It was early this month that I discovered my wife's 1 year long affair with one of the employees (who it turns out is also the massage therapist) at a physical therapy clinic she uses for workouts. My wife was "happy for the first time in my life" and was "in love." Back on Labor Day I had gotten the "I don't love you, never did, you need to find someone to love who loves you" message. Additionally, she told me that when our home sells (thought that would be at the end of September but it will now be 10/31, we must be out by 11/30) we'll be moving into separate households. She's a psychiatrist and earns roughly 4 times what I do (and just started making much more than that), so that meant a new house for her and an apartment for me (but she will "support" me as well as begin paying off our very large debts). I found this site, reread some of the marriage/divorce books I purchased back in 1999 when something similar happened, and began deposits to the Love Bank big time. When the adultery was suspected (when I happened to look at her latest cell phone bill) and then admitted to, I switched forums and started reading. I particularly noted Longhorn's thread For Newly Betrayed Spouses
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...e=0#Post3014240
In that thread we have:
Additionally, I found:
Of course I totally ignored the "has not admitted to the infidelity" and focused on "pressure...to end their relationship," so if all of the suggestions were only predicated on "not addmitted," I've screwed up even more than I thought. Two days after discovery, I talked a couple of hours to our 30 year old married daughter who lives out of state. She is a physician (OB-GYN). The next night I spoke in person to our 27 year old married daughter, currently a student in medical school. I did not (and will not) tell our 18 year old son who is away at college.

I talked to our pastor 3 days later (so 6 days after discovery). He agreed that for the marriage to have any chance, the affair had to stop. He recommended pressing for the OM's name and telling my wife that I would rather she tell me before I had to use "other ways." Within 2 minutes of starting that conversation, my wife stormed down the hall to another bedroom before I was able to answer her question of "why do you need to know?" I got up early the next morning (2:30) and wrote her a long explanation of why I needed to know (so that I could steps to end the affair, including talking to his wife or meeting with her to verify that he had told her) and left that on her car seat. She came home that night and told me that the affair was over (and sounded very dejected). Unfortunately, she is still working out over there several days a week, so I'll be revisiting the subject (and ultimately him, I think) fairly soon (so I can further increase my negative Love Bank balance).

I want to rebuild "the bridge of trust," to use my wife's analogy. In talking to our pastor (who is very experienced with marriage counseling and marriage enrichment), he pointed out that if I wanted a new relationship based on truth telling (as well as other things), I needed to be truthful with her as I tried to rebuild the foundation of that bridge. A couple of nights earlier she caught me working on an update to a couple we know in CA in the ministry. They've been praying for us since early September. She pointedly ask me who else knew. As the "conversation" just before that had included statements like "I'm not sure if we can stay under the same roof one more night," I took the easy way out and lied. My choices afterwards, as I saw them, were to start out with a lie as the foundation of trust or to tell the truth and suffer the reaction. I chose the latter.

I sent emails to the 4 other individuals who knew, telling 3 of them that although they were interested parties to what was going on, they weren't directly involved and I regretted telling them (as I didn't need any of them to apply any kind of pressure). I printed those out and talked to my wife. INTENSE REACTION. Almost hysterical crying, yelling "You hate me, you hate me. How could you tell our children?" This was off & on for about 45 minutes. "I never told anyone about your EA in 1986 and how you told me you didn't love me. How could you do this to me?" (FYI, in addition to our two grown daughters, the 3rd person was her sister who was in the loop weeks before the affair was noticed, and a male long time friend of mine.) "I wasn't sure I was doing the right thing but now I am. I can never live with you!"

The next night she was calm. About 10:00 my wife the psychiatrist paid me a housecall. She talked about 45 minutes explaining about power, control, and bullying. She would set up hypothetical situations and then ask me what did the person saying something really mean. She told me that I told the others in order to humiliate her. I told her that my friend was for emotional support and our daughters were to apply pressure. I couldn't answer her question as to how they would apply pressure because I hadn't thought that far ahead (and they weren't needed afterall). She told me that pressure was just another word for control. She talked about subconscious reasons we do things. She really pressed on the humiliation angle although I kept telling her that wasn't my intention. She hammered on subconscious motivations, talked about battered women she saw at the psych hospital where she works and how they always went back to the abusive husband. She told me that she didn't have the self esteem problems those women had.

