Hi. I’m not sure why I’m writing – if I’m really wanting advice or if I’m just venting out my hurt. I’m hoping that I don’t get bashed here because I’m kinda vulnerable right now.

I’m married. Been married for 22 years. I’m almost 50. My husband is 53. In the beginning we were affectionate and loving. Our sex life was OK. After a few years of marriage we both began gaining weight. Diet and exercise just made us go up and down. I tried – I really did. He didn’t really try and gained more than me. He also began to reject me sexually. Even when I’d lost weight and was back to my ‘fighting’ weight. He made excuses to not have sex. The more he rejected me the more we both ate. This went on for some years until finally I realized that it had been five years since we’d had sex.

We went to counseling. We continued to diet. We tried to find activities to do together. He just couldn’t get it up for me. I got tired of begging and pleading and crying and finally just gave up. I keep seeing these commercials and health information about obese people losing their libidos. I figured he did – even though I didn’t. I would ask him and he said it was him and not me, and that there were other problems. I believed him.

I’ve seen a few people on here that have admitted to sexless marriages so I know I’m not alone. It seems like it’s the women who don’t want the sex though. I guess I’m such a horrid excuse for a woman that no man would want me.

Well. I was dealing with it OK until I helped him with a questionnaire he completed for a doctor (he was just diagnosed with diabetes). He said that there is no problem with his sex drive and that he does still get erections. WHAT! He won’t touch me! He won’t even let me touch him! OK. So we are both fat – but I still want him and I still am attracted to him because I love him. He won’t even talk to me about it. We’ve been to counseling – we’ve done the questionnaires on this website. It’s now been about a dozen years since we’ve had sex.

It gets worse. I did something that I would never have dreamed of doing even a few months ago. After his doctors questionnaire I got into his computer. I discovered that it’s not just my weight that turns him off (yes, that’s part of it) but I’m too OLD and too Willing. His PC is full of horrible rape videos and one picture of kiddie porn! His fantasy is apparently rape and 13 year old girls. The kiddie porn is obviously a photoshopped picture of the little girl in the Harry Potter movies – has her face and top of her uniform and obviously photoshopped the lower part of the body. That’s the only child picture I found – but he’s been going to porn sites that depict violent rape – including a paid membership.

I am just disgusted. He’s not the man I thought he was. When we were young I was more adventurous than him and I suggested role-play and we role-played a rape once – where he grabbed me as I got out of the shower and he tied me up, etc. It wasn’t that great because it was over pretty fast – but I pretended it was. He never wanted to do that or any other role-play after that. I wanted to try lots of things and he didn’t. I thought there must be something really wrong with me.

We discussed it. I didn’t hide that I looked at his computer or what I found – he tried to lie and tell me that it was just pop-ups when he was searching for something else – but he knew he was busted. I’m not that stupid.

I don’t have anyone else. I have some dogs and a cat, but no family or friends. I’m it. I’ve been so uncomfortable about my appearance that I’ve seldom tried to make any new friends – I guess I always felt like someone else said – if my husband didn’t want me then no one would. Now I can’t drive because of my vision which makes a social life or meeting people pretty darn difficult – there are no busses right where I live. I depend on him to drive me back and forth to work. Now I’m older and don’t have anything in common with anyone anyway I don’t have kids – my husband never wanted them (I’m glad now because if we’d had a daughter he might have raped her). But I did want them. I went thru menopause in my early 30’s though. My doctor then said that my lack of a sex life and my depression and stress over it played a big part in that.

He has friends and some family and an active life – even though he is so fat its judged differently on men than on women.

Yes, I am once again dieting and exercising – but I have a lot of weight to lose and it will take me a couple of years—if I can be successful. I don’t have health insurance and can’t afford to see a doctor to get some help, besides I’ve been down that road so many times in the past I know what to do.

I am depressed – extremely. I have no self esteem or self confidence. I don’t know what to do – or if I should do anything at all. I don’t want a relationship or even companionship. It’s too much work. I don’t want him either – but I’m terrified to be alone. We are both codependent – he hates change and I’m a known element so he said he won’t leave right now. He also has not worked in over 10 years – he’s on disability. I work. I couldn’t afford to stay in our home without his little bit of disability and he sure couldn’t afford to live in a nice place without my income. We are tied financially.

I feel more than neglected – I feel abused. No sex. No affection. Lies. Manipulation. Constant rejection. I feel stupid and used and so very afraid. If it weren’t for my cat and dogs I wouldn’t even want to live – I would have nothing to live for. THEY love me and THEY need me.

It’s hard to keep living in the same house with him now. I want so much to be loved – and being loved includes sex. I got into a discussion once about how women rag on men over pornography and men keep saying things like men are visual creatures and porn is nothing - its not love it’s just sex and why can’t women understand that! To which I replied – to men its just sex to women its love – why can’t Men understand that!

I could deal with regular pornography if we still had a decent sex life – but masturbating to rape videos instead of sex with the woman he claimed to love and who was always more than willing to please him – no matter WHAT he looks like or how much he weighs!

I’ve tried so hard not to feel anything. I keep a sporadic journal and over the last 20 years there are dozens and dozens of entries beginning with “NO FEELINGS” repeat it a hundred times until the feelings go away. Now I think I am the one incapable of love and that is fine – I don’t want to love because it will only hurt me and disgust the target of my love, further humiliating me.

