We've been separated 4 months, and he started seeing his best friend a month ago. I just found out. I don't know what to do. We have a 2 year old and I don't want to divorce. I can't let him think it's ok and he's not ready to give her up he says, he finds comfort with her, but at the same time he doesn't want to lose me. Do I cut off contact with him completely? Give him an ulitmatum? I need help, our separation was supposed to be a break for us to clear our heads, not for this to happen, but it did. HELP!

Why r u separated?

I am sorry you are here.

Two things I see right off.
1. his best friend should never be a female. That is asking for trouble

2. This is exactly why you never seperate- it is too hard to work on a relationship when you are not together.

Who wanted this seperation? If it was him, I would guess that the affair was already going on, thus the seperation.

Purchase and read Surviving an Affair. Can you call Steve Harley for an appointment? If not, can you call Dr. Harley on his radio show? That does not cost anything.

Please go to the just found out section of the forum and read up on Plan A and Plan B.

I'm with moveforward.

I think the affair was on-going long before the separation.

Please tell us more about your situation.

Do you have children?

Is the other woman married? Does she have children? Have you spoken to her H?

Does your H work with the OW?

-AD

He told me that he wasn't in love with me, and he stopped being physical with me. I tried to let him go through what ever it was he was going through, but he acted like he didn't even know what it was either. I finally couldn't take it anymore and asked him to leave so he could figure out what it was he wanted.

She is married with two children and currently separated, she initated the separation. My husband is 30 and she is 24 he has known her since she was 15. She's one of those class cases of a girl who's a hard life. Raped by her step father and bore a child because of it, got married at 19 to a good man and she treats him like garbage, had another child with him. They do not work together. This all really started to escalate since she got a felony dui and now my husband is playing savior, of course this all happen while we've been separated, I initated the separation, I'm 29. We have a 2 year child, been married 3 years. They both have found comfort with each other and I feel I made a huge mistake letting him leave, before I found out, he wanted to come home two weeks ago and I told him no. He showed no effort that he really wanted to work on things, looking back I was naive. I should've had him come home, but it's too late. I have to deal with the present.

blue,

I don't think you neccesarily made a mistake to not let him come home. I still believe the affair was ongoing long before the separation.

-AD

You inititiated the seperation. You denied his request to come home and now you are upset that he has found someone else? Why? It sounds to me like both you and your H have a lot of growing up to do. You want him home now that you found out there is someone else. Before that you wanted him gone. Have you had your own A?

There are a lot of people out there that would not consider that your H is having an A. You asked him to leave and were no longer living as H & W. I think it is important to find out if this was going on prior to your telling him to leave.

Your H has issues with needing to rescue this woman. But he has been friends with her for a lot of years so there must be something more to her than what you have relayed. Did you also have a friendship with her? He needs to figure that out and do what is best for his family... and he may decide that coming home to someone that told him to leave is not the best thing to do. Why did you tell him to go in the first place? What made you think that leaving would allow him to figure out what he wanted?

He needs to make a decision if he wants to come back or pursue what appears to be a toxic relationship with Miss DUI.

I have never had an affair. I tried to be the best wife and mother I could, but I'm not perfect and I have a very immature H who doesn't take ANY responsbility for ANYTHING. This first priority was always playing softball and going out of town, I always went with him but after the baby I couldn't. I had a commitment to our daughter and didn't want to leave her or take her out of town and I as well worked. Taking care of a home, child and husband I was over whelmed. He started to pull away from me emotionally and physically, he refused consueling. I lived like this for a year with him, like a roommate. It only got worse. He finally told me he wasn't in love with me anymore. I had had my limit at that point and told him that I felt separating was best. I love him but he wasn't putting out any effort to help fix things. Miss DUI was a friend of mine, I met her through him. After her dui I cut contact with her, I wanted nothing to do with someone like that, but he felt differently, and he was out of the house at the time. I was expecting him to make HUGE efforts if he wanted to come home and I didn't see it, that's why I didn't let him come home. He wasn't showing anything different from before. After I found out it all made sense.

I went to our christian consuelor at my church and they suggested a separation. They told me to give him a certain time frame to see if anything changes, and if not, then he may need a jarring experience, well I followed their advice. Losing his family may wake him up and make him realize what he has and he may want to make things work. I had to be prepared though that he may not come back. I gave him 4 months after I went to the consuelor. Nothing changed. After 4 months, I gave him another month and I finally couldn't anymore. He knew that I was leaning towards it already.

Sounds like you are not taking responsibility for asking him to leave. So, you would prefer for your H to leave than to live under the same roof as you... even if it was just as a roommate. Perhaps you knew the type of man your H was when you married him... sounds like you knew his priorities and then wanted to change them. I don't disagree that his views are screwed up. If he wasn't in love with you anymore... and you asked him to leave rather than to live up to "for better or worse".. why are you now concerned that he is living like a single person? You asked him to go. You then put conditions of HUGE efforts for his return. What HUGE efforts were you doing by asking him to leave? Again, I think it is important to see if the A was going on before he was asked to leave... if it was... he is clearly in the wrong here and this should be treated like the A that it is. If he wasn't, then you may have just pushed your H into the world of single life. I hope for your child's sake and for yours that you get this figured out and soon. And if the two of you decide to work this out, he will need to cut all communications with her and you will need to not run away from your problems (by asking him to leave).
I stand by what I said and feel that you both have some growing up to do. It doesn't sound as though either one of you have really taken M seriously up until this point. I can attribute much of that to your young age. Hard work is ahead if this relationship is to survive.
Does your H maintain regular contact with your child now that he is out of the house and dating someone else?

