My girlfriend (we're in limbo at the moment) and I have been dating for 3 1/2 years. We began dating in high school and I am now a jr. and she is a sr. in college. We broke up when I moved away (3 hours) to college. We dated other people and dated each other again then saw some other people again. We have always been extremely happy when we could actually live in the same place, but the distance for such a long period has always been hard. I have been away most of past 2 summers as well and this has made life even more difficult. Our breakups have been somewhat messy with some hurt feelings on both sides.

We had been back together for almost 2 years and I thought everything had been worked out. We have been very happy and a stronger couple than in the past. Though we were not yet engaged we had talked about every detail of our future life and were only waiting on graduation for marriage. When school began again this year, about 3 weeks in, I suddenly found myself dumped for false reasons i hear mentioned in other posts. She was almost immediately in another "relationship" with someone and tried to deny this fact. Obviously the distance did not allow each other to fulfill all the emotional needs of each other and she had a temporary replacement for this problem. Nasty things were said, I cut her off completely, and I thought this was a permanent end.

Now within 3-4 weeks she is back, asking forgiveness, and offering to do anything to work out her own personal problems and to make us work as a couple. She has began seeing a therapist, reading self help books, and is dating absolutely no one until she feels she can be on her own and knows if her and I can work out it out. It seems she is willing to change, but I feel extremely conflicted about the entire thing. I would love nothing more than to be happy and create a life with this woman, but the same hurt, anger, and resentment that would come from infidelity and abandonment in a marriage is what i feel. This is compounded by the inability for us to live together in the same place for at least 1 more year and possibily 2. This creates the same problems and allows little oversight into her activities.

My question is, should i try to make this work, as you reccomend to couples who have already tied the knot, or should i take my losses now and move on before there is a marriage, kids, and other complications to worry about?

Sincerely,
Conflicted and Confused

mac2885,

I hope you want to hear an honest opinion.............I honestly would RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's hard enough to get through this situation after being married for 26 years (like me) but if I'd imagine that it would of happened so early in my relationship, I wouldn't of had anything positive to look back at.

What qualities does your girlfriend have that you think are so special/unique that you would want to go through this pain???

Is she attractive?
Is she "sexually" attractive to you?
Is she a good listener?
Does she admire you?
Is she honest?

What "Emotional Needs" does she fullfill for you that seem to be worth this???

If you are very honest with yourself, I'm sure that you will realize that she might fullfill some of your needs but not the needs that are important in order to marry someone and to build a functional family together with.........

Just a little while ago, I read something very interesting..........."In early years of dating, you usually "see" what you might be getting in the future," the only problem is that most of us seem to close our eyes during this time and we expect the future to simply turn out positive.
I'd say that she's showing you what you might be getting in the future.............."Open your eyes!"

bb

mac2885, I've been there, and done that <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />.

My GF (at the time) and I were in a loving relationship for just about two years. She left to go overseas to study, and within weeks was engaging in SF with someone else. When she returned, she told me she was sorry, she loved me, etc. etc., we made up, and eventually we got M'd.

12 years later, she was unfaithful again, but this time the A lasted a lot longer and she brought it into our home. But we have two kids, combined finances, and several years together which makes it much more difficult to walk away at this point. I now have to find a way for our M to work with not only the stain of infidelity on it, but with a FWW that does not feel the same "loving" way towards me as she's felt before. This is a situation I would not wish on anyone.

So my advice would be to walk away, and not have any communication with that GF again. Someone who has cheated before, and hasn't dealt with the "why" of her infidelity will likely cheat again, and nursing a relationship with her will adversely affect your opportunity to meet and foster a good strong relationship with a woman who meets your ENs as well as you meet hers, a woman who will be a lot less likely to cheat on you.

This is quite true. Unfortunately, when you're "in love" with someone, it's very easy to overlook things that you would not overlook under other circumstances. "Love" makes us blind.

this is the same advice i've heard from friends, but very few of them have been in any type of real or serious relationship. It is good to hear it from people who have been there and have a better perspective. Everyday I feel differently about it. Some days I think we could move past it, others i think there is no chance. It seems I now know what i need to do, I just have to figure out how to do it.

Look forwards!!!!!!!Never back!!! I'd also advise you to get the book: "His Needs, Her Needs"

This will give you alot of insight for the future!!! Even though I don't know you, you deserve to be treated with love and respect, no matter what. Don't ever allow less!!!!

I don't know how old you are but I do know one thing.........it takes many years to learn to "trust" your own feelings. There are many times in life when I had to make decisions. The older I got, the more I learned to trust what my gut was telling me.

You seem to be quit young and therefore you have many years to learn this too...........I can only tell you from my experience that when something starts off with such a struggle and so many doubts..........it usually never turns out to be better.

Listen to your gut, no matter how hard it might seem to be. Read the book and start off fresh..........and don't look back!!!!

bb

Just wanted to chime in: I fully agree with BB & MIM.

Right now you have been given an "insight" into her very likely future behavior.

You have a choice to make at this time: Do you want to move ahead with this GF knowing that she may "fall" back into these old patterns? Yes / No?

Yes: Realize that you are setting YOURSELF up for the possibility of a reoccurance. You would be CHOOSING to give her another chance knowing her past performance. You are forewarned.

It may not happen; but the odds are against this.

No: You will have the ability to choose someone else with whom there is no "taint" of infidelity working against you. Trust will not have to be worked on / repaired.


I would recommend No: Right now there are no other mitigating factors. It is simply a choice of: Is she right for me? At this point, I don't think so!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> [color:"pink"] [/color] Hi I am new to this site but it has help me along with me reading surviving an affair to understand what has happen within my marriage. I just found out that my husband is having an affair. R [color:"pink"] [/color] [color:"pink"] [/color] ight now thing are hard and sometime I want to leave but at other time I want to stay. He come home for now but I know soon that may stop. I see from reading the book how this could have happen, because I know that I was not meet his most important emotional needs. I am trying to get him to do counseling but he has not agree, he did agree to read the book which will be a start. If anyone has some advise please help because I am trying to save my marriage and right now it is look pretty grim.

I have lived with my husband for 30 years now. After 2 years of living together, he went on a holiday by himself and cheated on me, the same thing happened again 2 years later, and again one year later. I was not very threatening, I just explained I was hurt and I did not want that sort of relationship. We then had children. 6 years ago he had to take a job abroad and we can only see each other 3 days a week. April 2005, I learnt that he had had an affair dragging on for several years. It was finished. Now I am trying to cope with the tremendous hurt. What happened 25 years ago, I had forgiven him and I had nearly forgotten. But now it has come back with full force. Although he is very very apologetic and looks after me with devotion, I am devastated. You do not have a family yet, you can start again.

mac,



Absolutely accurate!!