I havent written in a long time in regards to my stich.

Update:

WW told me that it was over (approx 3 weeks ago.)

she went into i series of depression and mood swings.

Last week she said to me that she knew that she had done things that deserves me kicking her out, so if i am ready to do so to let her know.

Got a new job (me) and income is now doubled (yeaaaah). This was one of WW ENs.

Started to look after DS as a single parent.(pretending that she isnt there.)

Still doing plan A.

Last week she was very warm(?) to me with actually kissing me on the mouth(!). I was very surprised!
Then on the weekend wanted to have SF with me.

The OM is still getting married to GF this weekend.

Since Mon. WW went into a tailspin. She didnt want me to touch her(affectionately). Didnt want me near her.
To stop pampering her and treat her special because that wasnt me.Etc.
Then she started to compare me to her family who abused her growing up. Then she said to leave her alone. So i did. and went to bed.

While praying that night i said that i cannot stop being the person i have evolved into. I actually like the new me.

So i went out there and gave her a blanket and pillow.When i covered her up she burst into tears and cried the whole night. I asked if she wanted me to comfort her she said no. Just wanted to be alone.

Yesterday she was a bit more friendly and asked me what going on in my mind / heart. I told her that have some idea of the pain she is going through and i am frustrated that i cannot help her.

WW reply?"dont waste your worries on me"

Chat a bit about moving and living somewhere else, my new job, our accounts, etc.

She is looking to run away somewhere this weekend,to be out of town. (I was reminded that OM wedding is this weekend)

Of late i am becoming resentful, angry, and it seems as if my taker is trying to break out. I am upset at WW because in her whole torrid and blatant A our DS is starting to suffer in school. things he knew a year ago, he is now trying to remember them. He is asking me about his mother when she was away on weekends.

Suddenly i feel self sufficient and really dont need WW for ENs.(maybe just the anger talking).

I keep stressing to her that family comes first and i will DO EVERYTHING in my power to fight for my family.

She doesnt even want to do the NC letter. I honestly see where she is leaving her phone for me to search it and to tell me who call on the line. Big deal. cant she get in touch with OM on her office phone?

She talk about her "giving up alot to be with me, so i better not [email]F@#^$[/email] this up" WHAT? so all this trauma is my fault?

She keeps bringing up her abusive family and her past and how OM came in at a low point in her life back then.

What OM is doing to me now is what someone did to him 15 years ago when she met him. isnt that ironic?

Anyway i have read SAA and FIL/SIL. The thing is i cant figure out whether to let wifey grieve and stay out of her way, because reality of OM getting married is sinking in, or to cut the rope.maybe i am talking out of frustration.

sometimes i see she tries to talk to me about her feelings then stop, then she finds it easier to talk about jokes and issues of late.we're talking alot now.

just wanted to vent i guess........where the heck am i?

"WW told me that it was over (approx 3 weeks ago.)"

over with OM (just to clarify)

((((NC))))

Sounds like WITHDRAWAL to me...

Although it slowly gets better and the FOG begins to slowly lift, it lasted a FULL SIX MONTHS for my WH.

Sorry. I know it's difficult.

Your job is to continue to offer comfort and to not play into her strategies to push you away.

Remember: ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS...

mimi.

thank you cant suffice but............. thank you.

We're here for you, nc007.

Immediately after my wife's most recent affair, she had to deal with the rejection she felt after her OM ran back to his wife like a puppy. He told his wife all sorts of things about my wife -- mostly lies to make himself look good.

The OM wife and I spoke for some time and she related much of what he said about my wife. Some I know to be true, some I suspect to be true and some I know to be outright lies.

She was very hurt by this rejection.

I'm sure that is what you're wife is dealing with. Here is this OM who she "loved" and for whom she sacrified her relationship with you. He's now getting married and moving on with his life. Does his fiance know about the affair?

She's left holding the pieces of whatever is left of her self-esteem, sense of morality and the reality of what she has done to her family. And the OM gets a new wife??!!


Not sure what she means, but in her fog driven state, she may be living under the delusion that she had the option to chase after the OM, break up his relationship with his fiance and they'd live happily ever after. She sees herself as giving this up to stay with you. Maybe?