If I had it to do again, no way I would tell our daughters unless other pressure failed first. My biggest issue with the advice of "tell anyone who could exert pressure" is that it alludes to Dr. Harley's advice and elsewhere mentions Surviving an Affair. Well, I finally got the copy I ordered. I DON'T SEE THAT ADVICE ANYWHERE!!!!! That's why I feel like I've been thrown under the bus. In just over a month we'll be living apart and it sure looks like I've made things MUCH worse. My opportunities for Love Bank deposits are almost gone (as she gave an evasive answer Saturday when I asked her what role she saw for me in her life once we moved). In my state (a community property state) an uncontested divorce can be had after 6 months of living apart if property, financial, etc. aspects are agreed to, so next May could be it (if I agree). When the time comes, if it does, we'll see if I agree or not, but that could all be coming sooner than I thought.

I really think she hasn't thought a lot of things through. She planned to buy a house but hadn't checked with a mortgage company until recently. Despite her income, they won't give her much money because of credit card debt, some of which is joint. She now will be leasing for a year (and accused me of obtaining credit cards in her name - not true). She is making a lot more money now by working a lot more, something that started a few months back. Right now I do all of the dishes and all of the laundry except for her things. Someone comes in once a week for the major house cleaning. My wife's household responsibilities are close to zero as I've been trying (even before Labor Day) to do as much as possible so she could work more and not come home to face more work. How's that going to work for her after November? Also, I don't think she has considered the money angle. I bet she believes I just blow my money. I'll be doing a spreadsheet showing where my money goes, and believe me more goes out (on legitimate expenses) than usually comes in, hence rising credit card debt. She spends a LOT of money on clothes and pumped a lot into redecorating in the past. I always sat back and rationalized that she has worked hard (very true) and deserves to buy things for herself. In case you can't tell, we've also had communications problems. I blame myself for a lot of that as I was VERY passive for years. Even if I get an apartment, probably cheaper than renting/leasing a house, there are many expenses that will be higher (two phone lines, two internet connections, utilities for two places, etc.). I really wouldn't be surprised if the monthly cost is more than we're paying now (and that was one of the reasons cited for selling the house).

Speaking of being too laid back, I've thought for a few years that I might have adult ADD (she diagnosed our son with ADD 5-6 years ago), but I never talked to her (reasoning that she would tell me no, quit looking for excuses). After Labor Day I got off my butt, read up on Adult ADD, was amazed at how many of the symptoms described me exactly (and also described issues she has had with me over the years), and got our family doc to prescribe for me. WHAT a difference. Night and day, no joke. In the course of talking to my wife the last month, she hammered me on why I didn't go through and clean out some boxes in one of our rooms months ago (subsequently done though). I talked about having had problems with projects, with priorities, etc. She leaned over and said "You know why? You've got ADD!" I told her yep, that's why I got on meds in mid-September and that explains most of the changes in me. The old passive guy doesn't live here anymore, the new proactive fellow does (as long as I get those meds). I also let her know how dirty it was to know I had ADD (she has changed her story on how long she has known since I started pointing this out), know that many issues she has had with me were ADD symptoms, know that meds might help those symptoms, and not say a word. I've told her that one of the things we'll never know is how married life would have been if she had gotten me on the meds before she began the affair.

As much as I hate to say it (and I REALLY do), there have been several positive changes because of the affair. Non-Christians just close your ears here, but I'm closer to God than I've been since my 20s/early 30s (and I thought I was very close then). I really see this as a wakeup call, but sure wish it had been some other type of wakeup call. Because of the affair, I'm finally on the ADD meds. Because of the affair, I now know the biggest issue my wife has had with me (1986 EA and the things I said to her then). Our son was born in 1988. She told me post-Labor Day that she cried every day from the year before he was born until the year after he was born (and then "just didn't care anymore"). I know that she holds everything in (and am still astonished that the words "marriage counseling" never crossed her lips in all those years). She talked of her anger about 1986 in terms of PTSD and said that there are some people who just can't let an event go. (Has she tried any kind of therapy for that? The implication is yes, but given how closed she is, I doubt it. Can one do that therapy alone?) Her internalized anger at me has been a real eye-opener (and I'm hopefully picking up The Dance of Anger on the way home tonight as my pastor recommended it). I feel like I'm finally in a position to be able to work to have the kind of marriage we never had, and it looks like the opportunity to do that won't be there. To the extent that the advice to "tell your children" to help end the affair isn't found in Surviving an Affair and that taking that advice appears to have made a bad situation MUCH worse, I DO feel like I've been thrown under the bus.

