Hello everyone, im new here. I hope some of you might be able to show me some guidence. I will try to keep to the point and keep it short.
We have been together for 7 years married for 4. We get along great but she says that we don't "click" on the emotional level that she needs. I'm 30 shes 27. We have had a rocky relationship. It wasn't the fairytale that she has always wanted. She has cheated on me once with a guy that told her all the right things she wanted to hear. He called it off and we found out he likes to use married women. The 2nd guy is a friend of ours. She didn't cheat on me with him as he is married also. They just talk, talked ALOT. That ended 2 or so years ago. Now there at it again. Monday she droped the bomb on me that she wasnt happy and we need to split up. I thought everything was fine.
We have been talking the last 3 days. She has always said that she could never talk to me cause I would always blow up and walk away. She is correct, I would do that. She has told me before that she needs the emotional support and the little things for her to be happy. I didnt know how to do that and still don't? I understand where she is coming from but it sucks cause I don't know how to give her what she needs?! When we talked I listened to every word she said and didn't blow up, even when she said she was talking to "our friend" again. She later said that she was shocked that I actually listend to her. The last couple of night she has been wanting me to come home from work (I work nights) to be with her, to cuddle and hold each other. I did and it felt great, she agreed. She isn't blowing me off, she says that she is confused because she didn't think our conversation would go that well.
She wants to see how things go this weekend. But yet she still talks to "our friend". I told her that she can't work on our marriage and to trust me and yet still talk to him on the phone. He lives 2 hours away from us.
I don't know what to do! Should I show her how much I love her, be there for her or leave and give her some space?
It just hurts so much when I hold her and know that she still talks to him when im not around. We have a little 5½ yr old girl together. Yesterday I fell to the ground crying at my daughters feet cause of all this. She doesn't have a clue what is going on but I couldn't help it.

I am so lost, confused, hurt, nervous and emotionally drained and I don't know what to do? I want to be the man that is there for her. I want her to call me when she needs to talk. I am ready to do that but I have said it before in the past, I just didn't know it was this bad.

Help me!

PS: Long ago we setup to go on a cruise with some other couple friends. It's next week. We both want to go. It may keep our marriage or might not. We will be away from work, stress and "Our friend"...

What do you guys think? Please give me some input or opinions, im so lost

Russ,

Start by reading all you can on this site starting with the Infidelity FAQ's. Also get the book "Surviving an Affair" By Harley - available on this site as well.

Your wife needs to start by writing a No Contact letter to the OM. You should also both do the EN survey and start trying to meet each others needs. Read Harley basic concepts about this.

Have a look at the Infidelity FAQ's - they are linked below in my signature. Also see Pep's Carrot and Stick of Plan A.

Reading as much as you can now will help you.

A cruise with your wife sounds like a brilliant idea to me.

Thank you for the responce. Anyone else?

Russ,

Are you going to try what BK suggested? The info he gave was powerful. Take advantage of it. Howz about reading the book His Needs/Her Needs and really find out how you CAN learn to meet the RIGHT needs.

Your W is a WS and is still babbling (from your account). You need to learn HOW to handle it. Go find a good MC or call Jennifer C @ MB for some phone counseling.

Realize you've got some work t/d. Start applying and don't wait for it all to be laid out on the line for you.

L.

Russ:

I am the WS in my M.

I understand how you are reacted to your W. "Blowing up and Walking Away" is not a good response. Staying put and listening was huge. And your W noticed. Right away. Do more of it. (I would just clam up)

Remember one thing. You WS is attrated to the OM because he listens to her. Offers suggestions and listens to her complain about you. But, he has no emotional investment in those conversations, he can say what he likes to her, he doesn't have to live with the consequenses of what he says. You do. So, start listening. Count to ten before responding. And stay put.

His Needs, Her Needs (HNHN) and Love Busters (LB) are a must read. Order them from this website, (don't go looking at the store!) get the CD version to listen while on the cruise with your W. (You do not need to spend all the time with other couple! or on deck, or in the slots room, or the cafeteria line!)

