And what about your EXERCISE PROGRAM?

I know the weather must be nice there.

How about a long walk or even a jog?

FOCUS ENTIRELY AND EXCLUSIVELY ON BETTERING YOURSELF!!!

Getting HNHN soon to read upon.

thanks mimi.

NC-

Man we are two of the same. The one diff is that i don't look and wonder about any other woman. The rest is the same though.

I think your LB is very low, but what would be easier: to work this through with your wife and mother of your child and have LB deposits made by her one day or - start new with a new women. Son this is so and so. So and so this is my son. Then the whole R starts over which is kinda hard by its self. Then add to it an Xwife.

One more thing I see. I see you all over these boards posting. Maybe it is too much to help others and work on yourself and your stich at the same time. Keep reading posts that speak to you, but don't over do it. I have done this too. When I was in the Big City for 3 days and no computer it felt good not to check here all the time. I wasn't brought down my others posts.

Now I say this to you as I feel pretty close to you considering you pray for me to have sex.LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

So spend time on your post (and mine) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> and let the world go by. Give yourself a break some. If we want to look for you we can put out a calling card. Just an idea NC.

Yes I do pray for you and yours also. Your dear wife should know what she has in a man like you. I see no bigger man than one that takes a cheating wife and still loves her and wants to work it out with her EVEN WHEN SHE DOESN'T KNOW HOW GOOD SHE HAS IT.

M2L

and mine <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

007, remember, this is a ROLLERCOASTER!! Ups and downs and it is tiring. Just buck up, little camper- do what I do when things start to get overwhelming- I just tell myself that tomorrow will be a good day. And you know what? It usually is.

Mimi, I get a lot out of your posts.

Yes please stay on MrsR's post also. No dis respect MrsR.

Mimi, yes you do rock!!

Thank you. Maybe i got addicted to the boards. And wanting to help others........maybe i got overwhelmed and thought of my WW in other people stich.

M2 and Ms.R thank you.

Mimi i luv you. Thanks to all being there for me.

Going to take a break from here.

Pray you all do well.

Hello Family,

Here is a little update.

WW wants to often watch TV with me and fall asleep. I usually tuck her in and go to bed later.

Last night she came home showing me some pretty expensive designer shirts that she got me to go with the pants that she got me on Tuesday.

I guess thats her way of slowly reaching out. I have backed off the over affection and now complement her on how brilliant she is at whatever she does.

Yesterday she felt down though.....she said her life depressed her.......all men are more or less dogs,etc. (dont know if she forgot that i am a man too)

Then this morning on our way to work, WW looked on my hand and asked me why am i wearing my ring. Due to the fact that it needs resizing (sueeze the heck outa me)

I told her that i feel fine now and i dont see any reason to take it off.

then she said that she is buying a NEW PAIR of rings for herself!

Then she describe what she want it to look like and all, then she said " i wonder if i should have told you this?"

still trying to play her game? I dont know.

I am NOT GOING TO PRESUME ANYTHING...........what do you think?

NC..I JUST WANT TO CHOKE YOU.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

why?

look i am not doing anything except praying and a lot of plan A squared.

I am trying to find more ways of being a good dad.
I am trying to think constantly how to be a great husband.

Just that all of this has me ............scared.

sorta like a hungry dog looking at what seems like some real food.

(OK so i suck at analogy)

why am i afraid?

What is not REAL about the FOOD?

Unless you are leaving something out, your FWW is treating you 10 times better than my FWH did during EARLY RECOVERY.

IMO, you are NOT SMELLING THE ROSES....

I could be wrong, NC..but it seems that you want it to all magically go away..and it won't..

Maybe it's a MAN THING, like with Georgia...

But you will need to GRIEVE this and it takes A LONG, LONG TIME...

This is about YOUR OWN GRIEVING..

is there a thread about greiving? because i agree, but i cant or dont even know about this......i guess i am still in shock in some regards.

i know it cant go away..maybe i am having a HARD time accepting this.

sorry.

I need help to understand me.

I guess in trying to do damage control and hold everything together and "become better" , behavorial changes....i have not stop to reflect on it.

I guess even when i do this a bit, i get inflamed with an intense emotional fire and sometimes rage and i cant continue looking down that road.

i dont know if i have to face that road in order to greive.

hope i made sense.

What makes it hard is that the person whom you would turn to help you is the one who betrayed you...

What about IC for yourself?

Counseling with your minister or pastor?

Opening up your heart to one or more of your MALE friends...