Having said that, I do still have hope for the future. I'm looking forward to it with acceptance, not resignation, I just wish it would hurry up and get here.

From Penalty Kill

Betrayed, did you happen to read this? It's at the top of the page.

With the exception of the Marriage Builders® Weekend Private forums, the advice offered on these forums is offered by your peers - it is NOT professional advice and should not be taken as such. If you want professional advice, please look at information about the MB Counseling Center, or seek a professional counselor.

No one threw you under the bus. You jumped out yourself - in haste. Perhaps if you had read the book first, or gotten counseling w/the Harleys, you might have employed different tactics. Or perhaps not.

Take care.

Many things to say to you.

First, DONT tell the kids anything else. Here's the thing, I'm 34. My parents divorced when I was 24. It sucked. Sucked worse than anything I can remember up until I just went through my own recently.

The kids need to know the facts, but that's it. They're adults and can ask questions, but the fact of the matter is that they don't need to be confidants to the two of you.

This will have a MAJOR impact on them. Major because the home they remember, the parents they love, and the memories they have will disappear before their eyes.

Don't confide in them any more. They know what's going on, but don't tell them anything else or "guess what your mother did today" type of stuff. It is very helpless to hear this as a child and very tough as an adult because you want to help and try to resolve things, but really can't.

As far as your W goes, she is going to throw fits over exposure. Exposure isn't bad. It's good.

Find out who the other man is. Tell his employers and tell his W. If he is a trainer and had a relationship with a client, then he's broken a trust and I'm sure that his gym will take steps to discipline him.

Finally, I have learned through my own experience that this is a time when you need to focus on you. Your kids are grown, and that is a good thing for you. No custody fights in this picture.

Start living your life as you want to live it. Start acting like nothing you wife does phazes you. Do the 180. Why? Because it works. If you beg, plead, implore, and do all the things I did you will simply push her away.

She's living a fantasy.

Follow the advice on this site. It works. I wish I had listened more than I did. I thought we were a "special" case. Unique. We weren't. I'd probably still be married if I had done what this site recommended.

Take that as my two cents.

Take a deep breath, slow down, and just Be Still.

your WW has reacted exactly the way every other WS has ever acted when their secret is out. Nothing new. They all say things like "that is the last straw, I could never come back now, you are just trying to hurt me" etc.

I don't know if telling your kids was the right thing to do or not - but you did, it is over, so be it. Do you think it would be better to quietly allow your WW to continue in her A, get a D, and then instantly show up with a new boyfriend? What would happen then? After the fact you could tell everyone "she has been seeing him all along!" but by then she would have her story all lined up, and make you out to be the jilted, vengeful ex.

I wanted to share something else with you, since you are seeking the advice of a pastor. Matthew chapter 18:


I am not going to debate any of this - just wanted you to be aware of the biblical method for dealing with a wayward believer. it specifically talks about exposing to her directly, if she doesn't repent, then bring along another believer and confront her again, and if she still deosn't repent you bring the matter before the entire church. When my pastor and I talked about these steps he said that basically you are slowly exerting "peer pressure" on the wayward beleiver, to repent,and turn from their sin. I would suggest you discuss this with your own pastor.

