Need some advice.

I was introduced to a nice guy about 8 mos ago. We have went out maybe 3-4 times during this time.

He is very nice, attractive, easy to talk to etc.
My problem, it stops there. I feel nothing romantic towards him.

The second time we went out, I realized I felt this way and when he tried to make a move, I told him I didn't feel that way, but enjoyed his friendship.

He called me last night to go to a movie. Am I wrong to accept an invitation from him when I don't feel more than friendship? Afterall, I see nothing wrong with friends doing things together without romance being involved.
To take my question further, even though he called me, do I offer to pay for part of the evening? I have before, but is that rude? Lastly, at the end of the evening, do I not invite him in so there are no mixed signals?

Any input is appreciated.

Thanks,
K~

I say that as long as you make your feelings clear and are honest and upfront that you want only friendship that you should go to the movie. The only exception to this would be if you know that he is falling for you and you feel you are leading him on.

He asked which usually means he pays, but if you feel more comfortable then pay for yourself. I don't know that I would invite him in though as I think it sends mixed messages.

Good luck!

Take care and God bless!

K

I think you should keep your clothes on - which might be construed as mixed signals. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Seriously - you might agree to him paying for movie - and you pay for drinks, ice-cream, whatever after movie. Just a thought...

As to the end of the evening...nope to coming in.

FR

Oh my......Is THIS what it takes to bring you out of hiding?
My lame life???
I can't believe who blew by the board!

It's the Fishracer.

Well, you pegged me. I'm good for throwing those mixed signals with my slinky ways. I've always thought clothing was optional.....

As to your advice, I did do that last time actually. I just didn't know if it was rude or how guys felt about the woman paying.

So, I hear you and Still. Have a nice evening, but no to inviting him in.
I just politely stop at my door and say thank you?

I'm sure I am making this way more difficult than it needs to be.

Thanks to both of you!

K!

Karona
A good way to tone down the romance on a meeting like this is to meet at a neutral location rather than having him pick you up and drop you off. I realize it may be too late to change the meet-up plans for this movie, but it's a strategy you might be able to use in the future.

Karona,

I feel you should tell him exactly what your expecations are up front so he gets no mixed signals. You could tell him in person or maybe just a phone call (not via email though).

Just be honest, tell him and then remember to ask him how he feels about it.

Keith

Brutally honesty is the best policy Karona. You want a friendship with him, great. Let that be know so he's not thinking about kisses at the door or anything resembling romance. He's probably on to your lack of interest but is too shy or too confused to say or do anything.

Whatever you do, tell me or mlhb about it immediately afterwards so we can wisecrack appropriately.

Hey Karona --
Did it happen already?
How did it go?

I have a few guy friends that I do things with. Most of them I keep to a group setting -- that way its easy to just pay my own way and not have that "datey" feel to it.

One very good friend I do things with, we've developed an alternating method. I pay, then he pays the next time. We don't do any traditional date things -- typically its just a happy hour or something like that. He's well aware of my not-available status.

So....how'd it go?

Hey Lexxxy, gekko, BH, and curious,

Thanks for the tips! Very much appreciated.

Last night was the night.
It went pretty well.
We went and ate first, he paid.
When we got in line for the movie, I asked if I could pay since he got dinner, and he said sure. I know for me, it took the whole "date" feeling out.

I had a couple things working in my favor when the end of the evening came. The movie was done at 9:15. While it was still early, I had an important phone call to make concerning my neice's surgery that day, and I have a nasty cold that by night time I sound like I'm on my death bed.

The evening ended and as far as I'm concerned, everything went smoothly.

So Lexxxy, you say you have male friends.
Sounds like your methods work quite well.
While this guy is nice, I feel we are worlds apart. I enjoy a drink, he does not drink at all. I have a slap-stick/sarcastic sense of humor, he is very serious. I really don't understand why he calls me. I can see we are different, why doesn't he?
I think for me, I have never had male friends, so it's very hard for me to separate relationship from friendship. That is where my discomfort comes into play.
I feel wrong doing something with a man if I have no feelings for him. That's my best conclusion.

Thanks for the input all! I appreciate it!

K!

Hi Karona, I check in every once and a while, and here you are!


I've been going out now and then with XBF, now friend, and we do exactly the same thing. He and I had similar dating experiences this summer. I dated a guy for 3 months who I really thought might be "the one". Then his XGF started calling and begging him to get back together and not only did they get back together, but they got married about a month later. It was pretty emotionally devastating for me as he'd told me it was over with her and he'd never get back together with her... XBF dated someone he'd known for a while and the same thing happened on the same day, minus the instant marriage.

So we've been spending time together now and then going for a hike, to the movies, out to dinner, etc. I basically agree with the advice you've been given. It's not an issue for me because we have a mutual understanding. But, I don't tempt fate either. I don't invite him in, no kiss goodbye, we don't even hug, though I think that would be ok.

Good to "see" you!

I'm kinda in the same boat. I dated a guy very casually for maybe 5 or 6 months. We only saw each other once or twice a month, got a little touchy, feely but no sex. It was clear things wouldn't work for us as a couple so we went our separate ways.