He & I talked tonight an the A did start b4 I kicked him out. When I found out about the A I was under the impression it had been only a month, I was told by a mutual friend. Well it's been 6 months and b4 that they spent all of their time together when they weren't with their spouses. I wasn't going out of town with him on his softball tourneys, so he found another companion, her. He slowly pulled away from me and closer to her. She separated from her husband first and I made the mistake of doing it as well. I say that because looking back it was a mistake, I didn't think it was at the time. Reading Dr Harley's notes he clearly states it's easier to work on a marriage when the couple is living together not separated. I pushed him more into her arms when I asked him to leave, I didn't know that at the time. I do take responsibility for the separation, but I'm starting to think it wasn't such a good idea. I wish I would've found this site 4 months ago. I never thought of an A. It never crossed my mind. He wasn't that "type of person". But I pushed him into it, I see that. Of course he should've been home more as well, being a responsible husband and father, but I should've supported him too. This is who I married and I knew that, I was trying to change him. When I realize that I was "losing" him and I wanted to start going to the games with him, he didn' t want me to go with him, he had pushed me away. I started making the effort I felt I needed to, but I was too late at that point.

As of right now, he sees very little of his daughter. Maybe once a week, twice occasionally. He doesn't take her on his own, he'll come over here and spend time with both of us. It makes me sad. I talked to him about Plan A tonight and he agrees that he knows where he needs to be and that's at home. He understands that he needs to cut all contact with her as well. At this point, for me I need to make sure that I will be able to forgive him and move forward with this before anything else happens. She will be going to jail for a VERY long time, and I think that will help us both. And yes, we both have a lot of growing up to do, I agree. But life is a journey and we learn as we go. Up to this point I've been taking my parent's advice, and they're 73 and 66 and they've been pretty proud of me up to this point, but maybe I'm still failing. I appreciate the constructive criticism. Anything at this point I'll take. Thank you.

I'm sorry to hear it has been going on that long. I would strongly suggest that you expose this to her H and for you both to have a session with the Harley's to figure out a game plan moving forward. This will be a long journey... if you feel that you have it in you to forgive, you will be able to recover if your H is willing to grow up and do the work. Realize this A was NOT your fault. It is his to own. Read everything this site has to offer and start your road to recovery today.

Blue

do not take on the responsibility for your H decisions. Its quite likely he played you so you would react by asking him to leave so he could continue his affair without your interference - unfortunately its not unknown.
The affair was HIS decision. He took it simple as that.

You also acted on the advice of counsellors to ask him to leave whom you at the time thought had some experience in M issues, many stories here show thats not true unfortunately of many well meaning but inexperienced cousellors on Affairs. It needs specialists who expertise is in this area. Do not worry about 'I should haves' right now.

Please think seriously about contacting the Harleys by phone and getting professional advice in addition to any advice you get here. They have the knowledge and experience so please consider it..yes not cheap but a divorce is far more expensive. There is also a good guide on this site about how to choose a good pro marriage MC if you do not want to do the phone counselling with the Harleys.

That the OW is going to jail takes her out of the picture, hope thats true as it will help a lot. Unfortunately you cannot trust what your H says about the affair and ow right now.

Before taking further actions or decisions on your H return, please please consider getting professional advise.
AW

Thank you for your kind words. And yes I am planning on making that phone call to the Harleys. I don't want a divorce, I never did. Right now I'm trying to deal thought of the A and know that this wasn't a personal attack on me, you're ego really gets shot when something like this happens, and the images. Oh my. He's got his tail between his legs right now and that's where it should be. He knows that he's in the wrong (first step in plan a). I went to the court today to get updated info on her situation, doesn't look too good for her (felony dui 2 counts and inflicting great bodily injury 3 counts), but it gives me peace inside. I hate to wish ill on anyone, but the further away she is from him the better. It's a blessing in disguise. I plan to try my luck first by calling the radio station, but I don't plan on putting too much effort that way, I'll make that $200 phone call, if it saves my marriage, it's worth every penny. Thank you for your encouragement.

blue,
you really aren't supposed to discuss the plans with the wayward spouse. They are not capable of understanding. You just work your plan.

If I were you, I would call her husband. She may not really be seperated or he may want to reconncile with her. If so, he may be your best help in making sure the affair is over.I hope the best for your family

They are separated. She kicked him out of his house, he his living with his parents with her daughter and their son. She doesn't have either children right now, it makes me sick, how a mother can just throw her children away for an affair. These people used to be very social with us, we went out of town with them, bbq'ed, ect. I was close with her at one time as well, when she was having problems with her marriage. She wasn't happy. But after the dui incident I just didn't want to asscoiate with someone that could be that foolish. We were with her that night and offered her a ride home, she refused and now her good friend has lost her arm and is in a coma. Good choice. I have debated on talking with her husband, but he is so passive he isn't capable of doing anything in this situation. She doesn't listen to her and he won't initiate a divorce or do anything. He's along for the ride, really sad if you ask me. He's a good husband to her and father and she's been nothing but a pain. I should of seen the signs earlier, but I was trusting and being helpful, my fault.