Finally, I can feel the urgency in your post. you want to find the right thing to say! the right words to speak! the right book to read! to make this all go away, right NOW!
We all understand this. But you are going to have to sit down, shut up, and let God take over. These long conversations with your WW are not helping. you are just giving her the chance to psycho-analyze you, and try to "prove" her point. her PA is NOT OK, but she is trying real hard to prove otherwise. All that crap about her PTSD from your EA years ago - just her own justification. We have all heard them. All you can do is apologize, repent, and turn from that sin. if you have done that, then quit beating yoruself up. She is looking for the excuse of the day, and that is it. next week she will find something new. you are looking way too far into the future and planning the final date of your D. Slow down. A LOT will happen in the next few months. and quit writing her lengthy heart felt letters about why you "need to know" who the OM is. Your wife had/is having a PA. That is wrong. You do not want another man in your M. You want to do everything you can to protect your family, and part of that invloves knowing who the OM is. You don't need to explain it to her. your long letters will just give her further stuff to throw at you.
keep all of your statements simple.
"Honey, I love you, and I want to build a better M with you. We can not do that as long as there is another man in our M"
Keep it simple.
Be still.

Betrayed, that was no bus you were under. It was a heavy fog cloud thrown out by your wife.
Papa 3 is correct, not to lean on your daughters in the future. I think you did the right thing by enlisting their aid. THey are adults. Your wife is in a fog, and if they know the truth they will be able to see through her spin on things.

It is typical for a WS to accuse the BS of abuse, distrustful and cruel actions, and to threaten that the marriage is now OVER thanks to the exposure of the affair.

This behavior is sort of comparable to turning the light on and watching cockroaches scatter into the corners. They don't like the light.

Now start taking care of yourself in Plan A. If you feel the urge to turn the snooze button on your alarm & sleep 5 more minutes, don't give in to the urge. Be really careful of your hygiene and disciplined about your daily activities. Be upbeat and cheerful. Return her angry words with things like "I love you very much and I want our marriage. I don't want to talk divorce. I want to talk rebuilding." Stuff like that.

Dude - you have entirely missed the point here.

MarriageBuilders logic to repair your marriage when there has been an affair works like this:

1) In order to fix anything, you must first STOP the affair.

2) The very best weapon you have to stop the affair is to expose it to family, friends, employers, etc.

So, are you trying to tell us that exposing was a mistake because your WW got mad and next time you'd just keep quiet about it because nothing is worse than her being mad at you?

Do you really not see that your WW is furious because the exposure *did exactly what it is supposed to do?*

IT'S WORKING. YOU HAVE THROWN A MONKEY WRENCH INTO HER LITTLE FANTASY WORLD AND SERIOUSLY DISRUPTED HER CHEATING. THAT'S WHAT EXPOSURE IS SUPPOSED TO DO.

As we often say around here: Your marriage can survive your WW's anger. It CANNOT survive her having sex with another man. Does that make sense to you?

Upon exposure, WSs always do their very best to bully, threaten, torment and frighten the BS into shutting up and backing off and not interfering with the cheaters any further. Your WW is doubly good at this because she is a psychiatrist and is using every weapon she's got against you - and again, she's doing this because YOUR EXPOSURE WORKED!

But - if you are going to cower in the face of her anger and let her bully and frighten you into shutting up, you will have wasted your hard efforts and wasted the very best thing you could have done.

Women do not respect men whom they can bully. And though she'll never admit it, you did show your WW that you are willing to stand up and fight for your marriage by exposing her cheating and doing the #1 thing to disrupt it.

Repeat after me:

DO NOT LET HER BULLY AND FRIGHTEN YOU
DO NOT LET HER BULLY AND FRIGHTEN YOU
DO NOT LET HER BULLY AND FRIGHTEN YOU

If you face her anger with the courage of your convictions, you can weather it. How well can you weather sitting at home while she goes out to screw another man?

Hang on for a response to this by Melody Lane. You are sure to get one!
Mulan

Actually it never ceases to amaze me when a man thinks exposure and anger is worse somehow than their wife screwing another man. How can things possibly get any worse than that?

ok, here's the deal.

What you did is called exposure and it is part of Plan A when the affair is active and the WS refuses to break off the affair. Sin flourishes in darkness - when it is brougt into the light it is seen for what it really is.

You did exactly as you should have done- even telling your children. It may not be in the book, but on his radio show, Dr Harley does say that you should expose in order to break up the affair. He says you should tell all children who are mid teen and above.

