NC,

I have read some of your thread and it sounds so similar to our sitch when we were goin through it.

I think Bob's got it right when he says talk, let her know how you feel. I did not and of course should have. That's all coming out now 20 years later and we are now becoming even closer than ever through our revelations. Finding out a lot of things we neither one understood about the other.

Should have done it years ago.

oh i agree on the talking, just about what? i dont think right now to say" gosh honey ....you really hurt me..ya know?"

i am seeing her making little effort here and there to try keep things together.

i guess it is also important WHEN you choose to be open about your feelings.

This morning i realize what was said about feeling ambivalent.

We had SF this rainy morning and i felt.........nothing.

This frightens me. She is more vocal now and asking me opinions on what she wears and how i look ,etc.

It is scary to feel so detached. Like i want to move on, not because i want to but to proove a point. That i can make it on my own.

This is wrong and I KNOW IT. So in a sense i feel ashamed about these thoughts / feelings.

I wasnt ready for SF, but i forced it. I initiated and she willingly complied.

Yesterday she came to my office to pick me up and planted a deep kiss on me in public.

i guess they will come and go.

Will i ever feel a deeper love. Have i allowed by LB$ to be depleted too much?

What have i done?

I love my family, but now i feel........empty.

At the point that she is coming around now.(i think)

have anybody else felt this?

NC,

I second every word you said - once again.

The empty feelings

The not feeling connected to my wife

the feeling of I know your here with me but what do I realy have?

The feeling of I fought so hard for this??? This is not too much. Why should I keep in plan A when I do get some effort from ww, but not much.

My taker is acting up I think!!!!

NC007 - you do know what to write and how to say it all the time.

BUT HEY!!! you got some. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

M2L

yes at least let me be greatful for that <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

still wierd though about how i am feeling now.

NC

Have you looked at Bob pure's tool kit? He talks about feeling like this at about this point in his sitch with Squid. He questions why go through all the pain. Is it worth it? I've read it,but it still feels dif to read it and then to live it.

M2L

forgot to mention......WW was listening to a song last night and told me about it. She said that the part that turned her off was when they brought in a verse about "cheating on him if he cannot "perform"".

the rest of the conversation was lost to me because i was wondering what was going thru her head?

Was she trying to talk to me indirectly?

was i reading too much into it?

just wanted to mention this.

You still haven't answered my question:

WHAT ARE YOU WANTING FROM HER?

mimi - for her to open up and make me feel secure again?

i really miss that. i probably wont get it.

I fought so hard for this. and now that i see changes...i feel like is this happening.

i dont know.....mimi.honestly.

I was exactly at your place so I fully understand and empathize.

This is where PERSONAL RECOVERY comes in...

Your sense of security has to come from you...

What can YOU do to make YOURSELF feel OK about YOURSELF..

She's got her OWN STUFF to work on right now...

so mimi........is part of feeling disconnected a sign of personal security or is it plain being afraid.

look at me (i know you cant), I felt neutral durinf SF this morning. I am afraid of loosing my feelings for her and the care of holding my family together.

have you felt this too?

look i dont want to act on my feelings / emotions, i just want to understand.

OK dumb question mimi...............what is personal recovery? where do i start.

i feel sorta "new" and dont have any "programes" running in my brain.
KWIM?

PERSONAL RECOVERY:

What kind of changes do YOU feel that YOU need to make in YOURSELF to make YOURSELF into a BETTER PERSON, HUSBAND, FATHER?????

Sound familiar?

Take the focus off of what you want your wife to do and place the focus on YOURSELF.....

All of us need to continue to grow and to change, IMO....

Is there anything new that you want to learn about?

Any new hobbies that you want to take up?

I learned GARDENING and PHOTOGRAPHY since my H's affair...

I've digested books about MANHOOD (to understand my H better) and CHILDREARING and PERSONAL DEVELOPMENT....

I've put all that I've learned into a JOURNAL....

Making this TURN, focusing in on myself, has meant the world to me...

I've grown sooo much in my love of myself and in my confidence...

There are people around here who can attest to this...

I used to be SOOOO SENSITIVE and WHINY..recalling April Fool's Day 2005.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

ETA: When you make gains in your SELF-RESPECT and SENSE OF SECURITY you will become even more attractive to your wife...

i understand.

now.

maybe need a reminder now and again.

mimi,

you are helping more than just NC007. I'm talking notes also.

NC - funny thing about that song. My wife and I were watching a show about a cheating H and my wife called him all kinds of names and said that it is just wrong.

M2L

LOL!! is it that they dont see themselves or do they figure that they are different or maybe......just maybe..it is a way to communicate that they subconciously understand what they have done?

mimi what do ya think?

MY H DOES THIS EXACT SAME THING...ALL THE TIME...ok..at least, once a week...

This is exactly what recovering addicts do..go overboard..for whatever reason...

Haven't you been around folks who have stopped smoking...they find SMOKING to be SOOOO offensive...

I love it when he does this...

I get a good TICKLE to myself every time...

To me, this is a SURE SIGN OF RECOVERY....

Update:

WW in the evenings make it almost a duty to kiss me and talk about her day. I try to chip in and ask.......later that night i made some tea for her and eventually she went to bed. Just before then she ask me to scratch her back and of course i complied.

Continued till she fell asleep.

nothing out of the ordinary.

today i found my heart straying, just being honest, i am paying attention to "backup potential [future] friends"

My heart and mind KNOWS that this is wrong, so i dont act on it. But i feel that "tug" when i see her in the mornings

I will be starting a new job soon and there is alot of promise for promotion. So i can breathe. I KNOW that she is trying to find herself. and still sound a bit foggy now and again.

I look at my son and realise that I have to be here, have to protect his little world. So i will.

It hurts me that she can hide and call from her office and i may never find out. I WILL NOT SNOOP anymore. i am just tired. very tired.

Even my SIL look on me and commented that i look tired.

Whoever said it is so right........recovery (if that is what this is) is sooo much HARDER than fighting an affair.

I realize that i dont have to "settle" for a WW but i want to be a great H for a loving, caring W.

Maybe that is why my heart tells me that i can find another loving woman if WW decides to trash this M.

Maybe its just my tired brain talking. God forgave me .......surely i can forgive WW and even OM.

They now have no power over me....i view them with a form of disdain.

Yes i know most of what i feel is probably wrong, but there it is nonetheless.

I look at her and feel....strange.

what is wrong with me?

has my LB$$ been depleated?

Can i fall now into the same trap now? Yes...

whats stopping me?......fear of God i guess.

am i out of love for WW? was she right after all, about me in the future probably kicking her out?

finally please remember...........i am just journaling my feelings and being TOTALLY OPEN HERE.

Is this all part of recovery of self?

Remember the recommendation from yesterday?

Being the BEST HUSBAND, FATHER, MAN THAT YOU CAN BE?..FOCUSING IN ON YOURSELF..not your wife....


That does not include thoughts of another woman....

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Mimi...i know it is wrong...but i am going to be totally open.

I am / will not encourage it.

funny though.......sorta feel lost like the first day on D-Day.

who the heck am i ?

i dont even recognise myself.

Joel Osteen has a good book..YOUR BEST LIFE NOW...

How about THE SUCCESS PRINCIPLES by Jack Canfield?

or better yet..HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS by Dr. Harley....

You've got a lot of reading to do.