Dr Harley recommends 15 hours a week with your W. She is giving that time to OM now. Where do you think this M would be if you were giving her that time?

If her Emotional Affair (EA) has not drifted to a Physical Affair (PA) then your road is difficult, but not nearly as difficult. She is telling you what she needs from you. Time, attention, affection and conversation. You give her these things, consistently, then her A will wither.

Russ,

Listen to these people. I have read more hours here than i can remember and these are very good posters. You are kinda luckly in that your wife is telling you about the OM and telling you that she needs more from you. Some here just find out after it maybe2late.

Please read here while you wait for your books to arrive. You are not the first person in this sitch and keep asking questions. Your M is far from over - your wife is asking you to help her with her feelings for you. THAT is a great start.
best of luck,
M2L

I am a woman.
Sometimes my husband is "not there" for me emotionally in exactly the way I'd like him to be.
He's human.

There is no reason for anyone to have an affair. PERIOD

If my husband is NOT giving me "emotional support" how does that give me license to go screw someone else?

I might spend time with an emotionally supportive female friend. I might enter marriage therapy. I might take up more hobbies. I might try to support my husband better emotionally myself and then ask he reciprocate. All/any of these things cause less harm to me personally than spreading my legs for another man in order to ger "emotional support".

I just don't buy it ... not at all. I also do not buy this new guy is not physical with your wife.

EVEN IF my husband was the meanest "bass-turd" in the world & has never given me 2 minutes of "emotional support" ... I'd rather tell him to his face "either you shape up or you ship out" than demean myself and lower my integrity to use my body as a ticket to get "emotional support" from another man.

Here is my advice ... go on the cruise.
Fill her love bank with lots of romantic moments & no talk of the affair.

One hour before you board the ship, and without warning, expose the affair to OM's wife (if he's married). While on the ship, lose your wife's cell phone overboard. Before you leave on the cruise, cancel all but one credit card.

Just before you get off the ship you say to her ... The OM is no longer welcome as a third person in my marriage. I've made an appointment with the Harleys to help us make this marriage one we both love to be in. Here's the appointment time.

Then cont9inue to "be there emotionally" for her.

Let me give you a clue into some subversive female thinking... for some women "be there for me emotionally" means "never tell me when I am wrong or when I have hurt your feelings" ... if this is your wife's mind-set ... this is a battle you need Harley's support with.

Pep

Russ,
Some things sounded very familiar from my experience and I wanted to highlight a few.

She's having an EA at the least and may well be a PA. Beware, do plan A but DO NOT tolerate continued contact btwn your WW and her "friend". This is cake eating and it will consume her and you right along with it.

Lousygolfer (btw, I love that screen name) is describing Plan A above - please spend some time and read up on it. I also recommend reading "How do Affairs Begin" on the link to the right of this discussion window and The 5 Languages of Love, by Chapman I think. MC would also help break through some of the issue too. From my own experience, our discussions always sounded like broken records and we never made any progress until we both did MC after D-day.

You're right, this is cake-eating and fence sitting. NC must be a boundary. I recommend also reading Love Must be Tough by Dobson.

Please try, your daughter is too young to understand this pain. I had a very interesting discussion w/ my FWW, who witnessed her parents pain as child during her father's A. Children of distressed marriages may transfer their childhood pain to their own marriages later in life, like the victims of abuse have a higher tendency to be abusers as adults. Please try to protect your daughter through this very tough time. She needs re-assurance and stability, not to be an emotional crutch.

This is good and it sounds like she needs and wants to reach out to you and that's encouraging. She can not maintain a relationship with this OM b/c it will poison your relationship and foil every good effort you make.

Enjoy the cruise and watching her celphone go "kerplunk" into the ocean. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
One more suggestion, if you don't toss the phone, then I do recommend you covertly review the billing call records to verify her honesty, if she says she's maintaining NC after you two reach an accord.