Did you tell his boss that he is having an affair with your wife? Is the OM married? If so, have you revealed it to his wife? Dr. Harley says the OP's spouse should ALWAYS be told.

You are not telling to cause your wife grief- you are telling to help break up the affair as healing can not occur until the affair is over.

Let me ask you a question. Did you think she was going to be happy that you exposed the affair? I mean come on, who wants other people to know their secret sins?

You really need to just keep doing what you are doing. Read up on Plan A.

If the affair is really over, your wife should have no problem writing a no contact letter. She should have no further contact with the OP- for life That means she will have to change gyms or he will have to change jobs- maybe both.

I am fairly certain the gym would not want him having an affair with one of their clients. They really should be informed- this could lead to sexual harrassment charges.

Now, as far as you are concerned- are you making positive changes that are for YOU? Are you meeting her emotional needs and avoiding love busters?

As far as you being thrown under a bus- I really think you need to rethink that YOu came here and posted one time, read some posts and now want to blame us?

Your wife is reading from the wayward spouse handbook- She is following it to the letter.

Why don't you call the radio show or if you can afford it call Steve Harley for an appointment.

Your wife is reacting like they all do.

Stay in Plan A, keep making positive changes (good on you!). She will most likely get over her anger. The best thing to tell her is that you will do what it takes to save the marriage.

It is very said that your WW is using her knowledge of psychiatry to try to bully you and make you take the blame for her bad choices - but believe me, she is not fooling anyone here on MB.


So, is it using power and control and bullying when a woman screws another man behind her husband's back and then tries to threaten him into just sitting back and looking the other way while she does this?


Her knowledge of psychiatry, unfortunately, has failed to reveal to her that she has humilated HERSELF by sneaking around to go have sex with another man. YOU did not humilate her - she humilated HERSELF with her own freely chosen actions. I sure hope you are clear on this.


What's wrong with telling the family that WW is seeing another man? Does she not want them to share in her new-found happiness? How could she not want them to share it and show them how proud she is of her actions? What - is she ashamed of what she's doing?


And in your case, you were just trying to regain control of your own life - control that she took away from you when she decided to start lying to you. And does she really think she wasn't controlling YOU to the max with the lies she was telling you so she could go be with her boyfriend?


Again - SHE humilated HERSELF by her choice to lie and cheat. YOU did not humilate her one bit.


From what you have posted, you have not abused her at all - but SHE has abused you and your marriage to the exteme by lying to you and sleeping with another man. It doesn't get any more abusive than that.

But she knows all this. She knows it. That's why she is desperately trying to throw the blame back on you at every turn, even to the point of sadly twisting and misusing her knowledge of psychiatry.

We have seen this many times before! Do Not Fall For This! It's exactly what she hopes you will do - take all the blame so she can escape any guilt or consequences for what she has done.

Do Not Fall For This!
Mulan

Betrayedtoo,

I’m sorry to read your story and how you found yourself to be here in this bad place.

Your gonna have to listen to people that have been where you are at now and experienced success.

Does that make sense?

If you wanted to invest money with a money manager, would you invest with one that was a total loser?

I read your post. I’m concerned about your frame of mind.

This is the reality of where you find yourself right now.

You have two choices:

Fight like ****** for your M, or,
Let go.

Notice that word “fight” up there.

This does not mean open handed slapping and hurling insults.

This is no less than defending your M against an all out assault from certain damnation. This is a clenched fist smiting of wrong. This is defending yourself and your W from the certain marital peril that will result if you do not stand strong and take action.

No whining. No what-ifs. No excuses.

Success here is in the effort.

Nobody can tell you what the outcome of your situation will be. There are no guarantees.

I can honestly say from what I’ve seen and read about here or in other sources, that doing nothing will almost certainly result in your WW choosing a life that will likely not include you in it.

The MB plan works. I’ve lived it. I’ve read about many many others that have succeeded.

Like the posters previously stated. Your W is pissed because you took a wrecking ball to her fantasy world which she personally crafted.

Call Dr. Harley!

Develop and launch a plan to take back your dignity. Grow yourself as a person. Make your best efforts to END your W’s A!