We stayed in touch via email & have gone back & forth suggesting we get together. Looks like tomorrow we may actually do that. Now that it may happen I'm a little nervous. We've discussed other people we've dated & he refered to ignoring his friends, me included, while being particularly busy so I think we understand each other, but still...

It's good to hear from you LT!

How have you been doing otherwise? Health good?
I wonder about you from time to time.

Oh, your dating story sounds too close to mine. I still call my guy, Mr. 5 Weeks. Cause, I was sure he was the reason everything happened. That he was the one I was supposed to meet, blah, blah, blah. Then....same....xgf comes back into picture and they've been together ever since. Happily?? Not convinced, but, he's with her.

I commend you on the friendship you are able to have with your xbf. I don't seem to be capable of that. You are a strong woman! And should be proud.

Thank you for checking in. It was good to hear from you again.

K!

So....what do we do with these guys Nams?
For me, there has never been any touchy/feely, and I can't even get the visual.
He is nice to talk to, other than that, nothing there.

Good luck with your time together tomorrow.
Fill me/us in afterwards and thanks for replying.

K!

Do nothing K.

I wonder why he called you now? I'm guessing he's in between relationships and maybe is looking for some company. I say enjoy the friendship and look at it as someone to hang out w/ and do occaisional, platonic, stuff w/

I think you handled the sitch very well!

I don't have much advice, but maybe I can get some <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. Advice, I mean...

I have a good female friend whom I have known for over 10 years. Nice single mom (widowed), two great kids, we have been friends from work (she no longer works there). I know she'd be interested in dating me, but I have no interest, and we never ever crossed any lines.

Anyway, here is the dilemma - ever since she quit our company, she has sort of taken the "poor me" attitude, even though she lives very well off her husband's Social Security benefits etc. So, when we have been getting together recently, she has kinda said "Oh, AGG, you make the big bucks, why don't you take me out to dinner". It was funny once, OK twice, but now I am getting to the point of not wanting to see her because if this. I just don't see why I should pay for a friend's dinner every time I meet them, you know?

So, how do I handle it? Do I say "J, I like getting together with you but I'd prefer if we split expenses", or avoid "the speech" and just chip in for my share at the next outing, so that she'd get the message? I'd hate to ruin a friendship over this, but it's annoying me. Thoughts?

I guess I wish she'd be more like Karona's friend, where they either split expense or take turns. I don't believe that with friends the principle of "whoever asks has to pay" applies.

AGG

AGoodGuy's Good Female Friend: Oh, AGG, you make the big bucks, why don't you take me out to dinner?

AGoodGuy: Are you having financial difficulties? You've made a couple of remarks about money the last few times I've seen you.

This gives her a chance to explain. Maybe she's not as comfortable as you thought or has some frightening expenses you didn't know about. Or maybe she's made some spending mistakes. Or maybe she really just wants to be pampered and treated like a princess for a little while (not a surprising desire for a single mother), and expressed it in terms of being taken out to a fancy dinner.

I'm not saying it's your job to fix any of these for her. But I guess I just prefer the direct approach of finding out why she's saying these things before deciding on a response.

So if it turns out she has some financial worries, you can begin suggesting more inexpensive dinner ideas. If instead she just wants to be treated special, you can ask her about her dating life and encourage her to try going out on a few "real dates," where she can get that. If she's just trying to see what she can get away with, you can start suggesting a split check at the moment the date is being set.

Karona, I think you enjoy the friendship, but as LetStry said, don’t tempt fate. And no skinny dipping down there! Being friends with the opposite sex is a rewarding experience that, I think, helps us see them as whole people and not just potential mates, spouses, romances or lays, depending on your frame of mind. It also helps us clarify boundaries, and build trust. Besides, maybe this man will have a friend who is just perfect for you. Or maybe one of your girlfriends will catch his eye. Networking is not just for work any more.

I'm meeting this guy tonight as it happens. He has always paid except for vey minimal things that I paid for once or twice. I have ALWAYS offered, pulled out my wallet & money but he's old school & pays. Very nice & I appreciate that & I tell him that.

I will offer to pay my share tonight & maybe now that we're just friends he will let me.

AGG, if I were you I'd just put out your half on the table, make sure it's cash & she sees you, then get up & go to the bathroom. She'll likely check to make sure how much has been put out & realize her half isn't there. If she doesn't put her share out you can ask her for it or you can ask her to leave the tip then next time decline her "invitation" to dinner.

Funny guy there AGG! Getting some...*Advice* that is.
As to AGG's lady friend.....I think she is wrong. I can't even believe that she would suggest it. Curious had good input though!

And to GG~~ I'm busted again!
Believe me, there will be no testing fate. This guy is as straight laced as they come. Absolutely not 1% of badboy in there. I'm quite sure a drop of beer has never touched his lips. Truthfully, I wish I did know a real nice attractive woman to set him up with. I wouldn't think twice!

Good Luck tonight Nams! Tune in and give a full report!

Thanks All!

K!

I disagree. This advice basically starts with an indirect approach (put 1/2 of bill on table without a word then leave the scene for a moment), with an option to resort to directness (ask for her share) or indirectness (decline her next invitation without an explanation) as back-up options if the first indirect attempt doesn't work.

I'm not saying these approaches won't work. But why not address the issue head-on?