If so, it should be a trip ALL of you take -- or find someone to watch DS and take her somewhere -- even overnight. Don't expect SF or some great romance -- just be there for her and spend time with her. Being alone in this state of mind might free her to do all sorts of things she might regret. Just my $.02 about her going away.

Blessings...hang in there...you both will swap emotional states. Some days she'll be better and you'll be worse. You both need to seek counseling (spend some serious time interviewing the counselor) to help each other understand what's happening.

Wow Ator,

I always wanted to see from her POV what was happening. I am just angry that she is going thru all this and is so self absorbed that she doesnt see what she has put our DS thru.

You said to take a trip with her together tomorrow. I will do just that.

This morning she said that she is going to study all day by her sister and do so for the whole weekend.Maybe i can take her out for the evening for dinner.

I have booked a weekend at the Ritz Jamaica next week. She can be out of town and relax and think things thru. I have some business to tie up down there.

Is it normal to have a "monster" lurking below your surface,ready to spring with AO and DJ because your WS just doesnt get it? even at this point of their dying A?

I told WW to call me if she wanted to talk. She nodded, teary eyed. I feel like the second prize.........

I so want to tell her that after OM marriage that even if she is to as so much call him for ANY REASON and i found out .THAT'S IT.

Any FWW , FWS can advise me on this.

Any idea of what i can do for next weekend trip to the Ritz?

mimi ,ator thanks.

Artor...thanks.

Try to FOCUS ON THE PRESENT. THEN and NOW.

She won't be able to GET IT for a LONG WHILE but that definitely will come AFTER WITHDRAWAL.

Read up on what the Harley say about RECOVERY on this site and in their book, SAA.

RECOVERY was the HARDEST PART for me because you are witnessing the devastation of the affair.

Like your WW, my H came back to me a BROKEN MAN..The HEALING takes LOTS and LOTS of TIME and EMOTIONAL STRENGTH on the part of the BS.

mimi....did i mentioned that i love you?

and i love your imput. Focus on the NOW.
Tonite i will focus on the withdrawal section in SAA

Is crying for their WP(OM) normal? maybe i am DJing her. but she is getting teary eyed and not saying anything much.

what i switch from kissing me on the mouth!

Maybe i am just over analyzing. Maybe that comes with the territory of a BS.

DO i leave her alone sometime to think for herself?

Thanks for any and all input.

I would see my WH teary-eyed. He's a MAN so there was not lots of BOO-HOOing in front of me. Remember that she may be crying for all sorts of reasons..not just because she is missing him. That was a mistake I made. Sometimes my H was sad because he was feeling guilty about the things that he had done to us.

Leave her alone?

I would think that she would want YOUR PRESENCE..but NO RELATIONSHIP TALK..

Just try to HAVE FUN TOGETHER and to BE THERE WITH HER....

I think the Harleys say 15 hours of UNDIVIDED TIME A WEEK...

Hang in there, NC.

You are at the end of the MARATHON. The last few miles are the HARDEST but you can make it.

adjusting my sneaker laces <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I will be patient and follow this input.

I pray one day she really understand what she has put this family thru.

Time. Patience. Will continue exercising these muscles.

Thanks Mimi. I will try not to judge her and her tears.

Its just that not knowing is driving me crazy sometimes.
I guess because of the A, lack of info. causes one to become protective / unsure.

Funny how she wants to know lately where i am going and who is calling me.

I think moe than anything else it is my son who keeps me from rebelling and giving my WW the "ticket" (probably out of frustration than anything else).

Still cant get over her "giving up alot for me speech 3 weeks ago..." <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

mimi....again thanks for reminding me that it is a marathon.

((((((((mimi)))))))))))

Remember: ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS.

I tried not to listen to what the WH had to say IN THE FOG.

The WS begins to recede, the fog starts to lift and more and more of the real spouse comes out again. It's miraculous..but it takes TIME.

It's part of the WS SCRIPT, NC. My FWH said similar stuff. In fact, the FOW told him that "Too bad you have to give up the one you REALLY love"..heard this with my own ears..YUCK...