Make sure that you have a complete understanding that you did the right things to save your M when this all shakes out. You will have to live with your decisions. You will be the one that has to know deep down inside whether or not you brought honor, self respect, and perseverance to this battle or not when it’s all over.

Be able to live with your choices no matter what you decide.

I wish you the best.

Kahuna,



<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

I agree with Mulan - your wife is using her professional training to decimate your sense of right and wrong, commitment vs convenience, and skewing your sense of reality.

Do not engage with this woman on a dialoge of wrong doing without a well trained 3rd party witness. She can and will take you down.

There's a reason why the divorce rate is so extremely high among the psychiatric medicine and clinical psychology professionals - anyone who thinks that highly of their own opinion will not be open to listening to anyone else's reality without coloring it up to fit their "moral agenda". (I used to work in a psychiatric hospital - and have witnessed 3 different psychiatrists ganging up on a woman who's husband was admitted and medicated before being tested for an accurate diagnosis and she was told that her husband was psychotic and that since she didn't have children with him yet, that she should consider getting a divorce. It turns out they had the wrong diagnosis, it took years to clear the psychotropic drugs they pumped into him out of his system and he has yet to be the same man she married, but he's definitely NOT psychotic nor is he a danger to her!).

Call Dr. Harley if you have any chance of working for reconcilliation.

I earn several times over what my husband earns, and I know what it does to him emotionally - how he feels about himself, without us having marital problems - and I don't cheat on him. You have a "whole nuther can of worms" on top of what my husband has to deal with. So, you have to work on your confidence, your own sense of self-worth if you are going to recover your marriage or even just yourself.

The affair is not over. She is still seeing him and intent on separating. She's continuing to manipulate you. Find out WHO the guy is and expose to his wife/girlfriend and parents. If he is married you must expose at sometime anyway so might as well do it now. Otherwise, they've likely just cooled it till she gets out in a month.

That "bridge of trust" is just crap when dealing with a Wayward Spouse. If she were a crack head would you be soooo honest. She needs help, not complete honesty right now. Her very soul is at stake. It's not manipulative or controlling to try to save your wife that you are committed to...it's actually respecting your marital vows and being a good husband.

Now I bet you absolutely fear doing any more exposure but really, sir, what have you got to lose. Your wife is gaslighting you and trying to blame shift this whole debacle onto you. Soon she'll be moving out to continue her tryst as a "separate woman" that was beat down by her controlling husband. Snoop around and get the truth about your life and then, if it's as I surmise (that the affair really continues) then expose it even more. With this caveat...IF OM IS MARRIED, his wife MUST be told ASAP and no matter what - she has the right to know the truth about her life and get STD testing.

Mr. Wondering

p.s. - DON'T tell her what you are going to do...get the information, by whatever means necessary and just do it. Yes, she'll be pissed but OM will disappear and you'll have the opportunity to repair your marriage without OM involved. For you to get that chance she must go to NO CONTACT.

What did you expect exposure to do?

wow, that is pretty good bullchit! Did you really fall for that? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Most WS' are not going to hand you an AWARD for interfering with their affair, friend. You can expect anger, fury, threats of divorce. Liken it to snatching the crack pipe from a crack addict, and you will get the picture. Just because the crackhead howls in anger at the removal of his crack pipe does not mean its a bad thing. It is the exact same reaction when you interfere with an affair.

The affairee will do and say anything to punish you and get you to stop. This SCARES MANY MEN who are looking to APPEASE their wives. But appeasement won't save your marriage; rather Plan A tactics as you used above.
You have get tough here if you want to make it! This is not for the faint of heart!

So, don't be alarmed that you got the EXPECTED RESULT from exposure. Be assured that we did not "throw you under the bus." Your wife did that with her affair. So, buck up and hang in there! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

BetrayedToo - Since we all understand the emotional mess you are dealing with and how it clouds YOUR decisions and actions too, let's cut to the chase here. Feel free to disagree with anything that you don't think applies to your situation, but know that these opinions are from a person who's Christian wife had a 6 year long, continuous affair, and had accepted a proposal of marriage from the OM, pending our divorce (all of which was unknown to me until after I discovered the affair by accident).

First question, before getting into opinions. Is your wife a Psychiatrist or a Psychologist. From what your wrote, I'm assuming the she is the former, a Medical Doctor.