V/r,
No way

Pep said:
"One hour before you board the ship, and without warning, expose the affair to OM's wife (if he's married)."

Russ this is a good point and something I did. I'm the BH and when I found out about the A, I called then had lunch with OMW (other man's wife). She was glad I did even though OM had already told her about the A. The two of you can help make sure of NC. If one sees a phone number on a cell bill then you call the other.

Good point Pep,
M2L

WOW. Thank you everyone for the time you put into responding. I will read each and every idea that was said and apply it.

I found out more today. Night before I told my wife that if we did try to work things out that she would have to cut tires with the OM. She understood. She told me she called im and he said pretty much the same thing. So her and the OM agreed NOT to talk at all to each other until she makes her mind if she wants me or him. She told me today that if her and I don't work out that they would get together and see what happens. She even said that means moving 2 hours away with him to where he lives now <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I had NO idea they have already make those kinds of plans! She hasn't told me that she wants to work things out yet cause she is still confused. I have been doing things left and right for her these last few days. Including listing to her, asking her about her day. When I got off work this morning I slipped into bed with her and put a rose to her nose and we cuddled. She is seeing all the things I am doing. I just hope it isn't to late.
So everything is on the line. The ball can fall on either side. It's just a waiting game now <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
The couple friends that we are going on the cruise with, the OM and his wife are NOT going. They were never invited thank god. No cell phones are boarding the ship. But if she chooses to be with him, then no cruise.

PS: One thing she did say was that their conversations is what she needs, the emotional and the "Click". She doesn't get that with me. She is affraid to loose that with the OM and not get it from me. I told her that I plan on making alot of changes.

Honestly - the very best critical thing for you to do now is print out the infidelity FAQ's - all of them linked below in my sig - just click on it and show it to her. She will perceive it as looking into a mirror.

The OM will not respect her wished and give up this easily - you can take that to the bank. Listen to me please.

NC is the ONLY way she will get over this. Any contact now brings the odds firmly into OM's favour. Be vigilant. Get your wife to read the EN stuff and even this thread. Get her even to post here if she will.

Thank you. What does NC mean? I was thinking of sending the OM an email letting him know how I feel and what he is doing to us. Telling him that he is aiding in me loosing my wife, my life, our marraige and aiding in splitting up my family as well as his. Or should I not?
I feel like letting go cause im so hurt and tired but on the other hand she is my life and can't loose her?

No contact means that you and she have no contact with other man-period. She needs to agree to write a no contact letter that you are able to read and approve before it is sent. There are examples of these letters on this site.

It sounds like she is not yet at the point of writing the nc letter.

Follow Pep's advise and expose their emotional affair to the other man's wife. When you do this and your wife finds out that you've done this, she will be angry at you. It is important that you remain calm and let her know that you are doing this in order to fight for your marriage because you love her and want to build a better marriage with her.

Remember, this affair is not about the other man, it is about your wife and her fog that she has created around this other man, about how he is the "one" for her. This emotional affair is not real life. It is a fantasy life. You need to expose this affair to other man's wife in order to begin to remove the fantasy element.

Pep's advice is excellent, as always. Follow it. Expose to OMW an hour before cruise time. Go on that cruise with your wife. She is in a fog. Don't allow her to control the decision making process for your marriage while she is in this fog-state. She is not capable of making a decision right now. You make the decision to go on the cruise with your wife and expose to other man's wife.

You say she is your life and you can't lose her. Then fight for your M using marriage builders tools. Don't contact OM right now. Expose this to his wife.
Lake

Hey everyone. Had the party and they didn't speak. However since then, my wife keeps lieing to me about them not talking. Even this morning I told her I want her to be honest with me and just tell me the truth. She said she wouldn't talk to him anymore. Well I asked her little bit ago and she lied again.