I’m afraid he’s going to leave. He would abandon me to the responsibility of liquidating the house and putting the animals to sleep and the stress and burden of bills – he walked out once about 18 years ago – but came back when he broke down on the way to Canada and couldn’t afford the repairs. Should I just apologize for being stupid and acting like a woman? I’ve been so ashamed of any feminine behavior because he’s always laughed at me and made fun of anything feminine and called it stupid. Should I say I’m sorry? Should I promise to not say anything again? To not question? To not want? If so, how? How do I say that to him when I feel so numb and dried up? What if I cry! That is the worst thing I could do! It’s so female and weak and it is totally disgusting to see a fat middle-aged woman crying like a stupid child. I try so hard to never cry!

Its far too late to hope for a good marriage – a normal marriage. Even if I lost all the weight (I need to lose another 185 pounds – I’ve lost 40 so far. He’s lost 18 and needs to lose another 175) I could never be comfortable in a new relationship – I could never date again and I certainly wouldn’t be comfortable with sex. I don’t want to open those wounds again – its taken me many years to drown the flame of desire. What would I have if he leaves? I know I’m going to lose everything some day if he dies before I do – we have no life insurance or savings or retirement plan – we are paycheck to paycheck people since he went on disability and I don’t make much money.

Any suggestions on how I can stay in this situation and not go crazy? It was OK before I found the rape porn and before I finally admitted that he does still have a working libido. I could cope with no sex if it was a medical problem and he was not capable. But its not.

Why would you need to liquidate the house if he left? Are you unable to afford the payments on your income alone?

There may be other ways to keep your life as much like it is now even if he leaves. Personally, I couldn't live with a man who needed such horrible fantasies. Being alone would be better.

Many of us are a little overweight. You know it contributes to a feeling of sadness and depression, right? At least you are working on becoming healthier. That happens one day at a time.

I don't know where you live, but in my city there are agencies that screen and interview foreign students and homeowners or renters and match them up. They pay a stipend to the American who is willing to host a student, and the payment is slightly larger if the host is willing to include 2 meals a day.

Think about it: you get signed up for Weightwatchers on line, plan your meals, check the internet for the weekly specials on line, and fix healthy meals for you and one or two students. You have a nice young person living with you. They aren't friends, but they are company - another living, thinking being to have dinner and breakfast with.

It's not as good as having breakfast with a spouse you love, but it has helped our household.

If there is something like that in your area, it might help you to stay in the house and keep your pets.

Welcome, TossedAside...to the very place which helped me to change my life.

You're not alone.

You're not defective or wrong.

You're you. And right now, I believe you're hitting your absolute bottom...which is GREAT! To me, I hear you're ready to thoroughly understand, validate and change your life.

By changing your beliefs.

"I guess I’m such a horrid excuse for a woman that no man would want me."

This is a large part of your pain...what you CHOOSE to believe is hurting you...you are being mean, unreasonable and cruel to yourself.

Wanna stop that?

There is a lot of free help on the web...and in person counseling, free, you can find. You've done the questionnaires on this website...both the ENs, the RC and the LB? All three?

You are a whole, complete, marvelously made human being. That's not what you currently choose to believe. Remains true.

I konw, because you're a human being, just like me. Everyone. You are equal. Honestly. God made you this way...and you're an adult human, so I KNOW you choose what you believe, think, perceive and believe. Just like I do.

And I didn't know my human power (choice) and limits before making this journey two years ago. I do now. You can live a thriving life, TA...you really can! And it is only up to you...no one else.

Would you consider moving your post to the Infidelity General Questions II forum? They get the most traffic...and what I see you're dealing with is finding out about how much you've been betrayed, betrayed yourself...and where your focus has been for two decades (or more)...which is what they deal with. Your marriage lacks more than sex...intimacy, trust, fidelity, honesty and acting from love. All things people face in their lives...and often, within their marriage.

You aren't married to a monster...you are married to another human being...whom you have no control over...you aren't the cause or the cure for him...but you are, for yourself. Always have been and will be. Because you're human.

Changing your beliefs changes your life and your relationships. You can be depressed, feel totally annihilated...and later thrive. I'm living proof.

You are questing and you found this place...please read all you can...the articles, the posts...choose to really see you are not alone...and read where others have come to embrace, love, accept and create upward spirals in their lives...after living downward ones, caught within cycles they didn't understand...for all their lives. Change is knowing more about yourself and others...sharing who you really are...and I believe you are brave enough, fed up enough, to do just that.

I'm not disregarding your H's fantasies...or realities...you don't know what you don't know...I am married, happily, to a recovering sex addict. It's not about sex...it's about shame and secrets. Learning a lot about myself and addictions changed our lives...so I invite you to do the same.

Because your H is made by the same hands, in the same way...utterably human. His thoughts, feelings, beliefs, perceptions and perspectives are his and his alone. Not yours. Marriage habits can blur those lines...he is as capable, whole and complete...as you or I are...defining your own boundaries, standards...choosing to act from your own code and not based on his possible response is how you free yourself to get clear on what you want, why and how to get it. All yours. Your power.

What you make your goal decides your future...I encourage you to choose clarity...first. Then decide your life.

Welcome! Thank you for sharing your life...being brave and true...what a great step towards owning your life...

LA