There have been some threads recently that have had posts which suggested or stated that having sex with a WP is a good idea when trying to "win" the WP back. This line of thinking is ridiculous and irresponsible at best. Forgetting about the degrading aspect of KNOWINGLY sharing your partner with someone else... STD's can and do kill people every day.
Anyone that is engaging in SF with a WP is screwing the OP as well (as well as any partner that OP might be screwing)... and so on and so on. It reminds me of the old shampoo commercial where one person suddenly was 50 on the screen. If the OW or OM is low class enoug to screw your mate... imagine what other skeltons that have hanging in their closet.
Do yourself a favor and keep it zipped up until you KNOW you are the only one getting any and after the STD tests are done. No WP has a right to kill you. Protect yourself at all costs.... even if it means losing your spouse.

Agree 1000000000000000% possibly more.

I can't argue that SF could be a tool to regain the spouse..but I definitely believe the price is too high.

Not only do I think the price is too high in regard to STDs [which ..sadly...I really DOUBT that people who ARE having SF with a WS are *really and truly* considering as a probability..most seem to be going into denial instead] but also in regard to my heart and my dignity.

Yes, perhaps always a ton or bit foolish.

Is it ALWAYS a bad idea. I disagree!

In my sitch, OM was 750 miles away. I wasn't sharing my wife physically with OM and while I was engaging in SF with her, even though she wasn't emotionally into it, I WAS messing with OM. My snooping revealled she told him about it and I know that made him feel very insecure and frustrated. I heard her try to assure him that she was "thinking of him" but that wasn't always the case. It was difficult; but, staying connected that way did help ME and it made the unrealness of the fantasy more apparent and understandable later in recovery to both of us.

PLUS....Mrs. W is one of the a few WS's around here that actually did make OM wear a condom...EVERYTIME. (We also solely use condoms as our birth control so I was some-what insulated as well). While not full-proof...certainly reassurring. I also retionalized to myself at the time that OM was only 6 months out of a divorce. He'd been married since he was about 22 years old...he certainly had been with very few women in his life. I can't vouch for his cleanliness; but I do believe NOW his conduct with Mrs. W was an abberetion (sp?) of his character as well. Afterall, HE was the one that did eventually end the fantasy affair.

I think if you are going to mess with the affairee's and continue sexual relations then you should most definitely wear a condom. Even if that's not your normal thing you should do it and explain to your spouse that doing so is necessary to protect your health OR the children (if any). IF by chance the WS caught something, the kids can't afford to have both parents sick with some awful STD like AIDS. It also sends the message that they are sleazy but using the protecting the kids line protects you from the wrath of implying your wife is a slut (doesn't usually lead to SF...if you know what I mean). If your husband is the WS then he won't care about being called a slut but he may not really like having to wear a condom, but at least you are meeting an emotional need. (I have never seen it on MB...however, why not advise the BW's around here to put salt-peter in the WH's food or drink so even if they wanted SF (with OW or WW) they couldn't for no explicable reason...I bet they will internalize it as guilt...hehehe)

Much love R...I'm really agreeing with you, just not to such absolute extent.

Go Tigers.

Mr. Wondering

ummm last time I checked, condoms are very ineffective against HPV. And STD's can be spread through oral as well as vaginal intercourse. So unless there has only been an EA with no physical contact, the only safe way to do this ever is to be sure there is no other partner and that testing has been completed.

Hope you are well.

The National Institutes of Health’s Report on Condom Effectiveness did not find any epidemiologic evidence that using condoms reduced the risk of HPV infection. However, they do state “results did suggest that condom use might afford some protection in reducing the risk of HPV-associated diseases, including warts in men and cervical neoplasia in women” (Condom Report ii par. 5).

MEDC,

I agree that STD’s and A’s spell tragedy for any family that is unlucky.

I explain to my oldest son continuously that poor choices coupled with bad luck sometimes spell tragedy in our lives.

The biggest problem that I see with this concept of prophylactics use and STD testing is that it seems that MOST WS’s don’t sit their BS down and explain that they are potentially diseased promiscuous adulterers.

At least that was my case. And believe me it caused as much damage to my psyche knowing that my W exposed me to potential death as the fact that she had sex with some other man.

Still, I do agree that if you find out before you are exposed, by all means protect yourself diligently!

The other side of the coin, though not directly related to MEDC's point, is what the BS does once a they found their S has been unfaithful.