Second question. Is your wife a Christian? If so, is she "born again" or simply appropriating the name of "Christian" for whatever reason?


Okay, regarding being "thrown under the bus," your wife threw you under the bus when she CHOSE to end your marriage with adultery. Exposure was going to happen, it was merely a matter of time, when and who exposed it. If she moved out, don't you think others would naturally want to know WHY?

The "kill the messenger" sort of mental manipulation and contol is a favorite of people who don't want THEIR nefarious actions seen in the light of day, especially seen by others they may still feel they "care about." Not a lot that's very "caring" of anyone in a CHOICE to commit adultery, but that's the self-serving, self-delusional mindset of anyone falling into the black hole of adultery.

The "circle of knowledge" concerning an affair SHOULD be kept as small as possible, on a "need to know" basis, in order to make recovery easier if the WS decides to end the affair and to work on recovering the marriage. It's just a matter of how much baggage has to be sorted through, but KNOW this, NO exposure to anyone would have been necessary without your wife's WILLFUL CHOICE to commit adultery. The "exposure" is a CONSEQUENCE of HER actions and choices. ALL actions and choices have consequences and are NOT "free of charge." Think of it along the lines of "equal and opposite reactions." Affair = need for secrecy and lies. Exposure = the light of day and honesty about what she's doing.

As a Christian, it is your responsibility to let Christian light shine on dark sin. The PURPOSE of exposure and confrontation over sin is NOT to punish the offender. It is twofold: first to bring them to repentance of their sin against God (and you), and second to bring them to loving restoration of fellowship.

While I am touching upon the area of "control," which your wife likes to attempt to bash you over the head with in order to control YOU and allow her to continue in her sin....A Christian has already turned over CONTROL of their life to God. God is in control. God commands, WE obey. God is Sovereign, we are His servants.

DO NOT let humanistic mumbo jumbo masquerading as "Psychiatric manipulation" confuse or intimidate you. Stand with God and His commands and you WILL NOT go wrong. Confronting sin is NOT easy and will often get you accused of being "mean spirited" and "not nice." How "nice" is adultery? How "mean spirited" is a willful choice to commit adultery against God and against you?

YOU are afraid of losing her and your marriage. SHE knows that and is attempting to manipulate and control you so she doesn't have to "face the music" of HER choices. Don't fall for that sort of "guilting you" into condoning her sin.

But before all else, the sin must be discovered, confronted, and exposed.

YOUR marriage, like mine, was OVER when your wife chose to violate the Seventh Commandment OF GOD. In the past, your marriage would have ended in her stoning to death, thus freeing YOU of the bonds of marriage. Today, that is no longer the case as Jesus established the "Age of Grace." But YOU are still given the right to a divorce. Your wife is NOT given the right to divorce.

So the FIRST order of business, if you truly want to save your marriage, is that your wife MUST reestablish a relationship with God through genuine repentance of her sin and an ENDING for all time of her affair. There is no "half measure" with God. Anything less is sin and "fogtalk" to enable her to continue sinning.

That's enough for now because the rest is heavily dependent upon whether or not you are BOTH Christians.

I'll wait for your responses before potentially offering anything more.

By the way, my wife and I are now 4.5 years post "d-day" and have gone through Recovery and are now into Recovered for the past 6 months or so. With God, ALL things are possible. Without God, the individual reigns supreme. Think about it.

God bless.

Dude,

Get with it. Expose to everyone, OMs W, Wife's work etc... When she gets mad and starts going after you ask her point blank "If this is such a good and wonderful thing why do you want to hide it? Let's tell the world you are in love and it's great except for one thing, you are committing adultry!" This usually stops em cold.

Also talk to Orchid about reverse babble, it will throw her brain into overdrive trying to figure out why you sound like her and aren't making any sense.

As far as your kids go, they have a right to know, part of PORH, which you should be practicing now.

By the way no one threw you under the bus, you crawled there yourself.

The kids have a right to know but shouldn't become standby advisors. The stress of having your parents vent their frustrations to you, even as adults, is terrible.

Let them know what is happening, but don't make them your counselors.