M2L,Owl,Mimi

I love you all just sorta lost it earlier.

thanks M2L will check it out.

I'm with Owl on this

I totally believe in ultimatums ... they should be used sparingly and they MUST be followed through with the promised ACTION

no "empty words"

calm follow through is what works
no arguements
no discussion
just let the consequences come full force ... without anger

and you never repeat your ultimatum as a "warning" ... you say it one time
making certain they understand clearly where the boundary is
and if the boundary is violated ... take action ...

expose their little dirt to OM'sW

if WW gets angry ... you say "These are the consequences that happen when your choices are wrong"

Pep

thanks pep!

welcome to my porch!

good to have you! pull up a seat! o wise one.

I so value your input!!!!



but please not today.....i am really emotionally tired and detached from WW now.

i gotta look after my kid, M2L i have a son, and yes i am going to do this.

i need to rest....please dont anyone say "man up to me"

I have held it together long enough and i am just tired.

I agree with the consequences.

rest up !

hey just sneaking in a check on my family.my WW is telling me of her where abouts and how the work was today etc.
She is tired tonite. Stayed up all last nite doing a project for finals.

I am amazed how she can "pretend to be talkative and nice" and give an account for her time yet so flaky.

i know i know.....patience.

Only if any WW could relate to my WW syntoms. One minute she wants to migrate the next she wants to not cut off communication with OM

can anyone relate.
currently i am just being quiet. i dont want to DJ or AO at this point in time.

good nite family.

How about changing your thread name to something like..FWWs PLEASE HELP ME...

Good morning NC,

Sorry about the mix up with calling your kid a girl. I am not always in my right mind these days also.

I like Mimi's idea of renaming the thread.

If it helps, my wife acks the same way as yours does. Min to min and day to day from good to bad. Just Sunday night I suggested going out to eat Tuesday night. My wife's reply was to tell me that I keep making plans for the future and that is smothering her. Then yesterday she sees a concert coming to our area in March and wants me to get tickets for it. I can't make plans 2 days ahead, but she can make plans months ahead.

I am learning to detach like so many have suggested, maybe this could help you also. It helps me.

You can't give up now anyway -I wanted to come to Jamaica with my family and buy the first round. He11 if this works out for both of us I'll buy all night.

hang in there NC,
M2L

And Pep is completely right too...ultimatums should only be used for those "line of death" boundaries. And you should NEVER issue one if you're not willing to follow up with it.

Take the break for today...nothing wrong with that.

And again, when your WW goes berserk over your enforments of boundaries, simply reply, IN A QUIET VOICE..."It was your choice to do what you've done. This is a result of those choices, and nothing more.". Don't shout, don't fight, don't even get angry. Simply state it the way it is and move on and let HER deal with her consequences.

As soon as you are able, you should get in touch with OMW, and let him know about the contact.

What steps are you taking to verify contact outside of what your wife is telling you?

changing thread title.

Hello, is it normal for a WW to keep asking questions about what am i thinking and now (probably i have become detached) just want to kiss her on the cheek. So she choose to kiss me on the lips.

Her response to me when i call is much brighter.

and WW actually has become more engaging in conversations.

I am not estatic. just observing.

is this normal?

i am still feeling tired.

Hi mimi, M2L, Owl.

sorry bout no more investigaton....now, i am just totally burnt out. need to recharge.

heartsore has really suffered a setback and i feel deeply for him.

Is it normal that we can transpose our spouses onto another situation and if it goes "south" we feel the same about our own stich?

is reading too much here can have an "overloading effect on a BS?

just asking.


My WW is more receptive to me as if "nothing happened" and i am wondering why am i so skeptical.

I am sorry to be the one to deliver this disheartening news to you but your wife is still in contact with the other man. There of course can be no forward progress while such a state exists. As I have followed your thread from afar I am indeed disappointed to have read of these events.

