For the last 1 1/2 weeks, my H and I have been talking about a possible reconciliation. I don't know what to do. He has been so awful in the past (please see my other posts for details), and still blames me for a lot of our problems, however he has started saying that he was at fault as well. I am now so torn up inside, that I can't eat or sleep again. I have realized through this that I do love him with all my heart, and would like to find a way to work it out. But, (and its a big but) he has hurt me so very very much in the past, and with the recent discovery of his affair, I'm having a real hard time trusting him. H still drinks, although he has not been drinking quite so much. We spent the weekend together, and it was wonderful. He was loving, kind, attentive, and helpful all weekend. Told me how much he wanted to work things out. Told me he would do whatever it takes to make me trust him and would tell the OW it was over and there would be no more contact. Told me how hard he would try to show attention and affection to me, and he did do this over the weekend. I felt like I needed to pinch myself because I thought I was dreaming. He has never been this way with me before. He drank less than a 12 pack from Friday through Sunday night (MAJOR change for him, his normal rate is an 18 pack a day) and I must say I thoroughly enjoyed his company, and he said he enjoyed mine. <P>So, Monday morning I felt like things were looking up, and there was a definite chance we could work things out, since that is what he told me for the last 4 days. Last night he got drunk. He came over and began telling me what I was doing wrong, and that he didn't think I was ready to try again. He did tell me what he was so upset about . . . he had gotten copies of the interrogatories that I was made to fill out a month ago, detailing all of the abuse and problems in our marriage (we are in a custody battle). His atty. ordered these completed by me. I had no choice but to complete them, and had done so before we had even started talking about getting back together. He is still upset with me today about this. I told him that my answers were the truth, and that I did prepare them well before we started talking about getting back together. I was very loving to him, and kind, and didn't lovebust. So what do I do now? How can I trust him, get over what happened and go on from here? Or, do you think that he is now trying to get out of his commitment to work things out? I have spent numerous hours praying about this. Please help me pray for a resolution. I love him and think that deep down, he does love me. <P>Also, I need to know if there is a letter on this site that can be used as a guide for my H to send to the OW. He tried to call her to tell her that it was over, but she hung up on him. We have to have closure on this or it will never work out. <P>Thank you all for listening, and for your prayers.

Letter: I have been stupid. I realize that you are not worth losing my family for. i was weak and lonely. I'm sorry for my mistakes. Please do not contact me again as I will not contact you.<P>Simple, crude, rude. Sure, but I'd love my W to send this to the OM <P>As far as this past weekend I can't help but fell it might have been loneliness making you think things were ok. You must be ok with yourself to ever be ok with each other. Do not pray for your marriage. Pray for yourself. take care of you and the marriage will take care of itself.

I don't feel qualified to give any advice. I just want you to know that I'm listening and praying for you. <BR>p.s. I hate alcohol (the drink.) Oh it is a seductive b**** that destroys families much with white hot intensity. My dad destroyed our family with alcohol and I still hate her(alcohol) to this day. I almost feel as if it were another person that my Dad loved more than us.<BR>God bless.

I don't normally jump into this type of advise as what I am about to say may hurt, may be none of my business, or maybe wrong. Just know that I do not intend to hurt, butt in or be wrong , but you won't like it if I am right. hmmmmm<P>So, what am I hemming and hawing about.<BR>Spit it out Beth!<P>Your nick name says it all. Your husband is in need of some REAL help. Your marriage is doomed if he continues to drink. You know this. He really cannot even drink a little. While "drinking just a little" he was a nice guy. All the things you have loved about him for years. Right? Maybe. But he demonstrated soon thereafter the major change his personility goes through when he drinks "Just one more" He has a problem and if you take him back now before he solves his problem, it will become your problem too. AGAIN! <P>What's he like when he does not drink for a day, or two or even a week? Would you recognize him? Would he even know himself?<P>You love him, yes. Do you love what he is doing to you? Do you love the way he treats you when he has been drinking? "no" Do you love what he is doing to his body? "No" <P>This time may be just the chance to save the man's life. I really think Plan B is in order until not only the OW is totally out of the picture, no doubt about it, But alos until he has been sober for at least 6 months, a member in good standing in AA, and dedicated to rediscovering what you two have going for you, without the haze of booze.<P>I may sound harsh here, Don't really mean to be. I am not against drinking in general. I have a drink upon occasion, perhaps that is why I think not drinking at all should be a condition of a reconciliation. I know how alcohol fogs the mind, numbs perception and loosens lips. It very neary distroyed my marriage! Fortunately, we were not daily drinkers and to cut way back was not a problem, but most of our biggest disapointments and arguments with each other were when we had been drinking more than two or three drinks.<P>Another point, I like myself and my H a lot more when we are sober. Sex is a LOT BETTER!<BR>Conversations are a lot more productive and thoughtful of feelings. I could go on and on.<P>From what you have said about your H, I really don't think he is the kind of drinker who can just cut-back. I really thinks he needs to QUIT!<P>Sorry. Please forgive me, don't be mad at me, and at least give it a little thought. Just had to tell you what I see from this side of the puter..<P>

