Okay. I need some help. A year and a half ago, my boyfriend of 9 years lost his father to cancer. His father was very young and this devastated him. He was healing though. Now back in May, by boyfriends best friend passed away suddenly one night. In a horrible way. Since then our relationship has disintegrated. In February my father was diagnosed with cancer, and we were told recently that he would not survive. He has been moved to a Hospice Center.

Back in June, our relationship was under alot of strain. He began to pull away from me. He was talking exclusively to another woman (a family member, although only by marriage) when I asked him what they spoke of so frequently he said his recently deceased best friend. This family member that he was speaking to happened to be his best friends wife. I didn't like it. I questioned him so often that he became secretive. Things escalated and eventually we talked it out. There was nothing going on, I just felt very uncomfortable with him talking to another woman and being so secretive about it. He has started drinking heavily. Almost everyday. And then last week he told me he was leaving me. He hasn't moved out yet, and he hasn't told anyone of the breakup. (He may have at work today, I don't know) Last night he told me that he feel as though he is no good for me or for our 6 year old daughter. He said he is still in love with me but he will ruin ou rlives if he stays with us. He said that is not happy anymore, and he doesn't want to be happy anymore. I believe he is depressed. Our relationship was a good happy relationship until he had suffered so much loss in his life. I feel as though I have driven him away and ruined the faith that he had in me when I accused him of being unfaithful. I mis-read all the signs. I may have damaged what we had forever. I don't know why I became so jealous and untrusting of him. He has never given me a reason to doubt him before. I used to be his best friend and confidant, and I destroyed and in the process made him even more depressed. Even still, I feel if he's still in love with me, then there is still hope. Please any advise would be so appreciated. I am in love with this man, and I see what I have done wrong. I have told him all of this but to no avail. He is leaving. He needs to be around his family. Someone as depressed as he is shouldn't be alone. He also refuses to seek help. Please help us, and pray for him. Thanks in advance.

Also, if there are any men out there I would like to ask if you were so adamant that you were leaving, wouldn't you have left already? As of now he has made no move towards leaving and has yet to tell ANYONE of our split. I know that guys are different than women, they don't talk and "share" like we do. So do you think he wants to leave, and he just hasn't told anyone because guys don't talk? Or could it be that he doesn't really want to leave? Please someone throw me a bone? Thanks guys. I feel like I'm lost. We were supposed to get married next July (07). I really need his support, with all that is going on with my father. I'm so heartbroken without him....

I see that you’re hurting a lot right now but I think you need a reality check. I don’t want to upset you but I’m going to be very hard on you up front and question some of your basic assumptions about your life with this guy.

First talkers don’t leave and leavers don’t talk. He is trying the idea on for size to see how it feels before acting on it. But his talking of leaving is definitely waving a major distress flag.

I would say you have three problems here at least. The first is that you are not married and people who are not married are, by definition, setting themselves up for their temporary partner to walk out whenever it’s convenient – that why you live together instead of getting married in the first place. So you get what you pay for.

Second problem is his drinking as a means of coping with the trials and pain of life. What part does drinking play in your lives before all this tragedy happened? Does your partner have a track record of drinking to avoid reality? So we have a guy who won’t marry you and who drinks when things get tough. He also threatens to leave when things get tough, right?

But you love him and want him to stay? So my question is if you met him at a social function and he said to you “Hi you’re cute, let’s live together. I wont marry you even if we have kids together, I drink to excess in the face of life’s problems and if it gets too uncomfortable I’ll walk out on you and our kids” What would you say?

Love’s not enough. You need commitment, respect and care. Does he deliver on those? Is this man really someone you want for the rest of your life? My two cents worth is this. Tell him what your standards are and refuse anything less. Show him that you respect yourself too much to put up with his childish, selfish behavior and he either gets his act together or he’s out. If he’s clinically depressed then you’ll support him to get professional help. But other women, excessive drinking and threatening to leave is over, right now.

Men respond to a firm hand and facing down what they stand to lose by being a jerk.
Do you have the self-respect to do this? Maybe not, because you have accepted his behavior for 9 years. Now’s the time to lift your game too. Maybe he’s the man you deserve and maybe not, but you have a chance now to find out.