty competitive. It takes a little extra effort to get into one, but they are public. Usually the kids who go to them have families who value education. They are held to a contract for behavior and performance.

My oldest started kindergarten in one and my 4th grader is in one which specializes in Math, Science and Technology.

Access what your public school options are! Is there only ONE public school for the area that your child will be forced to attend? If so, do research on the school. What is it's reputation? Talk to parents. Check their ranking (if that is available). If it turns out that this public school is a good one, consider it a wonderful blessing, and happily send your child there, keeping your family budget intact.

IF the public school in your neighborhood is not to your liking, then find one that is, and consider moving into that school district!

I understand your wife's desire to send your child private. I've done both with my kids, and BY FAR prefer the private. But I know that not all public schools are bad.

I also know families who sent their kids to private school...and the way they afforded it was by the prior stay-at-home Mom going to work to pay for it. If there are no other younger children at home when your daughter starts school, to me it's a no-brainer. If there are younger kids still at home, then you need to find the balance that works.

I'm not impressed with her threats though. Sounds a bit juvenille and very selfish.

FWIW, I live in a well-off neighborhood in Dallas, where the whole private vs public issue is often discussed, and probably more than 50% go to private schools. We've chosen to stay in the public schools, and have been very happy; have 2 kids who have/are taking lots of AP courses, and our son had colleges all over him when he graduated. My kids have always gravitated towards kids who have similar values and similar interested, involved parents, so that side has worked well too.

But the waaayyy bigger issue you have is the way this conflict is being handled. We haven't heard your wife's opinion of how you handle it, so I won't "take sides". However, you are describing a LOT of what Harley calls "love busters" on her part, and it is possible that you may be contributing some yourself.

I'd quit worrying aboput school for a bit, and instead see if she will work with you on improving how you guys handle conflict. Dr. Harley's book on "lovebusters" is a good palce to start, but with the level of "heat" you guys seem to get into in discussions...I really think starting out with counseling to give a safe place for you both to work on things would be the best place to start.

Good Luck--

Kathi

My kids attended both private and public school. Some children will do well in any school they attend. Others need a very structured curiculum in a well disciplined environment. A more creative, artisitic child might be stunted in this type of educational environment. Also children change and their needs change.

I think you need to determine what the child's needs are and choose a school that best suits those needs. Your child is still a baby. Who know what her learning needs will be in three or four years. For example, she could learn to read but be unable to catch a ball or run without tripping. In that case you might want to make certain the school has an adequate physical therapy program--something few private schools will provide. Few private schools are equiped for reading recovery if the child is challenged in that area.
Some primary schools focus the first year on reading and go light on the math--but a child that is reading or ready to read would be better served in the school that does not ease up on the math.

But all this is really neither here nor there.

What you have is a real marital problem. Your wife has a belief system that she is trying to push on you. This is what should be addressed--not where your child goes to school.

Do not allow this to polarize you and your wife into winner/loser – arguing contestants. This is extremely dangerous for your marriage. She bullies to get her way and you give in or visa-versa. Either way, resentment will grow.

She punishes you for not agreeing with her? It is time to start some dialog with her about how people can have different ideas and passions about things and still repect each other's point of view.

We have had this discussion - my dh very strongly wanted me to send the kids to the Christian private school run by our church. however, we are in a bad financial situatio without tuition. I was homeschooled/public schooled/Christian schooled and tried homeschooling for a year and a half. Then with 5 kids - I just couldn't handle it. So our kids are in public school and doing well. Dh is not so much concerned about public elementary school, more public middle school/high school - so our current plan is that I will take part time college to finish my degree, our kids will attend pubic elementary school but that when they get somewhere between middle school and high school (and when all our kids are school aged) - then we plan on me working to help pay the cost to send them to private school. Right now, with twin 2 year olds, my working isn't really practical, esp with all the school vacation days, babysitting would be prohibitive. Have you talked to her about doing public school "for a while" until you pay off your debt, get more financially stable and until your child is older? It's also possible you might be making more when your child is older or your might have more children by then and that might be a factor. If we only had our oldest 2 children who are in grades 1 and 2, I would be working full time and they would be going to our church private school.

how does she think she is going to afford private school if she leaves you?? Usually divorce results in a lower standard of living and woman having to work. That makes NO sense to me - it sounds like maybe something else is going on.

I have some friends whose 3 children were attending a private school. We were in a group together one day and someone else asked this parent if the school her children attended was as good academically as our local public schools. The mom nonchalantly answered. "I don't know."

This told me that she wasn't as interested in the academics as she was in isolating and insulating her children in a coccoon with other children just like themselves. Excuse me, but the world is NOT just like me or like my children or like her children. The real world is not like that coccoon.

While I was looking for the school my son currently attends, I did look at that school. And I got weird vibes. Just gave me the willies, if you know what I mean.
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[color:"red"]I have a feeling that the real issue here is not where your child will attend school. It is something else. And you need to determine what the serious weakness is in your marriage and work on that. The whole school thing is a red herring. And a red flag.[/color]

Yes, it would be lifetime-beneficial for your way of handling conflict to be examined right away. As an example for the daughter if for no other reason.

As a Mom I like various private schools for various reasons other than academic, because children are impressionable and you want to know what morals are being supported.

However, if you earn three times as much as she does, why don't you each chip in using a ratio of 1:3, cuz she might have to work 30 hours to get what you earn in only 10 hours, so it seems unfair to totally deplete the energy of hers which would not benefit the daughter. Just a thought. Her contribution should convince you she is sincere in her desire, but if you earn much more, you subsidize to show your support.

But learn a better way of conflict so you won't take away at home with turmoil, the peace and morals of what she is learning in the private school!

This was SUCH good advice that I wanted it repeated. Since I assume the child won't be attending any school this year, this appears to be a manufactured argument.

Maybe... She says she keeps bringing it up now because she would rather divorce now than later, as it would be harder on our Daughter as she gets older.

We are still not agreeing at all on this issue which is now coming up daily. I am waiting to find out when someone can watch the baby so we can go to a counselor about it.

She continues to say I am selfish for thinking this way... I guess because it is not a sacrifice in her eyes. And because she said even if I wasn't married I would be trying to pay off debt and conserve as much money as possible. Well, that is true.

I compared it to if she didn't want to live in a bad neighborhood now and didn't want to live in a bad neighborhood before we were married. That doesn't mean that she would be selfish by not wanting to live in a bad neighborhood, and she obviously wasn't truely doing it for her family. It just means she is being consistent with her beliefs.

dc,

I agree that something more is going on than just the school issue.If your wife is really speaking to you this way then she has some real problems.Has she always spoken to you this way about topics concerning the child and home/marriage,etc? Your daughter is 2.You have plenty of time to think about what options are best.

My children went to private school when they were young and it was great but,the tuition kept going up and up without much reasoning behind it: no improvements in the school,no different activities,etc.I think it was mostly due to staff salaries but in the end it was really a burden to have them go there since it was so horribly expensive.We decided not to keep sending them there just to say that they were in private school and go into huge debt and risk our futures and that of our children.The public schools were really great too and got good marks for the state,etc.

Is your wife trying to portray a certain image to other's? Is she trying to keep up with the Jones' too much? I don't think your wifes intentions are sound.If they were not only would she rationally and respectfully discuss the issue with you but also she wouldn't risk financial ruin just for private school.Especially if she refuses to work and contribute to the household income.It will only get worse if you have more kids too.

There are more couples/people than ever filing for personal bankruptcy and have no plans for their futures: they are blowing all their money now and have little regard for emergencies.