AW:<P>I would give Dr. Harley a call on his radio show (2-3 PM Central) and ask him for advice. He has worked not only as a marriage counselor but also with people suffering from chemical dependencies.<P>But if you read the Q&A's on this website that deal with alcoholics, you'll see that he recommends that the addiction be dealt with first, before the marriage. He's got two addictions---alcohol and the OW. I would suggest that you continue with a separation until he can get himself straightened out. If he returns to you and then starts with old behavior (either alcohol or OW), he's going to kill what love you have for him.

Thank you all for your posts. I know you are right. I HAVE to stop seeing him, but how? I am SO confused and torn up inside. I am beginning to think I am as addicted to him as he is to alcohol. When we first separated I didn't see or speak to him for a month due to a protective order. In fact I have only been speaking to him for the last 2 1/2 weeks. He has such a power over me, I can't seem to shake it. I have told him in the past that the only way for me to get over this is for me to never see or speak to him again. He tells me I can't do that because of our son, who lives with me. I've got to get my head together, and soon. I am terrified he is going to break my heart again. He is back over here again tonight (says he came to see my son for dinner) and still wants to try again. I don't know if its me he wants or what we have together. . . child, the house, cars, nice furniture etc. He told one of our close friends that he can't bear to lose me, his son, and everything we've worked for all these years (we've been together 17 years). But yet, he can't stop drinking. I could tell by his eyes when he got here tonight he'd had a few. One of these days he's going to get stopped for drinking and driving and then his life as he knows it will be over. And he will ruin mine at the same time. How can I stop loving him? Is that possible? I continue to pray for him to see what he's doing to himself and us. Right now, I doubt that anything short of a miracle will get through to him.

I think you nailed it. You're addicted to him. Experts say we often seek out relationships that reflect our childhood wounds. If I were an expert, and I'm not, I would say you had a childhood relationship where someone (your Dad?) ignored you or neglected you or both. <P>I think you've been trying very hard to be good enough to get your H's full & undying attention/love ie: laundry, laying out his clothes, all the cooking, cleaning, household errands, raising a son, making excuses for your drunk H, keeping up appearances for your family & friends, accepting physical abuse, allowing him to abuse your son, etc. etc. "Wasting your life" as you once said.<P>And all that you did for him, he still wouldn't leave his mistresses (bottle & OW) and love you like you feel you deserve. He can't - sometimes an jerk is just a jerk and it's no reflection on you or what you've done or didn't do.<P>Right now you've got the upperhand, so to speak. He's begging for you to reunite - remember what I posted to you a long time ago? He's got a good thing in you and he's not going to make it easy for you to leave. Who else would have this drunk, cheating, physically abusive man? No self-respecting woman would put up with his crap for one minute. <P>I'm praying you'll get it together and find your strength. He's gonna break your heart again, you're going to waste more years of your life, and little by little what tiny bit of self-esteem you possess will be eaten up by this man who abuses alcohol, abuses you, abuses your son, cheats on you, and plays mind/heart games on your shredded soul. <P>You have the power to change your life. Use it & God Bless. God will help you but you have to make the baby steps in the right direction first. Very scary, not easy or painless - but worth it in the end. <P><BR>