In my case, my FWW and I had already had SF before I found out about the A. Not having found MB yet, I believed her when she said it was only oral, despite my misgivings <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Sometimes I think the BS may feel that since they've already been exposed, what's the point? Yes, not a good idea, but still probably not that unusual. Then again, in our situation it wasn't a case of my wife having sex with OM and myself in the same timeframe.

On the surface, the question seems simple. But in the middle of the affair, emotions often overrule the mind.

I count myself lucky - I didn't get anything, and neither did MP.

I can definitely relate to that. I still feel chills when I contemplate that my wife's year-long A with an OM who was carrying on an A with someone else at the same time could have exposed me to HIV or some other deadly or disfiguring STD. And what makes it worse is that it was my FWW that made the choice to not use condoms - the OM had originally indicated his intention to do so and she let him know that it was not necessary to use them. It's one of those things about her A that I'm having a lot of difficulty forgiving.

MEDC:

I don't know how long you've been around here but a lot of folks here know that I have very, very STRONG FEELINGS about this topic. I do not really choose to debate with you about this. I will talk to you about it. I'm definitely not going to change my position about this because I feel so strongly about it. I love my husband so much that I can't begin to describe my feelings about him here. I am so happily recovered with him and I am so thankful to have HIM back in my life. I don't have the words to describe that experience to you either.

That all being said, I would most definitely "make love" with him again during his A if I had to live that horror over again.

I would NOT advocate this for anyone else.

It was a CHOICE that I DELIBERATELY made.

It was definitely a RISK that I CHOSE to take.

I work in the medical field where almost by the minute a COMPETENT PERSON is given the option to REFUSE medical treatment that could save their lives.

A COMPETENT PERSON can make such decisions about their lives.

I chose to take that risk. I weighed the likelihood that I would be harmed. I used as much protection that I could. For me, for several different reasons, the risk was minimal.

On the other side of the coin, I am absolutely 100% positive that my marriage would not be recovered if I had not had SF with my H. The benefits OUTWEIGHED the risks FOR ME.

I find it to be disrespectful to make the assumption that EVERYONE has to to agree with your position or they are WRONG.

There are plenty of people who continue to SMOKE. There are plenty of people who continue to OVEREAT and are morbidly obese, etc., etc. etc.

We are competent adults who can make our own choices about how we want to lead our lives.

Here, IMO, we are to OFFER ADVICE and to SHARE OPINIONS and to not CONDEMN others for actions for which we do not agree.

Mimi... if I wanted to debate anything with you, I would have addressed this thread to you.
You have stated your opinions very clearly. I think your words do a better job arguing my position than I ever could so I will let them stand.



from inhiscares thread:



sure sounds like you are advocating safe behaviors.

Have a nice day.

And Mimi... how did I condemn anyone in my original post? I offered my opinions.
Oh, and BTW, smoking is clearly wrong behavior too! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> Maybe, I was mistaken. I thought you were referring to this post because you did address this issue on that thread..without saying my name..so I went ahead and responded to you....but, as I said the other day, I do mistakes every now and then... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />



Oh my, I'm being defensive..BUT...

I was NOT ADVOCATING SAFE BEHAVIOR..

I never said it was SAFE....

I don't see the word SAFE anywhere in that post....





That's just it. I DO NOT CONSIDER IT TO BE WRONG to have sex with your husband or to smoke. I consider it WRONG for my H to have been having sex with another woman. What I was doing was TOTALLY RIGHT AND MORAL!!!

I AGREE with you that both of those ACTIVITIES are UNSAFE BUT NOT WRONG ... but FOLKS take the RISK.....

Many of the folks that choose NOT TO HAVE SEX with their WSes are continuing TO SMOKE and to OVEREAT. What's the difference?

EXACTLY.



You're right about it being right and moral..... but it is also not very smart.




It is shocking to me that working in the healthcare field that you could ask a question like this. But okay.... here goes... someone could smoke and overeat themselves to death... or, they COULD decide to stop that behavior and reestablish a healthy lifestyle. Once you have HIV or HPV... it is a gift that keeps on giving for life.... no cures... no second chances. Plus as an added benefit, it is a gift that is bestowed upon the victim at the hands of another... eating and smoking are what we do to ourselves. Second hand smoke kills innocents... just like wayward spouses kill the innocents too... and far too often, not just their spirit. It is a choice that is irresponsible Mimi... that is not an opinion, it is a fact. It is high risk sexual activity in a time when NO ONE can afford to act in such an irresponsible manner. You may not agree with that, but frankly, you are just plain wrong about this.

MEDC - I don't disagree with your premise but I will say this...


This may be true in many cases but in Mimi's case she was no victim - she did this with her eyes open in full knowledge of the possible consequences.

