I was just wondering about how to set up a Plan A. I cannot seem to find any real idea of what a real Plan A looks like? What boundaries are to be included, I know it involves a time frame, NC by a certain date... There are so many links, it is really difficult to find the answer to this question.

My wife told me of her "one night stand" last week. I confronted her based on one little note. I didn't have much proof, which I know I should have, now I am struggling with what to do. I strongly suspect this has been an ongoing thing, I want to move on to recovery, but she seems unwilling to do anything about it, because she says she is just miserable, and wants an out. I have started stepping up my snooping, and have talked to a few friends who are willing to tail her to help me out, in order to get proof. I do suspect it may be ongoing, hopefully what I do now will help fill in those gaps in my information, I should have had in the first place. She is so willing to hang in there for a while for the kids sake, I almost suspect a good Plan A may actually be a good thing for us, I am just having trouble finding exactly what should be on it.

So, what would be on a Plan A? Any step by steps?

With your wife's "claim" of "only" a ONS and her statement that she's "just miserable, and wants out," it is HIGHLY likely that the affair is not only ONGOING, but has been going on for some time.

Plan A is NOT about ending the affair. Plan A is about changes you make in yourself that result her seeing what she is choosing to leave behind. Regardless of the outcome, Plan A is intended to make you a better person, attractive not only to your wife, but to anyone else should your wife proceed with her plans to end your marriage.

Read up on THIS SITE about Plan A. Read the book Surviving An Affair by Dr. Willard Harley (the founder of this site).

There are many posts that have spoken about Plan A, so you can do a SEARCH for those posts. Just be aware that "Plan A" in the search box will return a LOT of posts that you will have to sort through.

Kuky - here's a link to the basic concept of Plan A and Plan B to get you started:

What is Plan A and Plan B?

God bless

FH,
forgive me, I am struggling to keep up. There is such an army of information on this site, I am struggling to keep up with it. Is what you are saying, is that Plan A is more giving her a glance at what a good person I really am, and not finding a way to end the A.

We have talked a lot, and she has no interest in staying. I too suspect, pretty much know, that she has someone lined up. I was very blind not to see it for probably 6 months or more. Guess I was just one of those "ours is different things", trusting someone you love can be a bitter pill to swallow when they use it to deceive you.

Even I strongly suspect another man hiding somewhere, if she is unwilling to do anything to pursue the marriage recovery route, is pushing for exposing the whole A and not just a ONS worth anything at all? Exposure being the great tool it can be, can it help in this case? Exposure, more of it, being pictures, video, text messages, email...

I would start with the emotional needs questioner. You fill one out and try to get her to do one also. If she will not do it, pretend you are her and fill it out for her.

Please tell us more about your situation.

Tu2

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A by Pepperband

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.

I've read the carrot and the stick before, but I guess it never sank in until now.

The first one in the stick part, does that I continue to try to dig up evidence, even though she admitted to it to me, and everyone we know? Plan A sounds as if it would give me some of my self worth back.

Plan A is infact a tool for breaking up the affair. If you click on the Plan A link in my signature below, Peperband explains all the steps in that outline given to you above.

Kuky, I would focus on two areas right now:

a. ending the affair

b. attracting her back by showing her your best side

In order to save your marriage, the affair must end so you have to do whatever you can to kill it. You may not be able to kill the affair but there is much you can do to inflict huge blows to it and hasten its death. The most important being EXPOSURE. Carefully gather your evidence and expose the affair to her parents, his parents, your parents, close friends and the workplace if this is a workplace affair.

If the OM is married, you would expose to his wife first. I would suggest doing this all in the same afternoon so you can get the maximum impact and so that they can't forewarn people that you are calling.

I would strongly suggest paying the OM a visit if you think you can do it without punching him out. Compare notes with him and allow him to put a REAL, LIVE FACE with the name he is actively seeking to destroy. Ask him "what are your intentions with my wife?" Tell him you will fight for your family and ask him if he is up to up? Is he up to being called into court? OM are usually ball-less wonders who sleaze around under rocks so you will likely scare the he11 out of him.

And this would not qualify as "one night stand." A ONS means she met some stranger in the bar and got it on in the parking lot. Your wife is showing EACH AND EVERY SIGN of someone having a full blown affair. She already KNEW this man. She has fallen in love with someone else, that is why she wants to leave.

When she speaks to you about splitting up, ensure her that you will not participate in a divorce. You will not move, you will not help her get custody, you will countersue on grounds of adultery and call the OM as a witness. She MUST understand that youu will not go down easy. This will buy you time and inflict a cold splash of water on her little fantasy. Say all this very calmly and very sweetly.

And be sure and PROTECT your finances. Cancel your joint credit cards and move any big cash you have.

