Yeah J95, that is what comes to mind too this morning i guess........

I am starting to accept that i cannot control here and watch her every move.

BUT i can be the best H and caring "friend" i can be to help her AND myself. because at the end of the day....Its all about choices. And i dont have the power to TELL WW what to do.

Just to LOVE her.

I hope she really get it one day though that i love her. and just maybe fall in love again ......one day.

"Speak, NC...share who you really are and let the response go...it isn't yours. Do for you what you want most from her...because part of your craving is trying to get what you are least giving."


.......wow..........

just so stupid of me.So hypocritical........not anymore.

At least i am now aware.......

NC,

Just reading for a while and trying to get work done.

Sometimes I think a can't see the forest for the trees. I'm too close to my sitch to see the correct steps to take. I see your though. LOL

From what I read today I need to:

1. back away and let wife come along at her own pace, while keeping my boundaries.

2. Let her thoughts be hers and let the Fog roll off - still.

3. Keep taker at bay, but feel free to be O&H with wife

4. notice that some of the small things wife does is her doing what she can for right now. She is hurt also and feels guilt for hurting her family as she has. I have told my wife that i feel this is harder on her than me bc she lost two people: OM and the love for her H. She was shocked that I could feel like that for/to her.

5. Do my own thing and enjoy what i can in life. She will see it at some level and want in too. Man up (again)

thanks all for taking the time today -

M2L

Anytime M2 anytime.......

Thanks J95,MM,LA,MIMI. today was a good day. getting out now.

thanks for all your insight.

You guys..

I want to second LA in saying that our conversations were not meant at all to condemn you...

For me, Recovery was the HARDEST PART..

My H and I were like the WALKING WOUNDED...

I was SOOOO ANXIOUS and FEARFUL....of getting hurt again...

So I really, really understand what you are going through and have been in your positions..

I've been trying to help you benefit from MY MISTAKES...helping you to see what FINALLY worked for me..for us..

TIME AND PATIENCE ARE ESSENTIAL...

We weren't anywhere near normal until a year later...

My H was in withdrawal/foggy for a full 6 months....ALMOST NO RELATIONSHIP TALK...

So please don't FEEL CONDEMNED...FEEL ADMIRED FOR THE WONDERFUL MEN THAT YOU ARE....

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

" "the art of conversation; the recovery edition" "

Human art...rocks. Great phrasing, NC.

Wanted you to know that you're no hypocrite...that's a made up word for unawareness...living unconsciously. Something we all do...until we wake up. Believe it or not, we have to choose to wake up and stay awake.

Welcome to the human race. I guarantee that your WW is awed by your choice to stay, to recover...and we all process awe differently...like turning away from beauty so dazzling it hurts...until we miss it and look right at it, again.

M2L...please know your choice to love, too...know your presence matters greatly, your choice to stay...because knowing you love well and fully will unblock your own love bank, know your own abundance and feel loved...because you truly are.

MM and Mimi...I'm in honored company. Outnumbered by the M's though...M&Ms...all over the place. Mmmmm.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

LA

good day all,
just checking in with my family.

Iam just in awe of Gods grace and tthe friends i have here.

Just to show you how rooted my DJ thoughts were, WW this morning looked down. during the drive she had me taking care of "the little things" she likes like hand massage while driving.etc. We have been doing this now for the past 2 weeks.

WW was in a sore mood in spite of all this and the first thing that came to mind was: Uh oh.............OM called or met her.

I tried to keep up small chat but she was just out of it. I told her when leaving the car "Dont worry, hope you feel much better" (Yikes! i just prescribed a feeling on her instead of asking how she felt) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

to this she replied: "I wasnt feeling bad."

It was that perpetual fear that Mimi talked about. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I cant control her actions.......only mine.

It is going to be very hard to do this.

Last nite, while she spoke i looked at her and repeated occassionally what she was saying and it did help. She saw the interest.

Time and Patience.....its funny when you think you have them....you really dont, or never knew how much you lacked them.

Funny thing though..i let her feelings dictate my mood now.

just an observation.

on a lighter note:

SEASONS GREETINGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Good morning all,

Got my coffee. I want to agian thank you agian for all the help.