What I would say, using my own script was: "In time, you will LOVE ME AGAIN" or something like that. It has definitely proven to BE TRUE.

She had allowed the OM to be the primary depositor into her LOVE BANK so she is missing those DEPOSITS in WITHDRAWAL. Eventually, without contact with him, she will allow you to fill the BANK. When I started to feel bad or to question myself, I would work on meeting whatever NEEDS that he would ALLOW me to meet at that time. Sometimes he would complain or try to find some strategy to push me away but I DID NOT RETREAT.

When there has been abuse there are several factors that she is still reliving today.

The people that she loves hurt her. It seems inevitable to her.

The people that she loves abandon her. This also seems inevitable to her as well.

Just MVHO. This is not an NC issue this is a her issue. An issue that she needs to resolve.

The other conflicting message for someone with that history is that when things are going good it is just a matter of time before they go bad again. Chaos is the rule. Chaos makes them comfortable. A state of happiness is just a temporary state. Sadness and pain will follow. In their mind.

I am sorry you have to be a part of that but know it is not just you.

When you are pulling close she is just thinking things will go bad.

Notice she is trying to make it happen by pushing you away and making those comments. She gave up so much to be with you? Don't bother? Don't give in and be the taker. Be the lighthouse.

Prove to her that the happiness will last and there is nothing she can do to sabotoge it.

By the way this is just my opinion. I could be completely wrong and off base. If for any reason you think I am wrong then please print this post up and burn it. LOL.

NC007-

If I remember right, you'd gone over and looked at my old thread on Recovery...take a look at it again when you can.

My wife went through all of that same withdrawl as well. This is normal.

And the advice to just be there for her while she's dealing with the withdrawl from the affair is right on the money, IMHO. It is tough, but it's the best thing you can do right now.

I tried to help nurse my wife through her withdrawl in this same fashion. No R talk, no lectures...just there for her. It HURT to know that she was going through all of that for OM, when I was suffering so bad and she didn't seem to care. But I knew that in order for US to heal, she had to deal with that first.

Just somethings for you to think about.

frognomore

(love the name) thank you for your unique insight. i never thought about that angle. Now that you mentioned it , she seems to talk about it quite a bit druing her A, using it to justify. Saying that he has "always" been there for her.

I will continue to be the lighthouse.Your "chaos theory" sounds very real in my stich. I all of a sudden makes me more understanding. why i dont know but as you said.
prove to her that as long as gos makes me , i will MAKE SURE that this new M happiness(?) will last.There is nothing that she can do to sabotage it.

I pray it changes for the better. I amnot about to give up.

Thank you so much for your encouraging words.

Good to hear from you on my stich FNM welcome.

MiMi,

You rock!
****Remember: ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS.********
I have to keep this as my mantra.say it as i am at home.

*****My FWH said similar stuff. In fact, the FOW told him that "Too bad you have to give up the one you REALLY love"..heard this with my own ears..YUCK...******

can some one be so vicious? In a wierd way i am glad that you are able to relate and encourage me. i know that God allowed you to go thru this to help me here.

******Sometimes he would complain or try to find some strategy to push me away but I DID NOT RETREAT.********

It is a war isnt it? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> the problem for me is that i dont have anything called patience.I want to emulate this in you.NEVER RETREAT.

Thank you my friend. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Owl,

Your name siuts(sp?) you well.

******No R talk, no lectures...just there for her.******

This is VERY HARD FOR ME to do, i see her hurting over ....i dont know maybe OM? family?......and now since the changes brought about in me i want to comfort her and SAY ILY.

It is so hard not to..Why i love her so? i dont know.

*****It HURT to know that she was going through all of that for OM, when I was suffering so bad and she didn't seem to care. But I knew that in order for US to heal, she had to deal with that first.*****

You hit the nail on my head. Would be very interested in how you delt with things at this stage of "These Days OF Our Lives". <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

good to hear from you again. Will check your post for wisdom. Thanks.

NC...

Hi old friend...It's been awhile since I've checked in with you or posted on MB at all for that matter...Sorry bout that, I take a bit of a break around this time of year through Christmas-life gets pretty hectic around here for me at this time...Honestly, though, I see that you are in great hands, I agree with you, Mimi does ROCK!