As Mimi has suggested, the other man is a predator and desires your wife as his mistress. She will likely accept his advances when they occur or if they have already occurred. Still, all is not lost, still there is hope. You have been struggling these many weeks, doing the right thing, being the kind and generous husband while she has been in continued contact. That is why many of your efforts seem wasted and unappreciated by her. She holds hope that her “true love” will answer her silent wishes and that her adulterer will accept her as his mistress.

You perhaps have the power to rock his world and help close all contact but it will take a measure of strength from you and you must be ready to accept the consequences. Perhaps something like:



There would be a good chance that you will have to carry out disclosure, so be prepared. I would also suggest that draft a Plan B letter and keep it in your top breast pocket, as you may need it. Even in the face of these terrible events I suggest that your marriage has a great chance. You are a special person and your wife will see that if you can initiate “no contact”.

Good luck,

Mr. G

AWSOME LETTER!!!!

Now its just to grow the balls to do this.

Is it OK to pointblank ask WW if OM comes to her to continue the relationship , despite being married, would she?

then look her dead in the face.

if she asks why?

i would reply "i cannot take such a painful blow in my life"

is this OK?

You are wasting time even as I type. PICK UP THE PACE, CHOP CHOP.

Mr. Good beat me to the punch...

Remember: ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS.

No more TALKING..time for ACTION....

007,
To what purpose? You rely heavily upon the wise advice of many of the posters who have successfully navigated through this kind of mess. While that is good and you should continue to seek advice you should ALWAYS examine on your own the "cause and effect" that your actions initiate. How do you think your above discussion would serve you?

Mr. G

No point in asking the wife what she "might" do.

What you need to do is remove OM from the picture. By contacting his wife and informing her of his actions and working to get her to assist you in ending ANY contact with your wife.

Asking your wife this question is just going to set you up for pain...and it won't mean anything regardless of what she says.

The letter to OM sounds nice, but he knows what he's doing to you and your marriage. Obviously, he truly doesn't care. Perhaps you could send this letter to him AND his wife at the same time and see what forms out of that.

Talking about doing something is one thing...what you really need to do is step up and DO this.

What are you afraid of?

NC:

Grow some. Because us WS are chicken. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Only caution: OM just got married and was carrying on with your W while getting ready. Maybe OMW knows, maybe not. But if she kicks him out, YOUR WS is standing there with open arms?

Just a thought.

However, I would send him the letter, because remember, us WS are chicken. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

She will give you the answer she thinks you want to here or maybe she won't.
Does it matter..........is she's ww?...........then she's a liar.
Thats just the way it is.

The people that have been coaching you here are good at this because.
A*** they have been doing this with a new poster everyday for years now.
B***they have read many more posts than you and I ever will...ie:been there seen that.
C***They have watched me (and others) not follow the advice here and suffer the consequences.(sp)
D***They have seen people that do follow the advice here and be sucessfull.
E***all of this stuff there asking you to do will help you later on in recovery.
F***oh....I think you get where I'm going here.

They get a little frustrated with people (like me) for asking for help and then being to scared to do what it takes.
Then months from now you will be just like me, just like hopethisworks, just like papaof3, just like...on and on and on.
We've all been down the road your trying to decide if you want to travel.

Stop thinking about today or tomorrow....think long term.
You have the best chance to save your marriage RIGHT NOW!

These people that are helping you aren't trying out new things to see if they work or not.
Your not a lab rat.
They know what works and what don't work.

They are SURE about it.

I hope this gives you a little more faith in Marriage Builders.
Is it scarey? HeII yes it is.
Will there be screaming? You bet!
Will someone lose there job? Most likely!

AHHH the big question.....
Will they blame you??????
This is the dumbest question we bs's ask ourselves.

There is absolutely no way that anyone will blame you for THERE affair.
If they do then there either a ww or om.

Was this your fault? HeII no!!!

They chose to cheat...you choose to heal.
How do you heal??

One word
EXPOSE!

I'm done ranting now...Good luck to you.
We will all be praying for you.
Jeff