Last night while I was at work, I wrote her a long note on the things that I love about her. Drove home and read it to her. She teared up and said she loved it. Well this morning when I got home thats when I found out that she lied to me. I put my letter I wrote her the night before in the trash like it was nothing and we got into another argument. She said me throwing it away hurt her even more.
It seems like when we get a lead on things, I somehow make it worse again. I can't get her to stop lieing to me. I am getting to the point of ending it. I am quickly getting tired of this battle...

PS: Our couple friends are unable to go on the cruise so it will just be the wife and I. So much of me doesn't want to go, I am affraid of the broken heart she might give me when we get off the boat.

I second pep's post, but I would deviate from it a little. If you have not had a chance to Plan A properly, I would use the trip to your advantage and ring up those points in the lovebank.

I would not want her to associate anything negative at all with the trip.

You will have time enough to do that at home a week or so later.

I am afraid that if you spring the surprise call to the OMW on her while on the trip, all the lovepoints you would have gained would be wasted by the big LB of informing the OMW.

I would also conviently drop her cell phone overboard, of course on accident. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Put all your problems on hold and enjoy your time together. Give her something to remember with good memories, so that when you expose later, her lovebank can stand the withdrawal.

Have a wonderful cruise!!


k.d.'s heartbreak

Thank you. There will be no phones and no calling anyone. I so want us to work but she keeps lieing! How can I show her how much I love her, show her im happy with her when all I can think about is if she is calling/emailing him and I KNOW she keeps lieing. Playing happy loving husband is getting old quickly <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Your job is to show her what she is going to miss.

If she complains that you don't fill her EN's make sure that you do that on this trip.

Don't think about the affair, don't bring up the affair, just enjoy each other's company. Show her the time of her life.


Show her the type of husband she has always wanted.

Its ok to take a break from the affair. It will be there after the trip.

Just take this time to reconnect with your wife. Talk about the good times you have had in the past and the funny things that have happened to you both over the years.

Leave the ILY's at home and show her your love by actions, with her permission of course.

If you haven't done so, print out the Emotional Needs questionaire on this website. This is a great tool in figuring out what emotional needs your spouse has and gives you insight into what you can do to fill those needs. It would be a great time to fill yours out also, although I don't know if I would give yours to her. Most WS are not into filling the BS EN's, so do plan on it being mostly on your side.
If your wife won't fill one out, go ahead and fill hers out based on what you think is important to her.

Then try to fill the needs she will allow you to fill.

Have a pleasant trip, and ring up those points in the love bank.

Remember, when you talk about the affair it is a real drain on the lovebank.

So, leave the affair talk and relationship talk behind.

Just kick back, enjoy the scenery, enjoy her company.


I will be pulling for you two.


k.d.'s heartbreak

Perfect advice, thank you. You are right about all of it. I already printed them out. I filled mine out already. I am waiting for her to make her decision. If she wants to be with me then I will give it to her.

I am searching for some nice romantic things to do on the cruise. Most of what I read, we will be unable to do well since we are on a boat.

Any ideas?

How can I show her how much I love her, show her im happy with her when all I can think about is if she is calling/emailing him and I KNOW she keeps lieing. Playing happy loving husband is getting old quickly


Understand this, Russ,

All active wandering spouses lie. It is in their genes, their DNA, and the most honest person will lie when they become involved in an affair. Its the nature of the beast.

Don't fight it. It is what it is.

It doesn't make it right,but just forget it about it while you are on the cruise.

Don't try to catch her in lies or anything else while on the trip.

You know she is unfaithful, she knows she is unfaithful.

After exposure you can make your boundries be known to her, including, NO CONTACT EVER with OM, Clear Transparency (honesty), and what ever else you want as your boundries.

Sincerely,

k.d.'s heartbreak

I am searching for some nice romantic things to do on the cruise. Most of what I read, we will be unable to do well since we are on a boat.

Any ideas? End of quote



Sorry, I have never been on a cruise, but am hoping to go some day in the future.