Your wife seems to be doing everything exactly by the WS Handbook...WITHDRAWAL to the MAXIMUM...I cringe now when I look back at how I acted and cried on the shoulder of Mr. W over OM...It breaks my heart to KNOW what I put him through...It also AWES me to see how he treated me during the whole process...He was there, he listened, he welcomed my crying on his shoulder...That is what I call so often around here AMAZING GRACE...I don't know how he did that, but I do know that I will NEVER forget him for it and I will NEVER stop trying to make it up to him...He was my rock then, he held our family together when I was fighting him every inch of the way...I respect, admire and love him so much for that...Your WW will feel that way about you too someday, but YES, it takes TIME...Hang in there NC...

Mrs. W

(((((((((((((ms.W))))))))))))))))))))
welcome back little sis.

man you were right about exposure. specific exposure.

and because of our small island (relatively) everyone sorta knows everyone business. you cant hide.

so the thril of secrecy i guess is gone. Yes according to her, she invaded his privacy. but he is getting married tomorrow and she said there is nothing that she can do about it.

I said to her if OM tells GF that he has found his "true love" and drops her and proposes to wife...if she comes to me i will give her a D........she said she cant ask OM to do this. He love GF but is "in love with WW" (Barf bag now!)

I said he is using WW and lying to GF at the same time. Never saw such venom in my life.Said i was talking about her also.

never repeated that senario again.

all that was a month - 3 weeks ago

Today i sent her flowers and she called saying she loved them.

Still praying and doing plan A.

She said 2 weeks ago that she knows what she has done deserves her getting a D and when i am ready to "drop" her i should let her know in the future.(Hah!). I listened and she became misty eyed and left. she didnt want to talk.

Saturday we SF (i know, sorry, couldnt help myself)

I pray to be the rock to make you guys proud.

Welcome back sis.



P.S. oh yes.................GO TIGERS!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> (yes we can follow the game here too)

Hi guys,

All MBers. Nc007 latest saga.

Saturday morning. Wedding day. For OM. So WW is in a funk and totally hostile since morning. So when I told her morning she promptly said that she had work to carry on at the office. I suggested that we (DS and I) come with her and hit the strip. To leave her alone at work.

She protested and said that we go on our own. This started a debate. And I kept asking her why she is so angry. She said I made her so. then she started to launch AO all over the place, my DS eventually came to her and said “Youre disrespecting daddy and that is not right”

Talk about a shock to us!.......WW said I must be pleased that our 5YO came and said that. How I pushed her to become angry and to say those things so it was my fault (hah).

I said in the name of radical honesty, the real reason to come with her is that she is going to have a rough day today and I wanted to be there in case she needed support.

Then she started to talk about that we have no family and how DS was scared of me and how I destroyed the family long before she “met her old BF”.

You know in all honesty, I cannot take it when they (WW) do this. Fog babble or not, it hurts. VERY MUCH.

I left the room . I came back after a minute and saw her weeping, hard…….so I went over and hugged her, tightly.
She started to sob all the harder and I held her close. Whispered to her that everything will be all right. I will always be here.

She eventually stopped and told me that this isn’t right………the whole thing isn’t right. Me comforting her over the loss of her OM in a wedding. Said that I must be happy that he is getting married, I said that it is not much for me to think about. That OM was her friend, not mine. She said “See you are starting to use my words against me”

I told her no…..I am concerned about her feelings, not his. Right now she is in despair and need comfort.

She said that I am not behaving normally and that it is just a matter of time, maybe a year from now(does she listen to herself?) that I will use this whole incident to curse her with. I tried to reassure her with love that I will never do such, that may God take my life before I utter such a cruel thing.

Then the fog babble started again. lousy dad, lousy husband, bla,bla,yadda,yadda. All I think about is myself.

Then I told her no matter what. i will always love her. Then I showed her my ring. “See this ring?....It is a sign of a promise………. to look after you , to love you, to protect you. And I will do such”

DS then bust up the scene. Jumped on me and started to play with me.(so much for an abusive dad)

She has fallen asleep now……I honestly don’t know what to do from here.

Any input appreciated.