I am a WS; I started the A 14 months ago with an old flame. I haven’t yet told my BS. I’ve gone back and fourth between telling the truth and not telling the truth and staying and leaving. My BS is such a good person and I do love my BS, but I feel there are many unresolved feelings between me and the OP. (Sorry, it appears that I’m in the FOG and not ready to exit.) Right now, I’m working up the courage to reveal my A to my BS, because I realize it’s something I have to divulge whether I choose to stay or not.

Anyway, my BS referred me to this site after a discussion we had about my discontent with the marriage. The information on this site and the discussion forums have been tremendously helpful. But, this appears to be a place for those who wish to repair their marriages. That is not a step I’m ready to take. (What to I do? How do I tell my BS; BS has NO idea!)

Does anyone know of a similar discussion forum for those of us who have not taken the steps to commit to our marriages? I know I am wrong, but what I have done to my marriage hurts me almost as much as it will hurt my BS when I come clean.

Thanks in advance to all of those who read.
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WS & BS in 30's, married 3 years.

"what I have done to my marriage hurts me almost as much as it will hurt my BS when I come clean."

You want to bet? You have no idea how much your spouse will hurt because of your choices. You will never know, unless you love someone and they make the choice to stab you in the back.

The honorable thing is to tell your spouse so that they have the necessary information and can decide if they want to try to save the marriage.

Think in a idealistic sense:

Wouldn't it be better to fix your marriage then quit, start a new one, and have to fix that to?

You had an affair because you perceive that your needs were not being met. Does your current spouse know what they are? Do YOU know what they are? Why doesn't your spouse know what they are? Have you communicated them? Are they capable of meeting them?

You cannot hope to have a successful relationship (with your current spouse or anyone else) if you cannot communicate your needs, and if they are not being met, letting them know.

You cannot hope to have a successful relationship if you cannot maintain boundaries around your relationship. Why did you contact the old flame? or if they contacted you, why did you let it get so far?

Your BS referred you to this site...that means your BS has an awareness that something is wrong, and has the ability to examine what is going wrong and attempt to fix it. That is probably a sign that you could be successful in repairing your marriage.

Children expect someone else to solve their problems. Adults are expected to solve their own problems.

Sounds like you have one helluva husband.

LITW,

This is what Cymanca told me when I needed help telling my BS.


"Sit her down,look her in the face and admit what you have done.

DO NOT LIE ABOUT ANYTHING regardless of what you feel about the subject."


It's not easy, but this is where you have to start.

46XY

You all have valid points, thank-you for posting. Actually, I was almost afraid to read your replies, since I'm not exactly here trying to save my marriage. But, I certainly appreciate your points-of-view.

I know one thing for sure, I just have to tell my S. I've read 46xy's posting, and I'm sure it was difficult. I have read so many stories of infidelity and taking those steps to being honest. I hope to get there too soon.

Lost, hope won't get you there, only action. You have to WALK yourself there like an adult and just tell your spouse. She deserves to know the truth.

Lost,
you wrote the following............


I have one question. Why did it end with your "old flame" the first time???

bb

LITW:

Your A can continue for 4.5 years like mine did.

Then one day you find this website. You read about all the things that you thought were unique in your A and find out that us WS are just following the same path.

I dithered about leaving/telling/revealing/divorcing/etc for 4.5 years. It was great life. Now that I look back at it. And I never want to go back to that life.

After finding this website, and talking with my spouse about it, and the other crisis in our lives that brought us to this website, I told OW it was over. OW was not happy and called W. So I was busted. OW thought I might be put out permenantly, and that she would have a shot. Didn't work. My BS stepped up to the plate and started hitting home runs to keep me. Surprised the heck out of the OW. Me too!

So, you state that you don't want to fix your M. But you, like me, are a fence sitter and cake eater. I am not proud of this.

So, make a decision. This website is about saving marriages. IF you want to save the one you are in, this site has everything you need to be successful. If you decide to end this M, then there is the next relationship that you are going to have problems with as well.

I never left my W for 4.5 years. I knew she was a better woman that the OW. But we had "issues" so I chose an A. After finding this site, we decided that we could work on those "issues" and our M is so much better for that.

Never sell your BS short. You have been in an A for over a year. You get something from OW that BS doesn't provide. But you do not get enough to leave. Your BS may just decide to fight like mine did, and you can have a new life and M that is better than you ever imagined.

Buy, from this website, His Needs, Her Needs. (HNHN) and Surviving An Affair (SAA) Read them as soon as possible. Do not go to the bookstore, you can not wait that long.

Then, Man up and make a decision. Tell you BS about the A. If your M is over, then the A was going to come out anyway. If it isn't over, then the honesty that you have learned to face with your W will allow you to have a much better M.

And follow 46's thread. It is similar to yours.

All, I told my BH two days ago. Unfortunately he was close to figuring things out himself, so I just had to come clean.

He was hurt and angry, but had handled this much differently than I expected. He has really been great. He's trying to look at what he did that might have caused me to have the A.

I don't know what's going to happen next, but we have agreed to, at least being radically honest. It's going to be hard after so many years of me not being completely honest. We've both agreed to be together this weekend and we're just going to take it from there.

Thank-you all for your understanding and advice.
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Me: WW 36
BS: 30
D-Day: 11-1-06
No kids

Lost:

As stupid as this sounds now, YOU ARE FOUND!

Truth sheds a lot of light on a M. Your H has been grat so far. But he is in shock right now. You have had 14 months to process the ramifications of the actions you have taken. Hes has had two.

His shock will wear off. Then the anger will come. Please be ready.

But right now, have you decided to come clean? With everything? If your H asks if you did XXX are you prepared to answer honestly and completely?
Because if you are not, the anger and distrust that your BH has right now will take alot longer to clear.

No matter what, you are to be congradulated on your honesty to your H. It allows him to start processing what has happened in the past 14 months in a different light.

And there are alot of FWW's here to help you earn your F.

Are you ready? This will be the hardest thing you have ever done.

All, I told my BH two days ago. Unfortunately he was close to figuring things out himself, so I just had to come clean.

integrity is a precious personal resource
do not forget that

He was hurt and angry, but had handled this much differently than I expected.

you not only betrayed your own integrity ... you underestimated your husband's integrity

He has really been great. He's trying to look at what he did that might have caused me to have the A.

he did nothing NOTHING to "cause" your decision to betray your own integrity
he has responsibility to owning his part in what went wrong in the marriage
you 100% OWN the affair

I don't know what's going to happen next, but we have agreed to, at least being radically honest.

Is OM married?

It's going to be hard after so many years of me not being completely honest. We've both agreed to be together this weekend and we're just going to take it from there.

being "completely honest" means you agree to hear the good and the bad about yourself

my most earnest advice is that you call the Harleys and set up an appointment to design a path for recovery

PLEASE do this
you can avoid the common recovery errors this way
and avoid some unnecessary resentment-building

Pep