Adults are capable of doing pretty dumb things and certainly a BS having SF with a WS falls into this category but if they knowingly do this then they are volunteers. Also many a BS has unknowingly had SF with a WS so it makes no real sense to tell them they must not continue to do so when the affair has ended - they are already exposed and SF can be a big factor in re-connecting. Even if there are HPV or whatever diseases involved - they would already have them and in any case would be looking for a way to have sex during recovery.

I am not disagreeing with the spirit of what you say MEDC but there are variations to the letter.

I didn't think of that Big but that's a good point. I was having sex with my H for years while he was also having sex with the OW....

Some people will understand this. Others will not.I don't think you will understand this, MEDC. I think Eav might undertand.

The sad FACT about me is. I never got to the place of wanting to LIVE THIS LIFE WITHOUT MY HUSBAND....

I probably would have done just about anything at that time..irresponsible or not..right or not...

During SEX WAS THE ONLY TIME THAT MY WH SEEMED LIKE HIMSELF AND ACTED AS IF HE STILL LOVED ME...

I would do it again in a heartbeat...

MY LIFE..MY CHOICE..YOU DON'T HAVE TO THINK IT'S RIGHT OR TO UNDERSTAND...

I keep sharing this so that others who are having this experience regarding this issue can know that they are NOT ALONE....

Big K,
Yes there are spouses who have been duped into sex with an unknown enemy... the WP. This thread was not to address those horrible creatures that visit this little gift upon the unsuspecting BS. I was addressing the BS that has sex with a WS while they are still wayward and before testing. Yes, it is a choice... I know that... my point is, it is a stupid choice.
In my first M, I was duped into sex with a WS.... even though I asked her if she had been... she denied it... and she put my life at risk. That makes her a very cruel creature that would risk not only her own life (she had unprotected sex with someone she really didn't know) but mine as well. I never would have knowingly has sex with her since it is a dangerous activity that has NO benefit. If the relationship is real and based on love and trust, the WS would NEVER want to risk their partner by endangering him/her. Mimi's H and a lot of others out there show themselves to be an uncaring lot that can't even protect the physical well being of their spouses. Forgiveness and apologies have their place, but so does common decency and respect for life.
If someone has the choice to sleep with a WS or not... I would vote 100% of the time... NOT. They risk their own life for a partner that has shown is not worth the effort... at that time. When children are involved, it is all the more important to not risk both parents lives.

as I said MEDC, I do not disagree with you. I hope you are well mate.

This was YOUR EXPERIENCE and YOUR OPINION.

The SF that I had with my WH ABSOLUTELY HAD BENEFIT!!!! That's a FACT!!!



Oh, for a PERFECT world and PERFECT relationships. Now we all know that doesn't exist. You speak to the VERY NATURE of the WS...UNCARING..ENDANGERING THE LIVES OF THEIR PARTNERS..not just by sex..but by stabbing a knife into their HEART AND SOUL. If we used your way of thinking, I don't think any of us would be working the MB PLANS...to expect a WS to be acting out of LOVE AND TRUST? During my PLAN A, my WH was "IN LOVE" with the OW..and handing me out CRUMBS of LOVE. I was working a PLAN for him to fall in love with me again. This is what MB is all about....



Yes. This is YOUR VOTE and I respect your OPINION.

This is MY VOTE. I am saying that, if you have the choice, DO YOUR OWN COST/BENEFIT ANALYSIS of the situation. This is a complicated, complicated matter..depending on a number of factors.

My marriage most definitely would not have been recovered today if I had not had SF with my WH..stupid or not, in your opinion...All of us do stupid things, make stupid decisions..sometimes on purpose..sometimes not.

My H had to know that I LOVED HIM..that is his PRIMARY WAY of FEELING LOVED by a WOMAN. The OW in my case kept making the strong point that SHE WAS THE ONLY ONE THAT REALLY LOVED HIM. In the long dark hours of PLAN B, he thought of ME and knew that what she was saying was definitely NOT TRUE.

I say DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO IN THIS WORLD. I've done things now that I used to say that I would NEVER do, trying to be so CORRECT, so RIGHT, so LOGICAL...

I don't believe in that anymore...

Maybe saying too much for this thread...

But again I'm speaking to and for others who may be struggling with this...

Mimi, for some reason you want to run with this. I KNOW your opinion. You have made it clear and you are entitled to it. It is just a fact that your opinion is dangerous and irresponsible. That is a fact that cannot be disputed and ANY healthcare provider would support my view. Period.

you too BK. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />