My ww left her home and family on July 29/06 to be with her affair partner of 18 months. Since that time our 4 children,son 20, daughter 19, son 16 and a son 14, have refused to have any contact with her. I am concerned that my ww will think I am turning the kids against her.They are aware of everything that has happened. We live in a small community and everyone around here knew about the affair before we did.Any advice?

not2late -

IMO (I'm no expert, so take it for what it's worth, which may be nothing at all), it's irelevant what your WW thinks in the current situation.

She's left her family and her kids to be with another man. Your kids are old enough to make their own decisions. They've cut of contact with her because of her actions. She's just too fogged out to admit that to herself.

The best thing you can do is be the best dad you can be, and to not talk bad about their mother. That doesn't mean you need to condone her actions - you don't. But don't run her down in front of them. She's shown herself quite capable of doing that all on her own.

Bottom line - she made the choice to abandon her husband and kids. Any loss of contact with her kids by their choice is one of the consequences of her choice. Let her deal with it.

Are YOU still in contact with her????

Have you sent a Plan B letter, offering her a path back home and removing yourself from the situation to await the demise of the affair???

Have you fully exposed the OM???

Are you keeping a journal???

Mr. Wondering

In reply to Mr. Wondering. One month after my ww left I sent her a letter in which I expressed deep regret for the things that I did in our marriage which made her vulnerable to an affair and indicated that I would be very receptive to reconciliation. I did not set any conditions for her nor did I mention that I would have no contact with her. This is,I suppose, only part of a plan B letter.I have not seen her since she left and am very careful to avoid anywhere she may be.We have spoken by phone 3 times and I found each time very difficult. She has attempted calling a number of times but I do not answer.It is difficult with the kids here because she could be calling for them but they refuse to pick up the phone.About a month ago, my daughter, on her own iniative,sent her mother a letter.The only part she told me about was her refusal to have any contact with her mother while she is with the OM.I feel a full plan B letter would make my WW think that I was colluding with the kids in a plot against her.Any thoughts?

n2l -


I would disagree that this was part of a Plan B letter. A plan B letter, as I understand the concept, specifically tells the WS that you will no long have any contact with them (short of any necessary interaction regarding kids and finances, and even that should go through a 3rd party intermediary if at all possible) until such time as they are willing to meet your conditions for working on recovering the marriage (NC letter, counseling, etc).

Plan B is intended to follow a good Plan A, if the affair is still ongoing and/or the BS is beginning to lose their love for the WS.

I'm not familiar with your situation, so I can't ascertain as to how long you did Plan A, or how effective you thought it was.

Your wife has left, with no apparent intention of coming back. I would suggest that you contact a lawyer (if you haven't already), get your finances separated and everything else you need in place to protect you and your family from your WS.


Stop worrying about the effect your actions to protect you and your kids will have on your WS. She needs to suffer the consequences of her choices, and you need to set some very firm boundaries in place if you haven't already.

Write the Plan B letter. State your conditions for reconciling the marriage. Send it. Then stay dark. Very, very, very dark.

Work on you. Be the best person, best man, and best dad you can be.

Not2late

My kids are close to yours in age and they too, have chosen not to have much contact with their dad. It's hard for me because I hate to see them hurting. But they are reacting to HIS choices.

Your kids are old enough to make their own decisions about how they decide to interact with their mom. You just need to be there for them, and support what they choose to do.

What I've found helps with my kids is just letting them know how much I respect their decisions. I don't ask them to call or text their dad. I don't expect them to reach out to him. And I don't worry if he thinks I'm turning them against him. If he really cared, he'd ask them. I also don't run interference for him.

The only exception I have made in that is with my DS14. He developed a tic (excessive blinking) after my surgery and it got worse when chemo started.

I took him to IC and DS14 was able to share his fear that if something else happened to me,he'd be alone. We had a lot happen in a short amount of time. I simply let my son know I understood his fear.It's hard to see your mom in the hospital and tired when she usually has energy. No trying to "make it better".

Eventually there came a time I could tell his dad DS14 was dealing with this fear. I did this as my son's mom and not as a BS trying to provoke my WH into changing his ways. The fear alone was almost too much for a 14-year-old boy to carry. He couldn't very well say it to the man he thought had rejected him and would leave him alone.

I simply told my WH that the part of our son's fear that came from WH's choices, (fear of total abandonment) was WH's to fix. Not our son's. Not mine. I didn't even offer any suggestions.

DS14 is still in counseling and his blinking is nearly gone. He is now working on anger issues as well as fear.

My chemo is going well so far with minimal side effects(hair is thinning and I'm tired in the pm). One month almost down-five to go!

Hang in there. We all will make it!