Unfortunately, YOUR WW WILL NOT BE ABLE TO HELP YOU...she's got her own work to do...and as you see, she is struggling...

You need to have a place to CRY, YELL AND SCREAM...

I continue to grieve terribly over my grandparents' deaths. I OPEN MYSELF UP to my grief when I exercise and allow myself to CRY and CRY...

I've learned from grieving over my H's affair and my father's death many years ago that..one day the grieving will be over..but it takes time and ATTENTION..the grief has to be WORKED on...

What I mean by this is ACCEPTING and ACKNOWLEDGING.."I am sad, I am going to be sad, this hurts tremendously and I am going to have to learn to deal with this and stick with it until it's over...for women, it's like a LABOR PAIN..I don't know a good enough analogous situation for a man...

((((NC))))

So now the roller coaster started its downturn.............she decided to have a talk to me about her growing up. And how she pictured growing up as a single do anything girl. artificially inseminated and having her own child (credit to her....she did say so in our early years about adopting a child of her own)

Now she said to me that i am now her "good friend and we share a child and we can sneak in on each other and "get some....."

WHAT????!!!!!! WTH!!!!!!!!

am i missing something? All i said to her is that i "trust her."

She said that she doesnt want to go down that road again.Talking about the past.

WHAT!!!!!????????

I am not the one bringing up the past.NOr starting the R talk.

She looked at me and said ...."See? that is why i cant open to you all the time...you internalise things and will use them against me in 2 weeks or 10 years...i cant talk to you about feelings......you are starting that "looking off" thing again"

i said that i was looking at a defaced wall, pointed to it and said "see?"

WW replied ..I know you well...you are going to think about it and ponder it for the whole day.

I repeated " i am committed to loving and protecting you and my family"

She said that she doesnt want to hear that old line again.She just want to live day to day.

How the #@^*$% can she look and say that we are now good friends.like H is an option......maybe i am interpeting things wrong.

Then last night she went on a shopping spree buying up a christmas tree and ornaments for us to dress the tree last night.

look i want nothing from her..i know that she cant give anything now. But in her honesty cant she just shut up with the line of "good friends living together........with child?"

WW just bastardize my marriage.

i deserve more than that. I value myself more now than that.

I want to tell her put up or shut up.

.........But for the sake of my DS and her probable foogese.....please someone, tell me that this is all normal.......give or take a month.

Just venting too OK?

just need some insight.

NC,

What did you hear your WW say?

Did you listen and repeat?

"Your chosen perspective is that we're good friends who can have sex, like adult married people, is that correct?" Not snide, or with an edge...pure curiosity for clarification.

You haven't drawn the boundary around yourself to be safe to share with...and until you practice catching her defining statements "We are like this" or "You make me that" then you are going to violate your OWN boundaries...which ups your anger, resistance, and pain.

I'd love to see you halve your emotional enmeshment...have great clarity, and realize you're betraying yourself and overbalancing into entitlement, rather than being centered in separate and equal, and fully trusting yourself to act, not react.

Be good to yourself...you're choosing to believer her stuff...which is you defining yourself through her statements...when they are hers and her opinion alone.

Deep breaths...separate and equal...listen and repeat to KNOW not to act on...not to take inside yourself...you have all your own stuff and it's valid. Acknowledge, NC, 'k?

Judgment corrodes marriages...respect revives and thrives...

Your choice.

LA

*******You haven't drawn the boundary around yourself to be safe to share with...******

please explain.

Translation: Everytime your wife tries to share something with you, you flip out and get angry or upset about it. Stay calm and convince her that things will be alright.

When she says things like, "friends that have sex with each other," you say, "oh, like husband and wife," or, "we'll be happier than we've ever been before." Do not get upset or flip out. She doesn't feel safe yet totally committing to the marriage yet. She is afraid that things will get bad again. She isn't willing to put herself out there yet, for fear of getting hurt, so she talks in noncommittal generalities. Keep inviting her back and make her feel safe opening up to you.

Everytime you let your WW define who you are, define your R, or tell you that YOU are making her act in a certain way, you are letting her cross your personal boundaries.

If you accept her definitions as YOURS, of course you will get angry.

If you learn to repeat back what she says to you, you will be doing two important things...

1) You will be acknowledging HER thoughts and feelings.

2) You will be reminding YOURSELF that HER thoughts/ feelings are HERS NOT YOURS.

Like LA suggested...

You could have said this to her: "Your chosen perspective is that we're good friends who can have sex, like adult married people, is that correct?"

This sort of thing will help you to break your emeshment w/ your WW.

It will help you tremendously.

~ Marsh