M2L

I'm honored beyond words as well.

LOL @ your lack of M&Ms. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />



NC, it isn't a DJ to be afraid of something.

How long has she been in no contact?

And if she is unhappy, why assume she talked to OM?

It's my experience that when WS speak to OP they are HAPPY, not sad.


Good catch, NC!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Give yourself permission to ask her why she seems upset.

She might not tell you what's wrong, but at least you'll feel better about yourself for having asked.


Nah, it's easier than you think. It only takes awareness!!!

And you've already demonstrated you are aware. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />



She saw more than that.

She saw you ACCEPTING her feelings w/o trying to change them.

And that feels WONDERFUL!

Good stuff!!!

How 'bout for you? Did it help you to remind yourself that her feelings are HERS not YOURS?

Way to go, BTW!



I'll bet this isn't a new thing for you.

You let her feelings dictate your mood b/c you believe you are responsible for it.

Accept that you are not.

Then her moods won't have the impact they do on you.

Respect her choice to be in whatever mood she wants to be in.

There's a poster here w/ this sig line..."Have a nice day unless you have made other plans!" It makes me laugh everytime I see it.

It's her choice.

Get it?

~ Marsh

MM wrote: "It's my experience that when WS speak to OP they are HAPPY, not sad."

Yes this is true. One day (a few months ago) my ww told me that she was happy and I ask why, what made her happy that day. She said "I bet you think I talked to OM, well I didn't, I just think I can't be depressed forever."

M2L

thanks Mimi,

I feel like I'm not doing anything right and it is nice to hear that this is normal. Walking wounded is the best way to decribe it right now. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

This post is right on target for how I feel. How about you NC???

net was giving me some problems. back up now.

just decide to send the WW some roses. and a card. nothing too fancy.

Thanks MM you are so right.....me accepting that these are HER feelings is OK, but they are not the truth.

It was general small talk however. MIMI if it wasnt for you inserting that during the early part of recovery things like these can and will happen for maybe up to 6 months.....then i probably would choke on this roller coaster ride.

Up to 6 months from now puts on approx in april - may to probably early june. ....Boy it is going to be a long haul.

In regards to the email i got from her earlier.......should i take it as a good trend towards the light or not.

MM you are good at interpeting stuff like these....wanna give it a shot?


Hey M2 what the weather like today?

You ready for todays lesson from our esteemed friends?

"How to persevere with patience 101"

30 dg here today, but hey, we will probably have a white Christmas. White snow not a white sandy beach.

See from all I have read I was thinking that:

The A ends
BS does plan A
WS sees how great BS is and loves them all over again
The above takes place all whith in about 6 months.

BS and WS work on M for next year or so.

My hang up is that I'm at 6-7 months and my wife is home and living life with me and the kids and doing pretty well day to day. Just no loving feelings. We are like Mimi said - walking wounded not knowing what to do or feel next.

thanks
M2L

Now that you put it like that, yes mimi is right......we are like the walking wounded.

I think that my Achilles heel is wanting her to think like i am. or moving constantly forward. So when WW doesn’t, i become discouraged.

I can see this now.

Mimi does the CRAWL forward 1 1/4 steps and the JUMP 1 step back ever happened to you by your FWS? anyone?

Not sure how good I am at it.

I can try...

~ Marsh

It takes time.

I read through your thread, and saw that you had moved back home, but was wondering if you and your WW are sleeping in the same bedroom.

I gathered you two aren't in IC or MC, right?

~ Marsh

oh goodie (feeling like a kid again) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

It WILL take time, nc. Take the time 2 learn about yourself.

My W is only now really starting 2 "get this". I've gone from frustration with the pace of the process, 2 even enjoying it, because it 2k a long time 2 see the signs of recovery I've read about here start 2 show in my own sitch.

Her PA ended 5 years ago last month.

-ol' 2long

I'm sorry, NC, did you already post the e-mail?

I thought this was a new one you hadn't posted yet. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />


~ Marsh

no MM t'was the one from yesterday.

sorry.