Now that I have broken it off with my first serious relationship since my divorce, I just feel like I don't want to date anyone. I mean, I do want to find that special person someday but right now, it just isn't a priority.

I think maybe I should just try enjoying being single for a while. I have lots of hobbies so why not pursue them???

Anybody else ever feel this way???

i did immediately following my legal separation and probably up to 9 months thereafter. even the few i shortly dated just didn't feel right. after the nine month mark i started to feel ready and more like who i wanted to be and knew what i wanted. gekko and i have been getting to know eachother for seven months now and get together whenever we can. i do not see this stopping any time soon. we are both very happy and very comfortable with how things are going. it doesn't feel "wrong" like the other times i dated did. i am at a place now where i am ready.

but i relate to your feelings because i did feel them in the beginning. and that is what i did... threw myself into my kids, my school work, my job, my house, etc... and had no interest whatsoever in the opposite sex. it will change but everyone has a diff timeline so only YOU know when you are ready.

you and this lady you just broke up with seemed to move pretty quickly to me. not judging, everyone knows there own pace. but maybe you just weren't ready to move so quickly and that quickness may have just scared the heck out of you!

i know i cannot move fast. i have come way too far and am very independent. i know i can make it on my own. i want my relationship to go very slowly and be a success, not a disaster. i just don't think you can go wrong if you take it slow.

mlhb

I feel that way most of the time. My fear of getting hurt again, and a lack of desire to go through all the effort to find someone desirable to date has left me not bothering to date for many months. I've spent time with friends and family, and pursuing my hobbies. I've gotten to know myself and what's important to me. I've enjoyed only having to look after myself, and not always having to impress someone else, or work to meet their needs all the time in addition to my own. It is easier being single in a lot of ways.

But, in this society that's traditionally populated by couples, the pressure to find a mate always looms, and now and again, I do wish I had someone to come home to at the end of the day, someone to give and receive hugs from, someone to travel with, someone to maybe have a family with, and so I am going to delve into dating again.

Take a break for a while if it's what you sense you need. There's nothing wrong with that.

Jen:)

I feel like that most the time. I'm very happy being alone and with my children. There are days I get a wild hair and decide to go out on a date but I don't hold as much hope into a date ever turning into something serious as I used to.

I have made the observation that the older I get the more set in my ways I'm becoming and I'm not too sure there is a man who could be all that I need at this point. I like not having to answer to someone 24/7. I like spending my money how I want to. I like doing dishes and laundry when I want to. I like going places when I want to. I like laying on my couch and knowing I have full control of the remote..LOL. I'm thinking that life could be really wonderful with keeping a few men who want to date "whenever".

Right now...Men are like other people's children. They always go back their own houses at the end of the day. LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Oh at least once a day! OK, well, maybe not that extreme. I've been divorced for 6 years now and I completely realize that I run the risk of becoming the stereotypical eccentric old woman with a couple dozen cats but I don't even find that as threatening as dating!

I live in a small Midwestern town where it's often been said about finding a man that "the odds are good, but the goods are odd." And I'm not into internet dating - too old-fashioned. But the real coup de grace is that the longer I'm on my own, the less inclined I feel to do the work necessary to get to know someone. I'm lacking the incentive needed to put forth the effort.

My life is pretty full as it is and as far as a relationship, I feel BTDT, now I'd like to try something else. I think I'll feel that way until I feel something different - if that makes any sense. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I also live in a small Midwestern town (southern Wisconsin). What state do you live in?

To all, I have learned lots about my relationship and breakup. She was wonderful, so much more than my X. But I just wasn't ready for a deep relationship and she was. I can now see that I had a void and pain in my life from the divorce and I used her to fill it. But, I need to work on that void and pain on my own.

If there is any redemtion to all this, my GF helped me get my self-esteem out of the gutter. She is beautiful, happy, totally independant, intelligent, the list goes on... The fact that someone like that would want me made me feel better about myself.

The fact that I ended up breaking up with her, and hurt her doesn't make me feel good though. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I do believe that God put us in each others lives for a reason...

Keith

I felt like that for a long while.

I'm struggling with these same feelings. Just sort of blah about dating anyone anymore.

But part of the trouble I see with just going into yourself & becoming a party of one is that everything becomes all about ME!!! I see selfishness looming large!!! One of the hardest, yet finest aspects of the marriage relationship is that it provides a perfect tool that God can use to refine the selfishness away from our characters.

And, while it is difficult to accept at times, it truly is "more blessed (happy & fulfilling) to give...than to receive"!!!

The best people of this world aren't caught up in the trap of living for themselves. My remote for My TV shows. My house. My hobbies. My schedule. My everything.

It's a trap!! Albeit it seems appealing on first glance especially after the trauma of divorce & the typical self-centered dating scene we find out there.

