My FH and I have been divorced for 9 yrs, after a 29 yr marriage and 4 children. He left me for the OW who he still lives with. At time of divorce, he stated our oldest son and his problems was one of the reasons he left. He was tired of the disagreements and constant problems with him.
It has taken a long time, but we are on cordial terms. However, our oldest child, who has had a very troubled history, is in trouble again, after a couple of years respite. He has moved back to our area and is in need of help, mentally, financially, etc. Since my FH stated he divorced me because of all our disagreements over this son, it is difficult for me to talk with him.. I have offered to attend a counseling session with him, so we can find some way of communicating and try to find the best way to help our son. He has turned me down, stating the OW says no. Issues have already come up where we disagree, but I have kept my mouth shut, to keep the peace.
Have any of you experienced any type of situation like this, and how did you handle it? I do not speak to the OW and never have in all this time, so that is not even an option.

blt13,

I'm not in your situation. I'm sure it is a heart-rending situation.

As I understand it, your son is an adult. You no longer have authority over him, and no long have responsibility for him. I have a sister who suffers from mental health problems and I feel that our mother allowed her (sister) to control her (mom) by threats of suicide etc. It is hard to accept, but I have come to the conclusion now (Mom has been dead for 3 years - sis didn't even attend the funeral), that there is nothing I can do. I consulted with a friend who is a psychiatrist - and he told me that if I would go to the probate judge and swear out a statement that I believe her to be a danger to herself or others due to mental illness, the state would pick her up for 3-day involuntary evaluation - and the process would continue from there. I still have not done it. So far as I can tell, that is all that I can do.

As hard as it is to accept, I think this is out of your hands. I am very sorry that your husband betrayed you and your family. There is no excuse for his abandoning you and going to another woman. But with regaurd to your son, I can understand his point of view to the extent that he accepts that there is nothing he can or should do for your son at this point.

I have read that there is a very high rate of divorce in the cases where there is a disabled child. (And it sound like your son could be classified as emotionally/mentally disabled). I think it is caused in part by that child becoming the focus of one parent so that the other parent feels neglected. I don't know if that's what your XH felt, and it doesn't justify his actions - only perhaps explain them in part.

-AD

How old is your son?