I am going to have a PI follow her around this weekend, I just feel I need some level of proof, confirmation that the guy she has been lying to me about this last 6 to 8 months, is really the guy she had her fling with. I strongly suspect him. Not quite sure how confronting him would play out, may just be better not.

One question, about plan A. I cannot stand the sight of my wife. I have deducted that she has had sex outside the marriage at least twice in the last 2.5 weeks, and she says "Don't really love you anymore". I know there is another man... I cannot stand the sight of her, and will not touch her at all. I am on the virge of just filing the papers and be done with the whole thing.

I am trying Plan A, doing what I can, but is it good or bad for the plan that I cannot sleep in the same bed as her.

Kuky, it would be helpful if you could sleep with her, but if you can't, you can't. I also found my WS quite repulsive and couldn't stand to have him touch me so I understand how you feel. Sleeping apart from her only contributes to the already existing feeling of detachment in the marriage and doesn't help.

You wouldn't want to have sex with her, whatever you decide, until she has STD testing. Just don't let her know you find her repulsive because she will use that to justify her affair.

Kuky,

A PI is a great place to start to verify the A is ongoing.

Does she use the computer at home or does she use it at work? If she uses it at home, install a Keylogger. It is a great way to gather proof. It will give you the passwords to all of her email accounts and more. It will record every keystroke entered on the computer.

If you do come up up with any evidence, document it and save it in a safe place where she will NEVER find it. DO NOT ever reveal your sources to her.

In what way has she been lying to you about this guy for 6-8 months now? Do you know him?

Follow MelodyLane's advice as she is very knowledgeable, and she is a Legand on this site.

Hang in there!
Tu2

She does use the computer at home, but she does very little on it. I am very computer savvy, and most she ever does online, email, a few web sites, and that is it.

What I have done, I have started documenting everything, and encrypting the file everytime I add to it. Basically, I suspect this is an EA that started back in April. I became suspicious about it back then, and started snooping. Snooping revealed a few phone calls to her cell phone, maybe every once a while by a person she works with. Not very concrete proof, but the calls kept coming in, and I never heard anything from her who this guy was. Finally she wanted to go out with her friends, I said sure, no real reason in saying no. I found out that this guy was coming along, again, I found out after the fact. I kept spotting phone calls, cooresponding with "going out" so I asked her about it. Friends, no bid deal. I said I believed her when I didn't. I needed more proof. Finally, they met one night at a restaurant, and the next day the phone calls quit, no more mentioning the name, every source of information came up nil, I thought perhaps it had ended.

Until a month ago, the calls started back up, they went out again, wasn't told about his involvment until afterwards, then 3 weeks after that, was when she admitted to sleeping with some "guy", claimed was not the "Suspect" I had developed. Basically, after documenting so much, I recall a lot of half truths, and some blatent lies, all surrounding this one guy.

After admitting to the ONS, (which I believe to be an EA that turned physical) she said she wants out of the M, that she just doesn't love me anymore.

I have tried getting her to fill out the EN questionnaire, but she will not do it. SHe will no longer engage in civil conversation, just talk about the divorce.

I am trying a Plan A, for my kids sake, but I find her repulsive. Asked if we had any chapstick, when she pulled some out of her pocket, I just imagined where her lips had been. If the PI reveals that the A is currently ongoing, do I expose it to her family and friends, all without revealing my source?

She really wants this D, but I really wish she would give us another chance. In talking to her mother the other day, i learned that she had been half truthing her about it too... (She revealed the ONS/A to her mother) I suspect she wants to leave me for him, but how loving could this other guy be after allowing her to tear apart her family, betray her husband, and leave their kids to a broken home, all in exchange for some hot S once in a while. (Seems to be about once a week) Yes, meeting some unmet EN's, but as a man of honor, I can only take so much in my life, and her sneaking away weekly to be with this stranger, is just something I cannot take, yet, again for the sake of the kids, I feel I owe it to them to at least try.

But I get no cooperation from her, at all. Just "I don't love you anymore, I'm miserable"

Kuky, what is her plan if she wants a divorce? Is she planning on moving out? When will she be filing?

Most WS DO threaten divorce and claim to have been unhappy for a long time. This is CLASSIC WS foghorn text. Very FEW follow through because they really don't know what they want. Once the affair ends, they forget they ever wanted it, though. That is why you need to kill this affair by getting the goods and exposing it. Exposure is ruinous to affairs.

Your reaction needs to be that you love her and aren't interested in a divorce but you can't stop her if she wants one. Just make sure she understands that she will have to do all the work HERSELF and that you will fight it every step of the way. You will not move and you won't allow her to take the kids without a court order.

In the meantime, just continue to stay in Plan A and do your best to attract her back.

Thanks for the vote of support, TU.