Please don't misunderstand. I'm not picking on anyone here. I'm right alongside you. I have the same struggle now to become self-absorbed & self-centered.

But I'm praying hard & beginning to see there's a better way ahead than that.

Peace,
High Flight

I believe this statement to be true also Keith.

My life has taken some dramatic turns in the last 4 years.
I do think that the people I've met or had some kind of contact with in the past few years did serve a purpose.
May we never stop growing and appreciating.

As far as dating.....I have been on more dates during this phase of my life than when I was younger. I've for the most part, felt pretty numb to the dating life. Lack of "feeling". That's why I'm currently okay with my non-dating status.

K~

As you have pointed out I guess I'm not the best of people then because I AM liking answering only to myself (and my kids of course).

Someone once told me that I will be ready to date when I start thinking I am enjoying my single life too much! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I do believe there is some truth to that. That truly means a person is content and comfortable with themselves.

Please read & hear ALL that I've said here. Important words like "caught" "trap" as in trapped in a bad way, "living for themselves", as in self-absorbed & selfish.

I'm not at all saying we shouldn't answer to ourselves. We should. We have to!

But it's not ONLY to ourselves. Yes the kids too of course. But we have a higher power & calling to answer to as well. What is His purpose for our lives?

In addition, we have those around us to answer to in one way & level. Neighbors, work associates, church family, friends, fellow countrymen, etc.

Life is more than about having to answer TO ourselves. We will also have to answer FOR ourselves at the end of it all too.

That is where the refinement of relationships can come in to help.

But fully agreed, no one should feel pressured to leave singleness until the time is right. And for some, the call is to singleness. For most, it isn't. Singles have to guard hard against narcissistic self-centeredness. No question about it. Marrieds have to fight against all the drama & surrender of self required by intimacy in marriage.

Both have a battle with self to fight. Just fought in two different arenas.

Peace to you in the battle!
High Flight

High Flight,

Married people have to guard against it as well. I think I get the jist of what you're saying but marriage is no cure for selfishness. Ultimately, aren't marriages destroyed by the selfishness of one or both parties involved?

The only difference that I see is that married people are more likely to have their selfishness contested on a regular basis.

It appears that you might be offended by the particular rhetoric used by the previous poster. MY house, MY hobbies, MY everything. "My" is just the possessive form of "I" and if I'm single and paying MY bills, then it is my house, my TV, etc. If I remarry, then "I" becomes "we" and the possessive form of "we" is "our." OUR house, OUR hobbies, OUR everything.

Thank you Fraulein!!

Maybe I didn't make myself clear enough with all my "I's" but you have hit the nail on the head.

I am definately okay with being an "I" and not a "WE" right now.

HUGS!

Fraulein,

I think I've made it quite clear that marrieds have the big battle of self to fight too. I stated that BOTH singles & marrieds essentially have to fight the same battle, just different arenas.

Yes! Selfishness is always found at the root of destroyed marriages!! We can all here attest to that beyond doubt.

I never felt "offended" by anyone's choice of words. That word selection wouldn't be accurately reflect what I felt.

My entire point is that as current & perhaps on-going singles we all need to be very aware of the trap of selfishness that awaits us all as we begin to focus on the Me, Myself, & I lifestyle that can so easily develop.

Throw in the mix that many of us here have been truly burned & devastated & unjustly divorced by our ex's and we all have a strong potential for pity party/self absorbtion/victimization, therefore I deserve to focus solely on me --- approach to our ongoing singleness.

Please don't misunderstand. I don't know ANYONE here well enough to say that ANYONE here is doing that. But I know my own heart & I will honestly say that I've found I need to guard against that very directly. And I suspect I'm not alone in this, nor unusual.

Just be aware, as we all try to take care of ourselves (which is not bad to do), that we also need to be very honest with ourselves & not allow self-absorbtion to creep on in. It can/will ruin any future relationship potential for sure. And we will end up with alot of negatives to answer FOR...all the while we thought we were enjoying only answering "To" ourselves.

Last thought: one of the most startling, but spiritually maturing thoughts I ever received during counseling was this --- Marriage is God giving you a partner who is like a full length mirror that continually says; "Now THIS is what you are REALLY like!"

Yes....I can't seem to muster up the enthusaism. I've met several very nice, pleasant men. Only one has seemed interested in me..but I felt as another poster said numb and have a lack of feeling. I hope this passes because I did like being married and having the potential of companionship throughout my life. I just canceled a date because I just don't feel ready. I feel guilty not really showing up with the proper level of enthusiasm.

Been sad this weekend. Not sure why but it's been a hard one.
Cis

Yes, I go through phases when I don't want to date. It usually occurs when my bank account is low. I find a few weeks or a month of not dating does wonders for saving money.